Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Did my in laws marry their daughter off for money?

Divorced couple split in two

Divorce is often a traumatic experience.

Sallam my dear brothers and sisters,

I pray that May Allah Tala give all the Muslims around the world peace and he showers us with his blessing.

I was wondering if everyone can put my mind at rest and give me some advice

Recently I got a divorce my wife after a marriage that lasted only 2 years. Before I got married to my wife I was dating her for the past 4 years.

While dating we done things which a common couples do in the society that we live in, but I truly regret the things which we commented during our relationship. I really don't want to down the path saying what happened but we are aware of what happens. May Allah forgive me of my sins.

Me and my wife had fights before we got married like every couples do. But the fights were common and recurring on a regular basis, but we truly did love each other and deep down we thought the world of each other.

My up bring is from a traditional Asian background, living with parents and my brother and his wife, doing what traditional families tend to do and my wife's was more the relaxed western modern family that lets there children do what they Please. So from this it shows that the problems are starting to show. Knowing each others background we still decided to go ahead with the marriage and see what blessings Allah tala brings, hoping that we can live a marriage that is blessed.

Before the marriage took place my mother in law to be would harass me saying such that I would not marry their daughter etc, which is understandable. It came to such a point that my mother in law called me the day before my sisters wedding saying when I was planning to get married and had to give wedding dates!

So I promised her that once my sister got married I would talk with my family and arrange for the 2 families to meet to arrange talks ( I told my sister about my wife whom I was dating at this time, who told my family). My family then arranged for both parties to meet up to arrange the wedding. My family were over the moon, and brought her gifts to welcome her to my family. But this is when the problems started.

When the family started to arrange the wedding, my in laws started to have demands, demands such as they wanted £20,000 mahr. I didn't understand why they suddenly demanding such prices as they knew I was a regular working guy earning a average wage. It seemed that they were selling their daughter to me. I read that Allah blesses a marriage when the mahr is low and the mahr should be what a person can afford, and there was no way that I could full fill such demand. I then agreed for the sum of £10,000, which would be a delayed mahr as I didn't have that sort of money. I agreed to this sum because I loved her and could see a future. A picture that the Satan put before me. I wanted to make a point at this stage that money has never brought me happiness, but real happiness comes from the love of people.

My in laws were not rich people so the cost of the whole So the cost of the wedding ceremony would fall on me. I loved my wife that much that I didn't want her family to look small in front of my family (cousins and friends, we all know that sort of shallowness happens in this era) so I took the burden from there shoulders. My in laws wanted to do the nikkah before the marriage so that we could get the Islamic marriage so we can stay out of sin. Her family told us that they did not want a big wedding as they had a small family, but later my wife told me that they could not afford a big wedding.

My family however was very large and my dad wanted to invite my family as this was a celebration. The reason my father wanted this is because he wanted my wife to be treated exactly the same as my other sister in laws even though I got a love marriage. He would spend the same amount on her. He is basically saying a wedding means more to a woman than a man, so she could one day tell our children of our wedding and not regretting that she didn't have a wedding.

My in laws however said they will do a nikkah, which my wife would pay for. My wife at that stage had a full time job earning a salary. She explained later that fact that she could not afford the nikkah and she was stressed out. From the kindness of my heart and the love that I had for her, I decided to pay for the nikkah without both families knowing. I was confused the fact that she could not afford to pay for a party which would involve maximum of 50 people, but I didn't question this and let it go over my head.

Anyways to cut the story short, we got married and the wedding cost me a arm and a leg. I got into a little debt, which I could cope with. We both agreed that we would live with my family until we saved enough money to either buy a house or rent in London so I could still have my job and she could transfer her job over to London.

Over a period of time, my wife would started to ask me money for train fares and lunch. I started to worry as she worked, she never helped me with any finance. I never asked her for her money but I understood that she would realise that we were now married and we need to think about each other. But this was not the case.

Once she was speaking to her mum and she started asking my wife for money. I questioned my wife later and it came apparent that she was sending her wages to her family. I was confused and shocked that she was doing this behind my back without consulting me in this matter. Her brothers and sisters all had jobs, her dad and mother were getting pensions., so they had enough money to live a stable live. I was gobsmacked the fact they my wife knew I was in debt, plus she started to mention the fact she wanted to move out.

