Islamic marriage advice and family advice

death better than this life


Many a times i stand on my balcony pondering whether to take the leap of escape. Is there any point to live in a world full of lies insincerity and hate?

The ones who are supposed to take care of us and protect us are the ones who hurt us. Why did Allah give men the responsibility of the household when women are the ones who have to sacrifice and compromise so much? How many of the posts here are about abused and mistreated women and those who mistreat them are not held accountable for? How much pain is a women suppose to bear and suffer in silence before she gets any justice?

Id rather have a sword driven through me for the sake of islam and Allah then be in a sufferable life that has no reward.Many a times i crawl in a corner refusing to come out and face this cruel world.

How are you supposed to fulfil your responsibilities to Allah and others when you dont have the will to live anymore? God doesnt give you more than you can bear - but when someone gives up on life and doesnt want to  live anymore isnt that more than what you can bear?

When does it stop - when you finally end your life? When praying doesnt make you feel better, reading Quran doesnt help you achieve peace, and trying to improve yourself ends up with you being constantly reminded of your mistakes. It feels every step forward takes me ten steps back.

I would like to be loved, to be respected, to be treated like a human being and for the suffering of this world to end. How can we look at the suffering of children in war torn countries, our muslim brothers and sisters dying... and live in this cruel world? This world is not only a prison its part of hell.

We all possess weakness and fall prey to shaitan it is hard not to. How will we achieve paradise? Every step of my life i asked Allah for guidance and forgiveness after every mistake but all i ended up was in a life full of misery. How am i suppose to ask for guidance anymore when now im afraid of ending up worse?

Im tired of the pain and im tired of crying. Im just fed up of everything.Sometimes the hope and faith dies and i want to die along with it.


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29 Responses »

  1. Assalamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

    May Allah Ease your pain and correct all your affairs. We all have times in life when we feel nothing is working and even go to the extent of believing that Allah Does not Help (which is so untrue). If you know Allah by His Beautiful Names, He Is Ar Rahmaan ar Raheem which means the Most Merciful and the Especially Merciful. Allah Says in an aayah in Surah al Baqarah that we may like something but it may actually be bad for us and we may dislike something that may actually be good for us. Indeed, as Allah Says, we know not and He Is The Most Wise and The All Knower.

    Losing hope is the result of excessive whispering of shaitaan which should be dealt with, seriously. Shaitan is an experienced enemy; he has experience of thousands of years. He drove our parents Aadam and Hawwa Alaihumassalam from Jannah and he promised to lead the people astray, except those chosen by Allah, upon whom he would have no power. Allah also Promised that He would fill the Jahannam with shaitaan and his followers.

    I don't exactly know what you are going through, but I know you are fed up and in pain. Make du'a to Allah, to end the suffering and fill your life with as Sakeenah (tranquility) and at Tuma'neenah (satisfaction). Pray that Allah Gives you the greatest reward in this world which is patience. And always remember that Allah's Promise is true and He Never breaks a promise. He Said call upon me and I will Answer. Of course, some du'as take time to be answered and if not answered, it is because of Allah's Wisdom.

    Do you know the story of Yusuf Alaihis Salam? He was thrown into a well by his own brothers and was sold in a market. Imagine his pain...Then what happened at the end? He became a governor and his brothers sought forgiveness. He had a dream which he had narrated to his father Ya'qoob Alaihis Salam. Do you know how many years it took the dream to come true? I read it was nearly 40 years. Patience is the key to facing any problem. Thefirst tthing shaitaan would do is make us hopeless and question if Allah Cares. If Allah does not, then who does? He Loves His servants much more than a mother would. The status of a Muslim with him is far more than that of the Ka'bah; if he doez not, then who would care?

    Who makes you breathe comfortably while there are many who can't. Who makes you see while many are blind? You should never lose hope and follow the deen by following the Quran and Sunnah, as the Salaf (the first three generations of Islam) did. Allah Says that we should seek help through patience and prayer. Do this and be hopeful. It is because Allah's Messenger ﷺ said that we should ask in a way that we are certain that it will be accepted. Indeed, Allah Is with His Servants, as they expect Him to be.

