Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband doesn’t have a white collar job, I feel ashamed sometimes.

girl praying,

In a Qudsi hadith the Prophet reported that Allah says, " servant does not come closer to Me with anything more dear to Me than that which I made obligatory upon him. My servant keeps coming closer to Me with more volunteer deeds, until I love him. When I love him, I become His ear by which he hears, his eyes by which he sees, his hand by which he holds and his foot by which he walks. If he asks Me anything I shall give him. If he seeks My protection I shall grant him My protection"(Al-Bukhari 6021)

I am a 29 year old female with two daughters mashAllah! I also have a loving husband who really does care for me.

Yet at times, I fall under severe depression, undergoing feelings which I cannot share with anyone. Everyone in my family is highly educated, comprising of doctors, engineers, CA's etc however certain situations arose that I got married to a guy who is not too highly qualified.

And now here in the west, he doesn't have a white collar job like the rest of my family. I know I sound soooo materialistic but I can't help but feel ashamed sometimes. I feel like my family, my relatives look at me differently now because of my changed social status.

I have tried to convince my husband to get an education here in the west so that he may receive some good job offers in the future, but now with a family and bills to pay, he doesn't have the time off from earning money. Since he works on weekends as well, we never get a chance to go on holidays, on long weekends or any other time.I don't fight with my husband about these things at all. I am understanding and never make demands he can't fulfill.

I just keep quiet about all these feelings that go on and on inside of me. But i know that I am very depressed. I try to keep myself busy with my chores and my children but there are times when I cant help it.

My own brother who was very close to me even after I got married has now changed. He got married to a girl again whose family is very educated and since then he looks at me differently as well.

Sometimes because of these things, I just want out from my marriage but I know I am wrong to think this way. I pray to Allah to somehow change my situation and whether you have an answer for me or not, please do pray for me.


Tagged as: , , ,

10 Responses »

  1. Sister, Asalaamualaykum,

    I do not think you are materialist, but I do think you are being affected negatively by society and the whispers of shaytaan. You married your husband knowing what work he does and how educated he is, if it didnt bother you then, it shouldnt do so now either.

    Through your own admission, your husband is loving and caring and appears to be hard working aswell - these are good qualities your husband has. If your family look down on your husband because he is not up to their 'standards', this is their insecurity and arrogance.

    I think it would do you some real good to reflect upon the beautiful qualities in your husband. Furthermore to remind yourself that there are many men out there with 'Professional' jobs who are not good to their wives. A job does not define a person's character, however if he is hard working and doing a halaal job, this speaks highly of his character.

    If you come from a family who are used to going on holidays etc, then I can see being in a situation where you cannot afford to do so with your husband, this may be frustrating for you. But I will advise you to be patient and don't make your husband feel that he is not doing enough for you. If you are in a loving marriage, be grateful - you have alot more that so many sisters have. Have you read some of the posts on this website from sisters who are abused by their husbands? Support your hard working husband with love and appreciation and ask Allah to protect you from this waswasah (whisperings of shaytan).

    Something you could do practically ease the financial burden from your husband is for you to find a part time job. However, if this has a negative impact on your role as a homemaker, then I would say do not work. Instead, keep reminding yourself of all the positives of your marriage, look at those who have bad relationships with their husbands and say 'Alhumdulillah!'

    Along with your five salaah, pray the last three Surahs of the Quran before you sleep every night. And when you feel you are having these bad thoughts, seek refuge with Allah(swt). Don't ruin your marriage through letting yourself become a slave to money and status, you will regret it.

    SisterZ Editor

  2. As salamu alaykum, anih,

    Thank you very much for sharing and opening your Heart.

    I can add the following, I want to congratulate you because your husband may not have a collar white job, but he himself is a collar white man.

    I am sure he is aware of your worries and your fears, of the look in your eyes when you don´t feel happy, and the way you tell him to improve. Change all of this and appreciate, respect and love him beyond limits, he is a straight husband and father, Alhamdulillah.

    I will tell you a story, I´ve seen many couples in my life, but there is that "something" that all of us look for and that it is not so easy to find, that "something" that is tested once and again through a life time together, that "something" that makes a couple of 70 years old that has been 45 years together, shine as sun, you can see how their eyes melt one in the other, and almost there is no need to talk, they know, I´ve seen that "something" mainly in people with almost no culture, that have been working hard all their life, having little money and really struggling to have food in the table many times, I´ve seen how thankful they are for being able to have the basic needs covered, to be healthy to work and give their best to their children and they are one for the other, they are back with back , you see what I don´t see and I see what you don´t see.
    They knew and they know, Alhamdulillah.

    The same way that you will learn to know and appreciate the jewels you have in your house, he is your King and you are his Queen, you are the Queen of your house and the King provides you with the best treasures he can get for you, Alhamdulillah, you are blessed with two daughters, that reminds you of the love that both of you share, Alhamdulillah.

