Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Depressed and angry sister

Controlling Mother

AOA!

I don't know where to start. I am a 30 year old medical resident in Pakistan. We are four sisters and a brother. My post is regarding my third sister who is a masters in math and a hafiza as well. None of us is married, but my youngest sister is engaged to our cousin. My sister seems to be in a state of constant depression, frustration and anger at the fact that she has never received any proposals and is not yet married unlike her friends and our other cousins.

She gets angry easily at little things and since we all are of marriageable age this topic comes up frequently. Infact, all three of us sisters are above 25 years of age and in a way almost crossed the age for marriage in Pakistan and are late contenders.

I try to explain to my sister to have sabr and develop her interests and hobbies and divert her mind but all in vain.

Her anger has reached such an extent tht it is impossible to have a normal conversation with her without making her angry. Please advice.

doc toddler

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5 Responses »

  1. She may be going through a grieving process. I don't know how old she is, but I agree that amongst Pakistanis it is difficult to get married after age 30. She may need time to process and accept (for now) that marriage and motherhood may not be on the horizon. You have a healthy attitude and that is great. For some women, they feel that loss more acutely.

    Perhaps, she needs a significant life change in order to divert her mind from this issue. Can you help her with that? A new job, a new job in another city, a makeover - some of these things may help.

  2. Asalamalekum Sister,

    I am a male 29 who recently got married in pakistan, but i live in states. I was in a similar position a while back, because after certain age a human needs a love, affection from his or her spouse. That is just a normal behavior, and everyone starts to have those thoughts if they are not married.

    I think it is great that you guys a educated and studying, but are your parents in a hurry to get you guys married? or are they still looking for perfect match? if they are not doing anything, than you guys should. My family didn't care about my marriage, no one really cares. But i knew i had to do something and i started being proactive, and ended getting a rishta through my brother in law.

    Try online matrimony websites like shaadi.com. I was on there for a while, and i thought it was quite helpful.

  3. What do you hope to happen? That one day some prince will send a proposal magically? All of you need to make some kind of effort or perhaps consider polygamy or marrying a divorced man. Maybe get your parents to sighn up on matrimonial websites on your sisters behalf. To a good pious man beauty and age wont matter as long as you have deen. Keep praying for a proposal and doing everything in your power to find a suitable man.

  4. Asalam o alaikum Sister.
    Your sister’s problem is very normal and common in our culture. As we are tought that the only reason for a woman to live is to marry. You first of take her to a quite place and tell her that she is complete without a husband. Why does she need someone to push her around coz believe me! Life after marriage isn’t a happily ever after you know. There are tons of other issues and problems. If her anger is this way right now, do you really think that she can go on in a Pakistani "sasural"? Besides it seems like she is fed up with her current life, what happens when she gets bored from her marital life? Please you have to address all these psycological issues aswell...
    Tell her to pray to Allah to give her peace and happiness. What is in her fate will reach her definately and whats not, she can never get. Pray five times a day, love herself, get a job or try for a better one. I myself always say that even a cow can give birth and every woman can cook,clean and lay with her husband but what I can do (ie. Double masters+ teach + paint + electro geek etc) can only be done by few women Alhamdulliah. So try to make her understand that she doesn’t need a man to hold her, she is standing on her feet, besides some men only contribute in breaking a woman further.
    And our brother or sister jabroni is right! You all should make efforts yourselves and try to find someone online maybe. You just need a good man it doesnt matter if he was married once or else.

    إِنِّيْ أَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْهَمِّ وَالْحُزْنِ
    وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْعَجْزِ وَ الْكَسَلِ
    وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ 
    وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِن غَلَبَةِ الدَّيْنِ وَقَهْرِ الرِّجَالِ.

    La ilaha illa Allah Al-’Azim, Al-’Alim, la ilaha illa Allah, Rabbul ‘arshil ‘Azim, la ilaha illa Allahu, Rabbus-Samawati wa rabbul ardi wa rabbul ‘arshi karim

    Ya Hayyu, ya Qayyumu, bi-rahmatika astaghithu 

    ‘Allahumma rahmataka arju, fala takilni ila nafsi tarfata ‘ain, wa aslah li sha’ni kullahu, la ilaha illa anta

    ‘Allah, Allah, Rabbi la ushriku bihi shai’an 

    La ilaha illa anta, subhanaka, inni kuntu minadh-dhalimin

    للّهُـمَّ إِنِّي عَبْـدُكَ ابْنُ عَبْـدِكَ ابْنُ أَمَتِـكَ نَاصِيَتِي بِيَـدِكَ، مَاضٍ فِيَّ حُكْمُكَ، عَدْلٌ فِيَّ قَضَاؤكَ أَسْأَلُـكَ بِكُلِّ اسْمٍ هُوَ لَكَ سَمَّـيْتَ بِهِ نَفْسَكَ أِوْ أَنْزَلْتَـهُ فِي كِتَابِكَ، أَوْ عَلَّمْـتَهُ أَحَداً مِنْ خَلْقِـكَ أَوِ اسْتَـأْثَرْتَ بِهِ فِي عِلْمِ الغَيْـبِ عِنْـدَكَ أَنْ تَجْـعَلَ القُرْآنَ رَبِيـعَ
    قَلْبِـي، وَنورَ صَـدْرِي وجَلَاءَ حُـزْنِي وذَهَابَ هَمِّـي

    Tell her to recite these duas for the peace of heart. try to highten her self esteem. Keep her calm and hazrat Ayesha said that we should try to keep ourselves happy. May Allah grant you all with happiness, peace of mind and prosperity ameen. Wasalam.

  5. Sometimes, people need space.

    Maybe when you too are alone, say " sister, iv noticed you have been very angry and depressed lately and you are just not your regular happy self, I love you and care about you, and if there is anything I can do to help you or if you wNt to talk about it....I am here for you" . If she is not ready to talk, that's fine, but atleast she knows you are there for her.

    Hug her, be kind to her, she is going through something. You cannot save people if they don't open up to you, but just be there to listen when she is.

    And I agree with above poster, if it marriage....no marriage magic will happen if you or your parents don't try to help you. You don't meet people because it just happens out of the blue. You have to let your community know or look online at matrimonial websites and meet them in person as soon as possible so it's not just son online relationship.

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