Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Depression and confusion

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

AoA,

I am 26 years old working woman. I have made a very big blunder that I am full of regret now. I have lost my love of life which is causing me deep depression. I really love and like a man since 2012. I saw him in my university and then later i came to know that he is relative of my aunt's in laws.

Surprisingly, i saw 2 couples of my name and of my love's name. I met 4 people of the same date of birth. My best friend is having same dob like him. There are more things like his niece was my student in the school and many more things which made me believe in him. So i started putting my effort.

He is a man who avoids commitment but somehow i believed that he will be agreed for the commitment. I asked him for marriage but he refused he wanted me as friend only. So i left him. After one year he contacted me and said he want to marry but now i was not sure. So i gave him time. He said he is serious. So i fully concentrated on . This time i was full of passion. But again after 2 months he started avoiding me. So 2 years almost i went on chasing him contacting him. Suddenly after 2 months, He said i just want friendship. But now i could not suppress my feelings. I prayed.

Meanwhile my mother was searching proposals for me (she didnot know about my love) In may 2016, she agreed for a proposal educated man, good looking. She started convincing me. I told about it to my love. He gave me advice as friend that dont go for nikah go for engagemnt. I said i want you . He said than wait may be after some time i will get feelings of love than we will marry. But i wanted right now because my mother suppressing me. My friends said to go for nikah. So i agreed.

My nikah ceremony was in June. At that moment i was fully shaken that i dont want to go for nikah. I should leave and go away. After nikah ceremony my in laws and my mother got a quarrel as they brought a lot of guests which caused us heavy expense and they did not come to our home after nikah even my mother said to them again n again. Suddenly same night of nikah i felt panic attacks in heart. I was feeling it is a very wrong decision. I should not marry a man i dont love. I contacted again n again with my love i dont want to lose you. It is a wrong decision. I cant spend my life with a person i dont love.but in vain.

Day after day my situation was getting worst. What i did. i lost my love with my own hand. Regret n depression. Missing heart beats etc. After some days, i told my mother the actual scenario. She was too much annoyed. I said to my mom i am not satisfied. She was worried too. Then after some days i talked to my husband for the first time. He was so happy. But i was still thinking about my love. I could not openly talk to him. I was reserved. He was planning future. My mother contacted my husband but he didnot talk. He didnot like talking to my mother. He told me that he left his engagmnt before. I suddenly thought that this man is not good for female who loves him. I suudenly refused for the marriage i told him i cant trust you. So we stopped talking. Then again my sister in law advised me to talk and dont get angry. So i said sorry to my husband.

Then he came to my home with eid gifts again there was quarrel between my in laws and my mother. I told everything to my mother about his engagement. Everyone was shouting. My mother got extremely angry. Then they went. On eid day i invited my in laws i sent eid gifts. Everything was ok. I asked about dowry. My husband told me a big list i said i cant make big dowry. He said it is duty of every girl so you have to make. I got angry and told my mother. She was annoyed again so she said to my husband that we want to finish this relation. (i was so confused and my mother was also not feeling good) Then 3 times we asked for the nikah papers which were with my in laws. I felt so terrible. I contacted my husband and forbade him to make divorce papers. Give me time to settle things but he was too much annoyed so he made papers in july.

I tried hard to make myself satisfied. I stopped my mother. I did not allow to bring divorce papers home. I said sorry again n again. It was a very bad tag. I convinced my husband to tear the papers dont send me. It will spoil lives. He was not trusting me. I myself had lost my confidence. I didnot give him any promise. He said making papers mean divorce has been executed. So i went to different mufti sahibs. Every one giving different fatwa. I believed mufti saying nikah has been finished but you people can go for again nikah if both want. But my husband believes the mufti who is saying no nikah without hilala. So, it has been a desastrous end. Everything finished with huge pain. I am still sleepless crying over.

I lost my love of life, my husband, even my health is damaged worstly. Now totally disappointed what should i do. I am having too much negative thoughts. This confusion and indecisiveness making me suicidal. Please advise.

