Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have different ideals than my family

Assalamu'alykum brothers/sisters,

I need help from all of you on a situation I have been going through for the past 8 months.  Ever since me and and my girlfriend broke up (who I wanted to marry and was working on my degree), I have blamed my mother (because she didn't like it and complained a lot which drove me crazy) and now I have a certain hostility towards her.

I speak to her less now and the rest of the family is noticing it as well. Every time my mothers says something which I don't like or does something I don't like, I talk to her in a way which I am implying that I have hate for her. Two weeks ago, she said something  negative in relation  to my degree and career and now I am not speaking to her. Everybody is angry at me, and they are asking why. I forgot about my ex but I feel like I blame it because of my mother.

I pray and make du'a to Allah(SWT) to help me overcome this and make me a better muslim, son, brother, man. I have been depressed because of this and it is affecting my life, my school, and my family. I want to talk to her but at the same time I don't. I think about the future a lot and what bothers me the most is that if I start looking for a wife in the future again, my mother will start the complaining again and won't like it. In addition, since I am Desi, there is that feeling that my mother will expect the future wife to do every chore, cooking, take care of the house, etc( the traditional stereotypical role of a wife in a desi family). And I don't want that because I want a traditional/modern muslim wife. I may not know the future but I feel this will likely happen because my mother nags at my sister to do everything.

Because of these s0-called issues, I am not talking to my mother, I don't feel happy in the house, and I want to get out. I have different ideals than my family. I want a separate place for me and my future wife inshallah and not live with them. However, in desi families, this is considered as abandonment and I haven't told this to my parents because I already know the answer since they do want to be taken care of. All these thoughts is hurting me and my family.

Brothers and Sisters, I need your advice, your feedback on what should I do. I do want to mend the relationship with my family back together. I want a happy family, happy future with none of the stereotypical desi problems when married. I know for a fact I am a good man but I have lost myself in this breakup and thinking about the future. I do pray but I still don't feel happy. Please, I need your opinions. Jazakallah


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19 Responses »

  1. Tell me about the abandonment. I am a desi bahu who hapns to live in a nuclear family since my in laws owned just a 1 bedroom apartment. My husband and my brother-In-law had the living room couches for beds, yet our nuclear set up after our marriage was looked upon as a devastating wreckage of a happy family . Its been over a decade and I'm still the woman who stole her son. You are right about fierce insecurity most Indian and Pakistani mum-in-laws possess and I think this how we are tested as children and children's spouses.

    I also perfectly understand your anger towards her since your breakup. Trust me I have been down that lane too. my father broke my engagement with my longterm sweetheart (which was btw a family affair after much persuasion). This anger has not generated from the frustration of the loss but I somehow believe it has stemmed out of bitterness from betrayal. When we love someone or aim passionately towards a goal we naturally expect support from those who are close. we expect them to rejoice with us and no dream of marriage is complete without the image of your family and friends celebrating with you. The stab which I suffered is still sore as fresh and oh btw I have moved on

    the priceless question is how do u serve those who have lost your trust and have left in your heart with either vaccum or resentments. Some people told me to forget and some to forgive. some even tried hard enough to make envision my father's funeral and it did make me cry and perhaps I have forgiven him but my subconscious prevents my heart to trust the same character again, who remains abashed and unchanged.

  2. (sorry my previous post got published by mistake, this one is a continuation)

    ...You could call it reflex. I hope your damage is not as severe as mine coz in my case my relationship with my dad was always strained. if your relationship with your mother was sound and a loving one before this then you can hope this state of mind to change. what you need is closure and you can only achieve it by confronting her. After your breakup, I think you were expecting some kind words of sympathy from your mother which never came your way as I assume that could be because she didn't want to be directly blamed although she is well aware of her involvement in all of this.

    I don't want to waste your time in lecturing you over the haram(ness ) of the relationship which you had but at the end of all that hapns what remains with us is what was written in our destiny. As far as your iimpression of your mother is not tainted with the toxicity of your current condition you May consider living with your compatible wife in a nuclear home where she will not have to put up with your mom's behaviour or succumb as a victim of her negativity as your ex did. plz try to forgive your mother as she bore you and raised you. her shortcomings no matter how destructive to you it May feel or as annoying as it May be at the end she is the same woman who took fatal labour pains to bring you on this earth.

    just try to fix things with dialogue. take professional help if required and then if you are still convinced after the closure that she won't change then you can feel free to move out with your future wife. our religion does not stress upon living in joint families.

    just don't let the thought of abandoning her give u the sense of poetic justice.

