Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Fear of unknown ahead and stigma attached to divorce is holding me back, desperately need advice

Missing husband, absent husband, man with suitcase at airport

Husband has left her and she is lonely

Assalam Alaikum,

I have a quite a dilemma and I'm desperately in need of advice.
I am a Muslimah, married for two years and still very young. Younger than 25. My husband is a great person, however we have had several issues from the first day of our marriage. I think, and have been told by several people throughout my life, that I am a very attractive person both physically and personality wise as well (not to sound self aggrandizing and vain, I try to remain humble :)) However, my husband is VERY nit picky. He isn't satisfied with me and is always looking for flaws that need to be fixed. I exercise regularly, eat healthy food, try to look good for him. But he hasn't told me once in our marriage that I'm beautiful. In fact, I used to be much more confident prior to our wedding than I am now.

Still, that is something I can accept since there is hope that one day he might be satisfied with me and be happy with the efforts I make for him. But, he doesn't spend that much time with me. He comes home very late and is often just sitting there not wanting to do much. I understand he needs to zone out but he is VERY focused on his hobby, to the point of obsession. Even with that, I try to keep myself busy and not nag him. I want him to have a hobby but he spends hours everyday, including weekends on it. Then he comes home and watches videos on it :/ It makes me feel lonely and aggravated. I am living away from my family and his entire family is really close by.

We spent some time of our marriage living with his mother. She is openly hostile towards me. Like, there is no doubt in my mind that she truly hates me. I try to be respectful towards her. But she has done things in the past that are very vindictive and manipulative and just plain...mean. We recently moved out but I still have to go see her at least once a week for several hours. And there are instances throughout our visit that make me want to just... I don't know, just the ground swallow me up and I disappear somehow. I don't like to answer back to her and I don't like to put my husband in the position where he has to defend me and hurt his relationship with his mother. However, he is well aware of her hatred towards me and said he can't help the way his mother is. I have to just deal with it. The rest of my in-laws are indifferent at best. I feel incredibly isolated.

Recently he told me he never wants to have kids with me. Ever. Initially, he said that we should wait a few years and down the line we will have one or two kids. I was more than okay with that because I do understand that the first few years it might be useful to have your privacy and build your relationship with your husband. But now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and I'm wasting away my youth. I even told him, fine no kids but maybe we can travel? Give me something...anything to look forward to. He said he can't make any promises.

As if the situation wasn't complicated enough, I met someone who is not Muslim. He is in fact an atheist but he is very interested in Islam. Initially, my intention was not to get to know him romantically even though I have to admit that I was attracted to him. He is very educated and easy to talk to, very approachable and I feel like we connect on such a different level. We have just had conversations in coffee shops etc (haven't been physically intimate with him at all). He doesn't know that I am married. But he has shown interest in me and I am very interested in him.

After our conversations, he has been studying the Qur'an, ahadith, salah, everything related Islam on his own. He said that initially his motivation to learn this was just so he can have a chance of being with me. However, now watching my conviction and faith (I'm by no means perfect- but these are his words) have made him doubt his doubt. I see him make true efforts towards learning more about Islam. I see a very, very, very high probability of him converting to Islam in the future. And I see myself being potentially happier with this man than I am with my husband.

I did Istikhara. I didn't see any clear dreams. I did it for 7 days straight. In the meantime, this man has shown nothing but utmost respect towards me and a genuine curiosity towards Islam. I don't think its fair or justified of me to continue this relationship with him unless I leave my husband. But I don't know if I should. I told this man I can't talk to him currently and need my space to figure things out in my life.

The fear of the unknown ahead as well as the stigma related to divorce is holding me back. I don't know how I will tell my parents about this. I don't want to hurt my husband either. We have tried talking about our issues time and time again and we just talk in circles and it doesn't get fixed. I am so confused and conflicted at this point. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

Can anyone please give me any advice on what to do? =(

SZR 2012.

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9 Responses »

  1. First of all, if I was you, I would consider divorcing your husband as he doesn't seem like much of a husband.

    Second of all, are you sure that he is genuinely motivated by Islam? Because if he is only interested by Islam to be with you then he isn't a real Muslim so make sure he is genuinely interested because you might not even end up marrying him even if he converts as your parents might not allow it and he might end up leaving Islam because he had no solid reasons to be in Islam apart from being with you.

    Inshallah Allay will help you find your way, by the way I'm not sure how long this post will be on here so read it quick - reason being is because my posts keep getting deleted off this site, even though I don't write anything offensive.

    May Allah guide you.

  2. Hey Sweetie

    If u are not happy with ur husband because he mistreats u not because u are attracted to another man then may consider a divorce. Leave this as the last thing try and work things out with him first and tell him that if u continue to make me feel like this then I would much rather leave u.

    If u divorce just to marry another man then it will be become a "habit" maybe like whenever u are angry with ur husband u will compare him to another man u are attracted to and then get a divorce marry the next man etc..

    Marriage is not easy love u it requires care and attention and sometimes go through hard times just think carefully before you act

  3. Assalam-Alaikum,
    Sister things don't automatically fall in place in your marriage you have to work on them. To be honest there is not a single concrete issue you have mentioned about your husband, except he does not want to have kids and needs to say that he loves you. I think he can start saying you that he loves you once you guys start talking and inshaAllah his mindset can also change about children. These phases come on people.

