Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Daughter loves a married man who has two children

blind love

Assalamualikum,

I pray Allah SWT helps us and always guides us on the right path which leads us to Janah. I am writing this to you with a heavy heart and feelings of helplessness, please help us.

My daughter is 26 years old, educated and has knowledge of Islam. We have been looking for her match for the last five years, and have seen hundreds of matches but nothing was fixed. We belong to a moderate family and were just wishing to have a suitable match for her.

All of sudden we came to know she has an internet friend, and they have been having an affair for the last 4 to 5 years. We never, ever expected this from her. He lives in Afghanistan, and she belongs to India (please don’t mention our locations if you are posting this on the website). It’s impossible for us to allow her to get married to a man with two children. He has a wife and family, and he made her believed they are going to accept her in his family.

We explained her that it is not right and this is HARAM in Islam. She apologized and said she’ll never contact him again, and will stop all this sin. She was asked to make TAUBA and fast for three days, and inshaAllah Allah SWT will forgive this sin.

By the grace of Almighty Allah SWT, a very good proposal was received and everyone was happy for her, but she showed the signs that she does not agree. She gave irrelevant reasons and no one accepted that. We were thinking to finalize her wedding. She called that groom's family and mentioned she can’t marry him as she is in love with someone else.

These are just words to read, but for a respected family and Allah fearing people who have respect in society, it was so tough for us to know she did this again. It floated as a storm in our house. She was beaten for this act. Now again and again we keep explaining to her to leave all this and be a good mumin girl. She is threatening us that she may commit suicide if again if she is persuaded to marry anyone other than that man.

It’s been nine months we have been going through this trauma, and it seems there’s no way to get out of this. How can we stop her from spoiling her life? Please suggest what could be the solution to this. We are 1000% sure he is a fraud and just playing with her. There’s no security for her life and career if she leaves her mother country. How could she do this to us, she’s been raised with love and care?! Why she is ready to leave us and just go?

Massalamah,
-dudeitsmii

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17 Responses »

  1. plz explain which thing is haram acording to you in islam?
    a muslaim man can have 4 wives at the same time.
    but there is a main issue that is he able to fullfill both's responsibility or not..can he maintain balace between two women properly or not..if he can not full fill his 1st wife better so how can he would b able to full fill 2nd responsibility.. yes this is not only financialy and as well as morally and emotionaly balance too..
    but this is a bitter truth that most of man cant create balance in their lifes

    • I think she means the affair she's having with this man is haram, at least that's how I took it.

    • 174496: If her guardian refuses to give her in marriage to a man who is already married and has children, is he unjustly preventing her from getting married?
      have been approached by a brother for marriage, the brother is already married and has two children. He wants me to become his second wife.
      The brother was going to approach my wali, but I wanted to speak to my family first, I spoke to my mother, who I know isnt my wali. My mother said she will never allow my marriage to him as he is married with children. I haven't spoken to my wali as in father because of my mothers reaction.
      I would like to marry this brother as I feel I will benefit from him in deen, duniya and hereafter...Allah knows best.
      Can you please tell me what my options are to progress with this marriage..
      Do I need to speak to my father? N if my father says no to marriage to this brother, can I still marry him if an imam was a guardian

      Praise be to Allah.

      If this man is good in terms of religious commitment and character, and you want to marry him, then tell him to approach your guardian (wali), and tell your guardian about his good qualities and that you accept him. If your father agrees to accept him as a husband for you, then praise be to Allah. If he refuses and gives an acceptable reason for that, then it is not permissible for you to try to marry him through the imam of the mosque or anyone else, because there is saheeh evidence that the approval of the guardian is a condition of marriage being valid and that it is not permissible to overlook him so long as he is not unjustly preventing marriage. Unjust prevention of marriage means preventing a woman from marrying a compatible man of whom she approves.

      For example, the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “There is no marriage except with a guardian.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2085; at-Tirmidhi, 1101; Ibn Maajah, 1881, from Abu Moosa al-Ash‘ari; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh at-Tirmidhi

      And he (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid.”

      Narrated by Ahmad, 24417; Abu Dawood, 2083; at-Tirmidhi. 1102. Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami‘, 2709

      If it is proven that marriage has been unjustly prevented, guardianship passes to the next closest male relative (on the father’s side), such as the (paternal) grandfather, then the brother, brother’s son, paternal uncle and so on. If none of these relatives are present or they refuse to give the woman in marriage, then she may be given in marriage by the Muslim judge if there is one, otherwise the imam of the mosque or a Muslim of similar standing may give her in marriage.

