Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Depressed due to my physical health condition

Assalaamu alaikum

I am a 26 year old woman and have been married for 5 months. For quite a while now I have noticed that my walking is difficult and different to everyone else. I went to a doctor who told be to just exercise and come back if it got any worse. Basically, I have now found out I may have a muscular condition that causes progressive deterioration and weakness to the point that I may end up in a wheel-chair and dependent.

Obviously, this is very difficult for me to deal with as I have always been very independent and I have become very depressed, crying every day all day when my husband is at work and even at night when we are lying in bed. It has become difficult for me to pray, read Quran or think of Allah as whenever I do I just start crying again at how unfair it is that my entire family and friends are healthy and well whereas I have this severe condition.

Mostly, I am worried for my husband and don't want him to have to deal with a progressively weakening wife and the impact it will have on having and raising children.

I have discussed it with my husband who has been very understanding and we have agreed to wait for the diagnosis and then decide whether we can continue together or divorce as I should really have discussed the possibility of having this condition before marriage whereas now he is involved in a marriage in which I have a condition he was not aware of when deciding.

I am lucky that I have a very supportive family but I am still very depressed and constantly crying at the fact I may have this. I get even more upset when I read all the advice on keeping strong in Islam because although it keeps saying Allah only burdens His people with that which they can handle, I don't feel I can handle this at all and if I get a positive diagnosis feel I'm most likely to lock myself away and refuse to see or talk to my friends or family because I don't want to have to deal with their pity.

I would appreciate any advice from someone who has gone through something similar and the prayers of everyone that the tests come back clear, or that if they are positive I can continue to be strong in my deen and live my life in happiness.

Thank you

Morghiana

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14 Responses »

  1. My dear sister,

    I will be praying for the best outcome for you in regards to your health, but one thing disturbs me in your post. You speak of divorce if you become progressively worse...why? In a marriage, each person should be there for the other through thick and thin...period. When you are ill is when you need your partner so to speak. Just because you become ill is no reason for your husband to divorce...on the contrary, he should be your rock to help you through this.

    May Allah give you strength and heal you...amin.

    Salam

  2. As salamu alaykum,

    Be brave, wash your tears and talk to Allah(swt) in first person about all your struggles, insha´Allah, you will find comfort, guidance and Peace through Him(swt).

    Learn about your condition and do all that is in your hand to improve it, diet( be aware of food allergies or intolerances that can cause this kind of conditions), exercise, alternative options(acupuncture, massage, ...), don´t give up and if you need help ask for it, from your courage to want to improve and be better everyday, don´t hide, you are a young, strong woman and insha´Allah, many people around you will learn about your attitude in this life test.

    Dream about improving, fight for getting the best out of this life, fight for what you have and what you insha´Allah deserve.

    To be Joyful and Peaceful is a blessing, we can look for it and long for it but to get it we have to do our homework, life is full of tests and this gives us ups and downs, through this we are trained to appreciate the blessings and be thankful for them, if we keep doing our best in the ups (salat, prayers,...) when the downs comes insha´Allah will be easier for us not to give up in our blessed duties and this will help us to attain Peace inside of a storm and to be able to open ourselves to Allah(swt) guidance inside of the hardest moments of our life. Allah(swt) bless us with the gift of praising Him, but we have to be open eyes that this is a gift and be thankful for it, then my sister if you have it, keep it as the biggest of the treasures and if you feel you are weak, ask for the strength you need to get closer to Him(swt) again, He is the All-Hearing.

    Some food (dairys and gluten cereals, specially) if we are intolerant or allergic to them can affect the inmunitary system, the respiratory system, the skyn, the dygestive system, the joints, provoke reuthmatic crisis and many other modern sicknesses, can you investigate this? You can talk to your doctor about allergies and/or intolerances to food that can provoke this kind of conditions, there is a simple blood test that will tell you about it and insha´Allah, taking care of your diet will improve your condition if not correct it completely after a while.

    There is a simple exercise you can do to test how you feel with food, write on a notebook all that you eat and the time you eat it, and how you feel and the times you feel better or worse. After a week you can check if there is some pattern that keeps repeating, if it does, test that specially, be a couple of days without eating that what you think cause you problems and add a little after those days, see how it affects you.

    In general, to reduce the intake of sugar and salt it is always a good choice and all the food that contains it in huge quantities, specially sodas, sweets, salty snacks and increase the intake of natural fruit, vegetables juices, casseroles, good spoon food. Fresh fish if available, good quality animal protein but don´t abuse, little quantities everyday plenty of vegetables. I cannot give you more tips because I think that you need to have that test done to go for sure and improve your condition avoiding at the begining what is causing you the biggest reaction right now. Insha´Allah, Talk to your doctor and ask him to investigate and guide you about it, please.

