Depression due to my husband’s second marriage
I am an Indian women, staying in KSA married to my husband for the past 15 yrs. 3 yrs back he had married an arab national woman here, though he had hid all this matter from me before, he told me about this just before his marriage.
Though I am very possessive of my husband, I had submitted to the will of Allah and bearing with him all these years. But now each passing day, I am feeling more depressed and getting into inferior complexities. I am not able to look after my kids (four of them) or my house. I have lost all interest in life and feel like i am going mad. Neither can i leave my husband nor ask him to divorce the other woman as it is against shariah.
I have tried to deal patiently but when I am not able to control myself, does Islam still ask me to continue in my present state until death takes me over?
I don't have any complaint against my husband. He tries his best to be just between us but the problem is with the two diverse cultures of me and the Saudi wife. Before marriage, my husband had told me that he is marrying her so that he can do some business upon her name as a Saudi national or try for his own Saudi nationality.
He told me he loves me a lot, he is not marrying her for any marital needs as he is perfectly satisfied with me, I will never be wronged and i will be the boss in all his affairs and dealings. His wedding was a grand one where he spent about 1.5 lakh riyals for all the different occassions and for setting her house, of course by taking loans and also selling some of my jewelry, which to this date he is paying.
He bought new and costly furniture and all other electrical appliances and everything neccessary for a house. I felt bad becase as an expatriate here, he had not bought even a single piece of new furniture for me, all second hand items and just fulfilling my needs (no show or pomp).
I am not that type of a person who demands more from my husband but am content with whatever he gives me. But the other woman wants everything nicest and he abides by her demands and leaves me to my condition because i don't demand. But i can't bear it if he does for her and not for me.
He is in short of money anytime I request him for something and i keep quiet regarding his financial conditions. I have also started working in a school and fulfil all my needs with my own money and also help him when he needs money. Inspite of all these i am not entitled to any of his favours.
I cater to all his needs of food and clothing, as he does not like Saudi food cooked by her. So she does not have any responsibility towards him, even when it is her turn he comes to me to eat or get dressed for his job. The other wife has all her family members, relatives and friends here and I have no-one here from my family or friends. So i have to stay at my house all the time without any social activity. But she is never left alone, when it is my turn she stays in her parents' house and spends time with her sisters.
Most of the time even on her turn she refuses to come to her house and willingly stays with her family. These days my husband comes to my place, but if she wants something, my husband has to run to her to fulfil it otherwise she makes it haram for him to rest (meaning she is the master of her own will and is free to do whatever she wants).
She does not cook or wash but my husband brings for her ready made food daily. She has a daughter from him and she wants him to cater to all her needs beyond what he does for my children. I dont even take a monthly allowance for myself as my husband brings in all the grocery and stuff I need whereas, she takes a monthly allowance from him and also a daily allowance for food, drink and smoking along with the grocery and stuff which she sometimes stuffs in her parents' place as she stays there.
She had not consented to sign for any papers to allow my husband for any business, due to which there were frequent clashes among them. He would give her the allowance to go and meet her and her daughter daily but she refused to stay the night with him and preferred to stay at her parents'.
After a long continous night stay of my husband for 1 month at my place, she has consented to give her wakala for business under her name with the condition that half of everything that he earns will go to her and her family, to which he has agreed. After this consent she has taken high command over his life, commanding, demanding and fulfilling all her desires and whims. All this is becoming unbearable for me, when i tried to talk over she threatened to handover me to the Saudi police.
My husband fears all this, because the Saudi govt would rather support their own nationals instead of me - an expatriate Indian. Or when my husband refuses to submit to her desires she accumulates all her relatives who in turn force him to give her what she needs. I dont have anyone here to support me either so he takes me for granted and never cares if my or my kids needs suffer.
As she is a national of this country, my husband turns to her and her family if he has any problems with his job. As she knows all the shopping places and is acquainted with her place she is of more help to her than me, they have social parties and weddings together where i am not invited. Neverthless all this makes me feel useless and unwanted. To my husband, I am only a caretaker of his house and children. The time he spends here is also mostly on T.V or internet with children.
I feel let down and crashed out. All his shcdules will be according to her time if he has time left after fulfilling her needs he turns to me, and the day when it is her turn he has a hectic life and when he comes to me he is usually tired and mostly wants to rest and sleeps here whereas with her he is out of house pampering her until late at night. I feel disgusted.