      But if the guardian refuses to give a girl in marriage to a married man who has children, this is not regarded as unjustly preventing marriage, because he thinks that it is not appropriate for her or he fears that she may suffer in this marriage, or he fears that there may be problems between her and the first wife, as happens in many cases of plural marriage, many of which end in failure and termination of married life.

      The guardian has to look at what is in the best interests of the female relative under his guardianship. In most cases he is better able than she is to let reason and wisdom prevail over emotion, hence Islam has given him this duty.

      An-Nasaa’i (3221) narrated that Buraydah said: Abu Bakr and ‘Umar both proposed marriage to Faatimah, but the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “She is too young.” Then ‘Ali proposed to her and he gave her in marriage to him. This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh an-Nasaa’i.

      As-Sindi said in his commentary on an-Nasaa’i: The words “Then ‘Ali proposed to her” indicate that happened straight afterwards without any delay, as is indicated by the word fa (translated here as “then”). Thus it is known that the Prophet (blessings and peaces of Allah be upon him) thought that she was too young for them (i.e., Abu Bakr and ‘Umar) but that did not apply in ‘Ali’s case. This indicates that being of the same age or close in age is something to be paid attention to because it is more likely to lead to harmony. End quote.

      Thus it is known that it is possible to reject a man who is of good character and religiously committed, if the guardian thinks that his daughter is not suitable for him in terms of age or if he fears that she may suffer in the marriage, or that she may have troubles with the co-wife, or he hopes that she may receive a proposal from someone who is more suitable for her.

      It says in Asna’l-Mataalib (3/108): It says in al-Ihya’: just as it is mustahabb to marry a virgin, it is mustahabb not to give one’s daughter in marriage except to a virgin who has never been married, because people usually feel more at ease with the first spouse. End quote.

      So do not object to your parents if they reject this suitor, because they have more insight into married life than you and they are the keenest of people to get what is good for you. Their opinion is based on experience and reasoning, not emotion, and perhaps Allah will bless you with something good by virtue of your obeying your parents.

      And Allah knows best.

      http://islamqa.info/en/174496

  2. I am shocked that you beat a 26-year old grown woman. It is completely unacceptable, regardless of her behaviour. As muslims, we do NOT beat each other, even our adult children. In fact, we don't beat small children either, but sometimes it is justifiable to tap them or nudge them in the right direction. But adults -- we are human beings, not base animals.

    She wants to be with a muslim man from Afghanistan. What is wrong with that? If you have done your investigations and have concluded that this man is wrong for her and will do her harm, then show her the evidence. If she is sensible, she will no longer wish to marry him.

    • Precious Star: She wants to be with a muslim man from Afghanistan. What is wrong with that? If you have done your investigations and have concluded that this man is wrong for her and will do her harm, then show her the evidence. If she is sensible, she will no longer wish to marry him.

      You can't show evidence for everything. When people want to use some one they try be very nice to them.
      One Muslim woman's husband even put a bomb in her luggage which luckily was detected. One Indian woman married a Pakistani who treated her like a slave. For years she went to police, courts in Pakistan. She asked Indian authorities for help. No one helped her. She ended up being murdered by her husband.

      These women did not have any evidence.

      Afghan guy with 2 kids may actually be a Pakistani agent or a Jihadi recruiter looking to use that woman for ulterior motives

      How many women commenting here and living in West think about being a second wife to an Afghan living in Afghanistan where bombs explode every day?

      How many men will let their sisters or daughters be a second wife of an Afghan living in Afghanistan?

      If father goes to Afghanistan talibans may even kill her father, if they find out he is from India.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        Please stop posting stories like this - they can be very distressing for people to read about.

        Yes, the world has a lot of unpleasant things in it. But that doesn't mean you need to keep telling people to go and read about murders, sexual assaults, recruitment agents... Let's keep things relevant and avoid scaring people who are already upset.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

        • WalikumAssalam,

          JazakAllah for your kind concern.. But what he said is right. And we really don't know how to convince our child. I think such cases will open her eyes.

          JazakAllah
          Mother

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    It is completely unacceptable to beat your daughter, and such acts will only serve to drive a wedge between you and her - how can she trust and rely on people who beat her?!

    What are your concerns about this man? If you have grave concerns about his integrity, then it's important to discuss these with your daughter, and give her specific examples rather than a general disapproval. Why not invite him to approach you with a proposal? You can then investigate this and, if you find his deen and character questionable, you can then say to your daughter that you have at least given him a chance. It may be that he surprises you and turns out to be a suitable match, or it may be that he doesn't - but at least if you give him a chance your daughter will see that you have not rejected her choice without consideration.

