Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Depression and Anxiety due to sexual abuse by father, brother and cousin

pain hurt

I have suffered from depression for many years, ever since i was a child. My father, brother and cousin sexually abused from the ages 6-14. My mother was aware of this, instead of protecting me she hated me because of what happened. She bullied me and turned my other siblings against me. I always felt like i never belonged in my family, like everything that happened was my fault. I have tried many times to move on, tried to forgive and forget the past. I turned to religion, and Allah has kept me going. I have felt suicidle, suffering from depression and anxiety for as long as i could remember, im not getting any support from my family.

I don't want to feel angry with my mother for not being there for me. She was very emotionally and physically abusive, she was also present on one occasion when my father sexually abused me at the age of 6. I can never forgive her for that.

I had a breakdown i struggled to cope with my children. I was married of at the age of 15 to my cousin. I was not mentally and emotionally ready for this. I tried my best to be a good wife, but he took advantage of my good nature and wanting to please Allah. I stuck by him for 20 years, he hit me, stole from me, lied and cheated on me. I tried do the right thing by my kids and Allah.

I want to know what are children's rights in islam? My mother makes me feel like im a bad person, she tells me that my children will treat me bad because of mine and her relationship. I love my mum, but i felt she should have protected me. I am 30 now and in therapy, i am slowly, painfully getting better, but i struggle every day. I struggle to cope with my kids, my husband and i seperated.

I don't want to speak to my parents, i hardly see my family. I'm trying to heal, but they don't understand that. I often feel guilty about not speaking to my parents, and not being the Allah says we should.

My anxiety gets so bad at times i cant even leave the house. My father often rings feeling guilt because of what hes done in past, and makes my mother speak to me, she only does because he makes her. But she dislikes the fact that he does. I will never have that relationship with my mother that I want. Allah says heaven is at the mothers feet, she has this hold over me that makes me feel guilty. She tells my children will treat me badly, and theyre the ones keeping me going. I am alone and feel so isolated, pls pray for me.

~sana888

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25 Responses »

  1. ASSALAMALIKUM'
    VERY SORRY TO HEAR YR STORY
    IT IS OUT OF THE WORLD TYPE AND VERY HURT AND ALSO DURPRISED WITH THAT FEELING YOU HAVE Allah says heaven is at the mothers feet, she has this hold over me that makes me feel guilty.

    SORRY TO SAY THESE TYPE OF MOTHERS ARE NOT REFERED BY THAT SAYING AS THIS IS FOR THOSE WHO ARE MOTHERS OF ISLAMIC FOLLOWING NATURE NOT OTHERWISE-
    ANY PROSTITUTE/ANY WRONG THINKING MOTHER-WRONG DOING -WRONG TREATMENT TO CHILDREN OR WRONG PRACTICING -MOTHER IS NOT AT ALL IN THIS CATEGORY .

    WITH THE KIND CONSENT OF THE ORGANISERS MANY OTHER WOMEN HAVE JOINED MY PAGE
    https://www.facebook.com/BLISSOFREMARRIAGE?ref=hl
    IN FACE BOOK PL JOIN MAY BE YOU WILL FIND SOME SOLACE WITH OTHERS WHO ARE LIKE YOU IN THIS WORLD-
    STICK TO ALLAH AND HIS DEEN MORE STRONGLY TO FACE THIS WORLD DEAR sana888.... MAY ALLAH GRANT YOU JANNAH FOR THE TROUBLES YOU HAVE FACED .....
    REGARDS
    ALI YOUSUFF

    • Jazak Allahu khairan for this reply. it gives me peace and some understanding about this confusing subject ! I just do not know what to do when I see a fatwa saying it is so haram to cut family ties and that the person who cuts ties with a family member is cursed by Allah !!! And then, I don't have the strength to keep ties with abusers..... But I don't want Allah to curse me. It is very hard..... I wish there was more information that could help me to know what I should do, - Safia

  2. Pls dont worry Allah is very rehmaan and i feel even allah i feeling unhappy that he has nt helped u

    • Assalamualaikum Warhamtullahi Wabarakaatuhu

      Brother Iqbal ,

      May this message reach you in the best state of Emaan and Health.

      Brother I think I read it wrong about you saying you are not happy with ALLAH not helping this sister.
      I sincerely hope I did read it wrong , cuz brother What you have uttered might have taken you out of Islam. I fear to say it but as your brother in Islam I cannot just leave , because I love for you what I love for me.

      Allah says in the Qur;an and from the many Hadeeth from our prophet (peace be upon him) that is is binding for ALLAH to help his slaves , even though Allah is far from any needs and bonds .

