Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Dad beating his 24 year daughter – is this permissible in Islam?

Since childhood when i was 16 i have been beaten by my father over a issue since then i had no respect for him he has no respect for my mother too he abuses my mother sometimes. At 16 i did a mistake for which he has beaten my so much that my clothes were torn that to in front of many relatives. From that day i had a allot of hatred for my father. When i turned 23 i liked a person and he asked for marraige to my dad on a phone call which my dad rejected , after that again i was been abused in front of my relatives because that guy was not that rich as we were. I know that i disrespect my dad and i even regret it i see other dads they are very polite and humble. I don't know how to react i want to marry only the guy i have loved. I don't want a husband like my dad. How should i handle this situation? Is this right to beat a daughter who is 24 year old in Islam? Please help me


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3 Responses »

  1. “There is no person to whom Allaah has given responsibility over others and he failed to take care of them by advising them sincerely, but he will never smell the fragrance of Paradise.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6617).

    Although children are not to be blamed for feelings of resentment in the heart towards the father who commits sin or is a disbeliever, that does not contradict the duty to treat him kindly and obey him in that which is right and proper. But you have to hold your tongue and refrain from speaking badly to him, and also refrain from mistreating him in practical terms.

    As the issue was caused by your father’s actions and you have gone through so much pain and hardship, we advise you to seek reward with Allah for what you have gone through. And we advise you to offer du‘aa (supplication) for your father, praying that he be guided and enabled to repent and set things right, because he is in the greatest need of the mercy and forgiveness of Allah, may He be exalted.

    As for your marriage, the presence of the wali (guardian) is one of the conditions of marriage, and a woman’s marriage is not valid unless this condition is met. This is the correct view and is the view of the majority of scholars.

    The person who has the most right to be a woman’s guardian is her father, but if it is proven that he is not qualified for this role then it moves to the next closest relative, such as her grandfather for example.

    With regard to the conditions and qualities that should be present in the husband, the most important of these is religious commitment. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry [your daughter or female relative under your care] to him, for if you do not do that there will be fitnah (tribulation) on earth and much corruption.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1005) and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1084.

    One of the shar’i conditions of marriage is the consent of the wife, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “A previously-married woman should not be married without consulting her and a virgin should not be married without asking her permission.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, how does she give her permission?” He said, “If she remains silent.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4741; Muslim, 2543.

    No one has the right to force a girl to marry anyone, but at the same time she does not have the right to get married without her guardian’s permission.

    The presence of the guardian is an important condition for a marriage to be valid, but a girl should not be forced into marrying someone who she does not want to marry, and she is not regarded as disobeying her parents in this case. Shaykh al-Islam [Ibn Taymiyah] said: “The parents do not have the right to force their daughter to marry someone whom she does not want, and if she refuses she is not being disobedient, like eating something that she does not want.”

    Again, with regard to your father and the way he is, we offer the following advice:
    1. Make du’aa’ for him in his absence. There is no specific du’aa’, so pray to Allaah to reform him and open his heart.
    2. Seek the help of some of your father’s friends or relatives whom you trust to try to change him.
    3. Give him some books or tapes in your language that will encourage him to have a good attitude and warn him against the opposite, and give them as a gift using a good approach when you do so. Allaah may make this a cause of his reforming.

    We ask Allaah to help you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.

    And Allaah knows best.

  2. First of all, it is not permissible in Islam for anyone to beat anybody. Yes, children should be punished for their bad behavior, but not "beaten". Unless a child is blatantly rude or abrasive to their parents, parents should always show self control when punishing their child. Beating is not punishing and most often serves no benefit. As for you, you are 24. You are an adult. And your father is an abuser. Especially towards women and I would not doubt, those he may be stronger than. I doubt a 24 year old son who disappoints him would even get yelled at. Abusers know who they can bully, push around or dominate. I am an older woman, maybe older than your father and because of my personality, I doubt your father would raise his voice to me.

    Children are always going to do things that disappoint their parents. They may even disobey their parents. But that is no reason to physically hurt a child, especially an adult child. It is actually wrong. You have every right to marry who you want and under the circumstances, find another male relative to help you in your efforts to find a husband. If it is at all possible, I would even tell you to move yourself and your mother from the family home. A husband's and father's job is to protect his wife and daughter from danger and harm, not be the cause of it. Your father is a pathetic person and in the US would have been arrested a long time ago. You have no reason to believe you have done any wrongdoing, that you may have dishonored your father or your family. Your father is the problem totally. Shame on him.

  3. Assalamualaikum Sister,

    Your story sounds so horrible and sad. I'd going along with the advice Umm Hussain gave you. You are an adult, and your father has legal, religious, nor moral right or permission to beat you for any reason. She is right that your father is an abuser.

    Your father is not fit to be your Wali, not all. First, he has no respect for you and your mother, so exactly how is he going to look after your best interest or welfare? He's not approving of a guy you like because of money, not character, reputation, personality, the man's love for you or his righteousness. That means he sees you as property-already evidenced by his awful treatment of you-and he WILL basically sell you to the highest bidder, and you will not share in or enjoy the spoils. Basically, you will be subjected to a life of rape, physical and emotional abuse, and extreme disrespect. The writing is already on the wall what your life will be like if you don't take action right now. Your will not and cannot change. Abusers, especially ones encouraged and supported by cultural tradition(s), NEVER change. Save yourself by taking Umm Hussain's advice to leave that house. Forget about a Wali, even within your family, it's just too risky.

    If you stay, you'll continue to be beaten and embarrassed in front of others. Also, you will be basically sold to the highest bidder, and there's little chance that person will be nicer than your father, which means the suffering you've experienced will be only the beginning. You're better off making your own decisions because your father has proven he's unfit in any regard to guide, protect, or advise you. I hope you heed the advice given and leave. Blood is not always thicker than water.

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