Dating laws in Islam
Asalam Alaikum wa Rahmatolahy wa Burrakato,
I always keep separate from males and do my best to follow the Islamic laws.
I have not been looking for a partner, there is a muslim Brother that I really like. We work together and like each others company and he has always been very respectful to me. We only see each other at work,we do not have each other's tell numbers or email because we fear Allah swt.
He has not made any unappropriate advances towards me, nor have I towards him. The only thing is, he will always sit near me or ask me to sit near him.
He has a lovely personality, he's respectful and does funny things to make me laugh. I have tried to ignore him and concentrate on my job and studies but I can't. We are happy when we are together at work, I feel upset when I have to go home and be away from him. He also goes quiet and looks upset just before we leave work for the day.
He is not very religious but he is trying to go back to his deen InshAllah. He always is respectful to me, always does his best to protect me. I love his personality and I feel safe in his company. We are the same age and both muslim Allhamdulillah
I don’t know if he feels the same for me as I do for him but he's very different with me than how he is with other people. I know that dating in Islam is forbidden and I would not want to do that.
Please tell me how we can respectfully get to know each other according to Islam. I would like to know his personality more and talk with him with the view to seeing if we are suitable marriage partners InshAllah. But I don’t know how we can do that? Please advise me.
I have come to live back in the UK on my own and all my family still live abroad. He lives with his parents and siblings here in uk. So our family cannot meet and help us, but we have other muslim friends that can stay with us if we were allowed to meet each other to talk. Please advise me how we can know each other better but in a way that Allah swt will be happy with us InshAllah. We have been like this for many months now.
Please advise us how we communicate with each other in an Islamic way.
Thank you. I pray for Allah swt to bless and protect all the muslim ummah and gude us all InshAllah.
- Alia
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As Salaam U Alaikum,
What I'm about to say is harsh, but it's not an attack on you, it's more for yours and others protection. It's a warning.
I want to say, that I really hope you do not take this any further yourself. It will not be Islamically acceptable. If you like this man's character and you think he may be a suitable spouse, you MUST involve your parents immediately. If you are intending to get to know him better before you involve your parents, you are planning to do something haraam.
Yes your parents are abroad, yes that makes things difficult, but it will not be acceptable for you to marry or to even consider anything of this nature without the consent of your wali, which I'm guessing is your father. If your family cannot see him whether soon, or in the future, you must stop these feelings now.
Other people will advise for you to get family friends involved, perhaps the Imam, but you MUST not. You HAVE TO, I cannot ree-itterate this enough for the Sisters, YOU HAVE TO under all circumstances, get your parents involved. Getting others involved will get very messy and it will not turn out. I've seen it too often, marriage without the major influence of the parents are a recipe for disaster and to be honest, I think they deserve to be.
I will not give you advice as to how to find out about him etc, whether he has the same interests, because that is the job of your family and particularly your parents.
Too many people take things into their own hands these days and that is why divorce rates are soaring.
May Allah guide you and keep from committing any sins.
Assalam O Alaikum sister Alia,
I always keep separate from males and do my best to follow the Islamic laws.
I have not been looking for a partner, there is a muslim Brother that I really like. We work together and like each others company and he has always been very respectful to me. We only see each other at work,we do not have each other's tell numbers or email because we fear Allah swt.
Dear sister, do you see the contradiction here, you always keep away from men but somehow you let this person get near you even emotionally. There is nothing wrong with developing feelings for someone as far as we maintain our distance and are serious about marriage (no casual relationship/fling etc) and most importantly follow the rules set by Islam when considering someone for marriage purpose.
Sister, I don't know where you come from and what is your purpose in UK (just work, student, else) but sister just think how many women in Muslim society are allowed to take education or work after finishing their studies. So, if your parents have trust in you and they have allowed you to come here and work then don't let them down. Sister! you said that "brother in question is not very religious but he is getting back on track". Have you thought that, may be he is doing all this to win your trust, who knows what he does outside work as you only know each other from work. (may be I am wrong but it's just an assumption which is true in most cases). A lot of guys do this kind of stuff. SECONDLY, WHY WOULD HE ASK YOU TO SIT NEAR HIM. You are still non-mahram for each other and if he really respects you than he should prove it. If he makes you laugh and has a good personality or even he stays in the Mosque day and night still this approach is not good at all.