      My Rabb and Your Rabb is not blind nor dead , He is the One who regulates every single thing in the heavens and earth.

      Brother I know you did not mean it in that way , but Subhana Allah if those words were placed in a mountain or even in the sky they would have shattered or be powdered to dust.

      Recite the Sahada brother just in case and ask Allah to forgive you , for who can forgive sins if not him.

      I am sorry if my words were a bit harsh , or my tone , my intention was neither.

      The sinful slave of the LOVING RABB

  3. Assalam'alaykum,

    Its really heartbreaking to read your post. I feel sorry for you and I envy your patience. Its really physically and emotionally draining to be abused sexually or otherwise by your own family members. There acts and behaviors are terribly disgusting and unacceptable. Know that for every sufferings and pains you're facing by your situation, Allah is greatly rewarding you for being patient.

    "These will be given their reward twice over, because they are patient, and repel evil with good, and spend out of what We have provided them. " (28:54)

    "Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning." (39:10)

    Sulayman ibn Qasim said, “the reward of every deed is known, except for the reward of patience which will be like heavy rain.”

    For every hardship we face in life, it can be regarded as a tests by Allah. As He promised to test every soul but Allah will not make it too difficult for us and also Allah promised that there will be ease after hardship.

    “Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: “We believe,” and will not be tested?” (Qur’an, 29:2 )

    “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286 )

    “Verily, with hardship there is relief.” (94:6)

    Therefore sister, if you need to make new decisions to improve your situation, then do it.
    Since obviously it is not pleasant to be near or around your family as past incidents would come fresh to mind, It would be ideal if you stay far away from them. There would insha'Allah be no fault on you if you dramatically reduce your calls and visits to your family. They sinned and so Allah is going to serve justice. Yes, you obeyed your parents, but there is a limit. I'm not in anyway saying that you should cease relationship with them but be good and nice to them IF you talk or visit them and ignore their bad talks if any. For you will also be rewarded in this case. Receiving reward is a necessary for every muslims as it will weigh more our good deeds, thus giving us more chance to enter paradise which is free from any discomfort and full of pleasure.

    Regarding your husband who is another crazy evil man, by your description, he stoled from you, cheated you, lied to you, abused you etc, its a great decision by you to seperate from him ( I hope you mean divorce ). He don't deserve you, you deserve someone better and insha'Allah Allah is going to give you just that. He will be punished to by Allah for his injustice and oppressive behavior.

    About you kids, well I guess your ex-husband has to finance them no matter what and if you wish. They stay with you though. Do not listen to your mother's rubbish that your kids will disobey you because of your difficult relationship with your mum. Your mum has been bad to you and not the other way round. Similarly, if you are great to your kids, they would love you the most with full of respects and happiness. If you wish, you could be a single independent woman thus taking full care of your kids and once you're done with counselling and you've improved your situation, its better if you can re-marry someone to ease your situation furthure and have a company to takecare of you and your kids insha'Allah.

    Pray to Allah always. Be regular. Ask him to have mercy on you. Do dhikr always. "Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest" (13:28) May he ease your situation and give you happiness that you needed most. Ameen.

  4. Assalamualaikum sister,

    I would not normally say this, but you need to let your mother be and stay separated. Be kind to her when you speak to her, but don't let your children be with her and you don't stay with her for long. For you, taking care of your kids and raising them upon the deen is most important. You can consider the story of the Sahabi who accepted Islam and his mother went on a hunger strike. He said that he was ready to sacrifice more mothers for the deen he has chosen.

    Paradise lies at mother's feet is a analogy to show how important her obedience is, but there is no obedience when it comes to sin and Allah's disobedience. Rest assured, be careful what your kids see and hear and keep them away from their grand mother. Stop worrying about your mother now. If you see the danger, then stop even communicating with her for some time.

    I suggest you to marry someone else who would comfort you and keep you in peace. In sha Allah, you will find someone with the Help of Allah.

    Your father, I don't know if he is actually doing Tawbah or if he feels you have grown up and will fell wrong about him. But either way, be kind in your words with him too. It's hard, but remember that this is only a temporary place. The Hereafter is for eternity. Strengthen your Eeman by improving your Aqeedah, practicong the Sunnah, etc. In sha Allah, you'll find Allah's Mercy and His Help.

