Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Dad hits mom and use abusive language with her

domestic_abuse2

Aslam Walaikum

We are 3 Brothers and 2 sisters,  When mama got married to him Allah gave a lot to dad all he did was traveled all world including Israil. Mama always did what he wanted dad even made mama leave her family. Dad even used to hit mama in her pregnancies mom never complained her family.

In our school days dad made a rule that make kids sleep before I reach home, one day we were late for bed dad came and hit us all including mama with belt.

Even though Allah gave him so much wealth dad couldn't educate us.

Now my mother is 50 years and still that person hits her and say to her slut my mother is 5 time praying women a very down to earth person and dad calls her slut and other abusive thing he hits sisters in this age too.

Even though allah gave him a lot but because of his behavior he ruined everything and now he is standing in our way so that we don't get settled.

Yesterday he gave an artical that in which someone asked our nabi Muhammad (P.B.U.H) about sajda and our nadi Muhammad (P.B.U.H) replied that if i would order anyone for sajda to anyone it will be for wife to do sajda for her husband. i want to ask if wife do everything still gets beaten for no reason than what islam say about that does islam still say to do sajda to such person who even said to ask your mother who your father is.

Hossam

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24 Responses »

  1. Islam commands us not to do sujood to anyone except Allah who created us and is our Lord. Your father is an abusive and manipulative person and he is violating the rights of your mother, your siblings and yourself in Islam. It's absolutely forbidden to treat your family in the way you have described here; this angers Allah as He has given your father a responsibility and your father has abused it. How old are you? I think it's time for you to step up and put an end to this treatment. Take your mother and siblings and leave your fathers house. Get an apartment somewhere else and leave when he is not home. Do not tell him where you are. Then you must help your mother file for a divorce. She can get a khula, which is a special type of divorce that is enacted by the court on behalf of the wife. Your father will not be able to contest or deny a khula divorce, and he will not be able to prevent your mother from getting it.

    Islam gives everyone rights and protects everyone from abuse. Islam is about creating a world of justice and mercy on this Earth. Learn about your rights and the rights of children and wives in Islam by reading the Quran and the life of the Prophet. Knowledge is power. Learn your rights and stand up to the injustice of your father.

    • I am 25 we were born in saudia arabia but dad moved bus back to pakistan in 2008. I took stand that day dad abuse mom and use so bad language that i feel shamed on mentioning. That day we told him to leave but he didnt and people in pakistan also say dad is dad because in others eye he is great person. Now i am planing to go dubai and slowly take everyone

      • Brother, I urge you not to leave Pakistan without taking your mother and siblings. I fear that in your absence your fathers abuse will get much worse. At 25, you are old enough to bear this responsibility. Do not be afraid to leave your fathers house with your mother and siblings. Don't pay any attention to what people say. Where are these people when your father is beating you with his belt? Do they help you then? Will they be there for you when your dad one day beats one of you so hard they end up in the hospital? Or will they just gossip about your family behind your back?

        Whatever you do, again I ask that you please do not leave your mother unprotected in your fathers house. If something happens to her in your absence you will never forgive yourself.

        • I have an elder brother too. And u right no one gives and damn dad once was about to shot me dead while i was stopping him crom fight with my elder brother

          • You should speak to all your siblings that are adults and decide together what should be done. Perhaps your elder brother could get separate accommodation for your mother and siblings, while you go to Dubai and send money to help them. Again, I think you should arrange to leave your fathers house as soon as possible.

          • Yes sir i decided this with my mom and sisters. My sisters are teacher and we dont own a house this time we are planning to kick him out as we are paying rent and bills all he does is sleep and go

  2. Little Bro,

    May Allah have immense mercy upon you and your siblings. May Allah protect your sisters and your pious mother, who it seems wanted to maintain as much peace as she could in her home, which is why she listened to your father and left her family, did whatever he said, never complained, and endured abuse. May Allah grant her jannatul firdous....May Allah grant your sisters amazing husbands full of taqwa, iman, and who have good characters.

