Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Devastated by Wife’s Secret with my Brother

My wife committed zina many times with my brother 20 yrs ago. I recently learned of it. I feel devastated. She is supplicating me to forgive her and to keep her as wife, but often I feel disgusted when looking at her.

I have two grown up children.

What do I?

PLZ help !
Thanks.

Tsunami


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29 Responses »

  1. Bismillah hir rahman nir Rahmeen

    Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah Brother

    Naturally your feelings are very valid, one can only imagine the anger and hurt you must feel. Considering her sins were committed 20 years ago, I feel it's better for you to ask yourself, 'what would be most beneficial to myself in the hereafter?' .. For those who have been wronged (assuming your wife did this while you were married and not prior) and you forgive for the sake of Allah subhanhu wa tala , He will forgive you on the day of Judgement.

    As with any test in life, this is much easier said than done. When you look at your wife try and see the good in her and not her faults. Make excuses "she was young", "she was dumb", "she was weak", "she didn't know any better", "she's a loving committed wife" .. Insha'Allah. Don't let the Shaytaan use this to destroy your marriage. You have 20 years together Masha'Allah, yes what she did was wrong, but its' the past, perhaps she sought Forgivness from Allah subhanhu wa tala for it.

    Your best bet is to rise above the occasion, by that I mean, you are her husband despite her wrongs Insha'Allah, YOU can help her and direct her to what will be better for her soul in the akhira and InshaAllah be rewarded for that. Please have a look at this link Rulings on sins committed against other people before being guided , use it as a guide to help your wife to get closer to Allah subhanhu wa tala.

    Your options are many and many actions can be justified. But do yourself a favor and pick a path that will be good for you in this world AND the hereafter. Count your blessings, talk openly to your wife about how you feel but be calm. Keep asking yourself "how will this benefit me in the hereafter?".

    May Allah subhanhu wa tala make it easy for you, give you strength and bless you with Jannatul Firdos for being merciful to others...Ameen

    Umm Abdullah
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalam-Aleikum Sister,
      Although I agree with what sister Umm Abdullah said that the brother should do what is best for him in this world and hereafter.

      But I am really amazed the way the advice is given normally on this forum.
      1- If a sister has a husband who commits zina the sister is advised to leave the husband. Which i think is really really fair.
      2- If a sister has a husband who physically abuses her then the sister is advised to leave him,
      3- If a sister has a husband who is not able to provide her in good way then the general consensus of advice giving sisters is to leave the husband and do not waste your life.
      4- If a sister's husband is not good looking/ loving enough to her or supposedly she did a marriage 5 years ago without her likeness and now she dislikes the husband or likes somebody else the general advice is to leave her husband.
      5- When a sister's husband is asking for second marriage, the husband is bashed so much as if he is committing some big sin.

      And when a brother's wife, who does not need to earn money for him, who does not have any power to physically abuse his husband. Whose most important job is to keep chaste. When she does something like this, brother is advised to think of excuses for her. subhanAllah.May Allah have mercy on all of us.

      Brother I do not have any words for what has happened to you. My heart aches and I can only make dua for you with tears in my eyes. That is may Allah (s.w.t.) give sabr to you and help you resolve this situation in a manner which is best for you in this world and hereafter. Given the situation where its difficult for you to go out and seek advice from an Aalim. I think one better way can be to go on the website:
      http://www.islam-qa.com
      which sister Umm Abdullah mentioned and ask Ulema there about your situation in detail.

      regards,

  2. Salam brother,
    I am so sorry to read about your situation. I am sure you feel extremely betrayed. May Allah give you strength and wisdom to make the right decision, ameen. Brother, firstly I can understand you must be feeling devestatated. She is your wife, the mother of your children and how could she do this with your own brother? It's painful to accept, but brother let's look at the bigger picture.