    Remember this:

    And [remember] Job, when he cried out to his Sustainer, "affliction has befallen me: but Thou art the most merciful of the merciful!" Whereupon We responded upon him and removed all the affliction from which he suffered; and We gave him his family, doubling their number as an act of grace from Us, and as a reminder unto all who worship Us.
    Qur'an 21:83-84

    Sister, go for it, learn the lesson and Insha´Allah improve your condition.
    Allah(swt) knows best.
    Wasalam,
    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Aww please consult medical doctor(esp. Neurologist) coz ur health condition may be threatable with drugs.be strong in ur faith

  4. AA Sister;

    May Allah give you health and you clear out with nothing Inshallah.

    I have not been through this, but all I can say sister that this is a test. And the more Iman you have inshallah the harder the test will be. It is all hasanat for you inshallah. Just please be patient, and be thankful. Who knows it would have been something worse. And do nto feel pity from your friends and family. they are (and we all are) there for your help inshallah. That's what we do as Muslims: we care and take care of each other.

    Please stay strong sister I pray for Allah to keep your faith inshallah.

    May ALLAH guide us, grant us patience, and shower us with his mercy.

    If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me. Allah knows best.

    AA

  5. Dear Sister suffering in Islam,

    Aslaam Walaykum warahmatuallahi wa barakutuhu:

    Please follow what ever is the practical solution (such as seeing a specialist about your condition).

    Then, at the same time, pray to Allah for help. I have been through some difficulty before too, and I was always praying that Allah will heal me, I had neglected the fact that medical intervention was necessary for me to relieve the pain, so I only prayed and prayed. Since we are not in Jannah (yet!), we have to be practical about our selves and seek medical help immediately, while also seeking Allah's help as well.

    Here's a link to a small dua book that you can use, InshAllah. Also, try praying on zamzam water and drinking it, DO NOT underestimate the power of dua before drinking zamzam water. I hope you have access to it in your area.

    Here is the link for everyone and anyone, I really hope it helps you, InshAllah:

    https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BxipppsWl7hXVVFKNjZjMTZUZTJ3b1VidDBLTEJOQQ

    Good Luck and Feel free to ask any questions, Wallahi the duas from the Quran mentioned in the book have changed my life, strengthened my iman! I hope it does the same for you.

    Barak Allah Feekum.

    MuslimBro

  6. Salaams,

    I work with various individuals who have chronic and/or serious medical conditions for a living. There has been much research done to show that no matter what kind of condition one may have, chronic or lifelong conditions tend to lead to increased symptoms of depression, stress, and anxiety. It has also been shown that effectively managing the emotional symptoms also reduce exacerbations of the physical symptoms (ie: weakness, physical pain, fatigue, etc). In essence, keeping your body healthy if it's sick helps your mind and emotions stay healthy; and taking care of your emotions and mentality while you're sick helps your body take care of itself better. It truly is a symbiotic relationship between body and soul.

    As advised above, make sure that you are seeing the correct doctors and staying compliant with any treatment plans they give you whether or not they come to a diagnosis soon. Like sister Maria mentioned, eating healthy and whole foods and staying away from anything that seems agitating to you will help immensely as well. In addition to this, as much as you are able to try to keep your body active, even if it is only moving certain parts of your body that are not giving you trouble. It will also help both your body and mind to learn some relaxation and/or stretching techniques to use when you start to worry about your health or when you feel stiff.

    It is vital that you try to build a support group to help you through whatever may come. Rely on the support of family and friends who truly care about you when you need it and don't feel ashamed. I would also suggest looking for a support group of others with the same diagnosis as yours (once you find out what it is) and getting involved with that. I can't tell you how much it helps to be with others who are going through the same thing as you, and some who have learned to live successful and productive lives in spite of their health. If you feel that your health factors are too overwhelming to deal with even with these resources or you are having a harder time doing the things you used to do or coping (and it seems like that may already be the case), I would strongly suggest seeking out a counselor to help you as well.

    Finally, I urge you and your husband to strongly consider not looking at divorce as an option. The majority of the time a spouse gets ill after several years of marriage, and this is not a recommended grounds for divorce. Most medical conditions are not present when we marry at a young age, but they creep up on us later. If you lose your spouse, who is arguably your strongest support through this, it will have an adverse on both your physical and emotional wellbeing and could make your prognosis worse. I know it is difficult for one spouse to completely depend on another, or for the other to assume all care of the household, but it is done everyday by others and most would rather do this than lose the one they love. I've worked with many people who have cancer, chronic pain, lupus, multiple sclerosis, and other diseases and most of them say that their marriage is stronger for what they are facing together as a couple. If it was your husband who was in this predicament and not you, would you not feel that way about him?