I don't know if you can find out about his character as you are here on your own and I don't know if you live in the same area/city. If you live in the same city/area then you can find out about his family and particularly about his character by making some friends (sisters) who know his family very well. A place to look for this kind sisters would be your local mosque (offer Jumma prayer and attend other functions if their is a mosque) or any other sister's organisation (it still will be quite complicated). Apart from this, I don't know if there is any other way you can find out.
As far as dating in Islam is concerned then, sister, there is no harm in getting to know someone for halal purpose of marriage in the presence of your wali, on-line dating is halal(matrimonial website) if we abide by Islamic principles, marriage events etc. For now sister! cut all the contacts with him, never be with him even during the breaks or any other time between the shifts etc. Change the department if you can or look for another job.
Most importantly, tell him that he has to keep his distance and if he is serious about marriage then he should tell his parents and tell his sister (if he has any) to negotiate with you with "what is he looking for in a spouse". After this you can see if he is the one you can spend your rest of life then go ahead. As far as you are adult, there is nothing wrong with getting married and there is no upper or lower age limit. Be strict in your dealings/conversations with him and don't show your soft side at all.
May Allah make things easier for you and help us stay on the right path (amin).
Wasalam, MKS1982
Salaam sister Alia,
Always remember one look is accidental two looks are intentional. Question for you and him is what is your intention and then act upon it. Lingering on is an act of shaitan. Make it clear to him that if there is a question of marriage then follow the halal route and get family involved. If not saty away from him as you will be committing sin. I know too many sisters and brothers say its getting to know each other, but it would only lead to heart ache if there is no approval from parents.
Masalaama
Sister H
salam , i do agree the advice and concern of sister H. indeed thats really true what she said one look is accidental two looks are intentional and Lingering on is an act of shaitan. the laws in Islam man and women are not allowed to mix one another, like what sister alia said, the man is always close to her while during work hour .., if one mam and woman are close together the third person is shaitan...
shaitan is the one whos whispering u to attract at this man...anyway the best answer sister pray to Allah ..pray Isthikara , ask Allah if ever this man is meant to be for u , then try to know him but not in a way u put ur self to close to him ... theres a lots of way , dont rush and be patince my dear sis...if he s for u ..he will be urs, contact ur parents tell them the truth for there approval and thats the best way that u can avoid the anger of Allah.
May Allah help u
shame on you for condemning this young lady. She is being moral and honest and simply wants to learn about this man.....what ever can be wrong with that in a sane world ?. I wish her happinees and joy and admire her qualities and restraint. She shows what is good in Islam whilst you who condemn her show simply intolerence and wish upon her pain....the respondants should hang their heads in shame....
Dear Alia,
I would advise you to tell your parents to get involved in this matter and not to hide any thing from them. It is very sweet in the beginning from western point of view but you have to pay more attention to what Quran and Prophetic teachings prescribe in this situation. If you listen to Allah he will Inshahallah put more Baraka in the relations after getting married ,with the consent of those who can tell you things in the light of Quran and Sunnah to you?
May Allah protect you from evil, Aameen.
Zaheer
@Martn.
Sorry but I had to comment when I saw your post. I dont think anyone here means to condemn her. I think people express themselves in different ways and some comments do come across as a bit harsh.
I personally believe from what shes said in her post - she has good morals and intentions and I agree with you 100% on this. I and all here wish her happiness too im sure about that... but it is a dangerous situation she is in.
Something that could end in happiness and goodness if dealt with correctly or misery and sin if dealt with incorrectly. Its very easy for feelings to grow and cloud our judgement Especially for women.
Look at the many other posts on here dear brother and see how many innocent sisters with good intentions in the same situation as her have ended up pregnant and in pain. We merely want to stress how very important it is that she adheres to the boundaries islam has set. I mean this with unconditional respect and my intention was not to put you down in anyway.
@Alia
Salaam dear sis. May Allah swt keep you steadfast and keep you away from sin. You obviously have good intentions which is a good start. Alhumdulilah that Allah has blessed you with conscience that you are aware of what u are doing and want to do right.
I am concerned though about some of the comments you have made about your friendship with this man dear sis as good intentions/not you are walking on dangerous ground by being emotionally involved. Zina starts in small steps like this.
