Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Desperate need of help


Hi, here it goes---

It has always been a long distance relation-- started over internet and moved onto the phone ONLY. No date and no meeting, even now. Some good times some bad times, it was going smooth. We were in love, deeply in love... But with the passage of time, due to time needs and family insistence, I asked for the marriage and there all turned out to be a nightmare.

He used to tell me his family issues and here my family kept on pressurizing me for marriage as I being elder at home. It went for several years (4 years) and then he took his family to meet my family and all was sorted. Again I faced lots of rejections by my mother owing to his physical appearance but I just ignored and remained strong for him, considering his good nature and love towards me more important than else. But still all happened was the talk between two families, though positive but nothing else. So pressure from my family remained there... I had been with him, and I supported him in his bad times... but eventually nothing went forward... I was there where I was before... Then finally, I asked him either to leave or get engaged at least. So eventually we got engaged only after forcing him.

The most highlighting issues were marriage and then not giving me enough time. I often complaint about it and we eventually end up fighting. He got an imagine I always fight and want my happiness. It was not true. We are already far off, all I wanted was his quality time and interest.

Now after being together for 12 years and on a long distance relation, I came to know, he has no such feelings for me. He says he loves me and wants my happiness, on the other hand, he has no interest in me. Consider me a selfish girl, who is after her own happiness.. I am devastated. His blames are purely fictitious. I have ignored lots of his lies and lots of things, still I am selfish. I cared for his family, remained in their contact etc-- all I could do sitting far away...

During his bad times, he never messaged me and when I did and asked, he got furious that I don't care. This led to frustration and more avoidance and he started thinking I needed my happiness only and liked fighting. Tell me, if anyone is in bad situation, he/she directly moves to his/her partner for sympathy and courage, but he... he avoided me, didn't message me and expect me to understand... And I was like he had time to comment on fb but not for me... Can't it be so hurtful??? Is it a selfishness??? He got the engagement for my happiness, whats this?? Postponed the marriage for a year. He says I needed a security and has no concern for him and his family, should I won't ask for the relationship security?? I have a family to answers. It was a long wait for me and what I have got....  I am really very shocked knowing this... I am in need of a help, should I proceed or end this relation? Is asking for marriage a fault when you say you love me... you love me for what? What should I do???


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9 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    You should not be in a relationship with a boy, regardless of whether it is for a day, month or 12 years. The fact that both of you have not been able to marry for 12 years probably means that you need to move on--marriage isn't a game and not being able to precipitate your relationship into a marriage is a strong indication that this is a frivolous relationship--again, time doesn't legitimize it. Please end this relationship and start respecting yourself and your Deen--if that it what you want, you should commit to that.

    People have successful relationships both in halal and haram ways--what is important is doing what Allah swt would be pleased with--if you focus on this, your pain will diminish and be replaced with tranquility. May Allah swt help you to make the right decision, Ameen.

    • Assalam o Alaikum...

      • Assalaamualaikam

        Please stop posting your question as a comment on other people's posts. Br Wael and I have already confirmed that your post is in the queue for publication.

        We publish every post that is submitted for publication, so inshaAllah your question will be answered. I am sorry, but you will need to wait until then. The waiting time can be a couple of weeks - if there is a specific deadline that you need to have advice before, please let us know what this is and why, and we can try to give you advice for then, inshaAllah.

        Midnightmoon editor

        • Ok i understand. but please make it fast as my father is looking for another proposal for me and i have to confirm either of the both parties that what am i going to do. please help me 🙁 JazakAllah khair

          • Assalaamualaikam

            When do you need to make this decision?


        • i am unable to comment on your second post for me. but i need to make decision in this very week. I have pressure from both the sides.

          • Assalaamualaikam

            We'll do our best to have your question published this week, then, inshaAllah.

            In the meantime, read the articles published on this site about istikhara - do it yourself, and remember that what you are doing is placing your trust in Allah that whatever happens next will be the best thing for you in this life and the next. We have also published questions by people in similar situations, so read the advice they were given as it may be helpful for you as well (this is one of the reasons we keep an archive of published posts).


        • Jazak Allah khair for your concern.
          i keep reading all the concerning posts all day.i keep praying to Allah. i have also kept my trust in Him but i am currently in a verge of making decision. May Allah help me make the best decision. that is why i am asking for help.
          i have done istkhara by myself too and i saw nothing.

  2. Assalam o Alaikum!
    I understand that u r now emotionally attached to this guy and to my understanding girls usually end up in this situation. The fact that u can bring comfort to someone or b a source of strength gets girls attached to the guy (as ive seen).
    Not saying having a relationship with this guy was a right thing/decision, but wat u need to do now is decide where to go from here.
    Is there something that is bothering the guy or some family issue thats been going on? If he is avoiding u now then u must ask him first for a reason. If u have known him for awhile im sure u will b able to knw if he is lying to u or not. And then i would like to say dont try to make urself think otherwise. Please dont compromise just coz u think u hav come too far to let this go now.
    Idk if u realise this or not but knowing someone even for years and years over the net is not the same as living and being with the person. Remember that! Dont b too compromising. Saying it for ur own good.
    Marrying him is a big decision and u should not forget that ur family let u have it ur way. Not many r lucky to hav the support of their family when it comes to such matters. Understand u r on ur own watever happens in the end u will b solely responsible.
    It will b selfish if he tells u abt his situation and u dont understand him and force him further. However if he has no legit reason then u hav to think abt urself and future on ur own.
    Sort this matter out as soon as possible coz accepting the fact that u r done with someone u thought u would end up with and then preparing urself for someone who u will actually b with is another long way to go.
    Also if u dont mind i would like to ask u to do as much astaghfar as possible. Wat is done is done but u need to realise this whole relationship even tho it was only virtual was against wat ur Allah has asked of u.
    May Allah forgive u and makes wat is best for u and easier choice. I apologise if something i said bothers u.
    Fee amaan Allah!

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