    I have heard this hadith that you mentioned...i do not know the occasion it was revealed or the reason, i do not know the tafseer...however i think women, generally speaking, have a tendency to be disrespectful and unthankful for all that the husband does for her and this may just be a reminder that he does bring home the money and without it you'd be on the street, and that he is the protecter who is suppose to protect you and always has your back. It is just emphasizing the significance or importance of a husband. of course a woman cannot actually bow to her husband but only to Allah. I'm sure you know that.

    There are a number of quran/hadith on the treatment of a wives also:

    “O you who believe! You are prohibited to inherit women against their will; and you should not treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the Mahr you have given them, unless they commit open illegal sex; and live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good.”

    “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard....”

    There is a great article online by a well renowned muslim scholar here in America, Imam Zaid Shakir. Following are excerpts. He says:

    "Marriage in Islam is a sacred covenant, whereby intimacy between the genders becomes lawful and sanctified, and acceptable to the Lord of the Worlds. So there is definitely a deeper spiritual covenant to it, and I think a lot of times we loose sight of the fact that there’s an issue of not only fidelity towards one’s spouse and not only a desire to please one’s spouse and to sacrifice for one’s spouse, but also to please Allah and to have fidelity in our dealings with Almighty God.

    Marriage is an institution whereby we can deepen our relationship not only with another human being, but with Allah subhanahu wa-ta’ala."

    " I think the guidelines [for marriage] should be, first and foremost, a study of marriage relationships. They should think: Will this person help me in my deen [Islamic code of life]? Will this person be an aid for me in attaining paradise? Will this person be a good mother or father for my children? Will this be someone who will be faithfully committed to me in my old age, when I need someone to assist me and to strengthen me? These are the questions people should be asking, going into a relationship."

    [when looking for a spouse] " I would advice, first and foremost, to not be fanatically committed to superficial things such as looks or income or profession that is if a person is close to standards of acceptability then to move in to look at their character and look at their religion…Character is what’s going to sustain the relationship, not good looks. Good looks fade. Big muscles become puffy and soft. Slim waistlines tend to bulge and expand as the years go by."

    So brother there is a lot to marriage and a man cannot rightfully do whatever he wants to a woman or his children because he thinks control is being a good boss. He is the boss, but a boss has limits. A good boss knows how to talk to people and how to take care of people. To give them what they need to be successful in their jobs, or in your cases, lives.

    I am sure you guys dread your father being home and possibly resent him for having all this money and not spending it on his children. I am so sorry. That is hard.

    In case of the advice for your mother to get Khula, while this is definitely a good reason to do so, and her right according to Islam, she may want to do istikharrah about what to do. Also she should get in touch with her family to come and help her. She needs them. I am sure she is turning to Allah in all her anguish and has said that she is leaving it up to Him, but they can get her out of her situation. They can take her and you guys away move you to be close to them. I know that is what my uncle did in Pakistan when her sister was being beaten by her husband. He did the same for my cousin, his niece, when she was being beaten by her husband.

    A advice came for you to take your siblings away and move...this is a good suggestion but i do not know how old you are and if you or your brothers are able to do this?

    Anyway, keep your head up and hope alive. Allah is all Merciful and continue to make dua for His Rehma.

  3. Wa alaikum Assalam,

    I can see from your information that you are male and from Pakistan. I must confess that I did stereotype and assume that to begin, even though I shouldn't have, but did so because much of what you had written really did strike home with me unfortunately.

    Please read the following:

    "Ibn Maajah (1853) narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: When Mu’aadh came from Syria, he prostrated to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said, “What is this, O Mu'aadh?” He said, I went to Syria and saw them prostrating to their archbishops and patriarchs, and I wanted to do that for you. The Messenger of Allaah (S) said, “Do not do that. If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfil her duty towards Allaah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.”

    Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah."

    from http://islamqa.info/en/43123

    Many times people take this hadith and use it to reinforce the notion that women are inferior to men and that they should have to happily accept whatever treatment their husbands may use for them. This hadith however stemmed from a previous incident and would take some time to understand--but most people jump to its literal translated (and through translation, much can be lost or reading the words without context) words without looking before and after it.

