Did I do the right thing be cutting all contact with him or should I have been there to support him?
It is only Nikah that makes a man her Mahram
Asslamu'Alikm
Brothers and sisters, this is my first time to ever write about my issue to a website, but I'm in need for advise and someone's Islamic opinion about this.
I am a religious girl who loves every bit about my religion and always try to avoid doing anything that can upset Allah. I pray and read quran everyday. I have always been very strict about the idea of a friendship between girls and boys, although i went to mixed schools and university and had to work with guys at certain times but i always tried my best to maintain boundaries, this is because i want my husband insha Allah to be the only one in my life.
My problem is that 4 years ago one of my relatives introduced me to one of the guys she works with, however it wasn't like a date thing or marriage purpose, she just sent me some stuff with him and i had to meet him (with my sibling) to take it from him. since then i got to know him and we talked, but never in a relationship way or love, he's from back home but we stayed in contact over FB and e-mails for all these years, and at times he used to call me. our conversation were never about loving each other, but we used to talk about work and family and see how each one of us is doing.
from my side i liked him and thought maybe we could get to know each other in a respectful way and then when i finish uni he can come and propose, he never said or mentioned this to me, but i thought because we talk that's what it should be like, then why otherwise would he talk to me. my lack of experience with guys lead me to think or maybe see things in a different way than he did.
just recently he told me that he's in love with this girl from back home too, and that he's dating her. from that day i couldn't stop blaming myself for trusting him, i felt like a fool for thinking when a guy talks to you it means he was serious, especially that he showed nothing but respect to me.
As soon as i knew about the other girl i decided to step back and cut all contact just for her sake. I deleted all our conversations and cried so much for getting into something and chatting to him for so long without knowing what he really wanted. maybe i got the wrong signs but he always made effort to contact me and that's why i thought maybe there was something.
After deciding to cut contact, he wrote to me but i ignored and then kept contacting me by calling, i got worried so i picked up at some point and he told me he was having issues with his girl and that he wanted my advice because i was his closet "girl" - friend.. because i liked him so much i stepped on my feelings and thought if he will be happy and really needs advice then i shouldn't be so selfish.. and i gave him, but he kept contacted me by message chatting every time that he had an issues and i just couldn't take it
I felt so bad for her, i felt so bad that Allah may not like this, especially that i know that he doesn't like me that way, then why we should keep in touch it's haram, so i told him that i don't like the fact that you talking to me, your girl wouldn't appreciate this, and if i was in her place it will really hurt me. and one day i just did estiakhara and the next morning i told him, i wont talk to him any more cause it's not right and i want Allah to bless our marriage lifes in the future so we shouldn't talk because i don't believe in this idea of friendship between a girl and guy and so i blocked him.
since then he didn't contact, the thing is i feel lot better, i did this because i made a mistake in allowing it to go so long without me knowing his intentions from the beginning, also because i really need to move on. it hurts so bad, and everytime i think about him, but at the same time i don't know, if i overreacted on this because maybe he will find out that i liked him
i kept it as a secret because there's no point. But i don't know if i did the right thing or not, i keep thinking maybe i let him down, he needed my advice and i only thought about my feelings.. please help me, i'm so lost and thinking too much, i just want to move on and top worrying about whether i hurt him or not.
~ moon
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salaam,
i think you should have kept in contact and give him advice but after they found a resolution step back and explain that this was what you thought and think now he might understand and step back and inshallah you will be doing the right thing Allah swt knows best nd i know thats the past but try and get in contact and say sorry 4 ignoring and if he still needs help then your here if not then explain why you did leave and hope that allah is happy with you and then step back leaving him at ease and you not feelin guilty
Assalamualaikum sister moon,
As I read your story, I thought the end was going to be BAD, until I read "and so i blocked him"
Subhanallah! This is the perfect thing you did, my sister.
As a human being, it was natural for you to like him after you spent a lot of time with him, which was wrong in the first place.
But when you increased your conversations with him, it could have lead anywhere. You could have been involved with him in a Haraam relationship. The Shaitaan had worked his way to lead you to it, but Allah Saved you from his trick.