    Islamically, your daughter has the right to refuse to marry someone if she doesn't wish to marry them. A woman's consent is essential in order for a marriage to be valid. So don't force her to marry someone if she doesn't want to and don't beat her for exercising her right to refuse.

    I think that sometimes people can get so caught up in "what will everyone think... what about our reputation?" that the most important things get lost... This is your daughter - her happiness and future matter. Islam is our faith - it matters that we follow Islamic guidance in how we treat our families and how we select a spouse. What the neighbours think is really irrelevant. Rather than worrying about the implications of a decision on whether your family's respect or honour might be affected somehow, worry about whether the decision is based in Islamic values and worry about whether it will make your daughter happy.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  4. You can't force your daughter to marry someone of your choice! What is wrong with you?

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    I am sorry for what you and your family is going through. Please understand that no good will come unless you are willing to see more than one angle on your current family situation.

    First of all, though you raised your daughter with love and care, she must feel that something is missing especially since she didn't disclose this relationship to you for several years. Please leave blame out of this as this will not solve the problem. You need to treat your daughter with love and care as of now because otherwise, you may lose her altogether. Physically beating her is absolutely wrong and I hope that you both realize this and ask her to forgive you.

    Talk to your daughter. Leave your feelings aside for a moment and ask her genuinely what she wants in a spouse and what she finds in the man she is speaking with. Ask her if she thinks he may be only using her and most likely she will say no...so then ask her, why she doesn't think that? The thing is that no person can fool another without first gaining their trust--and I believe this man is most likely doing that.

    The only way to reach out to your daughter is to build a relationship with her without the pressure of what society thinks or what the outcome will be. Since it has been a short while since you have discovered the essence of the issue, it will take some time to understand what has been going on. You can only undo one knot at a time and it would be a critical mistake to make hurried decisions in anger and frustration while feeling pressure from society. Reach out to Allah swt and start being a mother and friend to your adult daughter. She obviously needs you and you have what it takes to be a guiding light to her. Don't undermine yourself so much that you resort to violence and frustration. No one knows her like you. Use your intuition and patience and regain her trust and use your skills to investigate this man so that the best decision can be made. Pray to Allah swt for guidance and surely it will come to you.

    May Allah help you in this difficult time, Ameen.

    • This is very good advice. I wonder if the parents will be able to follow it. Many parents are reactionary and respond immediately with anger.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Assalamulaikum dear, i studied your case, first of all please stop beating her, because if you continue this you will make her stubborn, Allah Frbid, you should realize she is 26 years old, and adult, mature, not a 6 year old child. Secondly you should realize that you are not asking her to leave chocolates, its not that simple, you are asking her to leave someone she is involved with, and in love with from so long. Yes on your part your concerns that the guy is married and has family, is justifiable, and its completely understandable, but my dear you are saying you are Islamic family? You say you are so sure he is fraud and playing with her? have you got proof? if so bring that proof to this girl, if you have no proof, then just so this guy is married, you have no right to put label on any person without knowledge, also how can you say that she become a good momin girl? are you really in her heart or Allah Is? no one has the right to label or judge that so and so is momin and so and so is not, there is a saying of Imam Ali a.s "momin is not necessarily the person who surrounding is clean, but momin is the person who lonliness is clean" because anyone can claim to be "momin" on face but when alone and its only Allah watching then it is wheather a person is momin or not. and then that is why there is a thing called shariyah, if you follow it you can make peace in your home and for this girl too In Sha Allah, first of all you should know that your daughter has been avoiding marriage for 4 or 5 years, so she is very serious about this, secondly even if you get her married to some other person she will not accept him from heart, she will have this love interest of hers in her memories and heart and mind, and that is very unfair, and it would be hypocrisy, but it will not be the girl fault it would be yours because you are forcing her, by beating her up and treating her like a criminal, love is a feeling that just happens, its human its natural, but yes then goal should be marriage. Now i will tell you some shariyah points, possible steps and duas, still read it and act upon it by your own mind and heart please, in fact take all this i write to an alim too, as im Allah fearing and i dont want that i am by heart wanting what ever is good for this girl In Sha Allah, but Allah Frbid anything bad happens because of someone own other acts or sins, and then blame comes on me, please i dont want that, but yes i also want to try and help In Sha Allah. Some shariyah points, 1) A man is allowed polygamy (4 marriages at once) 2) He is allowed polygamy, but each time he marries he must have his wife (s) permission (s) else secret marriage from wife wont be haram, means marriage will be accepted in Eyes of Allah, but both this man and new wife will keep getting sin for hiding (in a way cheating) until the wife (s) is told the truth 3) Man is allowed polygamy but ONLY if he can be respectfully equal to all his wife (s) and wife (s) children in each and every farayiz of being husband and father. 4) as the girls adults or guardians you have full right to investigate this guy, so investigate truly please, if really you dont see anything wrong in him, his wife and children are also ok with the second marriage, he is a nice man, then get the girl married, because even then you dont then you are sinner, and should ask are you really fearing Allah, or the people society and all? but if this man is wrong then bring T-R-U-E P-R-O-O-F to this girl, to make sure she knows you did this for her own good, you dont want her to feel sorry for this man and think wrong about you, specialy if this man is not good, do you? So take this steps of true investigation, it needs alot of effort but it will be worth it In Sha Allah. Meanwhile ask the girl to keep up prayer, recite Surah Yasin after fajr namaz, and Ayat Al Kursi after every farz namaz. my duas are with the girl, whatever is good for her In Sha Allah that happens Ameen! 🙂