    If you kill yourself, you won't but increase your pain. It is not an escape, but an entry into another problem. The world is a place of test and tribulations. It is meant to be cruel. When Allah Informed the angels that He Was Creating a Man, they asked "would you make in it, who would spread corruption and shed blood?" He Said that He Knows and the know not.

    Do you know the story of Ayoob Alaihis Salam? For years and years, he was suffering with disease. It was after some 18 years of suffering that he called upon Allah and was cured.

    The people of old were tried for hundreds of years until they asked "when is the Help of Allah (coming)?" Allah answers that His Help is indeed near. Be a person of patience and taqwa and you will see the difference.

    All these examples serve as inspirations for us. We are advised to read and understand the Quran and act on it.

    In the end, I would advise you to patiently deal with whatever problem you are facing. Your mind is probably not ready to accept that patience is the key, but if it is not, then you have no other key. Allah Is with the Patient and those who trust Him and those who have Taqwa.

    If you think we can help you further, you can provide more specifics of your problem so that those among us who have been through such a time can offer some advise or some of us can suggest alternatives, in sha Allah.

    May Allah Protect the Eeman of all Muslims and Bring His Help soon.

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  2. As-salamu alaykum dear sister,

    You haven't given us any specifics of your situation, but it sounds like you are married to an abusive man?

    You ask when it stops. Sister, sometimes a thing doesn't stop until we stop it. Sometimes life doesn't change until we make a change. If indeed you are married to an abusive man, then leave him. Free yourself of the situation.

    I know this seems impossible to some women. They are afraid of being denounced and shamed by society. Or they are afraid of the uncertainty of being alone. But are these things worse than suicide? Times are changing. Divorce is not such an unthinkable thing in the Muslim world anymore. Second marriages are more and more common. Your life does not end with divorce.

    Again, I don't know the specifics of your situation. I'm simply saying that there are alternatives to suicide, which is no solution at all.

    I agree with you that there is a lot of cruelty is the world. To read about the events in Syria, and the oppression of the Rohingya in Myanmar... it's discouraging and depressing. But I choose to believe that there is wisdom behind Allah's plan for humanity. I choose to believe that humanity is worthwhile and precious.

    And in fact I see that every day. When my daughter runs to me and hugs me tightly; when my martial arts students express their situation - a few have told me that I changed their lives; when I see certain Imams and Shuyookh striving to make the world a better place; and when I look around and see the beauty of the world, I feel happy and encouraged.

    Not all people are insincere and cruel. The world is full of good people, good experiences, and all kinds of barakah. The problem is that when our home life is abusive, we become blind to all the good around us. You have to fix the immediate problem that is oppressing you, so that you can open your eyes and see the goodness around you.

    Please also see my article on suicide in Islam and read it carefully:

    Suicide in Islam

    May Allah ease your heart and show you a way forward to a better life.

    Wael Editor

  3. Assalam Aleikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu , oh how I understand your words. I know this pain and this despair. When I was 15 I was forced into a marriage with my rapist who tortured me continually for many years. I was on the verge of suicide when Allaah called me to Islam. Literally. My ex-husband wouldn't work and when everyone tired of allowing him in their homes , he made me sleep under a bridge with him in ice with only water from a creek to drink ; while continuing his constant abuse and torture. Do you know how many times I cried out to God? How many times I begged for the sweet relief of death? How many times tears fell and inside I was screaming and still nothing? I felt that God had forsaked me and I was angry. I remember begging God to love me, save me and give me any comfort at all. And for so many years, nothing changed. And I know whatever you are going through is hard because I can feel your pain as it is mine . The very words you have used , use to be mine. But eventually, when I felt it was the end... Allaah saved me from myself and gave me islam. Let me explain that even if these things are unbearable to you , even if the pain is so deep and you feel like you can't take anymore; you have to keep crawling even when you can't walk anymore. The closer you come to Allaah , the harder the trials and the more He loves you. I know it gives no comfort to what you are going through because now you are at a point of despair. But this is Shaiton who wants you to fail, he laughs at our pain and our hopelessness. Even though you want to give up , it's important that you prove to yourself that you are stronger than whatever Shaiton whispers. And it's not easy wallahi I know it's not easy. Don't let anyone make you feel less than what you are, don't let anyone make you feel unloved because it's not a loss to you. You mean something to Allaah. You say that the closer you try to get to Him , the more you go through. Sister, when I accepted Islam ... My whole family disowned me , I was fired from my job, I divorced, I lost my home and my kids , I don't have any Muslims within 2 hours of me and I've been hospitalized 3 times because of the abuse from people who hate Islam. No one loves me either but I know Allaah does. But giving up , means the Shaiton wins. You can't allow this life to destroy you. The prophet (saw) once said that on the plane of resurrection , the people who didn't suffer much would look to those who had and wished they had suffered such calamities. Just don't stop crying out to Allaah, continuing begging Him and don't give up because this is your trial and purification. Know that I love you for the sake of Alllah and that I will make a lot of dua for you . Just keep striving sis in shaa Allaah