    You have been married for 20 or so years and I am assuming that you lived a happy life with her (if not, your marriage would have collapsed ages a go)? Also, you have 2 beautiful grown children from her. Even though you feel disgust and contempt when you look at her, think about it this way, what if you forgive her and this very action of yours pleases Allah SBT so much and he showers his mercy on you on the day of judgement and forgives all your sins? Wouldn't we all want that?? If you forgive her and tell Allah SBT, ya Allah I am forgiving her only to please you even though my heart is in immense pain but because Allah you are merciful to those who are merciful to his people, I forgive her. How great is that!? You might have your akhiraat saved brother! This noble act of yours will not only increase uttermost respect in your wife's eyes for you but also in Allah SBT's eyes also. Brother, it's not an easy decision but do bear in mind, this happened 20 years a go. Try to be calm and place yourself in her shoes, would you have liked to be forgiven if you had done such a thing 20 years a go and sincerely repented from it? Brother, do not ruin your life, be the better one here and try to forgive her. I am not taking sides and I am not at all condoning her behaviour. What she has done is awful and evil, but if she realizes and has sincerely repented and NEVER went back to that path again, then try to build some room in your heart for her again brother. As I mentioned earlier Allah SBT will be very pleased for you and I can gurantee you, you will have something beautiful awaiting for you on the day of judgement. Don't listen to the whispers of shaitaan, think of Allah's mercy. He forgives us endless times, let's try to forgive someone for his sake. I am sure it will do you immense good in the akhirat, inshAllah.
    Stay strong brother!

  3. Assalam-Aleikum Sisters,
    Although I agree with what sister Umm Abdullah said that the brother should do what is best for him in this world and hereafter.

    But I am really amazed the way the advice is given normally on this forum.
    1- If a sister has a husband who commits zina the sister is advised to leave the husband. Which i think is really really fair.
    2- If a sister has a husband who physically abuses her then the sister is advised to leave him,
    3- If a sister has a husband who is not able to provide her in good way then the general consensus of advice giving sisters is to leave the husband and do not waste your life.
    4- If a sister's husband is not good looking/ loving enough to her or supposedly she did a marriage 5 years ago without her likeness and now she dislikes the husband or likes somebody else the general advice is to leave her husband.
    5- When a sister's husband is asking for second marriage, the husband is bashed so much as if he is committing some big sin.

    And when a brother's wife, who does not need to earn money for him, who does not have any power to physically abuse his husband. Whose most important job is to keep chaste. When she does something like this, brother is advised to think of excuses for her. subhanAllah.May Allah have mercy on all of us.

    Asslam-Alekum Brother,

    I do not have any words for what has happened to you. My heart aches and I can only make dua for you with tears in my eyes. That is may Allah (s.w.t.) give sabr to you and help you resolve this situation in a manner which is best for you in this world and hereafter. Given the situation where its difficult for you to go out and seek advice from an Aalim. I think one better way can be to go on the website:
    http://www.islam-qa.com
    which sister Umm Abdullah mentioned and ask Ulema there about your situation in detail.

    regards,

    • Salam concerned,
      I dont think you understood my rationale behind the advice I gave to this brother. I do not at all condone his wife's behaviour. I do however believe in mercy and forgiveness, especially for something that has happened 20 years a go and the person has repented and never returned to again. I know it's extremely difficult to do though but that is where the real test comes in.

      I disagree with you when you say:

      "But I am really amazed the way the advice is given normally on this forum.

      1- If a sister has a husband who commits zina the sister is advised to leave the husband. Which i think is really really fair.
      2- If a sister has a husband who physically abuses her then the sister is advised to leave him,
      3- If a sister has a husband who is not able to provide her in good way then the general consensus of advice giving sisters is to leave the husband and do not waste your life.
      4- If a sister's husband is not good looking/ loving enough to her or supposedly she did a marriage 5 years ago without her likeness and now she dislikes the husband or likes somebody else the general advice is to leave her husband.
      5- When a sister's husband is asking for second marriage, the husband is bashed so much as if he is committing some big sin"

      These type of situations are mostly posted by women on this forum. I have not yet read a post here where a husband has claimed that his wife abuses him, treats him ill, takes drugs, etc. If we were to encouter such a situation, the same advice would be given (at least from my part). I am not here to differentiate between the sexes, I am trying to look at the bigger picture. What is better concerned, for this brother to punish his wife for committing an act 20 years a go that she has now repented to and never returned to again OR to punish her and leave (i.e.: divorce). I KNOW it is NOT easy to do, but if we keep ourselves tangeled in the situation and not look at it from a larger perspective, we often make the wrong decisions. I do not condone her behaviour and I realize what she has done is haram and evil. The way I see this situation, it seems like a test has been put forth for this brother. Maybe for this brother, forgiving his wife will be something that will be very difficult to do, maybe that's why Allah SBT put that very test on him to see what he will do. I am only advising for forgiveness here based on 2 things:
      1.) This act took place 20 years a go
      AND more importantly
      2.) His wife has repented and NOT went back to that evil ever since.

