Depressed Married Life
As Slaam alaikum,
I have been married for 7 years Alhamdulillah and have 2 beautiful kids. Its a perfect family with no interference from any other family members from either sides and we stay at beautiful beach apartment in Dubai.
I provided her house maid and made sure that she gets everything she needs at home.
Though we have everything stable in our lives, I do not have the peace of mind when i am with my wife.
I believe, she has a feminist attitude towards the life, everything i ask her to do or deny any thing which i believe is inappropriate; she gets mad and starts screaming at me. for instance she wanted to start an online networking business for which i stated her to do isteqara and then i will do the initial investment.
No isteqara done and started the business which didn't go well as expected and she insists me to continue investing money in buying products, in which i stay firm by my decision of not investing anymore. More worst affected are my kids, as she is glued to her I-pad all day and kids are being ignored, elder son is 5 years old and he is left watching cartoons all day till i get back home at 6 in evening. After work I get completely involved with my kids playing till they sleep in my arms.
When i tell her to quit this online networking business, she gets mad accusing me of being dominant and shows lot of disrespect, by taunting and sarcasm.
Basically, she always proclaims that she is tired of taking care of kids and she says (also her mother) our kids are hyperactive and we need to consult a psychiatric pediatrician for my 5 year old, as he doesn't listen to anything she says, and throws stuff at home and other kind of kids stubbornness, at times he urinates in the corner of living room for no reason, and gets lot of beating from his mom; but on other side he is very obedient and a best son while he is with me.
My observation is, my son needs real attention not just cartoons and a game tablet to spend his day, which my wife doesn't seem to understand, she gets negative influence from her mother that my son needs a psychiatrist and he is suffering from attention deficit hyperactive disorder, which in my belief is most required for our relation is "How to do parenting" consultation, however; my wife accuses me of being ignorant and doesn't want to consult a parenting consultant.
Now, she wants to work as a primary school teacher and literally commands me to take care of kids while she is going out to earn for her life, and she wants to get back her freedom and spend all her earning on herself. she uses harsh words which literally breaks me down and i lose my temper, which is the beginning of the fights causing differences of opinion and overheated arguments. We dont talk for weeks or months after a fight; and just live like strangers at home...
My primary concern is, my kids are living in an unhealthy environment, and at the same time i just cant take the taunting's anymore, makes me depressed and introvert.
I have lost the essence of my life feel depressed, lost the sense of humor in my life and i dont meet my friends for months and definitely feel no attraction or intimacy towards my wife.
Recently, we had a fight and she complained to her mother about it and my Mother in-law instantly called my mom and took the decision to get divorced and keep my 2 year old daughter with her and wants me to take care of my son as they cannot take care of him anymore.
Please help me with an Islamic way of handling my married life, and I am convinced that divorce is not the answer as it will destroy my kids future.
Note: My previous post on this website was almost 5 years ago while, we were living in Makkah and we had a series of similar fights and we ended up at the divorce courts, but Alhamdulillah the counselling brought us together.
Thanking you in anticipation
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Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu
It was narrated that Sa’d Ibn Abi Waqqas said: The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said: “There are four things that are essential for happiness: a righteous wife, a spacious home, a good neighbour and a sound means of transportation. And there are four things that make one miserable: a bad neighbour, a bad wife, a small house and a bad means of transportation.” [Narrated by Ibn Hibban in al-Saheehah (1232)]
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. (Ar-Rum 30:21)
- if your marriage is not bringing you comfort, you can’t stay with that person
Abu Hurayrah (RA) narrated: It was said: O Messenger of Allah, which of women is best? He said: “The one who when he looks at her he is happy and she obeys him when he commands her, and does not go against his wishes with regard to herself or his wealth by doing what he dislikes.” [Narrated by Ahmad (2/251), Ibn Majah (1/595)]
- Allah told you in the Qu’ran the purpose of your marriage is to bring you comfort
- your marriage either makes you or breaks you
- people who live in these marriages that
-are not working have nervous breakdowns
- marriage is a contract
DIVORCE
-it is not shameful
-even the Sahabahs got divorced
-if your marriage is not working out, you should move on
-marriage is by contract like other contracts so it can be broken
Nushooz is translated as 'marital discord'
-Literal meaning is "to elevate"
-the woman elevates herself in the home, above her husband
-the technical meaning: marital discord between the husband and the wife
They call FEMINISM the 'empowerment of women'
-women therefore, are rebellious
-they are fools, ending up in divorce;
-wise women find pious men and submit to them
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great. (An-Nisa 4:34)
سلام علیکم my brother in Islam I am sorry that you are having a difficult married life. even though you said there's no interference from other people but it seems like your mother-in-law is interfering in your marriage. I am sorry to say that Your wife is being immature and does not understands her responsibilities as a wife in a mother. it also seems like you too are totally different people. Her ideas of living is different than yours. And you two are not compatible with each other that's why you guys are having so many problems. And it also looks like your wife does not want to compromise. it could be because your wife knows that you will never leave her she is taking that as you're weakness. Now brother you should seriously think about it do you want to live for the rest of your life like this and do you want your children to grow up in a dysfunctional home. I know you tried to protect your children from a broken home. I'm sorry to say brother but sometime marriages do not work out it seems like all the effort is only from you your wife does not put her effort to make her marriage work. And there is saying you cannot clap with one hand the same goes about marriage you cannot have a successful marriage by one partner trying their best and the other one living in their La La Land. you should give your wife an ultimatum that she should sword herself out or else you'll leave her .Or if you could send her to her family so she could live there for a while until she knows what she want in her life you and your children or she wants to live in Her Fantasy . brother stop playing game with her be very serious about it hopefully inshallah she'll come to her senses. I pray for you brother and you're innocent children.Allah take away your hardship and give you peace and happiness in life. I hope you could read my writing cuz English is not my first language. سلام علیکم
In your whole conversation you did not mentioned once that you love your wife. First you two need to spend some time together n talk. U guys need to find out whether u 2 love each other n want to spend life with each other. Seems like as if there is no love between u 2. U just talked about ur kids only. U didnt mention what u r doing with her. U Come home spend time with kids but it is not clear whether u spend time with her. She is not in your priority list anywhere except that u have provided her with a maid. She is a feminist. May be she finds you a male chauvinist. It is suggested that both of u need to work on ur weaknesses in order to make this relationship work in harmony.
Her mother might be interrupting because she is sharing everything with her & they have become best friends whereas ideally speaking it should have been you two! But u r not even talking to each other. Love & Intimacy r missing.
Give some quality time to her n respect her views. Make her feel the queen of your heart n then politely help her in business by assisting her not leading her.
Don't break ur house just because of few petty disagreements. Give her love n stop living as perfect strangers for the sake of your children. U want to make it work that's why u wrote here. Life is an examination & nothing is perfect. U may get a 2nd wife but there's no replacement for a mother. Is it? Can you replace your mother?
Sahih Muslim 1469
Abu Huraira reported: the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "A believer should not despise a believing woman. If he finds something in her character he dislikes, he will be pleased by something else."