"He has not made any unappropriate advances towards me, nor have I towards him. The only thing is, he will always sit near me or ask me to sit near him." Dear sis this is fueling feelings.
You need to step back from him, your feelings are clouding your judgement (not to say hes wrong for you) but be islamic in your dealings. I agree with Bro mks that you shouldnt show your soft side with him at all. This paves the way for zina - you'll talk more, like each other more and always remember shaytaan is the 3rd when a man and woman are alone. Also you open yourself up to be hurt. A guy may be nice but in general they find it much easier to walk away then a woman.
Im not trying to make you suspicious but can I add that people arent always what they seem:
- Feelings can cloud judgement and they seem perffect right. We often cant see potential problems due to these feelings.
-I have another story (why do I always have e.gs?- its annoying) I once developed feelings for a very religious brother who worked with me and treated me differently. I was very shy. He went and told my friend I was beautiful and he liked it that I had deen. That in itself is a major warning sign!! And I ignored it due to my feelings! In the end I was driven so crazy going into work I made dua to Allah to give me whats best for me and help me not go insane trying to ignore him. A few weeks later I heard him talking to my friend IN FRONT OF ME about another girl who he thinks is beautiful (she was admittedly) and he likes her etc. He left work a few weeks after! I was free 😀 What im saying is dont make the mistake I did. I am lucky alhumdulilah nothing at all happened but I still let my guard down emotionally and got hurt - which is why emotional relationships are wrong. May Allah forgive us all.
Guys can unintentionally lead us on. Even the seemingly respectful ones. This guy may have been religious but he was so very wrong for me, so Allah saved me from him. So protect your heart, protect ur soul. Fear Allah.
So step back - try your very best to not think about him (i sympathise that u work together- its pretty difficult having them around all the time- can u move department?) From now on, try to keep contact only where necessary. Dont sit near him or spend time talking to him etc..
I strongly recommend doing istakhaarah dua regularly as well (in arabic) and also trying to move closer to your deen. Make sincere dua in your own language too to ask Allah that if its good for you, bring it towards and if its bad for you, take it away. Ask Him to keep you away from sin. To remove your feelings for this man and his for you if your bad for each other. And if your good for each other then ask Him to show you the solution dear sis. The english dua I gave is not a set dua. But ask from your heart - Allah has the solution and He loves it when we ask of Him. Put your trust in Him and know everything will be ok InshaAllah.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/
I found this link for the correct way of doing istakhara so please read.
I dont know about the parent issue, thats a difficult one. He should probably try to go and see your parents if hes interested - but that might b difficult. The presence of the Imaan is probably a better option than current situation but I still dont think its ideal. May Allah forgive me if Im wrong and help u in this situation.
So ultimately:
.Step back
. Stop sitting near him, chattin with etc
. Keep contact within islamic guidlines.
. Try to involve parents if you can. At the very least his - but really u need a mahram.
. Make lots of dua for Allah to give u whats best for u (preferably in last 3rd of night) Make dua for akhirah too.
Im sorry I couldnt offer a practical solution, but Allah swt is the best of advisors so seek His counsel on this matter.
I pray that Allah swt gives you whats best for you, gives you happiness and makes you (and us all) inhabitants of Jannatul Firdaws. Ameen.
Asalam Alaikum wa Rahmatolahy wa Burrakato
Thankyou to all of you for your replies. JazakAllah Khair! MarshAllah it has helped me so much to re read my post and your replies. My emotions certainly did comfuse me,i did not relise that i was going astray befor.i could not ask my parents for advice as they both passed away years ago.also i could not confide in my brothers,for other reasons.im arab and the man at work is bangali.i dont know his Sisters and they live in another town. Allah Ta'ala's Love means more to me than anything.i must InshAllah become stronger again in my dean and behave respectfully again.my intention with the man was to see if we were best match for marriage.shamefully we have been talking for months at work.i realise now that if he was serious he would have introuced me to his Sisters,so InshAllah we could then get to know eachothers personality in a Halal way.he has never touched me skin,i would certainly not allow anything even if he tried,and he did not try.but i agree with you,its easy to fall into sin when the bounderies that Allah has set are not followed.i know that i must stay away from him now.If Allah Will's for us to be together in marrige,then nothing can change Allah's Decree.so untill his Sisters,Imam,family talk with me and my family,then i will stay far away from him from now.and if i never see his family,then i will not go near him and i wish him a blessed and happy future InshAllah. Allhamdulillah for Allah's guidance !and Thankyou again for your comments and i appreciate your honesty.some of the comments may have seemed harsh but it was to help me,so thankyou all. The reason we have been created is to worship Allah Ta'ala.InshAllah i will never forget that again.
