Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Daughter dating a white non-Muslim – what should we do?

boyfriend girlfriend haraam

I have a 17 year old daughter and she has been lying to us about going out. It's a very long story; to make it short I caught her lying, she was with a boy who is not Muslim he is white, and in short we told her first of all you cant have a boyfriend and second of all he is non Muslim - if you like a Muslim boy bring him to meet us and we will arrange your marriage with him. But she says she wants a boyfriend and doesn't care if he is Muslim or not and this makes her happy. We have argued and told her nicely and also in anger but she is not listening. What should I do? I need some advice on this and how to handle her.


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13 Responses »

  1. Hello Sister,

    In our society where we live have to pay attention toward our child from early teen till they settle-down, so better show love toward her and win her by Heart, convenience her, understand her and give her time weather you are busy in Job or not, children usually get annoyed if we restricts or put any stern pressure than i am sure you may loose her, so better show love toward her and see the results, you don't have to go any where asking help, Allah is those who work on there on and than take help from Allah, there is no restriction to keep any relations with Christians only the concerning is she's just 17 right now, let her groom herself, just keep an eagle eye on her, trust her i am sure she would be best daughter ever.
    If she doesn't follow you or shows her agressiveness than first of all take help from Salat, than ask your close ones, may be they would support you, and if not than ask at last take help from any Aalim or Istakahra.

    If you doesn't agree my suggestion than ask any closeone or loveone.I am sure you would be a best mama.


  2. Just think about what you did and what you thought about doing when you were 16-25 years old. This may help you deal with a very difficult situation.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    Thinking back to the not-so-distant-past, I remember several girls in my class at school dating horrendously unsuitable boys primarily in order to annoy and get a reaction from their parents - I wonder if this might be a contributing factor? In her late teens, she may well be recognising the differences between her lifestyle and that of her friends and the "popular culture", and might feel some resentment about what she may see as restrictive rules (it can be hard to be different from your friends, whether that's by religious beliefs, physical appearance, health issues, academic achievements). It might help her to attend Islamic classes, so that she can build up her awareness of Islam and develop the skills she'll need for Islamic studies - why not check if your local mosque or community centre has sisters-only classes, and the two of you could go together?

    About this boy, if he is not Muslim, he may well not be aware that a Muslimah cannot marry a non-Muslim, but he should still recognise that it isn't healthy for a relationship to be kept secret from a girl's parents. You mention that he is not Muslim in the same sentence as saying he is white; I'm not clear if you know he is not Muslim or if you have come to that conclusion because he is white - if it's the latter, it might be worth confirming if you are correct, as there are more and more young people of all races accepting Islam.

    Your daughter's statement that she wants a relationship because it makes her happy is interesting... Is this a general statement or specific to this boy? It may well not be the boy that is the motivation to stay in a relationship, so much as the feelings of security and affirmation. It might help to look at the family situation to see if anything has changed, or if there are new stresses from school or work, and then try to incorporate time for you all to spend time as a family (eg. "Family night") and for you and your daughter to bond.

    InshaAllah you may find that this relationship ends of its own accord once your daughter has more stability and confidence in herself, her place in the family, and in Islam. May Allah guide you all to stay on the straight path.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • My advised is you may have to cleanse your family honor. You know what that means. I am sorry sister but if what you say is true she is no longer part of the ummah and MUST be sent to Allah right away!!!! Prepare a pillow and some sleeping pills in tea... This is how I did it when I was faced. Now my family can walk with our heads held high again!!!

      • Nick, Your comment is disgusting. You're probably just a troll, but if you indeed did what you say then you are a criminal. If I knew your identity I would report you to the police instantly. As it is, I only ask Allah - if you are telling the truth - to condemn you to Hell for murder, you abysmal sinner.

        P.S. You are banned from this website.

        Wael Editor

        • We can ask Allah to condemn others to hell? If this is the case then can I ask Allah to put my parents who passed away as non muslims to heaven? or would a dua like that be considered haram?

      • Nick you are a horrible person for what you wrote u did. U will go to hell for it.