Allah Is with you, my sister. Be satisfied that you were Saved against your biggest enemy. Many people fail to understand this and cross all the limits, such that they commit Zina. You can read many such stories here on our websites. Read them to take precaution and keep yourself away from the sin of Zina.
You need not feel bad for not helping him. He'll find his way. But if he tries to contact you, say this "I fear Allah and do not wish to contact a non Mahram man". Also warn him against the Shaitaan, because the Shaitaan may put him into committing the sin with the girl he likes.
But you are not responsible for it. It is his life, he'll be held accountable for what he does. So, rest assured and thank Allah that He Saved you from an evil.
Keep yourself on the Path of Allah, and in sha Allah, you'll always find Him when you stumble.
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Great answer, brother. Alhamdulillah!
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam sister
i think what u did was correct n prevent urself from following the footsteps of shaitan.i must say ur courageus i dont even have the heart to tell a guy i love, to let me go i dont want to be with u n all.may Allah reward u for what u did was only for ALLAH's sake n in sha ALLAH He will reward n bless u in numerous ways that u cant even think of..
since then i got to know him and we talked, but never in a relationship way or love(friendship), he's from back home but we stayed in contact over FB and e-mails for all these years, and at times he used to call me. our conversation were never about loving each other, but we used to talk about work and family and see how each one of us is doing. (cultural understanding)
from my side i liked him and thought maybe we could get to know each other in a respectful way and then when i finish uni he can come and propose, (cultural misunderstanding/norms) he never said or mentioned this to me, but i thought because we talk that's what it should be like, then why otherwise would he talk to me (because he considered you to be a friend?).
i felt like a fool for thinking when a guy talks to you it means he was serious, especially that he showed nothing but respect to me (he was serious..he thought of you as a friend). A friend. A person with cultural connections, and understanding of "back home". Nothing more. A sister, a person who could give him a female perspective into his relationship.
You however wrapped yourself up in the fuzzy blanket of happily-ever-after based upon blase conversations, and "back home" cultural norms and failed to see that his interest in you was nothing more than that of a brother upon a sister. I mean honestly...when the butcher at the halal market enquires as to my health and the health of my children and chats with me about the latest world events should I take that conversation to heart and decide he and I should be married, even though those conversations happen daily? No. Am I expecting a proposal from him? No. It's called a conversation. Nothing more.
Sister Lydia,
Aren't you being a bit harsh with our sister? You point is valid, but harsh. Maybe as a woman you have a better perspective on this than I, but it just seems a little flippant to me. This is far from a conversation with a butcher, this is young muslim woman who is coming of age in a difficult world, trying to navigate through it in a halaal fashion. Trying to find her way. Revealing her anguish and misreading of the situation over a number of years.
She now realizes her mistake, and needs confirmation that she did the right thing and comfort for her hurt feelings, not condemnation for seeing something that was not there.
Those who read this will see and learn from it, as has sister moon. I see no benefit in belittling her.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
"but we stayed in contact over FB and e-mails for all these years"
I'm flippant? She stayed in contact with a man that she was not allowed to be with/talk to by her words "for all these years" and I'm flippant? Flippancy toward Islam might very well be summed up by her statement above. Yet, apparently she is pious????? She cut him off. Yeah. When it wasn't going her way, which is fine as ego protection is concerned, but not so much an example of piousness.
I'm harsh? I'm just pointing out what I see in my own opinion as to her confusion between culture and religion. Sorry if I burst her cinderella bubble or something, but I doubt she's that naieve. She's been on facebook long enough ("for years") she's no virgin to "society" as it is. I'll not boo hoo for her. I also seriously doubt this man is her only friend on facebook either. Call me cynical or call me "harsh" but I seriously doubt he, her mom, and her aunty are her only friends on FB. And she's at "uni" but still that unknowing? Hmmm....I call BS on all that.
Sister Lydia,
I hope you have brothers and sisters who will support you compssionately should you ever faulter.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ameen.
I second your Dua AmericanMuslim
Sub7anaAllah... Where is your empathy Lydia? The sister is only asking for a confirmation on whether what she did was right.
Not every girl is as tough and sure-know-how to deal with men in general. I have never had any male friends in my 28 yrs of my life and when I came across one I sure did fall into confusion as to how to deal with the situation.
We (girls in such a situation) can very easily misread a man's intentions.