      Now you tell me concerned, should she be punished for something she has REALISED and never went back to again? Wouldn't it be better to forgive such a person than to punish them? Aren't we all put in this world to be tested by Allah SBT? What if this very act of forgiveness creates a place in jannat for this person, inshAllah? I think if that were the case, EVERY Muslim would forgive any injustice being done to them in this world. Let's not try to get gender involved here, rather let's focus on the larger picture. I am not looking at the fact that it is a he or a she that committed the sin. Instead, I am focusing on the details and situation here.

      If this brother softens his heart and bestows his mercy on his wife, I can GURANTEE you Allah SBT will have something great stored for this person in the akhiraat. This is because Allah is merciful to those who are merciful to His people.

      At the end however, it all depends on this brother and what he feels.

    • concerned, if you're referring to the advice given by Editors on this website, then you are wrong. We do not blankly advise women to leave their husbands, and we would certainly never advise a woman to leave her husband because he is not a good enough provider, or not good looking enough, or because she simply does not like him. And I don't think anyone else here is giving such advice.

      In the case of a husband or wife who commits adultery, every situation is different. We do not have a policy of saying either, "Leave him," or, "Forgive her." It depends on the situation, when it happened, how long ago it happened, and most importantly whether the person has repented and shown genuine remorse. Other factors to be considered are whether the person can still be trusted, and whether the spouse who was wronged can find it in his/her heart to forgive.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • As salamu alaykum, concerned,

      I am really surprised by your comment, I have gone through quite a lot of this site, and mainly when the woman´s life or woman and children´s life is at risk is when the advice is to leave, please read carefully the comments, domestic violence is something very serious and many women are killed daily for that, when you are living in fear, life is hell and you don´t know until you go through it, you can listen to them and do you think they are just there doing nothing or bothering their husbands to hit them?, you should stop yourself a bit while listening to this women´s post and put yourself in their shoes, that can really hurt, specially when you have children around watching while you are being abused. And if you watch carefully with other kind of problems the advise is to try to work out the marriage.

      If someone reads your comment will have a wrong idea of what the majority of the people of this site thinks about marriage and the treatment that women and men receive here, I do encourage you to read deeper the site.

      And related to second marriage in this site, remember this is a site where people normally wants advise or help because they have problems, used to be together with secret marriages, lies and punishment, then at that point, would you believe is something to be proud of? There are many, many comments made about polygamy and many of them are extremely well exposed and documented. If you take a while reading them you may change your mind about what you are talking about.

      Certainly, it is like we are talking about two different sites, you can not judge for reading a couple of comments, there are already 1,127 questions answered with a media of maybe eight comments each approximately(some of them have more than 100 comments and others maybe just one, you can make yourself an idea), you will need a while to read them and then you will be able to give an opinion based on real facts, insha´Allah.

      Other factor, I would like you to understand is that we are not the same and being respectful anyone can share their opinion, then being tolerant is something to appreciate in all of us, at the end, the person will choose their own way following their own values, the comments will show them different views that they will have to ponder them, and they will do what is the best for them insha´Allah.

      All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • MashaAllah beautiful response sister Maria! If there was a 'like' button I would have pressed it here. I was quite speechless at his comment to be honest..

    • Assalam-Alekum,
      @Questioner tsunami:
      Brother I never meant that this site does not give any good advice. I have seen some really good feedback from the questioners where by Allah's mercy posters at this site helped solving many problems. I think my point stems from the observation that to many of the answers the majority of repliers are sisters, they have one mind set which is quite different than brothers. I mean its easier for them to put themselves in shoes of a fellow woman than of a man therefore their advice can have a tilt towards the same sex and I think the same is true for men. Case in point is this post where out of 11 posts before this post 9 are from sisters. And most of them have asked you to show compassion.

      The reason I asked for islam-qa was because to me information provided by you didn't seem sufficient.
      1- Did your wife has stopped this behavior?
      2- Has she repented herself or you came to know from third party and then she started to ask for forgiveness just to be in your home.
      and many other questions and I didn't feel it appropriate to ask you for these details.And also I didn't want to put bad ideas in your mind about your wife. instead I referred to the site where you can ask the question in more detail and hopefully more anonymously. And then perhaps advice from this site and the other site and can help you to make decision in a better way.