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Jazak Allah khair for very deep and well-supported advice. I have a similar problem as Sanna888 and would appreciate your insight.... I still live in the same house as a former-abuser (older brother). Since I have grown up, I have enforced that he stop the abuse that happened for many years while I was a child and teenager under 18 years old..... And he did. stop But, whenever I see him, I notice that his eyes still look at my body inappropriately with evil lust, and makes me feel exposed and that brings back all the bad memories from the past, which cripples me and destroys my mental and emotional health for the rest of the day..... Do I still have to look at him, talk to him let alone be kind to him, when his very presence makes me sick - literally sick and weak, unable to do anything. I don't want to be cursed by Allah for breaking family ties but I just can't tolerate having any ties with this person.... I tried.... Please help.

      • Sister, it is difficult to say "break family ties". But here, your security is in question. He may resort to evil and act on his evil intentions if he finds you alone.
        I suggest you to avoid being at home alone, and if required, hint your parents about his deeds and his intentions.

        If he tries to do anything again, complain to your parents directly.

        Muhammad Waseem

        • ur brother is haram.
          I curse him .
          Pls feel comftable dear sister.
          U hv no fault.
          Which is your country let us know . Editors can we togather
          Help her.
          If need be u can ask.for more deatils of my num addr etc

          • Thank you for your answer.May Allah reward you for your concern and help.

            I will try to feel comfortable insha'Allah. Don't worry, I am okay. I was just confused about if I can avoid this relative without being cursed by Allah.

        • I am sure he would not do anything besides look at me in an abnormal way. But that alone is very destructive for my mental and emotional health. I do avoid being home alone, and did hint to my parent who did not really react strongly about it, saying it was just a misunderstanding. Thank you for your answer though. May Allah subhana wa ta'ala reward you.

  5. ASA sister. Forgive but dont forget. Sex abuse is unacceptable and i wouldnt let kids know any molester family or not. I think our god wouldnt understand. Astagfirullah. Get help but dobt let your kids be around them

  6. Dear Sana888,

    I commend you on your courage and strength. I am truly sorry to hear about the abuse your family has committed with you. It is okay to forgive when the time is right for you and they will have to answer to Allah. In this case, I will agree with others and I believe for the best interest of your own health it's okay to stay away from your family!

    Stay strong sister and you will always be in my prayers.

    Peace and love,

    Kalila143

  7. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
    BismillahiRahmaniRahim
    Sister I don't remember hearing a story as horrific and painful as yours. However we Muslims are here for you inshaa Allah.

    You need to understand a few things.

    You were wronged by your parents. You were wrong in such a horrific way it's hard to describe. It is on your credit when you meet Allah. You can take there good deeds and leave your bad deeds on them inshaa Allah. Or you can forgive them which is even better. Your izzah with Allah will be increased. Allah loves the Muhsineen! The following video has anger in the title but it talks about the incredible, practically unspeakable reward for forgiveness. What nonsense your mother said. You are above her. Pray to Allah your children are good.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OysnO2wtZD8

    Sister, the fact that you had to go through all of this is clear evidence to me of good intent from your Lord.

    Abu Hurayrah (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: " Whenever Allah wills good for a person, He subjects him to adversity" [Bukharee and others]

    Abu Hurayrah (RA) reported that the Prophet said: " Hardships continue to befall a believing man and woman in their body, family, and property, until they meet Allah (S) burdened with no sins. " [Tirmithee]

    The prophets and righteous people are afflicted the most, and their rewards are the highest. Sa'd (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: " The most in their suffering among the people are the prophets, then the best, then the (next) best. One is afflicted in accordance with his deen (faith). If his deen is firm his affliction is hard, and if his deen is weak, his affliction is light. Indeed, one would be so much subjected to adversity until he walks among the people without any sins. " [Ahmad, Tirmithee]

    Can you imagine that sister! The severity of the tests you have been faced with is so you can have the highest rank in Jannatul Firdaus inshaa Allah nearest to Allah and Rasulullah.

    I can't stop giving you the good news! Good news, good news, good news!

    'Aishah (RA) narrated that once some pain afflicted the Prophet (SAW) causing him to suffer and turn about in his bed. she said: "Had one of us done this, you would have blamed him." He (SAW) replied: " An ailment is intensified for the righteous. whenever a believer is afflicted by a hardship, whether it is a thorn or more, a sin is taken off from him because of it, and he is elevated by one rank (in Jannah). " [Ahmad]

    I have yet some MORE good news to give you.