    There is absolutely no doubt that men are the protectors and maintainers of women because they are liable for taking care of the women in their family. It doesn't mean that this is a license to abuse one's wife or hurt her or yell at her or hit her--unfortunately, this is often taught through twisting the meaning of both the Quran and Hadith.

    Furthermore, this hadith is strictly speaking in particular to the relationship between a husband and a wife. It is not talking about men and women in general. So, if this is the case, what is so special about the relationship between a husband and a wife? We have to understand that because a husband is the leader of his family and with that comes great respect, but also great responsibility as well. He has the job of taking care of his family, his children, and his wife. Not easy. So, why, wouldn't a woman whose husband upholds his duties, love for his family, take care and shelter them, want to be obedient to him? And frankly, such men, don't go about quoting this hadith, because they don't have to. Their actions speak this hadith and thereby they demand respect and obedience in their "spoken" actions, and less in their words. But some men use this hadith in order to justify their abusive actions towards their wife. This is what your father is doing to your mother.

    It wasn't normal for your father to expect your mother to put all of you to sleep before he reached home and if she didn't, he would abuse her. It was never alright for him to lay a finger on her, especially during her pregnancies. Honestly, that is so sad. Or hitting any of you with his belt. I am sorry that you had to endure watching your mother be abused or suffer at the hands of your father.

    The words your father uses for your mother or says to you to ask who your father is, is utterly ridiculous and part of his abusive nature. But, unfortunately, I am afraid if the solution to your problem exists or not. If you live in Pakistan, it may be that your mother may not be able to leave your father or may even refuse to. Often abused women hold onto their abusive husbands and believe everything they have to say. Chances are, he is probably telling her that she will not enter Paradise if she "misbehaves" and that will be enough to instill fear in her. I have seen that first hand.

    You may have limited choices depending on your circumstances.
    Talk to your mother. Love her and give her attention. Take care of her. Do whatever you can for her. If you can independently take care of her, then do so, but if you can't, and it is a complicated situation, use your judgement and do what is best in the situation that you are in. It isn't the ideal advice that I want to give, but it is perhaps, the most realistic advice possible.

    Finally, the article that your father shared with you is difficult to speak on. I have seen books in Pakistan written about wazeefas and other "religious" books that take hadith out of context or mistranslate sometimes, in order to, indoctrinate their society with chauvinistic views--so, NO, your mother cannot and should not prostrate to your father. This is completely wrong. Again, focusing on the literal words of the hadith will create problems for most people and cause an unnecessary rift in their family structure. Your father cannot beat your mother--even WITH a reason. It is forbidden to do so.

    I suggest that you begin to education yourself as much as you can by watching online videos and reading from various sources for your Islamic Education. As you do that, you will help yourself and the womenfolk in your family.

    May Allah swt ease your pain and help you, your family, especially your mother, through this trial. I hope that you find justice, mercy and hope, Ameen.

    • Yes thats right husband have resposbilities but my dad left everything. All day he sits out of shop watching people he doesnt care his daughters are at age of marriage. Its like he gave birth to use and disowned use. I am 25 and still i need to tell him where am i going or what am i doing. He receives rent from shop but dont give any peny to mom and demands like he done everything for us. He hates watching us laugh hits sisters but now he is scared because last time i was about to kill him

      • I am sorry that that is your reality.
        I must say that Allah swt has blessed your family with a person like you who thinks and cares for them in this way.

        Do your best to get them out of that situation. If you do get them to dubai, all I can say regarding your father is do not argue with him or engage in any fight/argument with him. Simply be a good brother to your siblings and a good son to your mother--it isn't easy being in your shoes.

        Do know that there are others in very similar situation or have gone through this. It is easy for any of us to give advice, but it is very difficult for you to make it all happen.

        May Allah swt make you successful in each of your roles as a son and a brother. May you bring peace to your family, Ameen.

