Destroyed my life…..Depressed
I'm 15 years old girl and live in India. I used to be a much better person before. Now my conscience has just died. No matter how much I want to, I don't feel guilty or ashamed of my actions.
I masturbate, lie, don't pray salah, feel like a hypocrite. Everyone thinks I'm an awesome Muslim whereas I'm not. I also got addicted to porn but stopped watching it and now I don't watch it anymore . The problem is I stop masturbating, lying and everything once in a while but even when I stop it it's not coz I feel guilty it's just coz I know it's wrong. I just don't feel ashamed of my actions. I stopped masturbation again and again but I start it again. I pray and then then stop praying. I'm not consistent.
I think Allah has left me to myself now. I've disobeyed him so much. I used to feel guilty whenever I made the slightest mistake and would cry and make tawbah to Allah but now I'm just empty. I started hating myself and my life and started self harm (now I've stopped) but I used to think of suicide all the time.
I have many friends but nowadays I'm just depressed all the time. I'm also a hafiza-e-quran and still I disobey Allah. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm frustrated with myself. I can't even talk to anyone about this.
I know it's all my fault but every time I try to be a good Muslim I fail. I wear hijab and my family is quite practicing and everyone thinks of me as a good Muslim but inside I'm a monster.... I don't know what to do with my life. I'm just depressed all the time. Allah won't forgive coz of my repeated sins and lack of conscience...
misty26
8 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salama Aleikum misty,
MashAllah you recognise that something is not right. That is the very first step to finding solutions to the problems you list.
Firstly you're 15 years old and have done many good things. Allah swt has enabled you to memorise the Quran and your friends and family think good of you. Why shouldn't they? I am sure you are good to them and that they love you.
You have mentioned a few things; you feel empty inside. One of the consequences of commiting sins is that they make you feel empty. You have tried to stop several times but have found it difficult. The fact that you try means that inshAllah there will be a way for you to completely cut off these sinful activities and live a life in accordance to how God Wants you to live like. You're not happy when you're committing these sins. You feel lonely, ' hypocritical' and empty.
One way of keeping away from this is to occupy yourself and not leave time for the shaitan to attack you. Read the translation of the Quran, make dhikr and listen to talks about how to purify your heart. Set out on a project of self-improvement and growth and if you falter at any step pick right back up again. Be busy with family and friends and find good activities to do- charity projects, house decorations, painting, exercising and school work. Motivate yourself.
You're not a bad person at all. Many people struggle with the problems you're facing and Allah swt Will not leave you on your own as long. As you repent, do not lose hope and keep improving yourself.
Make up a plan and tell us about it. Others will be able to learn from your experience.
Good luck little sis!
"The one who repents deserves that Allaah grants him relief and a way out.”
- Ibn Taymiyyah Rahimahullah
Majmoo’ al-Fataawaa, Volume: 38, Page: 35
Assalam Alaikum Sistes... Please I'm also need advice...
I'm Ashamed of my past and my sins, I feel so lost...
I am in my early twenties, but then I realize that I had so many sins. I have a sexual relation with my ex, I lied a lot to my friends and my family, I forget to pray, I feel like a hypocrite. Oneday when I feel really frustated I went to a party. Someone gave me some drugs ( I don’t know what it is), at first I refuse to tried it but then I tried it, I never used drugs before, but I feel ashamed if I'm the only one there thats not try the things. The next day, my closed friend acted really stranged towards me. I think that night they might found out about what I did, my secret, and everything. I think people at the party recorded what I did and put it online, and its horrible. I do remember a little, about my repulsive thoughts toward my friends, my sexual relation with my ex and my family problems. I never been honest about my feeling or my thoughts towards them before. I don’t want them to get hurts because of my horrible thoughts. Now, my friends don’t know who I am anymore neither do I, I hurts my family because they know I'm no longer their innocent girl, I feel so lost and ashamed. I know its sound strange when I tried to go back to Allah after the drugs accident and after being humiliated in public, but I do regrets all the things that I’ve done, even the things before the drugs accident, about my horrible thoughts, my lies, my sins for forgetting Allah SAW. I already asked for other forgiveness and Allah forgiveness but still I can’t forget what I’ve been done, its haunts me. Now I tried to be a good a muslimah and forget about the past, but I still feel lost, and scared of other people judgments. I feel so digusted with my self and my past.. I'm scared of not finding a good husband because of my past and will die alone..