      @Sisters, this 'gang' effect is exactly what I was talking about, 11 posts 9 from sisters and 2 from brothers. And most of them saying the same point.

      I am not saying that compassion is the answer or brother should leave her but I think getting advice from other men will also help the brother as you can imagine its extremely extremely difficult for a spouse to tell someone that his/her "other half" cheated on him/her.

      @Helping Sister,
      I never used the word punishment or anything similar to that. And never said that brother should leave. Also, respectfully I think your point for "His wife has repented and NOT went back to that evil ever since." is totally an assumption which stems from your natural disposition towards another sister in islam. And the opposite of your assumption can also exist we don't know about it.

      @Wael:
      Brother I am not blaming editors or anybody I think this site is great, but my point is that: advice should be taken with the grain of salt. Yes, I have seen posts where people have been advised to take their wife for a candle light dinner to discuss things after she committed zina repeatedly and see where things lead.Or leave the husband since he watched porn or he has taken some naked picture don't remember the details. I just want to request sisters to show the same compassion in their advice which they show towards sisters when there is a brother on the receiving end, since sisters are in the majority here.

      @Sister Maria,
      I have not seen all the posts and I don't have any statistical proof, but I think I have explained myself before about the way I think of posts over here. Sister,

      And lastly its just a humble request to the sisters as they are majority (w.r.t activity again no numbers), men are not that graphic and detailed in their descriptions as normally women are. But please please do not equate their lack of description with the lack of their pain/suffering.

      regards,

      • Concerned,
        You are right in regards to my statement about her repenting and never turning back to the sin.

        However, I want to make one thing very clear to our brother who posted this question. Brother, I know this is an extremely difficult time for you and very painful also. You are justified in leaving her if you cannot find a place in your heart to forgive her. No one here is forcing you to forgive her, we are just showing you different perspectives.

        At the end of the day, you know best if it's in you to forgive her or not. You will not be considered someone evil or cruel for not forgiving her if you find you cannot. Most sisters here were just suggesting that it would best if you can forgive her based on the premise: IF she has realized her sin and never went back to it (as it has been a long time since the sin has been commited= 20 years), only then should you try to forgive if. Her not going back to the sin shows her realization and regret for her wrongdoing. If however she has still persisted in this sin, then by all means you are absolutely justified and correct in leaving her. Both ways, it is entirely up to you as you know your situation best.
        My duaas are with you. May Allah swt give you strength and wisdom to make the right decision, ameen.

      • Salaams concerned,

        Feel free to finish your sentence anytime you want if you want, ....someway, I am feeling your pain, too.

        There is nothing personal in my answer, I have learnt to talk based on facts and in my own experience, I have done my choices in life trying to be fare, compassionate, loving and respecful, as much as a human being can be and Allah(swt) allouds me in my imperfection, Alhamdulillah.

        Because we are different, we enrichens one to the others. When we arrive to this site, we are looking for something, we want to listen or be listened or both things, and all of us are making a difference in the others life. I am learning from you and you are learning from other, the fact is that we all are trying to improve and move forward in this Life, one shoulder with the other one, insha´Allah.

        Thank you for your Presence, Barak Allah Feekum.

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Typo: What is better concerned, for this brother to punish his wife for committing an act 20 years a go that she has now repented to and never returned to again OR to be merciful and forgive her?

  5. I dont know why everyone has written the same section as 'concerned.'

    Salaam brother tsunami
    I am sorry for these difficulties that you are facing. The way you are feeling is understandable, and you are within your right to divorrce her as this is a major sin! However, It was a long time ago, and it would be immense reward for you if you could forgive her and get past this, and keep her as your wife. If you show mercy on her, then InshaAllah, Allah swt will show mercy on you.

    However, I know that this may not be possible for you (or for any inthis situation). I think if you are not sure if it is possible, you should try to forgive her for this. BUT dear brother, if you cannot you should let her go.

    Forgiving her means: - letting go of the past, not bringing it up in later arguments etc. Complete forgiveness will take some time, but you are also within your right to divorce her if you cant forgive her, as she transgressed bounds.

    However, I would strongly recommend doing istakhaarah before you make a firm decision.

    Here are some links of how to do istakhaarah dua according to the Sunnah.