    I sincerely hope that they find out what is causing your troubles. I have heard from people who are having terrible pain and other problems and doctors are not able to find out the cause, and this seems harder than knowing what the cause is and how it can be treated. I also hope that whatever the cause, it's not the worse case scenario Insha'Allah.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Mashalllah, Sister Amy you have described what I need (and should have done) for myself as well as what Sister Morghiana should do.

      Dear Sister Morghiana, do not lose hope. I have been through severe migraines ever since 2004. I just didn't know they were migraines, I though they were just headaches from school stress. It wasn't until 2012 that I realized I needed a surgery on my jaw joints to make the migraines go away. For almost 8 years I suffered terrible migraines, there were times where I was literally on the floor in the fetal position, crying in pain, with all the lights off, because a single bright light would shoot needles into my brain. I went to the ER last December because I delayed the surgery. Alhamdulillah, with support from friends and family, and most of all, support from the best of Helpers, Allah Subhana wata'allah, I finally got the surgery I needed on Feb. 15th, 2012 (just 12 days ago). Mashallah you would not believe the difference I am feeling now. Sure there is post-surgical pain, but the migraines, Alhamdulillah! Are gone!

      If you need some help fundraising for costs, there are tons of websites out there whom you can (or some one can) Create a fundraising page for you where people can donate, you have to use your online social connections. Please let me know if you need help in this arena because I needed help financially, and ALHAMDULILLAH! people donated at least half the costs to the hospital when I have no insurance, no job and cannot even work because of the pain, and cannot even study.

      I want to give you hope, inshAllah, never lose faith in Allah.

      Recite the best name of Allah "Ya Muta Ali" Repeatedly for troubles. There are more if you need them. Please let me know if you downloaded the dua book, there are many duas in there for Shifa.

      May Allah give you patience and persevereance, and May Allah strengthen your marriage and faith out of this experience, Ameen Ya Rabb al Alameen.

      MuslimBro

  7. Peace be to youand mercy and blessing.

    If both or one of your parents is alive, then be kind to them, and then ask them to make du'â to Allâh for you that he restores your health, wallâhi this is your best chance of getting your health back to its pinnicle, rather even better than you have ever felt.
    Because the du'â of the parents produces miracles, al-Imâm ash-Shaykh al-Hadîth Muhammad Ibn Ismâ'îl Ibn Ibrâhîm al-Bardizbî Bukhârî, the compiler of the second most authentic book after the kitâb was blind as a young boy, and he regained his eye's because his mother made du'â for him to Allâh.
    likewise al-Imâm Muhammad Ibn Idrîs al-Shâfi'î gained an incredibly powerfull memory as a result of his parents du'â and many other examples.

    The prophet[saww] gave glad tidings to an individual from amongst his followers who has never seen him, and his name was Uwais Ibn 'Âmir al-Murâdî al-Qarnî al-yemenî and commanded the best of the companions, Abû Bakr, 'Umar 'Alî to ask this man [non-Sahâbî] to make du'â for them.

    So during the caliphate of 'Umar [may Allâh be pleased with him], whenever a group of people came from yemen for hajj or 'Umrah, 'Umar would go shouting/running aloud to them "is there amongst you a man named Uwais Ibn 'Âmir" and he would repeat this, untill some of the men said they knew him, but were not sure why the leader of all muslims was so eager to meet this Uwais, as he was no more than just poor man, low wordly status with un ironed/stained clothes, milking the goats for them, so they directed 'Umar to Uwais.

    when he finally met him, and greeted him with the muslim greeting he asked
    "are you Uwais the son of 'Âmir?"
    Uwais: indeed i am
    Umar: from the sub-tribe of Murâd?
    Uwais: that's right
    Umar :then from the tribe of Qarn?
    Uwais: yes
    Umar: Did you have leprocy, and then Allâh cured you of it until there was only the size of a coin left of it?
    Uwais: that's right
    Umar: did you have a mother that you were dutifull to, so much so that if you were to take an oath by Allâh, he would answer your du'a?Uwais: suprisingly answered positive

    Umar then said "ask Allâh to forgive me, for i swear by Allâh, i heard the messenger of Allâh say that there is a man from my nation Uwais ibn 'Âmir will come to you with the delegations from Yemen, from Muraad, then from Qaran. He was once afflicted with leprosy and his skin healed except for a dirham’s area. He has a mother, and he treats her kindly. If he was to ever swear by Allah (for something) Allah would fulfill his oath. If you can, request that he ask forgiveness for you."
    narration found in muslim

    Thus is the result of goodness to parents.