One more important aspect is her dressing. She wears western and revealing clothing at home to please my husband whereas I am a typical indian women wearing shalwar kameez and head scarves all the time as I have growing children both boys and girls. I hate to wear any other type of clothing but men are men they dont want grown up wives but young smart girl friends and that is exactly what she is to him.
I hope you understand my plight and the reason for my distress. He fulfils every desire of hers before mine, he has given her a laptop, though I need it more than her, now she wants her already new furniture to be replaced which he has done (mine still remains the old, second hand stuff). When I complain to him for this he said he will bring the previous furniture of hers into my house instead of selling them because she is forcing him for a replacement.
Where do I stand? He starts blackmailing my emotions that I am also cheap like her and troubling her, he has no money to do all these things. Anyway i dont consider all this things because i believe that whatever Allah has decreed for me i will get, but it pains to me so much that she is favoured in all situations whereas upon marriage with her my husband had promised to favour me upon her. As a result I have lost interest in life and household work and even my kids.
All this is leading to clashes between us, sometimes abuses and fights, which i dont want my kids to witness but unfortunately they are being a victim of all this domestic abuse.
I thereby seek your kind advice and want to know whether my husband is being just with me. I need some strong advice other than patience and forgiveness as i have reached the brim of my patience now, to the extent that sometimes i feel i will grow mad. I have severe heart pain and a heavy head daily which is not eased even by prayers or performing umrahs etc. I don't mind my husbands second wife because I believe in Allah and Quran but this type of life, I am not able to bear.
Islam requires that a man does justice between his wives. This is the requirement for polygamy, but what after marriage he realises that he is not able to be just between the two, what is the ruling for him? Is there no way out of it.
My husband in no way wants to leave her now as she has given him an access to business, rather he does not care whether i be with him or not. In such a case, can I leave him, take my kids n live somewhere else? Because i cannot bear all this drama in my life. I told him to keep her with me, feed her as he feeds me, clothe her as he clothes me n be just with everything, but she refuses for all this n even he does not want it to be like this. My kids needs are getting hampered n they are leading a very unrealistic life.
Please give me a convincing reply instead of a vague one. Sorry for such a long question but I wanted you to know every aspect of it before giving me a reply.
- FFFFFF
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Dear Sister,
I personally have never been in this situation, and never have felt this way. I would be the same as you, possessive and depressed. Even though you are depressed, and may be much older than the 2nd wife, I would try to take care of myself. Try to appear more attractive, put on some makeup for your husband, some perfume. Try to relight the flame in him towards you. Try, then, to talk to him, not about the financial issues but the fact that your children need him around as much as the daughter of the 2nd wife.
It is not right for him to take from you to pay for the 2nd wife. You should discuss this with your husband, open up to him, in calm non-emotional manner so that you can express yourself diplomatically and logically. If he wanted a 2nd wife, well all the expenses should be covered by his pay not by your own personal assets (like your jewelry).
If he married for the sake of Saudi nationality and material purposes (such as the extensive business), then we can see why this woman is wearing him out. If all you say is true, then his intentions were not for the right reasons, which is why he is paying for it not only monetarily, but also at the expense of his other family (you and your children). Keep him aware of this injustice.
This is a difficult situation, but this is all the advice I can think of due to my lack of experience in such matters. Marriages like this are not common in the US, but are emerging.
Your Sister,
Anonymous
own. leave him...get a divorce...he is a double face cheat...you can c that the problem is not 2nd wife but he himself...how selfish he is...no one should live with him at all...not that he cant marry again...its halal in Islam..but on the same side who stops a woman being free....you take a charge of your life and raise your kids...the situation will never change...be positive and be on your own...believe me leaving you only will cost you your mehar(marriage mony) only...but believe me that saudi woman is going to cost him a fortune of his life.... do not get depressed. be your
I can see exactly how this happened and why your husband was looking to raise his status by becoming a Saudi national. This is understandable with one exception: that it should be the status of BOTH of you as a couple that is raised. Not just his and the spoiled Saudi wife.
In the long view, Islamically, your husband is not treating his wives equally. You are receiving less than your share of his quality time, attention, and material support, while also shouldering much more of the burdens. This is haram.