  7. People don't seem to bother to read do they. I just posted a fatwa from IslamQA saying that the girl's parents can reject a suitor due to his being married and that the daughter has no right to object.

    • Assalam alaikum Brother,

      I don't think you should assume that no one read what you wrote and in fact I did. It is good information for the OP and others inn shaa Allah.

      I think that perhaps it was a copy and paste, it didn't address the personal aspects of this story and in particular the fact that the parents have beat their daughter. This is, perhaps why, people have chosen to write down their experience or perspective.

    • Ultra-Man, how does the fatwa solve the problem? Does it cure the daughter's lovesickness? Does it stop her from following through on her threat to commit suicide? Does it heal the rift between the parents and the daughter?

      Instead of copying and pasting, take the time to read the question carefully and think about your response.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. JazakAllah for your all kind suggestions.

    We really shouldn't have beaten her........... Since then she is not talking to us the way she used to. It seems she has made up her mind with something that we are not going to allow her for this affair. I met one of the psychologist and mentioned her behavior but he couldn't help us.

    When we did our investigation, we have found he already has many female friends on his social network (FB). Where few of the girls have accepted him as their husband. And they mentioned openly that they are engaged to him. Upon telling this all to my daughter. she says " There are few girls, who just after him and he doesn't wanna break their hearts'.

    I asked her in details how everything started. it was a just chat room where she interacted him, at the beginning she said she never knows that he was married and has children. He lied so many things and proposed her. She was not serious that much but he assured her that he loves her & will take care of her. After two or three years he mentioned he has wife and children. But that marriage was not with his wish. I questioned her When you came to know about his marriage, why didn't feel bad. You check his profile, friend list. He is really kind a fraud has no job but just to be online and catch girls like you.

    Surely a man can have four fives in Islam but if he is capable of taking care of their responsibilities. There are so many things about him that is fraud. I don't bother about him at all.

    Our concern is our daughter and really it is. The whole Ramadan and before that if I'm asking any thing from Merciful Allah SWT that is my daughter back. It's really really really tough situation for us.....

    Someone have said above that we did lack in taking care of her, since that much long time relationship was not disclosed to anyone. And I must accept that. Allah SWT just forgives us for that and shower his mercy on us, gives us her back.

    I really don't know what to do now.. just left everything for time being. May Allah protect us.

    JazakAllah.

  9. I read every comment and need to explain to the parents that Its easy to give advice to others on being a good muslim and all that but in realy life non will allow their own daughters or sisters to be wed with a guy who already is married and has 2 children. Exceptions are always there I agree but not in this case. Well coming from a mediocre family myself and living in reality its not normal that u agree with her desire to get married with a married man.
    I even agree she is an adult but not wise. Now the important part u can use the loving way to reason with her and a change of place will also help but if all else fails then u should not give in to her demands. If she dosent talks to you fine let her be and if she dosent eats no problem she ll come around. All I am saying is it will take time but she will forget and lose interest. There are many ways to divert her attention a change of place. A job where she can meet other people but only if u can keep an eye on her. As u need to break her habit of him.
    Its not easy for any parent to accept what she is demanding. I have seen situations that girls do come around eventually. Hold ur ground and be firm in ur decision. No more caring if she talks to anyone or not or eat or not. Take her laptop and phone privileges as her communication with that guy needs to be stopped.
    I know most of the readers will find it offensive but its ur daughter and u will suffer in the end and after marriage if she is miserable they will adive to get a divorce. Hope I made my point.
    You are muslims and knows what is right and what is wrong deen wise and duniy wise.

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