    • Oh sister i really feel for you. Are you are alright now ? I hope so.

      • Yes alhamdulillah I feel great now. It's just patience sis. One day everything just doesn't hurt the same. But in shaa Allah we should now focus on how to make you feel much better .

      • Sis, you recieved many good advices here. MashaAllah I hope that you have had some comfort from all the beautiful advices . I pray you are in the best of health and imaan Aameen ya Rabb

    • Alhumdullilah that Allah guided me of this site. Hafsa your story and many others like you who show courage and imaan have been an inspiration to me. Jzk for sharing your story.

      • All praise and thanks to Allaah for uniting us within this site. I hope we can all serve as an inspiration for one another, advising one another in the way of Islam and providing some comfort to hearts that are broken in shaa Allaah. JazakAllaah khair sis for your kind words. <3

  4. Thanks for the responses. Its quite a long story. To cut it short the reason i keep giving him chances is because i feel partially responsible and i think God is punishing me for my mistakes. 4 years ago i met my husband on a muslim marriage site. We agreed to get married but i was unsure because we were always fighting and something didnt feel right. I knew it will be hard to sponsor him since he was just working in UK and i was in americas.He seemed to be in hurry .within few months he went to pak to tell his family about me. My mistake which i deeply applogised for and am paying for heavily for 4 years was that i had met someone locally and he wanted to marry me as well. No haram took place just work colleague in same building. So i had told my now husband that i wanted to marry someone else.He told my brother that im planning to marry someone who is just after visa here. And this other guy was.So then he asked me again to marry him and we got married in my home country since my parents were there at that time.I had a friend who is a guy and uses to to text me hadith. I did not see any harm in that and my husband saw it and he accuses me of having affairs. Since wr got married i cut of contact with any guy except my brother and father wallahi. Even my friend who were girls if my husband didnt like them i cut off contact with them.My third mistake was before we got married during ramadan one of my employees asked to be dropped home because he was fasting. He was younger than me and i kmow it was mistake but i did. I had told my husband that i did that because i didnt want to hide anything. Till this day my husband uses those three mistakes to constantly insult me. He does sins and if i confront him he remind me of what i did. His sins are far worse. Lies infidelity cigarettes sheesha he grabs me so tight that i get bruises.And if He calls really bad words and says i should take take off my hijab because im not good muslim. I used to pray 5 times before i started living with him. He condemns my faith so much i lost ny interest in prayer i lost my interest in living and i lost the person i was. I travelled to the hell hole of pakistan and uk for him on my expense. I quit 2 jobs for him.He never pays my bills even i had to leave job for him. I pay my expenses through my credit card currently.I was getting a job at the mall and he refused saying he doesnt want me to work at mall. Well shouldnt he pay for my expenses then he does take care of house expense for now.I lost all my savings and am in a lot of debt. He used my cresit card and when it expired he jus threw back at me when he reached the limit. My family didnt like him from day one.I had the marriage fever and it was difficult living on your own in this country and i didnt want to fall into sin but now i regret getting married. He does whatever he wants and if i say anything he accuses me of everything. I got pregnant he asked for a dna test and asked me who comes into the house after he leaves. I lost the baby and im glad because he didnt deserve to be a father. Sinning would have been better than getting married. At least i cud have repented and moved on instead of having a life long wound. I dont think i can smile again or ever be normal.I repented for any mistakes i made and i tried to imrove but this mans words and actions keep making me into a worse and hateful person.