Komal

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11 Responses »

  1. As Salam alaikum my dear sister . I had tears in my eyes during reading message. May Allah heal your pain . Everything will be fine just give your time to yourself. I had also very big problem I wasn't good muslimah . But hopefully Allah will forgive our sins . Remember Allah is the Best Planner . May a Allah grant you with happiness and remove all your worries. Amen

  2. you said your husband gave you a list of dowry.
    there must be a reason for every happening sister. besides your continunous apologies and you REALLY TRIED HARD to save you marriage but Allah has better plans for you. so dont be depressed, READ QURAN offer Salah FIVE TIMES A DAY.
    Ask Allah for help, turn to Allah. find peace in Ayats.

    regards

  3. Hey Kokomo
    Let me tell you something
    The man in your college was a loser.
    He was a time passer.
    Such guys who don't want to comit are the worst in the world
    As you have seen.

    So learn from your experience and avoid flirty-f!*k-boys like him
    All they want is sex and time pass

    Plus they love the drama they cause and the mental torture they cause

    Don't take it personally
    It's their problem, not yours.
    They were not given enough attention from their moms as kids

    you may Wonder why such Boys can keep coming back to you

    the reason is they enjoy the attention

    they love the ego boost

    and you are boosting their ego

    to them if they think one girl likes them,
    they think they are super hot
    Don't feed their ego
    avoid them at all costs

    Now I cannot say much regarding your husband

    except that your husband doesn't know much about Islam

    because in Islam
    it is the man's duty to provide Dowry for his bride
    Not the woman

    If your husband was causing so much drama

    and also causing so much problems for your family

    it is good that you found out now

    You can lose him now and continue your life

    Inshallah another man will come into your life and it will be much better

    it is always darkest before the dawn

    Don't blame yourself
    And educate yourself on Islamic rights for women

    Don't let another man try to exploit you and your family

    Good luck
    Salamalekum

  4. Wasalam dear, after reading your story i can cansay onething ... Allah rab ul izat has protected you from the worst circumstances so thank him and say Alhamdolillah as much as you can for whatever has happened to you.
    That guy you met in university was a bullshit. You never loved him. It was just a temptation. You havent mentioned your father in all of this (is he alive?)if not then i believe this is the main reason that you are trying to seek a sense of protection and comfort in both men.
    Now you need to understand few things at this point... YOU are ENOUGH for yourself! Remind yourself this again n again cx Allah is with you.

    That filthy lustful guy you met at university was a crap! The other men you got nikahfied with was another crap...a crap full of greediness! You should be thankful to allah that he has protected you from both men.
    Ye risthta na hota to tumhain na us larky ki hakeekat ka pata chalta na he apny husband ki.By this way allah told you to trust on him and only seek help from him. Dunya main or bhi bohat say ghum hain yar ...r jab hum d osro ki takleef dakhty hain to hamain apni takleef bohat chotti lagti hai. I know its a hard time for you. But is hard time main ye yad rakhna k allah tumharay sath hai. Wo tumhain logo ki hakikat dikhana chahta tha r wo chahta hai k tum apny apko pehchano. Self pity mat karo ..khud pay tars khana chor do. You havent lost anything, jo tumhara kabhi tha he nai us pay kya rona? R dosri bat ye ghum ye takleef ye sab allah ki taraf say tha...r ab is k bad jo reward tumhain milyga wo bhi allah ki taraf say he hoga. So sabar r tahamul say kaam lo. Trust allah and start a new life. Set new aims. Hamain sirf ek he bar ye zindagi milti hai... So try to make the best out of it. Stop thinking log kya kahain gay... Just remember one thing... Allah kya chahta hai ..r allah kya kehta hai ! This should matter to you!...your life will be much easier if you put all your trust in allah.... He will take care of all your problems. Remember he loves you the most. So its okay to lose the entire world to gain his love and attention.you are one lucky girl cx at this point of life you are the closest to allah. And above all ...HE choose you to be closest to him.
    Stay blessed dear
    And never stop saying allhamdolillah
    Jazak#allah khair 🙂

    • Jazakillah Maheen Ali,
      My mother arranged my marriage again. yes you were right I am very happy now. I got married to a very nice man. We are moving abroad insha Allah very soon.
      My family did hide everything about past nikah divorce etc. And thank God that nikah was not registered. I am afraid of exposing that bitter reality on my husband. May Allah help me (ameen)
      Yes my father has passed 10 years ago. I spoiled my life waiting and trusting wrong people. Now my life is totally changed. I hate my past life. This is completely a dawn. I am feeling my wounds are vanishing day by day. Alhamdolillah