It sounds to me like you are the better of his two wives. You have given him more children. You are a better cook. You are more modest in your clothing. You do more work. You demand less.
His Saudi wife has given him only one child. She demands more material favors. She contributes little in the way of cooking and cleaning. She is immodest in her choice of clothing and makeup.
Does your husband have any clue about these realities, of his haram actions as a husband, and about what a good wife you are and what a poor wife the Saudi woman is? Does he also realize that the only reason he has to justify treating her better is by discriminating against you on the basis of your nationality and age? What kind of a man is he, if he believes in that kind of justification?
The point is that you have every right to be extremely angry with your husband. However feeling lousy about yourself is NOT justifiable. You have EVERY reason to feel good about yourself. Chances are he will not change much. Do not count on it. You need to set limits for yourself - how much cooking you'll do, etc. Do only what is fair and no more. Set aside time for yourself and little by little establish some friendships, hobbies, activities. With limits set in life, and things you enjoy, you should begin to feel much better. That is all that matters here. So you see the only solution for the time being that you can completely control involves putting yourself first as far as setting limits and increasing the things you have to enjoy on a daily basis.
Sympathies and hugs.
salaams sister;
you can go to the Kadee in KSA. That is resource for help. The Saudi courts will make him to do right by you. I have seen them in action and they make the husband do right by the wives. Please go there and get your rights before things get worse for you and your children. But, be prepared that he will be soooooo mad that he may take action but, if you tell the Judge first, they will MAKE him do the right thing by you and your children.
It is clearly Haram for him to do what he is doing and the Judge will insha'Allah make him do the right thing.
Salams sister,
i know exactly how u feel as i am going through the same!! My husband went to Morocco few months ago to get married to an arab whom he met via dating website. He lied to me and told me he's going on a business trip but actually he went there to get married. I have 3 children and was pregnant with my forth child when he remarried. I found out about him whilst he was in Morocco and managed to get hold of the other womans phone number and called her and told her about my husband having a family here which she knew nothing about, she promised me she will not marry him and will send her back but then he lied to her telling her that me and him dont share anything and that he was only living with me for the sake of the children. This is a lie because me and my husband were very happy before he went morocco, i dont kow what happened to him afterwards. they still got married and since he's come back, he's been treating me very differently, he doesnt want to spend a single penny on us but spends more than £100 on phonecards to talk to her, he's bought her many things but when i asked him for something small that i needed for my pregnancy he told me he doesnt have any money. He's neglecting the children, he's never there to spend any time with them. He promised his other wife he will leave me but promises me he will never leave me!!
Like you sister, he doesnt allow me to do anything or go anywhere or wear western clothes but she can do whatever she wants. My children are 6,2 and 14months old and im now 7 months pregnant and he expects me to stay home look after them, cook, feed, wash and everything for them and him which i dont mind but he doesnt want to help out even when im very ill and cannot get up from bed, i still have to do everything by myself!! he doesnt call me when he goes to morocco, i am left here with my children. Im very depressed and dont know how to cope, i cry every night, i dont know what to do, i want help and advice as all this is really stressing me out.
Assalamualaikum sis,
I am sorry to hear that its so heart break to read that, I don't know what to say. But I do believe Allah SWT is with you and will help you. My prayer goes to you, amien I wish I could do more if you need someone to be your ear, just let Brother Wael know so he can give my email address, InshAllah
Wassalamualaikum
Salaam Sister Muslimah10
I have been looking to email u personally for a while but do not know how to get your email address, I have created an email so that we can communicate, as you helped regarding narcissist husband, this is my interest to get more help from you. Plse email me asap at ***********************
Jazaak Allah
your email is not appear and I guess if I write here it would not appear too.
have you email brother wael how to get exchange a personal email ? because i don't know how too..
InshAllah I will try to find out how too.. meanwhile just write over here i guess it a sfae place too and other sisters will support too.. as i get from Leyla, sisterZ etc.
Just remember you are not alone and SANE.. keep in your mind.. Allah SWT is with you
Hug to you sis,
Ummi, you are female, yes?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam sis muslimah10
I'm also trying to get your email address as i'd like to get advice aswell.
To brother Wael,
please can you email me with sister muslimah10's email address.
Jazak