  4. Salams,

    That is called shirk, brother. We do not pray to anyone other than Allah swt. We serve many people in our lives, first and foremost our spouses, but we do not worship them besides Allah swt; nor do we as Muslims partner anyone next to Allah swt. I agree with sister Saba that your abusive father was probably trying to show more control with references to prophet Muhammad pbuh.

  5. I am very sad for your situation. Domestic abuse of any kind is very damaging. If you can provide for your mother then get her safe as soon as you can and your sisters and brothers a
    s well. In Pakistan it probably is more difficult because abuse is probably more ignored and accepted there. But sometimes women can not take it anymore and eventually do suicide in that kind of situation. I think there is a Domestic Violence shelter in Karachi. But I think probably there are not that many organizations in Pakistan to help women and families suffering abuse as it is a patriarchal society.
    Talk to your mother and care for her. Find out what she wants to do. Try to talk her into getting free of abuse and tell her how she is worthy and valuable to Allah and she must protect herself and her children as she is an amana to Allah and so are her children. In Islam we are not suppose to take oppression by anyone even husbands or fathers. If you can get your mother and you safe in your own apartment or try to help her go to Dubai if you get work there. Safety should be your most important priority for your sisters, brothers and your mother. It is very sad in Pakistan when people are trapped in abuse like this and can not get out because of the society. Abuse has psychological effects and can damage your mother and you so try to find away to get your mother and you safe and away from abuse. It is very sad you and your family have had to endure such severe abuse by your father and it must make Allah angry. Allah cares for the abused wives and children. I hope you can find a way out to safety and peace.

  6. Hossam ,

    Your father has crossed all boundaries .You are 25 and enough old .I think you and your brother should give warning to your father that if he don't stop violence then you will give the same reply to him .

  7. Brother,

    My neighbors family had the same situation. Very abusive father. He abused his wife and children. When the sons were older, they took their mother and moved her in with them. It was the best decision they ever made and they are a very happy and peaceful family today. I hope you and your family find the peace that you are looking for as well.

    Salam

  8. Hello there Brother

    I am so sorry to hear your situation. I am 21yr old Female and in the same situation as yourself however I have finally left our father and we are still hearing from everybody, he is your dad, he is old - you should not be leaving him at this age.
    BROTHER
    It is very hard but if you would like any information, you are welcome to contact me

    • We do not allow the exchange of private contact information, sorry.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • What type of information

      • Salaam.

        Ia your are in our Duas, especially in this holy month of Ramadan.

        It's been awhile since you put up your question. Has any progress been made on moving out? If all you siblings have jobs inshaaAllah it should not be too hard. Or is it? I don't know the situation or how far you can go from your father, especially within Pakistan.
        In Dubai maybe your sisters can get jobs teaching English. They pay very well for English teachers. But like someone else said, dont leave to get set up and leave your mom and sisters behind. They may get abused even more from his increase anger at your exit.
        Also, you and your brothers get your sisters married. It is not unheard of that the brothers arrange their sisters marriage because the father is not in the picture for whatever reason.

        • No we are still there actually i am waiting for dad to do something then either will kick him out of the house because we live on rent and we pay rent and bill he doesnt give nothing or will shift to other city

  9. I NEED HELP im a young guy age 15 and i did managed to create a idea which is valuable. My dad heard of this and was telling my what i should do and stuff and i agreed. At home my mum told me some stuff to do and agreed. My dad started speaking the harsh reality and when ever i said something he would say i bull shit to much. I get very tempered but tried to keep my cool. When ever my dad talked he would keep raising his voice saying i bull shit to much. I talk to much etc. I get frustrated and told my dad to go **** yourself and left the room. I feel very bad now and didnt mean to say it but i was so tempered in the moment i couldnt stop myself. What should i do now? I know it was a huge mistake and dont want to do it again.

    • Haze, it's true you did a bad thing. Sometimes our parents can be hard on us or very critical, but we have to control ourselves. We can't speak to them as we might speak to our school friends. So apologize to your father. Just tell him sincerely that you lost your temper and you are sorry. Most likely he will be very angry, but give him time and he'll get over it Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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