I am a very understanding guy but this started to get on my nerves as I have to pay for everything, which I felt was unfair as my family are not well off people nor my self.

Am going to really cut the story short now.

So over a period of time, I started seeing things which started to bother me. She started to work night shifts at work, so she would sleep during the day and work at nights, and I would work all day and sleep at night, so we started to see less of each other. Whenever she had days off she would go to her families home and stay for few nights. She started using the phrase my days off are my days off, and I plan to spend them with my family. But what about spending time with me and my family? Me and my family starting being 2nd.

So after a while the fights between us started to get worse and she decided to leave for the 1st time. She stayed 6 months until I eventually i got her back. After a few months she left again and it's been 1 year since she left. During the 1 year being apart me and my family tried everything to reason with her but she or family have moved a inch. Every time my family spoke to her or her family they would mention "tell your son to put the £10,000 in my daughters account."

So going back to the title of this topic, it seems as the my in laws got my wife married because of money. I say this during my one year marriage, and all the fights we had, the mention of the money was mention more times from her family. Money seemed to be there main priority, money what makes them happy, money is what makes there world turn, money brings them love and money brings them peace.

I truly loved my wife, I cared for her so much and I still do. We had good times together and those good times are killing me inside. I think about her everyday. I know she hurt me and brought pain in my life but always forgiven her.

One plus point is the fact she brought me closer to Allah. I pray, I fast, I have grown a beard, I help the poor, I help my family and friends, I still have a job and still am smiling.

Am no angel, we all have a bad side to us. I don't want anyone to judge her as she has never told her story. I had done many bad things such as swore, got angry at her and now I regret it.

Eventually I divorced my wife last month. I haven't spoken to her since. I miss her so much much. I miss her not being here.

Why do I feel like this. Do you think Allah has a something better for me in life? I have read a Hadith that Allah takes always something but gives you something better. Is this the case and how can I rest in peace and forget my past and think forwards?

Please help me.


- help_me

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14 Responses »

  1. As Salamualaikum,

    My brother, before any advise, I'd like to correct some mistakes, or perhaps misunderstandings you have.

    Do you think Nikah is different from marriage? No. Nikah is marriage. And the party that follows it is Waleemah.
    Expenses of Nikah and Waleemah are to be borne by the man getting married and not the girl's family.
    Waleemah need not be huge, such that it puts you in debt. A simple party suffices.

    Now insha Allah, your question.
    Yes my brother, when Allah takes something, He replaces it with something better, provided you have such hopes from Him. Allah is with His slaves, as they expect Him to be.
    Perhaps if your divorce did not happen, my advise would have been different. But as it has happened, I would advise you to increase your prayers (Salah), recite Quran regularly, supplicate the supplications of the day and night, and other supplications (download the book of duas: Hisn al Muslim here: )

    Do these, understanding the meanings of what you are reading, as though speaking to Allah. This will insha Allah give you some peace of the heart, and will help you overcome the pain.

    After this, I suggest you to marry another woman, who is Religious and would comfort you. Make sure the same thing does not repeat. If you sense any problem like the previous one, don't move ahead. Otherwise, get married (have the Nikaah done, with a simple Waleemah) and ask for Allah's Barakah. Insha Allah, you'll find that you have indeed found something better than what you had, as the Hadith states.

    I pray that Allah gives you peace and tranquility
    Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • religious' the brother did commited zina (minor form) before he married her thats why the marriage wasn't blessed.

  2. Dear Brother

    Yes I definitely believe that everything happens for a reason, I've heard a story about a man who needed to catch a plane to sign a million pound business deal and for some reason or other he got delayed in traffic and missed the flight, he was extremely upset but when he got home he found out that the plane he was supposed to be on had crashed.

    Therefore I believe yes although you are at that stage were the man was gutted that he had missed the flight and you're extremely sad, you will inshaAllah see better days and you'll live through this sadness.

    As for some people on here they are REALLY judgemental take no notice of them, although you did commit the minor form of zina you repented and got married which is a sunnah of the prophet SAW .

    Take care and keep smiling.


  3. Salaams,

    I second what brother Waseem said, about the nikah. You could've had a nikkah that could've been almost free or at least cost very little, and then more money spent on the walimah as you were able. But, it's all in the past now, so that issue doesn't matter much at this point.