    If you begin to think of yourself as the Queen you are and you begin to look at your husband as the King he is, you will certainly see a change in how you conceive your situation, insha´Allah.

    Show unconditional respect and genuine interest in your husband, show him the Love and Respect in your eyes, your words and your acts and you will see how your husband flourish, you can give him so much strength, just accepting who he is, have you ever put yourself in his skin?

    Be loving and respectful to your family, don´t worry about their attitudes, love them despite everything, be an example of straight behaviour and loving life, insha´Allah.

    Think about all the blessings that you have that cannot be bought with money, be thankful to Allah(swt), you have two little girls watching every single step you take closely, you are her role model, you have a responsibility towards them, if you teach them to appreciate the little big blessings, you will teach them to grow up in real values, insha´Allah.

    Say Alhamdulillah for everything and work in this life to have treasures in the next life, insha´Allah

    ****La Hawla wa la Quwatta illa Billah (There is no Might or Power except with Allah) a treasure from the treasures of Paradise

    ****SubhanAllahi 'l-`adheem wa biHamdihi (Glory be to Allah, The Supreme, and Praise Him)

    A palm tree is planted for the reciter in Paradise.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María Editor

  3. The advice I will give is using myself as an example.

    I am educated and my younger brother is not educated, but he is 100 times a better man than me. That education I have may have given me academic knowledge and better job opportunities. But it did not create the loving, friendly, gentle soul in me that my younger brother is. It is possible for the educated man to have all these attributes, but it does not in any shape, way or form make him better. Is there a more vile thing that a person thinking they are better than another? Which is ultimately what you family are thinking in regards to your husband.

    They say the uneducated should aspire to be be educated, that is right they should, but before aspiring to that, they should say every educated man should aspire to have the love, patience and kindness that is often more common amongst the less educated.

    You say you're ashamed of your husband, perhaps you should for one moment, think about the Prophet PBUH, in his time, he was not wealthy or educated, nor was he in the equivalent of a white collar job then, yet his first wife was so touched by his kindness and all the other praiseworthy attributes the Prophet had.

    Think of that and maybe then you can shut out these bad views which are so common in the modern world. No educated person should EVER look down on an uneducated person, if they do, then their education is worthless.

    Please be happy with your husband, he may not a high end job or hold a top qualification, but he has the best features of all it seems, the kind of features that will make him the one who is successful on the day of judgement, Insha'allah.

    You need to stop this thought of being ashamed of him, if you can't, you're betraying him and he deserves better, he deserves someone who is happy with him and never feels shame.

  4. I am in the same predicament as her husband. I have a diploma and I am a security guard acing supervisor, The job pays fairly well and I get plenty of time to spend at home with my wife and am hopfully getting the supervisor role soon. My wife is embarrased of what I do but only displays discontent when her family or family friends are around. If the discussion comes up, my wife never wants me to talk about what I do and wants me to stretch the truth to make the job sound more white collar. If we have guests coming over while I'm getting ready for work, my wife asks me to leave early or put on a jumper to cover the uniform.
    I feel so depressed when she acts like this. And the way she says it is hurtful. Her family is highly educated and in her country have all white coller jobs or own businesses. I'm sure they accept me for who I am but my wife does not. Why do muslim women marry uneducated western men for in the first place?

    • As salamu alaykum, brother,

      Please talk to her and let her know how much her attitude hurts you, you should solve this situation before your Heart gets too damaged. She should be conscious of how it is affecting her behaviour towards you. Healthy Communication will help to avoid future problems, insha´Allah.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María Editor

  5. I'm in a similar but different situation. My wife is a doctor and I'm highly educated as well. I have two masters degrees from two western universities. But I don't hold a good paying job like hers. My wife feels ashamed that she didn't marry a doctor like her so she can live the lifestyle she wants. Because of my financial insecurity and uncertainty, sometimes I act frugally. If she asked for 3 things and I got her 2 of them, she insults and swears and expresses it loudly that she feels ashamed of me. How about her money? She keeps it for herself. Despite the fact that we are immigrants, she always tells me I'm the breadwinner and she is not required to contribute financially. She always compares herself to other women, and me to her male workmates. I always feel humiliated and think I should leave this relationship, but we have two little daughters who would indeed suffer if we separated. Please give me your insights.
    Jazakum Allahu Khayran

    • Assalam alaikum,

      Your wife's actions are hurtful and mean. If she doesn't want to contribute to the household, she also MUST accept how you maintain the family. If she wants to live above and beyond that, she can always contribute. She should not be swearing and making you feel bad--that is wrong.

      Have a talk with her and tell her that you do not want this type of argument to continue. She married you, not someone else. Tell her that you will not tolerate her swearing and her attitude--she might have you in the marriage, but for the sake of the children--perhaps it will make her think.

      Besides, the other people she is comparing herself to, she has NO CLUE what sort of problems they face in the world and what their challenges are behind close doors--she might be a doctor, but her actions are not of a learned person.

      May Allah swt ease your problems.

Leave a Response