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/power-of-salat-ul-istikhara/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/istikhara-in-the-light-of-the-sunnah/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/salat-al-istikhara-in-arabic/

    I pray that Allah swt helps you through this difficult time and guides you to make the best decision
    Ameen
    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com
    Editor
    x

    • I agree with sister Sara :). Istikhara sounds like a great idea in this situation!

    • I do agree with you Sara.

      Ameen to your prayer.

      María

    • Salaam. One thing though. I understand it must be easier said than done. It would be extremely difficult for me to forgive, and I would be devastated so only you know my dear brother whether you are able to do. I know this advice of forgiving seems a bit 'idealist.' Like helping sister said, if she has repented and is remorseful, forgiving her may be the best thing, if you can. We cannot tell you what to do, the choice is yours brother.

      I pray that Allah swt eases your pain, helps you make the right decision and forgives your wife.
      Ameen

      Brother concerned.
      I understand that it can seem a bit female dominant. We are not feminists - honest. But like men hide their feelings and say less, and are a bit 'harsher', I feel as sisters our responses are only natural. However, unless there was abuse or beating mentioned, I would offer the same advice to a sister in the same situation (if hes remorseful and she can forgive him, she should try - if she cant then she should leave.) Yes I agree with you on that, sometimes sisters in general dont take note of brothers pain due the fact that they express themselves less. I dont know about this situation, but I will be aware of that from now on InshaAllah.
      Sara
      Islamic Answers.com Editor

  6. As salamu alaykum tsunami,

    Thank you very much for opening your Heart the way you have done, I understand the deep pain you are going through and that this is a time where your life is falling to pieces, you wonder what was your life about and if you really know her, I see all the anguish that consumes you, that is why I am so thankful you had the energy to write to us to share your story, Alhamdulillah.

    I can see the deep Love that you feel towards her too and that is what is going to guide you to look for healing the wounds that this has caused you.

    Forgiveness comes from Allah(swt), only Him will bring Peace to your Heart through Forgiveness, only Him has the power to Heal all the wounds, Alhamdulillah.

    I will share with you a very personal time of my life, it was a time of big changes where all the lies that were around me fell down to the floor leaving me completely devastated.

    I had a strong pain, a long time ago, I wasn´t able to forgive, I rationally said to myself many times I have to do it, I have to forgive to move on, but I couldn´t do it, I had a strong fight between my mind and my Heart, my Heart was so broken that everytime I had a thought about it just bleeded without stopping, every day I prayed God to show me the way to Forgiveness, I surrendered to Him because at this point I realized it wasn´t impossible for me alone to do it. One day, after praying I just realized not only that I had forgiven, I realized I was loved and I was able to love, Alhamdulillah.

    I learnt that the only way to get out of this kind of situation was looking and accepting people the way they are without veils, this way we can truly learn to love them and forgive them, and, of course, the main and primary lesson, Forgiveness comes from Allah(swt), all the rage, impotence and other feelings, will transform through the tears and surrendering into Peace, Forgiveness, Compasion, Unconditional Respect and Love, that also come from Him, alone, insha´Allah.

    Give yourself the time you need to moarn your pain, but please always put your Heart in Allah´s Hands and talk to Him directly to tell all what is going on with you, you need to know He is ready for you, try to be ready for Him, insha´Allah.

    May Allah(swt) bring Peace to your Heart. Ameen.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. Assalamu Alikum Warhamthallahi Wabarakathu Brother,

    So sorry to hear you going through this devastating situation.
    Istikharah at a time like this seems like a good idea. Nonetheless, personally, i think you should forgive your wife. If she sincerely asked for forgiveness and regrets what she did, then theres no point on still thinking about it.

    You seem to have only have found out about it, think about how married life was before this. Think of those special moments you had..is she worth forgiving??
    If you forgive then inshallah, allah(swt) will also forgive you on the day of judgment.
    also think about your children... are they going to be happy separated from both of you??

    Choose very carefully as it will definitely effect the rest of your life. May Allah(swt) guide you in this matter.

    Hope this helps bro.

  8. Salam tsunami,
    I just wanted to say that its your prerogative if you want to leave your wife or be with her. But whatever you do, I'll request you to please do not expose her or your brother's sins to anybody. The reason I am saying this is because all of us are sinners and on the day of judgment Allah will conceal our sins if we conceal someone else's sins.

    Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Allah will cover up on the Day of Resurrection the defects (faults) of the one who covers up the faults of the others in this world".
    [Muslim].

