Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Depressive and emotional abusive parents

Woman alone

My situation is quite complicated.

My mom is quite young and is in depression. She can't bear to stay alone and is constatntly talking negatively about the world. I try to support her by doing activities, talk to her, giving her gifts, finding a psy etc. She just do nothing to help herself not even eating healthy food! She always find some excuses and never seen all the blessings from God we have. I'm really worried about her passiveness she just calls her relatives for hours or just watch movies all day. She just complain but won't do anything to change it.

My father is just impossible. He talks bad to her and complain and scream about every single things. He also needs to interfere in evrything. Everybody including all our neighbours, try to avoid him. My brothers just stop caring.

I help them financially whenever I can, and I tried writing a letter to my father but he doesn't even read it.  Both of my parents behave according to their phonecall in India.

Now I've reach 24, I ve come back from London where I was working.  I've been a serious student and always worked part-time and help my family  but they just keep on screaming and pressurizing me. They don't seems to see the reality and always try to escape by some way.

Now they keep on talking about mariage because some people I dont know about, ask them about it in India. My mom even told me that I was a shame for the family and that she's sure I'm going to find some white guy  and that women are always lower than men. I cannot become as strong as men so I just need to stop expecting. I'm fed up, throughout my life I 've came upon lots of diffulties and because I was the oldest one, I did everything regardless of "men" or "women" tasks, working day and night, studying, travelling alone etc.

It's really difficult to find a job in France, it's even more difficult to find a sincere and muslim man who will treat me decently. I dont want to marry just because we have to. I will marry only when I will find someone suitable for me. For the time being, I've lost all hope. I just want to try to build myself and be a good human muslim.

All I want is some space and maybe some trust, if not just not having to bear this negativity all the time.  Now it has reached a level, I don't want to talk to them anymore, I always feel angry and frustrated and I just try to avoid them when I'm home. I feel so bad for behaving like this but I just pray.
Please tell me I'm not the only one

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6 Responses »

  1. The best way to make other people happy is to make yourself happy. If you want to help your family you need to help yourself and you are a young adult now. You need to prioritise your relationships and life goals. I too had parents that I had to help emotionally and I neglected myself. I had no friends, no relationships and my job was so bad. I was miserable. Once I let go of their emotional stress my whole life changed. I realised I had choices and that if I wanted a happy life I had to be selfish. Ironically god heard this and when I stepped out he stepped in. Now they are happy and I am also happy. Follow your OWN light and God will fix the rest and the demons.

  2. Heres the answer...this will be hard to except but this is the deep knowledge and wisdom...
    You are overdue in marriage...at this age it becomes DANGEROUS..sins become to grow desires become to grow and heart becomes black....2 things foundation of Islam must be established. A SUNNI Muslim must pray 5 times a day and obey to the best of his or her knowledge according to the school of thought eg. Imam Abu hanifa and our prophet MUHAMMAD PEACE BE UPON HIM. Quran is your everything! These are the 2 important things in life other then that the world is a curse. Allah says that anyone who spends no time in remembering me i will fill there heart with many worries and problems..This is fact .if you do your research.you will understand the illusion of this world and the lies it tries to cover..The imams are like doctors..they are there to give right advice and guidance so ask questions attend the sunni musjids understand your true PURPOSE in LIFE and work hard for it..
    Inshallah you will see the difference inner and outer if yourself and the sweetness of iman will be indescribable..but becareful of the INVISIBLE enemy who is always there to put wrong thoughts and ideas to keep you away from taqwa

    • You are utterly ridiculous, and very stupid to read. There's no such thing as "marriage due dates"...you get married when you find someone suitable for you...whether that's at age 20 og 75, only Allah knows. But you don't settle for whatever random trash that is available in India, just because idiots like you seem to think one MUST get married by the age of 11. Moron.

      It's also really dumb of you to assume people aren't capable of avoiding zina and must get married at 11 for that reason. Maybe you can't control yourself, because you're an imbecile, but I personally managed to EASILY get through MORE than 24 years of my life without committing zina, or feeling tempted to commit it.

      Stop promoting your stupid and backwarded standards to people that are vulnerable and in distress.

    • Noooooooo,I don't agree. She is not overdue in marriage!
      People have their own views when they would like to be settled down and married, have children, etc. But these are just ideals, there is no black and white letter law that one must be married before the age of 24! Come on!