    I cannot be more clear than this, that you are wrong in this situation. You are having an affair with another man and asking us if you should take divorce. To me it looks like you are not having the attention which you used to get because of your beauty before your marriage, and you feel lonely because of that. Your need for attention is being fulfilled by this atheist guy and now you are willing to leave your husband because of that.

    I would suggest break any contact with this man and work on your marriage. I hope your husband is convinced on having children that will give you some distraction. Also you can try to take some classes or hobbies that don't mix with opposite gender. Also please try to get treated from a psychologist who can help you deal with your desire for attention that is leading to a life of sin.

    Sister, this man can either be pretending to be interested in islam just to get closer to you and have his desires satisfied or he might be really interested in islam. If its the first case, then you know the answer. If its the second case he might convert to islam and would soon realize his mistake. And once he knows that you are a married woman, he can never trust you. How can he trust you once he knows that what you did with your previous husband.

    May Allah guide us all and grant us saleh spouses that are good for us in this world and hereafter.

    @Asim After reading your post I understand why your posts are deleted. I think your current post also deserves deletion.

    • I totally agree with concerned ukhti..

      I'd just like to add, technically you're cheating on your husband.. It just seems as though you're doing wrong to the Man you're talking to as he doesn't know you're married.. so you're deceiving him.. as well as cheating on your husband.. It's not nice..

      Have a conversation with your husband.. he needs to understand how serious the situation is.. and what it's leading to.. and inform him of exactly how you feel..

      It may well be that your husband isn't aware of what you are feeling.. you need to make him realize.. at least try a lot more before giving up on him

    • Dear sister,
      I feel your pain as it sounds like...my life exactly. So first dont let anyone make you feel bad or guilty, I believe you have done everything a woman can do, and at this point the blame is 100% on your husband...people seem to have double-standards because if you were a woman telling your husband you dont want kids I am sure it would alarm people...but because you are a woman it seems people believe you should be subject to these types of cruel threats that affect the rest of your life.
      To the poster who said there was nothing concrete...I believe a man who has no love or interest in his wife...he is far worse then any man because he torturing her in the most cruel way by simply acting as if she is not a human, her soul is non-existent, and degrading her being into nothing.
      Far better if he was controlling or atleast acknowledged you, because then there would be some explanation, here basically he is showing this girl that she is nothing...not a human or even an animal worth his time.
      The fact that he says things like that show inside he is a sick man with no priorities.
      He doesnt love you, care for you, or have any interest in you and you are as good of a woman he will every get, leave him. You have shown everything a woman can do to fix a relationship and it has not worked.
      It is hard, but he deserves it and you deserve a chance for happiness. Do not for a second feel guilt over your new aqcuaintance, your human you also deserve some happiness in life, but make sure you do things the righteous way and pace things out.
      I think its unrealistic for people to advice you to be miserable, I see so many woman in their late 40s and 50s who did that and they are bitter angry women (probably liked your mother in law).
      Be strong, my duahs and affection is with you....I feel your pain more then I would like to admit.

  4. Salaams,

    Firstly you are a married woman, it doesn't matter how 'bad' things get, you are married and therefore forbidden to be consorting with any man who is not a mahrem. Of course being unmarried, one is not allowed to mix either but it's so much worse if you are married. Before I got to that part, I felt sorry for you.

    Even with your best intentions to refrain, this will inevitably lead to adultery. It's like alcohol, in small doses it can be a benefit but because human beings cannot control themselves and over-indulge so it is forbidden altogether. The guy is trying to woo you with his interest in Islam, although only Allah knows best if he is at all sincere. It is not for you to enlighten him, he can refer to brothers at the masjid or any local Islamic centre or bookshop.

    Remember beauty is only skin deep and it is only there to satisfy human beings and is not something Allah measures us by. With regards to you being beautiful and of great personality, it depends on who your audience is. However it could be possible that your husband is jealous or insecure which has lead him to be cold towards you. Or even an influence from his mother.

    You need to establish why your husband is acting this way by confronting him instead of looking elsewhere to have your beauty acknowledged.

  5. I understand that you are mad at your husband but rethink about the other men because honestly is so much better to be married to a Muslim person then any other race because if they even treat you badly at least they will satay with you. None Muslims u never know when he is going to leave you. The reason I'm saying this is because I have friends that been threw this and things got worse. I would talk to my husband till him how you really feel then if things don't work out again then you should marry a real Muslim men. I hope my advice help you a little bit.

  6. sister,

    I perfectly understand ypur plight, it isnt easy to live with someone who ignores you and who doesnot give you the attention that you needs. In this case when u feel rejected you go to a sort of moral torture and Islam as per Islam a woman has full right to ask for her disvorced if she isnt happy in her marriage, that your right dear.

    However as far as this atheist guy is concern i would not advice u to leave your husband for him because as all the brothers and sister in this post said he might be attracted to islam only because of u so his conversion to islam would not be due to his love for islam but because of u. Moreover he doesnot know that you are married, once he knows that, he might no more be interested in you. so if you are leaving your husband because of him don't. But if you are living in a loveless mnarriage and if your husband is bend on not changing himself and oblige you to stay in a loveless and childless marriage and if he is not ready to change after your talk to him, then better to leave him than stay binded in an unhappy and loveless marriage

  7. Sister, i hope everything works out for the best.
    Have you broken off contact with this non mahram?
    Have you talked to your husband about these issues? Often a little bit of communication in a marriage does wonders!

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