  8. Salaam,

    There is no need to worry about something that has happened yet.

    Youre husband may well be able to deal with this test... we are only burdened with what we can bear.

    Situations change - for all of us, so your marriage is valid and there is no grounds for him or excuse to divorce... he could end up in a car accident today and lose his legs - would you divorce him?

    worst case scenario - you could support him to marry a second wife.

    May Allah help you.

  9. Salaam sister

    Insha Allah you find the health, wisdom and strength to go through the days and make the most of them.

    I had been having upper respiratory tract problems to the point that I was relying on medication daily and could not do alot of things. At that point I guess I didn't see it as a problem so it didn't matter but towards the end of my studies at University I reached the point where I had to go to hospital each night and wait for IV meds. I had no money so I was placed on the Health Board surgery list. I had to wait for seven months before I had my surgery. During those seven months I had to beg for people to provide me with transport to go to another hospital for clinics to be monitored. But considering that I had had the problem all my life until that point seven months is a pretty short time ah?

    On another note, the past three years I have been complaining to my building manager where I live that there is a gas leak in my room. She didnt take me seriously until it got so bad that I had to evacuate in the middle of the night just two days ago straight after work! I had not had any sleep for more thn 24 hours, no shower, no food and was dead beat tired. I finally got my father to drive all the way fom outside the city to come pick me up. I said to him "Its one thing after another (you see despite having a medical degree I can not find a job and neither can I find a suitable guy for marriage and am 33 now, anyway thats another story). I have had enough. This life is not worth living."

    Do you know what my father replied? He said, "Instead why dont you thank Allah swt that even after three years exposure you have come out of it alive to talk about it?" You see the winters in our country can go below freezing point sometimes and a winter not so long ago three people (family) died from exposure to fumes from their gas heater.

    Only Allah subhaan wa tallah knows the outcome of your situationor well mine for that matter. Every day for you will be different from the one before or the one after but each day you will have "Now" so please make the most of that "Now". As for me tomorrow I am going to hunt for legal aid lawyers and for you I hope my story brings one "tiniest littlest small" smile to you.

    Jazakallah.

    • You've been through a lot, Salma. Don't give up, keep trying to find work, and file a complaint with the city against your building manager (and look for a better building). Things will get better, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Dear Sister Salma,

      Allah is capable of all things, so if people say "Can it get any worse?" out of despair and lost hope, then guess what? It DOES get worse! Because Allah (swt) is capable of making it worse AND better, it is no wonder that we must remember Him in a positive manner, and have good hopes with Allah so that He may forgive us and have mercy on us.

      I hope your situation improves and so does sister Morghiana's situation as well.

      Ameen.

      • I forgot to mention this dua to you:

        http://quran.com/42/19

        "Allahu lateefun biAAibadihiyarzuqu man yashao wahuwa alqawiyyu alAAazeez"

        "Allah is Subtle with His servants; He gives provisions to whom He wills. And He is the Powerful, the Exalted in Might."

        This is the dua that helped me get funding for a surgery that I just had. Never lose hope in Allah, instead, Increase your Iman with every difficulty.

        I pray that you find employment soon, inshAllah!

        MuslimBro

  10. asalamalykum i have got a health condition called m.e. or chronic fatigue syndrome and this is weakness on an extreme scale daily amoungst otha symptoms try waching the secret dvd going on the lightning process course which helps with sik pple to become well in all conditions with the will of allahswt watch frida the movie with salma heyek in its about how she was sik the docs told her shes never walk again but she did also try eft if u write all of this down and try it all aswell as prey then inshallah you will have alot of support inshallah iv done all this and i have improved from being unable to walk and talk with a kamode in room and carers to no carers a husband and am doing light meals and short walks doctor said id never get well theres no cure i know our conditions arnt the same but the mind is your biggest tool also allah its all you have got and the secret dvd will explain this mayb not the part about money as you willl see for yourself but read the lightning process testimonials on net and ring up for a consultaion phyk -k is another powerful tool i will keep you in my prayers as i am in same sitiuation with husband he wanting another wife as im not 100 percent he said he didnt understand my condition before marrage although i told him but allah will help me and whateva happens is the will of allah swt you can not change and its for a reason plz reply to this message so i know uv got it lv maryam xxxx

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