  4. Salaams,

    In order for a girl to have a boyfriend she has to have access to boys. I'm assuming that since you indicate this boy is non-Muslim (to your understanding), she must not be attending a strictly Islamic school. Either that, or she met him (and perhaps continues to meet him) while she is out and about.

    Fortunately, you still have control over where she goes and how. If she is meeting him outside of school, then I would advise you to restrict her from leaving the house. The only exception would be going to school or any other classes she attends. Don't let her go out with her female friends alone, don't let her run errands alone, and don't give her free access to a car so she can leave on her own. Insist on accompanying her wherever she must go as much as you are able, and that way she won't possibly be able to talk to boys or interact with them in inappropriate ways.

    If you're already doing that, or she is not out of the house much, then I would conclude that she sees him at school and has her "relationship" with him there. In that case, I suggest you put her in a different school, away from him.

    When she's 18, she will have the legal right to move out and do whatever she likes, right or wrong. This is your last chance to fulfill your duties given by Allah to guide her rightly. She already knows where you stand, and she probably knows all your reasons. Clearly that knowledge is not enough, so she must be compelled to respect your authority with a more rigid structure. She may or may not resume her relationship with him (or perhaps another young man) when she gets out on her own, but in the mean time you are still accountable to Allah for doing everything you can to help her see the error of her ways.

    -Amy Editor

  5. Hello Sirs/Madam,
    I would like to know if a Muslim can go to the Church to attend the Prayer with the Christian, but not beliving. A freind of mine he is Muslim and his wife is christian. The husband follow his religion Islam. He does not belive on christianity, but his Wife is Christian and she wants to go to the Church with the two small children. The Husband bring them there to the Church and stay with them tell end of the Service and theny he bring them back home. Is it allowed in Islam or no? What this person has to do when he drive with this wife and children to the Church. If he stay in the Christian Praying meeting is it Sin for him or no?
    I am looking forward to hearing from you with details.

    • As-salamu alaykum. I'll give you a brief answer, and if you need further advice you can log in and submit your question as a separate post. Are the children his children? If so then they should be raised as Muslims and should not attend church. To allow them to be raised as Christians is a huge abdication of his parental responsibility as a Muslim.

      As far as the general principle of a Muslim attending church services, here is a quote from Sheikh Ahmed Kutty of

      "You are allowed to enter a church if you have a legitimate need to do so; such as attending a funeral or a wedding or in order to acquaint yourself with the Christian way of worship or even developing cordial relations with them. There is nothing objectionable about it in such cases. I would also add that they are not only sanctioned but may even be encouraged in Islam.

      In other words, it all depends on the intention and purpose of your visit. If you are entering a Church for the purpose of worship or receiving blessings or confessing your sins or beseeching favors from other than Allah, then you are wrong.

      If, on the contrary, it is not for any of the above reasons, and you simply went there to observe how the Christians conduct their services and familiarize yourself with their ways or for the purpose of outreach, dialogue, cooperation in virtuous acts, etc., then there is nothing wrong with that."

      (End quote)

      Considering this man's situation, it sounds to me like he is there for worship, which is utterly haram.

      Wael Editor

  6. assalam-u-alaikum sister

    i am Sad very sad about this because this is the lack of guidance i am so sorry now pray for her because western culture is very difficult to muslims We should care many care about him children's.
    and give clearly guideline about Islamic act

    Now ALLAH will give her Religious mind.
    also Save her to bad Habits.


  7. ASA sister

    there is nothing YOU can do. She is becoming of legal age an adult and beating her over with your disagreement is not going to change her to not date him or suddently leave her disinterest at the door. SHE has made her mind and has to make her own mistakes. She is an adult and yes she is a muslim but she is individual that has her mind made up...we all want our children to be pious and live life a certain way but she has to make her own life and make mistakes.

    you having fights with her will only make her want him MORE.

    we all make and will continue to make mistakes..let her make hers,

  8. salaam sister. you need to teach her islam then she will insALLAH change. tell her why ALLAH created us. and second tell her a disbeliever will stay in hell for ever. so i hope your daughter doesn't want this to happen.

    may ALLAH help us and save us all from His punishment AMIN!!!!

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