Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He’s trying to decide whether to pick me or his family

depressing unhealthy love

My whole life I waited to meet the right guy and I finally did when I was 18. We started going out and I made it clear to him that I was with him because I felt that he had potential to be my husband and that I was serious about the relationship. His family is very strict and only does arranged marriages within their Mehdavi community (branch of sunni). He always said he would marry who ever he wanted despite how his family would react. After being together for 1.5 years he broke up with me because he decided that he couldn't choose me over his family.

He was worried that if he married me he would be disowned from his family and never see them again. It was too hard for me to keep speaking with him so I cut of contact with him for about a week and he kept trying to contact me. After a week, and seeing his texts that day I had a feeling something was wrong and I decided to talk to him. It turned out his brother got into a car accident and I was right that something bad happened. Since we started speaking again he was telling me how he was stupid and can't lose me again and it was agreed that he would marry me no matter what happened with his family. Half a year later his cousin got married to a man outside their community.

Her parents and his family haven't spoken to her since the wedding and she is basically disgraced from their perspective. After the wedding he got scared and broke his promise to me that we would get married one day, and said he only intends/possibly will marry me one day. He is trying to decide whether he could leave his family for me or not and I'm in this miserable situation of waiting for him to decide again. I want him to make a decision and be firm about it but I just don't know what to do. Just because I'm not a Mehdavi and in his community his parents wouldn't consider me. It doesn't matter to his parents if I'm a good Muslim or how nice I am or how much we both want to wed each other. He thinks they won't give me a chance.

I wish he was strong willed and would just fight for me but he's too worried about losing his family. I was trying to reason with him that his family wouldn't leave him because his brother cheated on his wife and use to party and drink and sleep around and they didn't leave him. Also his cousins father is so sad and wants to talk to his daughter and most likely will end up doing so, its too soon to say she only got married a few weeks ago.

I also told him that if we got married and had a baby his parents would want to be involved in their grandchild's life and would probably come back into his life, if they did cut him off. He still feels like he has to choose between me and his family despite my reasoning that he could have both. I understand its hard considering his family might abandon him, actually to his family it would be him abandoning them if he chooses to marry me. I just need some advice on what to do! I don't want to lose him again.


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2 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Unless a marriage is actually being planned at this point, you should not be dealing with him. From the way it sounds, he has not made up his mind as to whether he is going to marry you or not. That is his decision to make, not yours. He has to be the one to weigh the pros and cons of marrying you in spite of his family's wishes, not you. Clearly, he has not sorted it out fully yet. Until he does, you should give him space and focus on your own character and reliance upon Allah to meet any and all of your needs.

    If he decides to marry you in spite of his family (since they are not making any Islamically valid reasons against the marriage), then your mission is to try to be the best daughter in law that you can, so that you can help mend any broken fences with him and his family.

    If he decides to honor them and let you go, then you will already have started living your own life for yourself, and you will have already have begun to trust in Allah that whatever He denys you, He will compensate for by giving something better suited for you.

    If you continue to interact like this with him before any firm decisions are made regarding marriage, then you are engaging in a haram relationship with him- one that quite possibly doesn't have a future anyway. Step back and let him make the choices he needs to make. He knows you will be waiting at the end if he chooses the path that leads to you, so support him now by making du'a for him to make the right choice by Allah, and working on being the best person you can be for whatever your future holds.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Dear rjh

    I'm sorry youre going through what you are.
    I hate it when families meddle with their children's choices for marriage most probably for the sake of society and not Allah.
    The way we Muslims manage to build silly social stratas no matter where we go is something beyond my comprehension.
    No matter how rich or poor, weather we come from fiercely guarded and maintained bloodlines or those whom have immigrated and rebuilt their own Muslim community. Muslim parents love to place themselves and others into categories; and the real reason is to glorify ourselves, It has nothing to do with islam and everything to do with self importance, I consider this self love a form of self exhalation which when you think of it is similar to shirk.

    I believe that families love to play tea party with their kids lives and future, and often when they deny a marriage and their son / daughter ends up marrying someone of their choice it makes no difference at all.
    Id rather my son was married to someone whom truly loved him and she would love me because of that.
    At the end of the day when the wedding is over and only two make up the marriage.
    Society and the silly wedding is nothing we take to the grave with us.
    Having said that, im sure understanding how you feel may ease your angst but I wont beat around the bush for your own good.

    There is a reason why having love relationships before marriage is wrong, you risk getting hurt and this is one of the reasons its haram, plus the obvious other reasons its haram too and they are parallel.

    The other reason is when a man talks to a woman, she looses her appeal somehow. In his mind somewhere hes thinking if shes sticking around there must be something wrong with her.

    I cant help but feel that if this man of yours really was convinced he would do anything given the circumstance and the example of his brothers wife and his cousin , to convince his family.
    The reason I feel he is hesitant is not just because his family, its because he isnt sure or hes taken you for granted.
    You were wrong to put yourself out on a limb when Allah gave us rules for our protection but I will also say shame on the man who lassos your heart because its the only heart you have.

    Allah has warned men about doing this:-
    Surat Al Bagarah 2:235
    There is no blame upon you for that to which you [indirectly] allude concerning a proposal to women or for what you conceal within yourselves. Allah knows that you will have them in mind. But do not promise them secretly except for saying a proper saying. And do not determine to undertake a marriage contract until the decreed period reaches its end. And know that Allah knows what is within yourselves, so beware of Him.

    Also , by entering a relationship that isnt yours you have open your heart to somewhat worship a mortal man, and this love is only for Allah, and if you think im wrong read the following Aya

    “And yet there are some people, who replace Allah with rivals, loving them as Allah is loved. But the believers love Allah more intensely” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:165)

    It hard but you have to think straight, stop blaming his parents when its really him, if he wanted and he felt you were worth it he would make it happen. Just because he doesnt, it by no means means your not worth it.
    You are and you are to yourself first and foremost.

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