    • Ahhh you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Which is just as bad . You can choose to be patient and continue this way or you can seek divorce sis. If he is the cause of your desire for suicide and dragging you away from Allaah, it might be good to ponder it. Allaah hates divorces but He is Merciful. This is not the marriages that Allaah swt commanded. He has rights over you but he does not have the right to verbally and emotionally abuse you. Nor does he have the right to manipulate you in this manner . The prophet (saw) forgive umar RA who was setting out to kill him and had tortured many of the early followed before he embraced Islam, so no you don't need to be accountable for last mistakes. Especially, when reverse psychology and deflection is taking place . Or what i call the mirror effect . When someone is doing wrong but uses deflection to bounce the actions onto you so they aren't in the spotlight. Your husband plays a huge role in your life but Allaah has a bigger more important one. He entrusted you in your husbands care and he is abusing you. Never let anyone make you wish death sister. You are more important to Allaah than you imagine. Nobody is worth ending your own life so let no one stand between you and Jannah . <3

    • Assalam alaikum Sister,

      It is obvious that your life is in turmoil and you are deeply affected by everything. It has taken, I imagine, quite a while to have you in this situation, and therefore, it will take a while to get you out.

      You have received a lot of good advice--especially the part from Br. Abu Abdul Bari which talks about our clear and open enemy shaitaan. Each one of us has assigned a shaitaan from when we are born and the whispers you get are meant to persuade you to use your freewill against the laws of Allah swt.

      It is important that you use your brain to think what are your thoughts and what are the whispers from shaitaan (which are usually in your own voice). You have to start here to fix any tangible problem in your life.

      Do not let shaitaan convince you that entering into haraam before marriage would have been better than this OR that you are better off ending this life. First, you have to understand that before we came into this world, we took an oath and accepted this challenge. Yes, even you did.

      You need to get couselling for yourself and if your husband is hurting and abusing you, you need to get away from this abuse. To know that he is preventing you from wearing hijaab and praying is sad.

      My father has put me through a lot of trial and tribulation throughout my entire life to the point that it paralyzed my soul and threw me into depression. No matter what kind of success I had, I never felt worthy of anything--it has taken me years only to begin understanding that the memories of him and his continuous abusive ways do not have to be shackles on my soul.

      People are not always kind and they do not always understand the pain we hold. When people in the community would find fault with me because they claimed a father would never do what my father did, I would ask them "Would a father throw their child into a firepit?" And they would respond, "No." To this I learnt to say "Clearly you have not read the Quran, because Prophet Ibrahim's AS father did do that."--and they did not have a response to this. You see, you can't judge yourself by the people around you. You can't measure yourself according to the people. You will never satisfy the people. Do not have many expectations with people.

      Untie each knot in your life one knot at a time.
      Get counselling.
      Start taking care of yourself with one good thing for yourself everyday.
      Differentiate between your thoughts and shaitaan's whispers.
      Feed yourself good thoughts.
      Escape from negativity by listening to the Quran.
      Read about what Allah has promised you and focus on the particular parts that motivate you in particular.
      Do not lose hope.
      Allah specifically and intentionally made you, you are not a mistake.
      Allah tests those He loves.
      This world is meant to break you, but only if you run after it.

      I pray that you break free from the poison of shaitaan and fight for your soul and see what is hiding behind all the pain--which is the love that Allah swt has for you.

      May Allah ease your pain...

      • Saba: People are not always kind and they do not always understand the pain we hold. When people in the community would find fault with me because they claimed a father would never do what my father did

        Just curious, was your father bad to every one in your close family (your mom and siblings) also. Did your mother support you?

        • SVS,
          It isn't something that I can write about briefly because it wouldn't do justice to what happened. Ultimately, nothing is left and all is broken now in my family. Where I expected my home to be my shelter, there was none.

          My earliest memories from my childhood haunt me to this day--you could say there wasn't much of a childhood--and often I felt there was no solid ground. I was extremely successful at school, but I thought when teachers would compliment me that they were being nice, but insincere. Even to this day, I struggle with the voice in my head that echoes my worthlessness--and however logical I can be at times, it is next to impossible to get rid of, but only combat continuously with Dhikr.

          All I can say to the OP is that there is tremendous amount of pain in this world but I found solace in reading the Quran and even simply talking to Allah swt. I do remember a time being seriously afflicted with shaitaan's whispers especially because I thought they were my own thoughts. I don't remember how, but I finally made the connection with waswasa and these thoughts. I wish I had known sooner, but Alhumdulillah, it is never too late as long as we are still alive.