I will stay away from the Brother at work and concentrate on being a good muslimah InshAllah.
wishes of peace and blessings to you all.
Allahavest
@muslimah Ameen ! InshAllah we will all go to Janatul Firdaws by Allah Ta'ala's Mercy and Forgivness.Ameen
Assalaamu alaikum dear sister Alia
Thank you for replying, its always nice to hear how you are getting on. Please dont be offended by a small number of harsh comments. Some people naturally talk and write in a harsh way and we only want to guide you. Personally, I am sensitive so dont like to write in a harsh way. But our intentions are to help you 100%. Alhumdulilah your heart is in the right place dear sister, so thats really good. 🙂
I was not saying that you were committing wrong, rather that you are in danger of . You said at the beginning of your post that you keep seperate from males. You seem a good, honest person. Alhumdulilah. Just realise though that not everyone is as honest and has pure intentions like you. (Maybe he has, maybe he hasnt - so its important to always protect yourself in case he hasnt.)
I know you like this man, but know that Allah has not given these rules to make things difficult for you, but because its best. There is nothing wrong with getting to know someone for marriage, but do it in the right way and keep your wits about you. Dont be alone and try to involve family.
So personally I think suddenly ignoring him or being ice cold is not a good idea:
- Talk to him much less. Make an excuse - seem busy. And keep talks polite and to the point. Dont ignore him though. If you do this correctly, he wont even notice - you wont get hassle from him as to why u are not talking to him. Men can be notoriously thick skinned at times so hopefully this wil work IA.
- Detach from him. Busy your thoughts a bit more, and try to divert your thoughts to something if he comes to mind.
- MOST IMPORTANT: Ask Allah swt to protect you from sins, to purify your intention and to keep you safe from being manipulated.
Ask Allah 'If this guys intentions are good, and he is good for me in this life, and the next then show me the halal way to marry him' and if he is bad for me turn him away from me and turn me away from him and remove these feelings I have for him. " Maybe you should do the istakhaarah dua. Ask Allah to give you whats best for you and make you pleased with it.
This is not just to protect you from sin sister, but to protect your heart as well. I have heard of too many stories of heartbreak. This is unusual advice but maybe visit this site from time to time. You dont necessarily have to comment on other posts if you dont want.
I originally started visiting last year to learn more about Islam and about people. It put things in perspective, and you begin to think and see things objectively, rather than subjectively. Most importantly you want to help others, and this site is the link.
Be safe dear sister, know that Allah swt loves you. Trust in Him, do dua and Allah will show you the way and protect you - theres no doubt about that.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
double date with friends or in a big group so you are not alone!
having friends (and their parents) who know him too maybe be a plus point in telling your mum and dad - like references for your parents.
Try and get to know him before you rush into telling your parents, because after that things will be serious - you have to be 100% sure that you like him, he respects you and he wants to marry you.
I feel that if you tell your parents when your sure - it comes across that you are mature and trustworthy.
bambi, I'm not sure if you are Muslim or not. Your advice may be very good for non-Muslims, but is not appropriate for most Muslim girls, especially those who come from conservative families. If such a girl goes to her parents and says, "I've been seeing someone..." it will immediately be a serious problem. Many parents will assume the worst in this situation and will not only reject the guy, they will consider him to have corrupted their daughter in some way.
It's best if the proposal or expression of interest comes directly from the man to the girl's parents.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Our beloved prophet, peace be upon him said“There is nothing better for two who love each other than marriage.” (Sahih Al-Jami`, 5200) . If you think he is the one for you. then get married at once. Marriage in Islam is such a simple ceremony. Allah has made it simple for us. it's a blessing. Your father has to give you in a marriage and he should accept in return for a mahr, with four people as witness. that is all. Getting married doesn't necessarily mean you have to move in to his house. at least you will be married and lawful for each other