Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Death with dignity?

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My good friend, a devout Muslim woman, is caring for her 87 year old husband, helped by her daughter, a young mother, who lives with them. My friend and her daughter are by his bedside night and day. He is bedridden. He is blind. He cannot speak or move. He cannot eat solid foods and swallow them. She and her daughter must feed him processed and pureed, liquefied food. They must slowly pour his food and his water into his mouth, being careful that he will be able to swallow each time. They must bathe him. They must take care of his bodily waste. They both admit that he has no quality of life. And still they care for him night and day. He would not be alive were it not for her and her daughter’s care for him.

They have been told by their doctor (they live in the United States of America) that the old man cannot ever expect to be better, that he should be allowed to die. And the mother and daughter cannot permit this to happen. What are the Muslim teachings about this? Is there some permission to allow a dying person “death with dignity”? And how should I, her friend, give her counsel and support in this terrible time for her whole family? I appreciate any guidance you can offer.


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5 Responses »

  1. Dear sister DS Asalamoalaikum ,
    Assisted dying is forbidden in Islam .
    The Quran says : donot kill or (destroy ) yourself or others , for verily Allah has been to you most merciful . Surrah 4 29.
    In light of this quranic knowledge your friend and her family is doing right thing and most likely earning immense reward for themselves.
    Of course they should not prolong his life with artificial feeding however as long as he is able to have some intake with assistance it is fine. If he refuse or unable to take it then donot force it.Give him maximum comfort care thru hospice and avoid any medical interventions at this time and let nature takes it course.
    It is very hard period for care taker but as they reside in USA so involving hospice /home health care could be a big help .
    Yes your friend needs lot of emotional support on daily basis because depression and anxiety is very common in caretaker of chronic debilitated patients. You can play a role in this by providing this emotional support.
    Good wishes.

    • I want to thank you, Gracias, so much for your helpfulness in advising me about my friend's dying husband. I shall provide her with a copy of your advice and inquire how I may be of any help that she or her daughter might need or want. When I saw them both yesterday, they both thanked me for trying to be of help. And now I thank you...

      With every good wish to you, DS

      PS. I am an American man, not a woman, but you could not know that from my initials, DS, alone. Although I do not believe in your tradition, my friend and her daughter do.

    • Thank you, Gracias, so much for your thoughtfulness in advising me about my friend's dying husband. I shall provide her with a copy of your advice and inquire how I may be of any help that she or her daughter might need or want. When I saw them both yesterday, they both thanked me for trying to be of help. And now I thank you...

      With every good wish to you, DS

      PS. I am an American man, not a woman, but you could not know that from my initials, DS, alone. Although I do not believe in your tradition, my friend and her daughter do.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Assisted dying and "death with dignity" have been in the media a lot recently - these are complex and emotive issues, with so many conflicting emotions that can influence how a person feels about it. These are questions to which any answer a person comes up with, they'll likely be left thinking "was that the wrong thing to do?".

    But in Islam we already have our guidance from Allah, Alhamdulillah - that we should not act to end the life of another person. Life is a unique and precious gift from Allah. Only He has the right to decide when it is time for a person to leave this life.

    Your friend, her husband and her family are going through an extremely hard time. But by caring for him to such an extent, they are giving him something much more meaningful than the idea of "death with dignity"... Life with dignity. While he may be significantly limited in terms of what he can do, and I'm sure he wouldn't choose to be in this situation if he could avoid it, he is inshaAllah able to be aware of how much love and care his family are showing towards him. While there is life, there is potential to find some happiness in this life and to become closer to Allah through faith, prayer and perseverance. Death is an end to this potential.

    I'm concerned to hear that a doctor has advised that he should be allowed to die. I really hope that this doctor was not advocating assisted dying or actively ending his life... this would be illegal in many places, and totally inappropriate for a medical professional. There is, of course, a difference between actively hastening someone's death, and artificially sustaining existence. Your friend and her family may wish to consider what her husband's wishes would be with regards invasive procedures such as artificial feeding, CPR, intravenous treatments, etc. These are difficult issues to think about, so it's really important that the family have access to a medical team that are committed to high-quality care for people with severe and potentially fatal illnesses. They might find it helpful to make contact with local palliative care/hospice at home services.

    There are lots of ways in which you and other family friends may be able to help. Think about what skills and strengths you have that might be helpful, and talk with the family about it - even if they says that they're fine at the moment, they'll appreciate that you thought to ask. Remember as well that it's important to be able to follow through on whatever commitments you make, so don't agree to things that you don't feel able to do. Some ideas of how to help:
    - Pray for them - keep them in your duas.
    - Help out with shopping/errands - if you drive, you could give someone a lift to the shops, or you could pick up shopping for them along with your own.
    - Sit with your friend's husband to give her a break (remember to observe appropriate limits as he's not your mahram).
    - Spend time with your friend and her family (even if it's just to pop round for coffee - little things can make a huge difference).
    - If you or your husband are good at DIY, offer to help with any jobs they have, which would give them a hand around the house and give them more time to spend with your friend's husband.
    - If your friend's family includes children, offer to have them over occasionally so that your friend can have some time to spend either by herself or with her husband (as well as it being something new and enjoyable for the children to do).

    I pray that Allah rewards your friend, her husband and her family, for their faith and strength in facing this trial.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Thank you, Midnightmoon, so much for your thoughtfulness in advising me about my friend's dying husband. I shall provide her with a copy of your advice and inquire how I may be of any help that she or her daughter might need or want. When I saw them both yesterday, they both thanked me for trying to be of help. And now I thank you...

      With every good wish to you, DS

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