I agree with the sister and believe that there is NO friendship that exist between a man and a woman.
So Sister Moon, I believe you did a great thing by stopping all communication with this man. May Allah SWT make it easy for you InshaAllah and stand firmly on your ground.
You did the right thing sister, if he ever tries to get back in contact make sure he can't don't let yourself fall into the trap of the shaitaan.
Assalamu alaykum sister mashALLAH what you did was right. ALLAH will reward you for it inshALLAH.
Salam sister,
I believe you did the right thing. In your heart you knew it was haram so you "blocked him." I applaud you for your bravery against yourself. Besides pleasing Allah, you have saved youself alot more heartache and proven yourself very wise. Inshalla I can be so brave one day too, but at the present, I am in a haram relationship and it it causing much hardship. Inshalla a long and wise life to you sister! Allahu Akbar.
Sheerpera
may allah make it easier for you too sister
You did the right thing he wasn't to be trusted PLEASE DO NOT EVER CONTACT HIM. NOW MOVE ON.
Sister i urge you to be careful who to communicate with on Facebook and often there are a lot of cheaters out there please do not ever get friendly with any guys may this be a harsh reality wake up call for you allah save you COUNT YOU BLESSINGS.
Where is your empathy Lydia? The sister is only asking for a confirmation on whether what she did was right.
At the end perhaps it was right. But her "years" worth of conversations with this man was wrong. She is only repentant of these conversations/un Islamic relationship when it DID NOT work out for her in her favor. If they ended up married, would we hear even a squeak from her? No.
After deciding to cut contact, he wrote to me but i ignored and then kept contacting me by calling, i got worried so i picked up at some point and he told me he was having issues with his girl and that he wanted my advice because i was his closet "girl" - friend.. because i liked him so much i stepped on my feelings and thought if he will be happy and really needs advice then i shouldn't be so selfish.. and i gave him
So she went ahead a rekindled contact despite cutting him off in the first place because she didn't want to be selfish? All the while fully knowing he had a girlfriend??????
I felt so bad for her (but spoke to her boyfriend anyway), i felt so bad that Allah may not like this, especially that i know that he doesn't like me that way(not because it was wrong per say, but because the man in question wasn't that into her), then why we should keep in touch it's haram, so i told him that i don't like the fact that you talking to me, your girl wouldn't appreciate this, and if i was in her place it will really hurt me (yet the poster wasn't hurt while giving advice to a man she shouldn't have been talking to in the first place.)
This is all I'm trying to point out....can't have it both ways. I'm not evil or unfeeling, I've just been there and done that and have really mended my ways. But in this circumstance I honestly see a woman who wanted something she wasn't allowed by religion and society or circumstance to have. I see a person who is confused between her wants, her culture and her religion. Yet, I don't see her as a mere innocent either. She allowed re-contact to occur, and though she'd like us to believe it was because she was "worried", I for one know better. She allowed re-contact because that was her desire (she caved to her naf). She may have cut him off, and perhaps she will trully repent that which is in her heart, perhaps not.
Thanks for the duas brothers and sisters. May we all go in peace this day.
Thank you so much my sisters and brothers in Islam, I appreciate all the support you have shown, and insh'Allah may Allah swt reward you all for all the care you have shown me, I needed your wise words to keep me strong. I can say Allah has been there with me and I feel it because everyday I feel stronger about what I have done.
Sister Lydia, thank you and I truly appreciate your comments from the bottom of my heart, and you are right I am foolish for seeing things only from my way. And right now, I wish I had known you before I had fallen in this sin. Yours words are harsh but I respect each and every single word. Now that I've opened my eyes to what it was truly all about, regardless of the reasons that caused me to opt out, I can see the true picture and I have learned alot from this mistake. But wallahi, when you're inside the box, your are blinded of 'love' not realising that the true love, Allah has already showed us the way to it. The reasons I have made this final decision is because I also thought of things the way you did. Now it's been a while and he's totally out of my life, I don't regret it and if I was given the option of whether to block or not, I would of blocked again and again and again.
Thank you all, w JZA alf khair insh'Allah
Slam
@moon
barakAllahu feek. you did the right thing by stopping communication with him.
may Allah give you and us good in both the lifes.
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!