Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Despairing of my life and future, in fear of losing my deen

Depression, depressed manI belong to middle class family, I am single and I am studying in university. I have problem regarding social phobia. Means I feel very hesitate and nervous in crowd and people. Because of this since my childhood I never had any relationship although I am straight, 5,5" height and average looking and normaly build. But because I had issues in past with my family since my fathers death and since then I have been struggling.

My father left us a big plot but now it is being sold because of my brothers after their marriage they become blood thirsty for their shares in property and for this they even got to police station and court seeing that my mother is alive but they don't care also because of them my sister didnt get married.

My mother got mentally ill, she is unable to keep herself away from depression no matter how many medicines and doctors we have consulted but I feel really sad for what tragedies happened to my family.

Recently I had started relationship on phone. She is syeda and hijab wearing decent sunni girl, I used to call her for long long hours because I couldnt find peace in life. She said they dont marry anyone who is not syeds or sheikhs. Even I told her my grandfather was sheikh but she keep on talking to me for one year until she finally got bored and told me to break up. I thought she was no like other girls but i was wrong. I know she had family problems but why she take it for so long. I thought she would understand me but she flirt with me. I think only Allah has capacity to forgive her deeds for playing with someones emotions.

Now I was doing job working as assistant programmer but my boss said they need skilled workers and now I am so depressed about surely getting unemployed again in September.

I got so much social withdrawal that i even got cut off from my single childhood friend. We dont even have relatives to help us in tragedies because they dont talk to us and live in other city and i am in fear that i would loose eman, become like an atheist.

I have been a very praying and grateful person to Allah giving zakat and having fast but I am unable to feel happy because of my anxiety. I found out that I need to look forward for a simple girl to marry and career but because of my internal matters I lost will and I am unable to feel normal because today's women will want money and celebrity type faced person.

After so much tragedies, I am unable to find peace for living. I am unable to feel happy because I am not living life up to the needs of what people are requiring from me and my family. Although I wish I could leave my country but that will be coward.

My priorities are

(i) to do sunnah of prophet muhammad i.e marriage (because I am 28 and I think I am getting older and I am getting weak living alone).

(ii) make my career strong and hence become something so that I can do for my family.

(iii) and have a little peace of mind everyday that I deserve and that every person has.

Please help me retain my deen that I am in fear of losing.

May Allah will reward you for this in akhirat.

- Ameen

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2 Responses »

  1. My dear Brother,

    I can understand very well what you are going through. You live in a family hotchpotch, full of

    tragedies and heart-breaking destinies. I can say from my own experience that when the

    family is shattered, this is definitely going to affect your self-esteem and confidence as an

    adult. Especially when the father figure is missing, the young people ( especially men)

    have nobody to identify themselves with. Then you feel nervous among people and

    hesitant, that's understandable You feel helpless and it's more difficult for you to

    defend yourself, your attitudes, your limits and you're defenceless. Others may sense that

    weakness and take advantage of it- like this hijabi girl who came forward with this excuse and

    rejected you for not being a sheikh. It may sound sad, but many people choose the people they

    play with.

    The most important question: How to deal with that turmoil in your life, leave behind your family

    history and find your own way? At first, you have to tell yourself over and over again that you have

    control over your own actions, and that nobody can influence them, not your brothers, not your

    mother etc. It is very sad that she suffers from depressions and that's very tragic, but you have to

    distance yourself from these devastating emotions, however hard it may seem. When my parents had

    problems and made each other's life to hell, I always made the mistake and let it touch me emotionally

    and I got affected by these feelings. Don't make the same mistake- be cool and relaxed. Try to help

    your family members, but don't let them destroy your emotional well-being by getting carried away.

    Be relaxed and cool, try to establish an order in your own life. Getting married to a religious and pious

    person with good akhlagh is fine, but a sheikh girl who flirts with you on the Internet, and then rejects you

    for not being a sheikh contradicts herself. If she never had any serious intentions with a non-sheikh boy,

    why didn't she asked you from the beginning if you're sheikh or not ? So just forget

    about her, she isn't worth a thought.

    In terms of the turmoil in your life and your hesitance and low self-esteem, brother, more people have

    this problem than you would think. Many people do have a stable family situation in which they can build

    confidence, many don't . And this is going to affect you as an adult, we are the mirror of our childhood.

    It's never to late to work on ourselves. Before you look for a partner, try to find inner peace of mind.

    Read Qu'ran and dua, and never indulge in self-pity. Your life is the way it is, other people's life is the

    way it is. You can't change it. Accept it, and try to make everything better than your parents with a good

    spouse. Beforehand, write down all positive Islamic qualities she should have like piety, patience,

    perseverance, a good heart etc, modesty... and try to stick to those qualities.

    Try to tell yourself: Who are the other people out there? Are they better than me? No Sir. They aren't.

    I'm valuable, I'm smart, I'm a good and interesting person and they are noones, whereas I'm a someone.

    Have tawakul in Allah, and always entrust your affairs to Allah only, as people can't keep anything for

    themselves. At least very often. Other people are only going to respect you if you love and respect

    yourself. Building confidence is not easy, it can last years, but insha allah you'll be able to develp

    self-love and find a very nice pious Muslim lady, insha allah, with the help of Allah.

    Another little tip: Turn your back on the world, love it, but don't get very attached to it. Pray a lot of

    Salatul Layl and whenever you feel depressed, do Namaz which are mustahab.

    I wish you all the best, my brother, may God give you inner peace of mind


  2. Salam

    Im sorry for what u have gone through...

    The best option is to keep praying and be patient for Allah is with those who are patient. InshAllah you will be successful and happy in ur life and Allah says never lose hope in Him...

    Recite Quran, pray regularly and help poor ppl as much as u can. Belive me when u help someone u feel so good. Also ask the elders in ur family to pray for you.

    NO ONE has a perfect life in this world. Everyone has problems but its about how u handle them and NEVER lose faith in Allah. You might be one the happiest people later in life..

    "when the going gets tough, the tough get going"

    Allah is always with us. We r still alive and can do a lot for ourselves and others. Pls be patient and keep reciting salawat( durood), it really helps...

    All the best , may you have a wonderful life. Ameen

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