Deception has shaken our marriage – what should I do?
Lies have shaken our marriage.
Hi, I had a question to ask.
I got married around 20 years ago and before my husband and I got married he told me about his ex wife. It was an annulment. The reason why he left her was because he found her and two other men in bed with her. So, when he told me this, I accepted it. So we got married, had three children. Most recently, he told me that he has a daughter looking for him. They're talking on the phone and communicating back and forth. He told me now that he knew that his ex wife was pregnant, but he did an annulment and refused custody, because he found two men in bed with her and he wasn't sure if the baby was his. When he told me his past twenty years ago, he never told me this part. His whole family knew and kept it secret from me for years. I feel absolutely betrayed and heart broken. He says he doesn't want me to leave. At this point, I'm not sure if he loves me, I feel like he just used me. I don't think I can ever accept this daughter into our family. I'm not sure what to do? I'm not Muslim, but I read the Qur'an and I would like to have some guidance.
Emily
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His passed and his loving you are two very separate issues.
He's been married to you for 20 years, and I'm guessing he hasn't treated you poorly or cheated on you. I can understand that maybe he didn't believe the child was his if he found his wife in bed with someone else, so why are you blaming him for that. Sometimes people go many years without knowing their children, maybe he just found out she was his.
If it's been more than 20 years, the girl is an adult now and it's not like she needs much attention or care from you. Idk how you feel used but I do understand how u feel betrayed and disappointed. You have every right. But I think it's not necessary to leave him. It would be selfish of you to make him ignore his own daughter.
(Comment removed)
"Sister in islam," I deleted your two comments because of the extreme generalization and hatred toward all men that you display. And a fair amount of racism as well. I don't know your personal experience, but I cannot imagine why you would think that your experience defines all Muslim men. Just as I do not allow generalized insults directed toward women, I also do not allow it toward men. That is not Islam. Allah created men and women to be protectors of each other, to treat each other with kindness. Each gender has their own beautiful qualities, and the complement each other.
You are free to post further comments if you can do so without the hatred and insults.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
MY husband is a heroin user, and he allows himself to use for years I want out, of this marriage what can I do to get out of this legal mess?
I think your husband should have a paternity test done to determine whether he is the biological father. (If he was not sure 20 years ago then this test should be done ASAP) Because if she is his daughter she in entitled to inheritance. I think you should try to forgive him if he has been a good husband to you during your marriage. You can speak with a professional if forgiving this is difficult for you. I understand that this was a shock and trust issues might be big problem for you. I wish you the best in this situation.
Salam,
I think he just didn't tell you because he didn't think it was his baby. Finding her with two men and not being able to trust her as to how long it could've gone on I doubt he thought that was his daughter and purposely tried to hide that fact. As for his family they would've thought the same thing. I'm not his family and I would say there's a 1/3 chance that's his baby. Heck I would even recommend a paternity test. If it his daughter then she's done nothing wrong and should get good treatment. I'm sure if you were in her position you would want to be accepted as family. If it's not his daughter then good treatment as a stranger.
I think your husband is a lire and so is his family. Now days when a Muslim guy marries they lie a lot even more lies hidden when they marry a non Muslim. Be careful and I bet you he is lying about his wife! He hide this from you for 20 years this is huge thing. Wonder what other lies he told you. I know one Muslim guy who married a non Muslim and after 6 years he was still married to
Another Muslim women and lied to both of them and had kids with both and both don't know about each others it's crazy I know but possible