          Know that Allah knows your pain.
          Know that Allah alone will recompense us for more than we deserve--does Allah not forgive us?
          Know that Allah wants our dedication, love, sincerity and therefore, many circumstances in our life, remind and turn us towards Him again and again.

          It is easy to become lost in the big picture of the world and if you are in an abusive, toxic relationship, it only compounds the matter. Get to safety. Infuse your brain with the thought that Allah created you and loves you...and then take one moment at a time to climb out of this misery. Inn shaa Allah, you can do it.

          • Beautifully said sister .

          • I am sorry to here some of what you have been through sister Saba and sister Hafsa , however, I am glad to know where you are now MashaAllah and Alhamdulilah. May you continue to find peace and comfort in dhkr and patience--indeed that is what has kept you so strong and special, and your comments on this website are witnesses to your great personalities and insights MashaAllah.

            I have two gifts for you from the Holy Quran for further reflection (surah ad-duha/the morning light, and surah al-inshirah/the soothing)--they are gifts you already know inshaAllah.

            In the name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.

            1. By the morning light.

            2. And the night as it settles.

            3. Your Lord did not abandon you, nor did He forget.

            4. The Hereafter is better for you than the First (Dunya).

            5. And your Lord will give you, and you will be satisfied.

            6. Did He not find you orphaned, and sheltered you?

            7. And found you wandering, and guided you.

            8. And found you in need, and enriched you?

            9. Therefore, do not mistreat the orphan.

            10. Nor rebuff the seeker.

            11. But proclaim the blessings of your Lord.


            In the name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.

            1. Did We not soothe your heart?

            2. And lift from you your burden.

            3. Which weighed down your back?

            4. And raised for you your reputation?

            5. With hardship comes ease.

            6. With hardship comes ease.

            7. When your work is done, turn to devotion.

            8. And to your Lord turn for everything.

          • JazakAllah Br. Issah.

            Whenever I read Surah Ash-Sharh, I am deeply soothed how Allah swt repeats iyat 5 and 6--as if to remind us immediately that ease will come and to not lose hope--we humans need the reassurance, SubhanAllah.

      • Sister Saba,

        When I come to this sight, they are days when I am feeling low and blue. Reading your comments and other posts are therapeutic and eye opening. Though I am at a crossroad in my life and desperately praying to Allah for guidance and answers, coming to this site is an outlet and I am learning from other peoples lift experiences.

        • Jazak Allah Sr. Lisa,

          I have to smile at the irony of how pain can in fact cause therapy for another--that pain in fact has a purpose to provide guidance in the future and that it isn't something useless, SubhanAllah.

          Whatever you are going through, May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

          • I'm sorry for any pain either of you sisters are going through or have been through. And I pray you both are in the best of health and imaan. Aameen ya Rabb

          • JZK My sisters Hafsa and Saba.

  5. I feel your pain. You have two options leave him or carry on living this horrible life that you don't deserve. May Allah make it easy for you as I know divorce is a difficult thing to do. In your case you should divorce him and leave him he don't deserve you. Why put up with it any longer than you have, this man will never change.

  6. awaitingdeath: God doesnt give you more than you can bear - but when someone gives up on life and doesnt want to live anymore isnt that more than what you can bear?

    Get some education. Even some thing like CNA. medical assistant job should provide you with enough income to support yourself. If your husbands is having affairs, leave him.

  7. Hafsa: When I was 15 I was forced into a marriage with my rapist who tortured me continually for many years. I was on the verge of suicide when Allaah called me to Islam

    That is horrible experience. Don't tell me you lived in a Western country when that happened.

    • Yes in a southern strict pentacostal home in western society where my grandfather was the preacher ; and my great-grandparents before him and their parents. The man who committed the crime was 29 and the youth minister. So, yes sadly this happened in the west.

      • Salaam Sis, If you need any financial help or assistance please let me know. You have been an inspiration to me today, i accepted islam 20 years ago and the words you spoke went right through me. A

        • Very kind of you to offer . May Allaah reward you 100 times more your intentions Aaameen All I ask is dua for myself and everyone else here struggling and advising one another In shaa Allaah.

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