    Here's how I'm seeing it, and I'm not a scholar so take what I say with a grain of salt. It sounds to me like you never gave the dowry. In order for a marriage to be valid, the dowry has to be given...not in IOU form, or "later", but at the time you take your wife. Secondly, the dowry is not for the parents, it's for your wife. Her wali is supposed to help her negotiate the amount of dowry, and I agree with you that the amount you agreed upon with her father is pretty steep. Did you ever talk to her, even after the nikkah was done, about what amount she wanted for a dowry? Was she ever willing to agree to a lesser amount, that you could have actually given her and fulfilled the validity of the marriage?

    As far as the cost of the wedding arrangements, since it is technically your responsibility to fund it, you don't really have a grounds to complain that you did so. However, you did have every right to set a budget that worked for you and have everyone work within that, whether they liked it or not. It sounds like you let things get out of hand with the cost of it because you were trying to make your wife and your future in-laws pleased, but truly the blame falls on no one but yourself for that. It seems especially silly that you feel resentful about it when your father himself offered to help pay for a wedding "equal" to your other sisters in law.

    The other big thing I see here is you having resentment toward your ex wife for asking for money, while spending of her own wages toward her family. She was entirely in her right to do so. Islamically, you are the husband and head of household, and so you bear the cost of the main living expenses and anything she needs for necessities such as food, clothing, etc. If she works, she is not obligated to give you any of her income or even put it toward the household, if she doesn't want to. Many wives who do work have the family in mind and do contribute, but for them it counts more as a sadaqah than an obligation. She technically had the right to do with her money she earned herself whatever she saw if she wanted to give it all to her family, that's her prerogative. You don't really have a right to say she shouldn't have done that, and no...she is not required to consult with you about it first (even though it shows a certain level of respect when someone does).

    Long story short, it seems to me that the outcome of everything is a direct result of choices you made, both before and during the marriage. What you do from this point forward is up to you, but I certainly hope you took lessons from this experience and will do things a little differently the next time marriage comes on your frontier.

    -Amy Editor

    • JazkAllah for everyone's help on my issue.

      I just wanted to comment on sameerah's comment. We all make mistakes, without understanding the full story we shouldn't comment or judge people. You Should take consideration that Allah forgives and may Allah forgive me of my sins. I wanted to ask what sameerah ment my "religious". If you could reply that would be great.

      In regards to Amy comment, I have spoken to my wife about reducing the amount of dowry, but her family wanted this much. I have paid the £10,000 today.
      An update of what's happened today - my sister rang my in laws and they once again expressed the fact about the dowry money. We explained that we have sent the money. My father in law told my sister that they will use this money for him and his wife to go Hajj. If Amy is correct that this money should be spent on my wife, then will the Hajj be excepted.
      I totally understand that she does not have to give me her wages. I never asked her for her money ever. Whenever, whatever she needed I always spent. We all live in a 29th century, it is expected for husband and wife to run a family. I got married because I could run a family, and allahamdullah I feel I did, with the help of Allah. I just wanted her to be more considerate towards me.

      I just wanted to say that I still have deep feelings for my wife, I truly miss her, and I know she also misses me. I think about her all the time, I see her in my dreams and miss her being here. Without her friends and families influence she was a really good wife.

      The part of the story I missed out was, when her mum come to stay for a few nights after the marriage, she told my family that she never liked me from the start. That was a shock, my family asked the reason why, they said that he a traditional guy full stop. Did they not know this before. Anyways after the divorce her father also said they never liked me and her elder brother also said the same thing.
      My question is, if they didn't like me from the start, then why did they get there sister, daughter married to me.

      I don't know why but I feel they hid more then they showed.

      How can I forget about her now, I really need advice and help, as these feelings are really hurtful.

      May Allah bless us all.

      • Brother i understand ur pain i am going through a divorce with my husband at the moment. And it is so depressing its tearing me up inside. I wish my husband was as considered and loving as you then i would have been happy. My problem was my husband did not provide for us i had to pay for everything! Wen islamically its the husbands duty to pay. I did it out of love.i understand sisters amys point of view which is practical. But wen u love someone u dnt think u want to do everything in ur capacity or even beyond to make them happy! Maybe dat is a big mistaje as if the person does not love u back dey wont appreciate wat you have done for them. I guess her family exepted u because she was dating u and wanted to marry you. . The best thing is get married again it will be very easy for you to find a nice wife and srart fresh and you do not have any kids. Then you can be happy again inshallah.forget about the past n look to the future i think we should try to please allah instead of trying to fullfill every wim of our loved ones! Then we will definitly not lose anything and be rewarded for this love.

