Delaying Nikkah Because of His Parents
Assalmu alikum,
I am a recent revert to Islam. When I was studying Islam, I met a pakistani guy in university and we eventually started to develop feelings for each other after being friends for a while. I was christian then and we started dating but after 2 years of researching Islam I decided to convert. We have been dating for 8 months, talked about marriage and both our families agreed to it. We were supposed to get engaged in 2 months and have the wedding in 12 months (couple of months before we graduate college) but now his parents are changing their minds. He is the youngest child of 5 and all had arranged marriages so they are feeling pressured to not make this into a scandal. They are now delaying the engagement to "sometime in the next 12 months but most likely in the summer" and the wedding until he has graduated, gotten a job within his field and saved up $10k. I also explained to him that we cannot get married anytime since my parents have to be there and have very busy work schedules. His parents have said that the wedding has to be in pakistan and that we need 2-3 weeks to have the wedding. The only time I can take out this much time is during the winter since I also work and will be starting my masters soon.
I am very upset with this situation because I feel that I have to cut all ties with him now until his parents will allow us to marry to avoid committing zina or being in a haram relationship. He currently works full time (not a professional job but he makes $40k a year which is a livable salary in the US) and pays mortgage on a house he joint owns with his brother. He is financially independent and so am I from my parents (I live near my university on my own). I have talked about having nikkah with engagement and wedding later on but he won't even talk to his parents about it because he says people will think badly if we've had nikkah & not living together because he has to provide for me but I don't need to be provided for! They are delaying the marriage an additional 2 years for no good reason since they like me and are ok with everything but his elder sisters want him to wait. I know technically we don't need his parents approval for nikkah, just mine, but he says he is doing what they want to make sure I am accepted properly into the family and to ensure my future happiness but I just feel like he is scared to speak frankly with his parents and doing whatever they want. Should I cut him off until he is ready to do nikkah?? I don't want to be taken advantage of!
ginny2015
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Wallaykumassalaam ginny 2015,
Alhamdulillah your situation has a lot of positives in it, so please keep your chin up sweetheart! His parents are amenable to you two marrying and are giving their blessing! How magnificent and fair Allah is. Also, from what you describe, I don't think their wanting to wait has anything to do with avoiding a "scandal." Rather, their plan, which includes their son graduating and getting a job, sounds reasonable enough, and for your own comfort in the long run.
More than anything, this will be a test of patience for you. So hang in there, cut ties with him temporarily, and occupy yourself with some other things in the meantime...do some reading, get some exercise, and indulge in a personal hobby. Twelve months will be over before you know it, and your marriage will Inshallah be forever.
Hugs,
Nor
OP: They are delaying the marriage an additional 2 years for no good reason since they like me and are ok with everything but his elder sisters want him to wait......They are now delaying the engagement to "sometime in the next 12 months but most likely in the summer" and the wedding until he has graduated, gotten a job within his field and saved up $10k.....We were supposed to get engaged in 2 months and have the wedding in 12 months (couple of months before we graduate college) but now his parents are changing their minds.
Seem to be just delaying tactics, so that you will go away. If you have already slept with him, your b/f will not care to marry you either.
Dear ginny 2015,
You sound like an astute young woman. I think you pretty much know what is going on here. You have answered your own questions.
His parents are delaying the marriage without a good reason. It is very common within the Muslim community to have the nikah with the wedding to follow some time later. So the fact they are delaying the nikah means they are hoping he will lose interest in you. Or that they are hoping to find another bride for him in order to persuade him to forget you. If they had any good intentions towards you they would have hastened the nikah so you two can meet without sin. As it is, you are dating which is haram.
He IS too scared to speak frankly with parents. What does this say about his character? He seems happy to date you which is forbidden, but is afraid to do the right thing which is marry you.
You must take some control back in this situation. Why should this family be permitted to play with your fate? Cut off ties with him. This will do one of two things. He will either step up and marry you on your terms or he will prove himself unworthy of you and leave you alone.
Do not allow yourself to be taken advantage of. You are new to Islam and this family should have loved you and accepted you. It is shameful how they have treated you by giving you false hope and making you feel less than you deserve.
I must say, his sisters sound very domineering. This is a warning sign. Read the stories on here about interfering sisters in law and you will know what I mean. These women will always make you feel inferior to their brother and to themselves.
Alhamdulillah you are a Muslim. Allah swt blessed you with His guidance. Leave this spineless man and his bigoted family. You deserve better. Allah has better things for you in store insha Allah.
Pls keep us posted on your situation. Stay blessed.
Prayerful sister