      Though I agree with some of the other points you have mentioned.

      To the original poster - please don't lose hope! And I'm sure you're not the only one. Others go through similar situations.

      But is there a way you can leave your house? Because the atmosphere and negativity is not good for your health.
      One just needs to read your post and see how bad it is for you.

      Work on yourself spiritually, inshaAllah.

      And is it physically and financially possible for you to move house?
      If not, continue building and developing your bond with Allah. From my own experience, I found that when my bond with Allah strengthened (alhamdulilah) then all my pain, stress, problems and negativity went away!
      I used to care what people thought and it affected me a lot. The comments and digs used to really wind me up and get me angry too. It caused me frustration a lot like you mentioned.

      But I realised that it is only important to please Allah and His Rasool.

      Another thing which may help- do wudhu when you angry. Anger is the fire that is extinguished by water.

      All the best,

      Your sis in Islam
      X

  3. Assalaamualaykum Sister,

    So sorry to hear of the stressful situation you are in.

    You write:

    "... finding a psy etc. She just do nothing to help herself not even eating healthy food!"

    Did you find her a psychiatrist? Because it sounds like she needs one, or at least a therapist where she can talk about all the things that are bothering her. Whatever you do, I wouldn't keep enabling her by spending so much time chatting with her, etc. That's what she should be doing with a therapist, and you don't get paid for this! You have your own goals and dreams you need to work on! Unless of course your only goal or dream is to keep your mom occupied, which you realize is deferring her getting actual treatment from a therapist/doctor for her negativity.

    "I was the oldest one, I did everything regardless of "men" or "women" tasks, working day and night, studying, travelling alone etc."

    And that's fine...you don't need to change yourself. You need to accept that all of your life's experiences have made you into the woman you are today, and that anyone who you allow to enter your life should respect you for who you are.

    "I dont want to marry just because we have to. I will marry only when I will find someone suitable for me."

    That's a perfectly healthy goal and outlook! In fact, we don't even "have to" get married as you say. It is Sunnah.


    " I just try to avoid them when I'm home. I feel so bad for behaving like this but I just pray.
    Please tell me I'm not the only one"

    First off, you're not the only one 🙂 Secondly, you needn't feel bad for wanting to have your own privacy and personal space! No one can be "on" all the time. You are doing the perfect and correct thing by praying to Allah for your needs at this time. Because you are in a dark corridor where you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you need to keep inching along until you do! Allah will take care of you...that is one thing that is for sure. And you may not end up doing things the way you planned them, but Allah will have an even better path for you!

    May you find that clarity very soon, Ameen.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  4. Salaam sister,
    Its crazy because I was feeling depressive since this evening, searched for some related experiences and stumbled on to your post. What strikes me is how I am in the same boat as you with a strikingly similar situation.

    You are not alone. I understand how you feel. Being the eldest son, the first one to leave India and staying in France, I can understand how life can be difficult when you are away from your family, more so when they don't understand our situation. They can never understand the pain, sacrifices and troubles we go through each day.

    I would'nt call my mom depressive but she does have a deep emotional control over everyone including me. Over the last few years many times I proposed a muslimah to my mom, she created a huge drama just because she wasn't an Indian. Same issue: she flips out when she realizes I might marry a French muslimah. The ideal marriage according to her is when she chooses a girl and that girl needs to be from my city in India and the same locality. Its stupid how parents destroy their children for cultural satisfaction while using religion as the pretext. I have lost all hopes of ever getting married.

    With regards to how your parents don't understand you, the depressive and psychiatric tendencies aside, sadly this is the state of affair with most mulsim kids who have left their countries and their culture. Your parents will never be able to understand you, depressive or not. Only 2 of my 7 visits back to India in the last 8 years went without conflicts, tears and disputes.

    With regards to finding a good muslim man, don't lose hope even though it is difficult. Build up your social network among other muslim sisters and inchAllah Allah will soon send someone your way. Grow your circle with EMF (Etudiants Musulmans de France) and others to keep you occupied. I don't know where you live but if you live in Paris, there are several "match-making" associations in and around ile de France which you can contact and they provide matrimonial services in a halal context. Knowing French helps a lot. Also know that at 24, you are still young, so you shouldn't despair. The average age for muslim girls to get married in this part of the world is 28-30 although I wouldnt' advise you to take this as a reference.

    Finally know that Allah is always with the patient.

    Take Care

    Khan

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