  4. Brothers and sisters i desoerately want a few questions answered i have posted a question befire but i am unable to log on to post as after i type my password i have to complete endless addition and subtraction sums! Wat is all dis about? I still complted de sums t they never end i was dng it for nore then ten minutes! I would be grateful if u could answer the folliwing . Can i take my husband back after giving khula? And if i divorced my husband because of his not fullfilling his obligation towards wife n kids i.e. Not provifing for family den do i still have to give back mahr dowry? Because its his fault and also i lent him a lit of money which he never gave back can de dowry be kept as part of that payment?

    • Sister,

      You could probably try clearing the cache and retrying.

      Questions are not allowed in comments, but as seperate posts. But here, your matter is similar to that of the porter's, and it may help the brother too, as it relates to divorce and Mahr, so I will insha Allah answer.

      Did he divorce you or you sought Khula? You mentioned both in your comment.

      If it was a divorce, then read the following:

      You have the right to ask for whatever he has taken from you. You said you lent him money, right? You can ask for it from him.

      If it was Khula, then the money agreed upon, whether it is equivalent to Mahr or more, has to be given from your side. Additionally, read the following:

      Khula’ means the separation of the wife in return for a payment; the husband takes the payment and lets his wife go, whether this payment is the mahr which he gave to her, or more or less than that. The basic principle concerning this is the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
      “And it is not lawful for you (men) to take back (from your wives) any of your Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) which you have given them, except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allaah (e.g. to deal with each other on a fair basis). Then if you fear that they would not be able to keep the limits ordained by Allaah, then there is no sin on either of them if she gives back (the Mahr or a part of it) for her Al- Khul‘ (divorce)” [al Baqarah 2:229]

      The evidence for that from the Sunnah is that the wife of Thaabit ibn Qays ibn Shammaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I do not find any fault with Thaabit ibn Qays in his character or his religious commitment, but I do not want to commit any act of kufr after becoming a Muslim”
      The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, “Will you give back his garden?”
      Because he had given her a garden as her mahr. She said, “Yes.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Thaabit: “Take back your garden, and divorce her.” (Narrated by al Bukhaari, 5273).

      Even this might help you:

      If you need any further advise, please submit a separate question.

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

  5. Brother,

    I remember when I got husband had nothing to give. I accepted my wedding ring as my mahr. It truly is a shame how some families are more concerned with money versus what is really important...two people joining together to form a family unit.

    You sound like a really wonderful person who has been through a lot. As you move forward with your life, may Allah guide you, keep you and bless you with a good pious Muslimah in your near future. Keep smiling...better things are to come Inshallah.


  6. Asalamoalikum brother,

    I am sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. May Allah swt give you the patience and strength to overcome this trial, ameen.

    Firstly, if you haven’t already done so, please repent from the sin your wife and you had committed in the past prior to your marriage. It’s extremely important that you realize the severity of your sin and swear never to walk down that path again. You have the chance to repent, so please take advantage of it.

    Secondly, I must agree with sister Amy on some points with regards to your ex-wife’s earnings and where she decided to spend it (i.e., on her family, her self, etc). She was under no obligation to give you her money, unless she desired to do so. Of course, it would have been kind of her to have done so especially since you did have some debt to pay off and were courteous of her family’s demands. However, you shouldn’t have let them walk all over and that’s where you went wrong.

    I want to point out to you that there is no point of thinking why she behaved the way she did, if her family married her off for money, etc. You have filed for divorce and things have been finalized. This chapter of your life is closed. It is natural for you to miss her, miss her presence, have these questions in mind, etc but try not to let them get the best of you. It will take you time to overcome this divorce and it’s natural to miss someone who you’ve lived with for some time and whom you’ve grown so close to. But you have made a decision and things cannot be changed so there really is no point beating around the bush with it. And frankly, no one can tell you why your wife did the things she did.