    I think if a person truly repents then he/she does not indulge in the sin again and if a person is still committing a sin then I don't think the repentance is sincere. You must be knowing better if your wife has repented or not.

    Also if you decide to keep her and forgive her then I think you should not mention her sins again to her or to anybody for that matter. Because that is true forgiveness. And if you think that you cannot stop mentioning her sin after you 'forgive' her, then I think you should think of some other solution as I think its not fair to anyone to be constantly being reminded of their sins ss its not fair to you of being reminded of her betrayal to you.

    Some thoughts. Praying for you.

    regards,

  9. I think it's totally unfair the way the people give advice on this site. Really biased comments and I for one am sick and tired of this biased and sexist set of views we see on an Islamic site?

    In questions where brothers have done the same, the sisters are urging the questionners to leave their husbands/bfs, but when it's vice versa the man should stay with her? Is it because women are more vulnerable?

    Please give the same advice to the men and sisters, it's kind of disgraceful that people are asking a man to forgive and forget his wife's sins, but the same people then urge the muslim women to leave their husbands?

    Tell me what is worse, a woman committing zina with her brother in law or some man hitting his wife or failing in fulfilling one of her rights? The zina is way way way more serious and that I doubt anyone can dispute.

    • Salam John Fisher,
      I somewhat agree that advice on this site is sometimes quite biased. To your last point,

      "Tell me what is worse, a woman committing zina with her brother in law or some man hitting his wife or failing in fulfilling one of her rights? The zina is way way way more serious and that I doubt anyone can dispute."

      Its interesting and I'll like to hear what others think of this on this forum?

      To me it looks like since most of the posters live in western societies where Zina is something preached and considered to be 'Awesome' and is not against the culture,society and country's laws.Perhaps we as humans become use to something which we see all around us and therefore our minds become used to that filth. And when an act as filthy as Zina happens we tend to play down its filth and tend to think of compassion,mercy and other beautiful things in Islam.

      As far as domestic violence goes, since its a huge taboo in the western society and there are laws against it. Therefore its easier for the posters to bash this heinous act after all when they bash someone with domestic violence they are following the culture and the islamic laws. And I know this that when my cultural practices coincide with islamic law then I am happy to follow islam but I should also follow islam when it goes against my culture.

      regards,

    • As salamu alaykum Mr Fischer,

      I believe you include yourself inside of the people that give advice on this site, don´t you?

      Please, don´t generalize. As I did with concerned I urge you to read the whole site to talk properly, insha´Allah.

      That really sounds to me that you are extremely belligerent today, then I will let you alone with your thoughts. You have that fight inside of yourself, decide it by yourself.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. Mr. Fisher and Concerned,
    I am new to this site and have read three posts of adultery committed by a man. All the responses were for the questioner to pray istikhara and try to forgive. To forgive and to make a rational decision. There was no pitchfork mob encouraging the woman to divorce her husband. And to you "concerned"... I was born and raised in the USA and I and all other muslims do not find zina 'awesome'. what a vulgar thing to say about ur brethren. A muslim- a true mu'min- is just that wherever he/she may be.

    • Asslam-Alekum mama,

      I am not referring to muslims, I referred to western society which considers it be normal. Please read it again. Also my intention was to not take attention away from the problem, since there is no other way to post on this forum therefore I posted at a point where I felt its relevant.

      regards,

      • Ok, and i have re read the post. You said 'posters'. Not westerners, which is what i consider myself to be , but i assume you meant kuffar?

  11. By the way, Tsunami, I apologize for the attention "concerned" has taken away from ur plight.
    My advice is that since this happened so long ago, base ur decision on how ur wife has treated you all the years since it happened. Was she a good, nuturing ,chaste woman? Did she fulfill her duties to you all these years? If it happened yesterday, I would've told you to let her try to make it up to you before you make a decision.

  12. My wife did the same thing 5 years back with my cousin brother and has confessed this two days ago on my 35th Birthday. She was forced into it as my cousin brother who is a very powerful and influencial person. She has asked for forgiveness. She has a positive side of her and i cannot overlook the good things that she has done for me, my parents and my children. She has been with me through thick and thin. I have 2 beautiful daughters from my 15 years of marriage and I don't want them to feel the effects also. My blood was really boiling as to why this has happened to me, but after further discussions last night I have forgiven her completely and have decided to move on with life. I have left it in the hands of Allah SWT, I am sure to be rewarded for this in the hereafter.

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