Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How should I deal with a troubling father in law?

My in-laws are causing trouble in my marriage.

Assalamoalaikum!

Its been 2.5 years since I have got married and right from the start my father in law has been very dominant with me and my husband in Pakistan. For the first few months my husband and I lived in separately from my father in law in an apartment and we visited my father in laws apartment often. I lived with my father in law and my brother in law when my husband got a job in Riyadh. And during that time I was dictated in every little thing that I did. I was never appreciated. I was always told that this is the way we do things in his house. I could not cook what I liked nor do any setting of the house of my own. I was taunted by my father in law often when I forgot to do something. When my husband was away, my father in law never gave me money to spend. I took money from my parents to fulfill my needs. I ignored even this too.

Now that it has been 8 months since I have joined my husband in Riyadh, he has been acting very strange. Even though, my father in law is a director at a government institution and earns a handsome salary and has a lot of perks, he continues to ask my husband lakhs of money. My husband has sent him 21 lakhs to him and we do not have any savings of our own. I am pregnant and we do not have any savings for our child who is due in 5 months. At times, I get very depressed. I come from a well off family and ever since I got married, my husband has earning very well but his father takes the big chunk from him. He has dollar accounts and 3 houses of his own and I don't understand why is he doing this to us. Secondly, since I have been living in Riyadh for almost a year. I got dowry from my parents when I got married which included my bedroom set, dining table and drawing sofa set, refrigerator, washing machine and a kitchen set including all the crockery.

Since my apartment had not been in use for over 2 years. I decided to sell it to people in my family who were in need of it . On this, my father in law created a huge fight, he insulted my mother and father who went to my apartment with the permission of my husband to take my belongings.  My father in law wanted all my dowry furniture to be shifted to his apartment and he created a fuss and due to this my parents don't wish to visit him anymore. I don't understand why is he doing this? Sometimes I get so depressed, I don't know what to do. He even calls up my husband and turns him against me. At times, I just cry he is like a vacuum cleaner who has sucked everything we own from us and continues to do it.

Whenever I think about my future, I get worried sick. I pray a lot and I'm hopeful that my husband will save something for the both of us and our baby but at times when I see my father in law doing this I just cry because I have ignored this behavior of his a lot but with time its only aggravating.

Please advise me what to do.  Please reply to me as soon as you can.

~TanzilaSuri

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1 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaykum,

    This question has been bothering me for two days and evidently, everyone is stumped about it, too. Yet, the answer is: talk to your husband about creating an account which you only have access to, so that he can put aside finances for the child starting now. Every pay period of your husband's should have a predetermined amount that will be deposited into the account and only you should hold the bank cards and checks for the child. This way, there is proper accounting and since your husband has to legally and Islamically support the child, you have every reasonable right to ask for such a thing. This is the first step.

    The second is to sit your husband down and ask that he no longer disrespects you in front of his father, as it is Islamically dishonorable to do such a thing, but phrase it kindly. You actually have an upper hand over your husband that his father does not: you are a woman! Assert yourself in that role and seduce your husband to your side, a place in which he treats you fairly, courteously and gently, so that he puts your needs first. Let's face it, there's things you can do to your husband that his father cannot, so use it to your advantage. Ye, this involves intimacy, but that's what would really pull your husband to you.

    Whenever his father calls, go to your husband and charm him, forcing him to put the phone down and hang up on the old man. Turn up the heat, essentially. I know you're pregnant, but there's nothing that says that you cannot have your husband at your beck and call. And use these private moments to also have your husband bond with your pregnancy. Have him lay his head on your belly and listen to the child's heartbeat, give him an ultrasound picture for his phone and his wallet, have him feel the baby when it moves inside of you and have him rub creams onto your belly to lessen you stretch marks. Make time to do this every night, if possible. This bonding will have the gradual effect on your husband, forcing him to realize where his first priority lies.

    Do not forget to softly talk to your husband during this time about what your child means to the both of you in terms of life and your future together. Talk about how careful you must be for the baby in all aspects of your life and how you want to provide a better life from the baby than either of you have. Talk about wanting to make more babies when the time is right and how much fun you can have practicing making those beautiful babies. Seduce, seduce, and seduce!

    He is your husband and you are a garment to cover him. In this case, you must cover him away from his father's greed, and you do this by building compassion between you two. The word, 'compassion' derives from two words: comfort and passion. You can only make things comfortable for you two when you have the fire of passion, as they go hand in hand to form mutual compassion and empathy.

    Dry those tears and grab your husband by his heart, among other things.

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