    What we can advise you however is how you should cope with this situation. Try to spend as much time as you can with close friends and family. Keep yourself busy in worshiping Allah swt. When you’re feeling down, speak to Him. No one can understand you better than He can. You’ll feel some relief. Most importantly give yourself time to accept this loss and to grieve over this, but don’t fixate yourself in this process. Accept that you both made mistakes, and learn from your mistakes so that you don’t repeat them again.

    Eventually, with time these feelings will dissipate, but only if you stop asking yourself these what if questions, and stop over analyzing the situation. Accept it as the decree of Allah swt and put your trust in Him. Try not to think about getting married right away either because you need this time to heal and become closer to your creator. Once you feel that you are truly content again, then try looking for another sister and make things clear from the get go. It wouldn’t be right if you didn’t move on and decided to get re-married again since you’d just displace your emotional baggage into a new relationship and that would just perpetuate the problem. Lastly, don’t give into unreasonable demands and please watch out for those red flags. If your gutt instinct is telling you something, listen to it; most of the times it’s correct!

    -Helping Sister

    • Great advise, Masha Allah...

      Further to this, brother, please read this to have a clear picture about the status of the Mahr:

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • Brothers and sisters, you have given me some wonderful advice, and may Allah bless you all.

      I pray to Allah everyday and repent on a regular basis, and I really hope Allah forgives me. As someone said in the post she might not of loved me. I think that hit the nail on the head. I feel I do deserve better and my creator will give me better.

      Ramadan is near, I want to get closer to my lord, people can make me happy, but can't make me happier then my creator. Amen

      I will pray for everyone in my duas

      • Yes brother, keep this hope alive. Allah is with His slaves, as they expect Him to be.

        And insha Allah, you will find what you hope from Him, you will find something better than what you lost.

        A Hadith to improvise on your hope in Allah. It is about the mother of the believers Umm Salamah. It brings tears to my eyes, whenever I read it:

        Umm Salamah narrated that the Prophet (sallalaahu 'alayhi wasallam) said: “There is no Muslim that is afflicted with a calamity, and he says what Allah has commanded him to say: “To Allah we belong and to him we will return! O Allah! Give me the rewards (of being patient over) this calamity, and grant me something better than it to replace it,” except that Allah will give him something better to replace it.”Umm Salamah said “So when (my husband) Abu Salamah died, I said this duâ, but could not help thinking, “Who is better than Abu Salamah (i.e. no one can replace Abu Salamah)?” Then the Prophet (sallalaahu 'alayhi wasallam) himself sent me a messenger proposing to me, so Allah blessed me with someone better than Abu Salamah” (Muslim, Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidhi).

        Subhanallah, who can be better than the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam?

        Make use of the Ramadan, brother. The Most Merciful Lord Will Show you Mercy, insha Allah.

        Muhammad Waseem Editor

      • Yes brother, keep this hope alive. Allah is with His slaves, as they expect Him to be.

        And insha Allah, you will find what you hope from Him, you will find something better than what you lost.

        A Hadith to improvise on your hope in Allah. It is about the mother of the believers Umm Salamah. It brings tears to my eyes, whenever I read it:

        Umm Salamah narrated that the Prophet (sallalaahu 'alayhi wasallam) said: “There is no Muslim that is afflicted with a calamity, and he says what Allah has commanded him to say: “To Allah we belong and to him we will return! O Allah! Give me the rewards (of being patient over) this calamity, and grant me something better than it to replace it,” except that Allah will give him something better to replace it.”Umm Salamah said “So when (my husband) Abu Salamah died, I said this duâ, but could not help thinking, “Who is better than Abu Salamah (i.e. no one can replace Abu Salamah)?” Then the Prophet (sallalaahu 'alayhi wasallam) himself sent me a messenger proposing to me, so Allah blessed me with someone better than Abu Salamah” (Muslim, Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidhi).

        Subhanallah, who can be better than the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam?

        Make use of the Ramadan, brother. The Most Merciful Lord Will Show you Mercy, insha Allah.

        Muhammad Waseem Editor

        P.S: The dua mentioned in the Hadith reads like this in Arabic:
        Inna Lillahi wa inna Ilaihi Raji'oon. Allahumma Ajirni fee Museebati Wakhluf li Khayram minha.

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