    Imam Ahmad recorded from Abu Musa Al-Ash`ari that the Messenger of Allah said,

    «مَنْ أَحَبَّ دُنْيَاهُ أَضَرَّ بِآخِرَتِهِ، وَمَنْ أَحَبَّ آخِرَتَهُ أَضَرَّ بِدُنْيَاهُ، فَآثِرُوا مَا يَبْقَى عَلَى مَا يَفْنَى»

    (Whoever loves his worldly life, will suffer in his Hereafter, and whoever loves his worldly life, will suffer in his Hereafter, and whoever loves his Hereafter, will suffer in his worldly life. Therefore, chose that which is everlasting over that which is temporal.)

    http://quran.com/87/16-17

    I will In shaa Allah put up more posts to help you.

    Nu’man ibn Bashir reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said, “The parable of the believers in their affection, mercy, and compassion for each other is that of a body; when any limb of it aches, the whole body reacts with sleeplessness and fever.”

    [Sahih Muslim, Book 32, Number 6258]

    عَنْ النُّعْمَانِ بْنِ بَشِيرٍ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ مَثَلُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ فِي تَوَادِّهِمْ وَتَرَاحُمِهِمْ وَتَعَاطُفِهِمْ مَثَلُ الْجَسَدِ إِذَا اشْتَكَى مِنْهُ عُضْوٌ تَدَاعَى لَهُ سَائِرُ الْجَسَدِ بِالسَّهَرِ وَالْحُمَّى

    2586 صحيح مسلم كتاب البر والصلة والآداب باب تراحم المؤمنين وتعاطفهم وتعاضدهم

    Waallahu Musta'an.

  8. personally i feel that for your sanity and your kid's sanity you need to stay away from your mother and her emotional abuse.

    she was as much an abuser to you as your father was. she should have protected you when you were young and sheltered you. she knowingly allowed the abuse to happen to you and then in turn abused you emotionally involving your siblings as well. This is not in any way a definition of a good mother. Her emotional abuse of you is still continuing. YOU need to understand that she will never be the mother that you expect her to be, or that she will give you the unconditional love that you are craving.

    You do not owe her anything. and don't believe anything she tells you.

    May Allah make things easy for you .
    And make you strong to raise your kids. And make you strong enough to realize what empty words come from your parents.

  9. Salaams Sister,

    Reading your story was very distressing and disturbing as to how you have suffered so terribly at the hands of the very people who were meant to cherish and protect you. Without doubt your male relatives are vile evil doers and I cannot comprehend the evil nature of your mother, who has completely abandoned you and seems to be consumed with the most evil kind of envy.

    I would suggest cutting ties since they have not even behaved like believers and certainly had no fear of Allah when they committed these atrocious crimes. They have forfeited their rights as parents, so feel no obligation towards them. Forgive in order to move on, but forget them also. If they remain in your life, it will be akin to a recurring tumour.

    You have managed to raise your children despite such severe hardships and having to carry the immense weight of this abuse. Your children love you and you love them too. Forget those envious and malicious remarks.

    We are never alone, as Allah knows and Allah is always there. Please don't be depressed any more, don't worry, you and your kids deserve some happiness. This is your family now, forget the evil doers and put all your energy in your worship of Allah and guiding your kids.

    May Allah protect you, guide you and reward you and may you and your children be amongst the best of Muslims, Insha'Allah.

    Take care.

    • YA Allah, beautiful answer, jazak Allahu khair .... May Allah subhana wa ta'ala bless you and reward you, for your advice. It seems wise and relevant.

  10. I have tears in my eyes. How can a father do such a horrific act. May allah give you the strength to be strong and help you to cope with such bad experience. may allah give you the strength to be a beautiful mother to your children who are your gift from allah rest assure my dear sister these children of yours will definitely grow up to make you happy and proud. As a lot of people have mentioned you don't need to remain in contact with your parents. Please take there advice and be strong.

  11. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    Apparently there is some immense amount of good in you and you are apparently very strong in deen otherwise you would not be tested to this extent.

    Keeping up ties doesn't mean you are all happy with them. It could mean just a phonecall a week to your father. (Hi, how are you, good, I am fine, wa alakumusalam.)

    2-5 minutes. The same with that women who gave birth to you.

    Do it and listen to Nouman Ali Khan lectures+tafseer.

    • In any case, the advise given by the above commentators, i.e. cutting ties with them is ill advised.

      Keeping up ties of kith and kin can mean you simply give them a phone call. Do that and inshaa Allah you will avoid all punishment.

      As for your reward-SubhanAllah, I have no idea what is waiting for you.

  12. Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters. Sana, reading your heart wrenching story brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had advice for you, but sadly I don't. My own dilemma is what brought me here.