      • Mashallah ❤
        I am overwhelmed to read your reply and knowing that you are much happier and settled in your life make me believe that Allah rab UL izat can do wonders in seconds. We just have to trust him once . I wish you all the best for this new journey . may Allah protect you and guide you to the straight path ameen. And one more thing dear... "Jab Allah insan ka parda rakh lata hai , to insan ko phir us bat k lia pareshan honay ki zarorat nai hoti". Allah nay apka parda rakha hai..r ye parda rakha rehny dain. Or aram r sakoon say apni any wali zindagi guzarain. Allah will handle the rest. Secondly, that nikah you had wasn't even a nikah , as ustaad nouman ali khan said, if a girl doesn't wants to marry someone and still her parents force her to marry that guy then that kind of nikahs are not legal. They are not even nikahs. So relax, offer two nawafils of shukar and move one. And always remember Allah. Jazakallah khair.

      • jazak ALLAH sister your tough time had passed and MASHALLAH you live happy life please remember me in your dua and save me from worst ex boyfriend I am scared from him I cut off with Jim but I afraid from him

        • @sofi
          Assalamualikum, hope you will be good. I want to share something with you. As you have mentioned that you have left what use to be your past. Then remember that present and future have something blissful for you. So do not be afraid of anything except Allah and if sometime you feel afraid of someone or something , may it be a man, or some animal or a disease please recite these kalimas 3, 3times day and night. And just be carefree about what's bothering you . Allah will take care of it okay.
          ***Recite :" bismillah hillazi LA yazur'ru ma'aa ismehi shayiiun fil-arzi wala fissamaa ei wahu wassami UL aleem"
          Translation: In the name of Allah with whose name nothing in the sky and on earth can harm and indeed he is the best listener and the best doer.
          Jazakallah khair:)

  5. I just want to reiterate what Ms. Reshme and Ms. Maheen have said.

    BOTH men were losers in their own way. Any decent, God-fearing man would fight to be with you and make sure you are happy and well for the sake of Allah. Good men don't hurt others, string women along with no intentions of marrying them or use their power to abuse others.

    Your husband clearly doesn't know anything about Islam. It is wrong for a man to demand his wife for dowry; in fact, HE is the one who is responsible for giving sufficient dowry to you, to take care of your expenses, feed you, clothe you and provide a separate dwelling for you. Reshme is right, please learn about Islam and women's rights.

    And maybe it's hard for you to notice this fact now, because your emotions are clouded by feelings of love, hurt and rejection, BUT you are better off without them in your lives Insha'Allah. Give yourself time to heal and move on. Ask Allah for help, guidance and strength to get past all the pain and depression. Talk to Allah while in sujood, and it will do you wonders, Insha'Allah.

    There is absolutely no point in marrying anyone, if they can't be a decent, respectful, kind-hearted, God-fearing, caring and honest spouse. Better to be alone and patient till the right person comes along. Forget about the past and don't worry about the future, Allah is forever sufficient.

    I know it hurts terribly right now and many of us have been in your position. But Insha'Allah with time, you will heal and get better, trust us. Keep yourself busy in something you are passionate about and try not to think too much about what has already happened, or what will happen in the future. Cling to Allah in ibadaah.

    May Allah ease your heart, remove all the pain and suffering, and give you strength to move on and get past all of this, Ameen ya Rab

  6. Aslamualoqum sis:)
    There is no point in haram relationships, they are waste of time and life:) Trust me.. 🙂 your heart will get broken at the end because GOD doesnt like this:) haram means:) before marriage the i love u drama:) ends up just waste of lust and waste of everything:) Nothing wrong in falling in love but purposly falling in love for the sake of it just ends up distaster. Look on the bright side of life.:)What are the things you like about your life? Pray to ur creator for the things you enjoy and love, The most precious gift in a person life first should be their parents or their kids. Of course for ur situation is your parents:).Also remmeber the point of why are you brought in this world? What is this duniya all about? Make your self very educated in Islam:) then ur confident will be boosted:) in your Allah :).Pay attention to your life as getting a degree, or a job to be away from house tentions:).

  7. thanks sister I have post my story here but not publish yet I posted in February I cut off with him in February because I couldn't understand him he lies and he hidden everything from me and was giving me tension his mistake but he did not accept his mistakes I pray daily and give sadqa daily to protract from him and ALLAH keep my past in secret and my family can't know about my past and he can't do anything against me I am afraid because I sent him my pictures I said him delete my pictures he said I delete your pictures but after that I came to know he did not deleted my pictures and one day he said I delete your pictures after I knew about his who,s he and family background so please remember me in your dua. thanks

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