Assalam Alaikum Sister!
Like Hopefulsis said, the fact that you wrote this post means that your conscience is alive, why it shouldn't be, Allah blessed you with such a wonderful gift of Hafiza. You should feel blessed. The other facts you mentioned, believe me if Allah didn't love you he would have revealed these sins to others, but the very fact that he kept these secret from others is a blessing from him. Don't feel depressed, you must be a nice person, otherwise other people wouldn't think like this for you.
And believe me every person has some good and bad sides, we encourage the goo and try to get rid of bad, but sometimes Shaitaan get over you, it does with everyone, even the religious persons. Like the Prophet said, "Every son of Adam is a sinner, and the best of them are those who repent". Just try your best to keep away from sins. And ask Allah to forgive you and give you courage to fight against NAFS and Shaitaan. And let me tell these feelings that Allah is punishing you for your sins etc etc, are also from Shaitaan. First he leads you to committing sins, and when you do it then he comes again with these ideas to restrain you from repentance.
Astaghfar daily minimum 100 times.
I start praying but I just can't keep it up...I ask my friends to remind me and ask me if I've prayed or not and they do ask me but at first I tell them the truth whether I'm praying or not but then I stop praying and just lie to them by saying that I've prayed Salah ....I don't know how to keep it up
Assalamualaykum Sister,
You are chosen one from Allah to have an opportunity to memorize Quran, mashaAllah.
I would recommend you two things as previous posters tried to cover on this.
1. Make yourself haram to stay/sleep alone in a room or in a house.
2. As you have mentioned you have stopped watching porn, but whenever you feel you are mind is going towards those thoughts/waswasas recite 'Audhu billahi minashaitan irjaeem' and try to start thinking about something else or go just go and sit with your family. Recite surah Al-Naas when you get these thoughts. Most of these issues are related to day dreaming or thoughts that run, so try avoiding it and do constant istighfar. Be honest with you, I know that you are in your mid teens but mashaAllah you are mature enough to be steadfast, you have initiated and took good step by writting this post, now with this courage try to be punctual with salath and act like a responsible muslima.
We don't know when death will knock at our door, we don't want to be in the middle of this sin and Allah taking your soul.
My little sister, be strong, firm and dedicated in deen and in worldly matters. We need sisters like you for our coming generations, especially in this age when we have lost our identities mainly due to our own actions.
May Allah keep you a chaste women, and increase your rank in both worlds.
Assalamualaikum WR WB sister and all those reading this coment.
First of all never give up in the mercy of Allah for ALLAH is Ar-RAHMANIR RAHIM (The Most Merciful, The Most Compassionate). His mercy is over any sins you do. In chapter 39, verse 53 of the Quran Allah says "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."
All I can say is keep asking ALLAH for forgiveness of your sins and keep asking Him to help you stop you bad habits and keeping asking Him to help you pray 5 times a day consistently.
And just keep trying to stop your bad habits and keep trying to pray 5 times a day. The fact that your wanting help on this website and the fact that you have made attempts to change yourself is evidence that you sincerely want to change yourself. No matter how many times you fail just keep trying to change yourself and InshaALLAH eventually you will be able to change yourself. It may take some time but InshaALLAH you will be able to change yourself. It is not impossible WALLAHI (I swear to God)! Do not despair in the mercy of Allah or think about harming yourself because these thoughts are from the Shayteen WALLAHI (I swear to God)!
My sister in Islam keeping making dua to ALLAH and just keep trying to change yourself no matter how many times you fail.. you will get there InshaALLAH. DO NOT despair in the mercy of ALLAH and NEVER EVER give up on yourself.