    I'm a 21 year old girl. When I was around 5 years old, I was molested by my brother who is 8 years older than me. There was never any intercourse, just fondling. I had no idea that what we were doing was wrong. I was just a child. This thing went on for almost 6 years. After all those years, I confided in a friend of mine, who told me to tell my mother about all this. So I did, and she was mortified. She told me how this was wrong, and then started to protect me. She would always be around after that, and would never leave me alone. She never confronted my brother about all this. She didn't even tell anybody else, not even my father. After all this, my brother never touched me again.
    Over the years, my brother started becoming my friend. He became very close to me, he would help me out all the time, discuss my problems with me. Probably because he felt very guilty about what happened in the past. We never talked about the past though, and still haven't. He became closer to Allah. He would say his prayers 5 times a day and became a better person generally. He worked so hard and is very successful now. He became the golden child in the eyes of my parents, even my mother. I would never talk to my mother about everything that happened in the past because then she'd get extremely upset and would start crying, and I hated seeing her like that. I didn't want her to hate my brother, because I had forgiven him, and he had redeemed himself. And that was enough for me. Whenever she would start talking about it, I would change the subject. So I never talked about it so that those feelings would never revive for her. And nobody else knows this except me, my mother, my friend and my mother's sister. I told her everything myself.
    It's been almost 3 years since my brother moved out of the country with his wife. I don't talk to him much because I still remember everything that happened. And he thinks that I don't because I was so young back then, and I never even showed it over the years. Just because I forgave him and I was okay with him all those years doesn't mean that I forgot, and that it still doesn't hurt sometimes.

    The thing is that I met a guy almost a year back. We became very good friends. He is a very intelligent, honest, kind and a loyal person. He's also very religious. We both started developing feelings for each other over the year. He confessed his feelings for me almost a month back, and I did the same. We didn't want one of those typical western relationships which has become a trend recently (Nauzubillah), we wanted to get married. So we were considering each other for that.
    I had this thing engraved inside my head ever since I was a little girl that I would never tell anybody about what had happened to me in the past, EXCEPT that one person who I was gonna marry, because that person should know who I am. Utterly and completely. My naked body should belong to only that person who falls in love with my naked soul. He is a very intelligent guy, he knew something has been troubling me for a long time now. He didn't know what it was, but he knew there was something. Since I had decided that this was the person I'm gonna marry, I decided to tell him about my past. So I did. I told him everything, EXCEPT the fact that that person was my brother. I didn't give him a name. I said it was a relative of mine. He got so upset, so very upset, because something so tragic had happened to me. He took it pretty well though, he didn't lose his mind. But one thing I didn't expect him to say, and that was that he wanted to kill that person. He said if I ever find out who he was, I will rip him to pieces. That scared me so much... I tried to talk him out of it, but he was so angry.
    We talked about it a bit. He told me he doesn't blame me for what had happened. It wasn't my fault. He said he absolutely hates that person for doing this to me. He presented this situation to me. A stipulation. He said that if you want me to marry you, then I have a condition, and that is for you to NEVER EVER see or meet or talk to that person again. I don't want him in your life. He said if you can't agree to this, then we can't get married.
    I am so confused right now... How can I tell him that that is not possible?? How can I never talk to that person again? He's my brother, ofcourse he's gonna be in my life. Even though we don't live in the same country anymore, I'd have to see him at family marriages or parties. I'd have to stay in touch with him. What would my family think if they find out that I haven't been in touch with my brother? I would never be able to tell them the reason...
    And this guy... He doesn't even know that this person is my brother... I don't even know how he'd react if he were to find out...
    Honestly, this person means so much more to me than my brother. He's always been there for me. He is ready to accept me for who I am and my past, only if I meet his condition. I honestly have no problem leaving my brother for him. My brother hurt me so much. He was the one who was supposed to protect me...

    But my question is that is this allowed in Islam? Can we cut off ties with our siblings if our husband tells us to? Qat'a ar Rahm (cutting off family ties) is a very big sin in Islam, as is written in Surah al Nisa and so many other places, but is it allowed/accepted if your husband wishes that?
    Also... If I stop talking to my brother, my husband would find out eventually. How would he react then... I don't want him to kill my brother, or anybody! I don't want him to go to hell because of me... Because of something that happened so very long ago and doesn't even effect me anymore. I will be held accountable if he does so.
    Please guide me. Quote an Ayat or a hadees maybe. I want to make sure that this is allowed in Islam. Cutting off relations with your siblings because your husband tells you to. He doesn't want that person (my brother) in my life.
    Please help me out.
    Jazakallah.

  13. Dear sister just maintain minimum contact with your brother. Telling lie for some good cause is allowed. Keep yourself busy in your family only. Forgive your brother as I am sure he must be in more pain than you being sinner himself. May Allah help you

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