  3. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour” [al-Isra’ 17:23].

    Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents. His mother bears him with hardship. And she brings him forth with hardship…” [al-Ahqaaf 46:15]

    Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly” [Luqmaan 31:15]

    It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: A man came to the Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) and said: Which of the people is most deserving of my good companionship? He said: “Your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your father.”
    Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5971) and Muslim (2548).

    Ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with them both) narrated that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Three men went out walking and rain began to fall on them. They entered a cave in a mountain, then a rock fell (blocking the entrance to the cave). They said to one another, Pray to Allaah by virtue of the best deeds that you have done. One of them said, O Allaah, my parents were elderly and I used to go out and tend to my flocks, then I would milk them and bring the milk to my parents for them to drink from it, then I would give some to my children. One night I came home late and found them sleeping. I did not want to wake them, and the children were crying at my feet. I kept waiting and the children kept crying until dawn broke. O Allaah, if You knew that I did that for Your sake, then open a way for us through which we can see the sky. So a way was opened for them…” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2102; Muslim, 2743).

    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

    • Assalam alaikum,

      Brother, what does this mean in the end? From your post, I understand that we, as Muslims, have to hold our parents in very high esteem--and when it says "good companionship", this doesn't translate into blind obedience (which is reserved for Allah)--hopefully this is not wrong in how I view it.

      • @Deadelas1 - Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.
        @Saba- Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.

        I wanted to show how we must treat and behave with our parents.

        I do not say that we must just blindly follow what ever they say. We should learn about their rights and our rights. We should learn about the things where disobeying them in that would not be a sin. To be frank I have to learn more about it.

        @Deadelas1- be good with your parents. Just focus on obeying Allah.
        If you do not feel like speaking with your mother then keep that feeling towards yourself and just speak with her kindly for the sake of Allah.
        My brother if you follow Islam the way it should be followed inshaAllah everything will be fine. Then, you will be the best son, best brother, best husband, best neighbor inshaAllah.

        Start learning more about Islam. If you have knowledge then you will know how to balance between your parents and your wife inshaAllah. so seek knowledge from the right sources. If you know urdu then go to this link and watch this video -> youtube . com/watch?v=kBG7rCTTllk

        (remove space before and after the . in the above link and search)
        May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  4. Well, your mother was right to stop you from having boyfriend/girlfriend relations with this girl as they're clearly haram. So don't hate her for stopping something you're not even supposed to be engaged in.

    2nd of all, if you really want this girl, you're a man and you don't really need your mother's or father's approval to marry. Your mother has stated her opinion about this girl and that's her right to do. But you can take it or leave it as you want...

    3rd, you need to look at the bigger picture here. If you feel like your mother is too controlling and hinders you from doing things that you want to do (and that aren't haram), then you need to have a chat wih her and let her know where the boundaries are. I might not be from the Desi culture, but I can't imagine Desi parents being totally impossible to talk to. From what I see in my Desi friends, it's usually the children who're just too afraid to actually talk to their parents.

    • Salaam,
      My mother didn't like it because she was Indian/Muslim while we are Bengali. She believed that the girl would have destroyed me in my career and life. As a matter of fact, I was doing better in school and more motivated towards my career so I can get her hand. But of course it didn't work out. In addition, my mother felt jealous of me talking to her on Skype everyday and smiling with her. Instead of seeing her son happy and doing better in school and life, she took it as a way that she was being threatened.
      It isn't about the girlfriend I am mad about. It is the thought of experiencing this again or even worse when I am ready to marry someone. I don't want to live in the stereotypical household where the mother is the controlling factor and the wife is the servant who does everything. Besides that, I just don't want any enmity or jealousy towards my future wife and mother. I don't want to participate or be in a drama.
      Second, it is not afraid of talking to them. It is actually knowing the answer before you ask it when it comes to Desi parents. Like the majority, traditional Desi parents are stubborn and no matter how you tell or speak to them, it will go out the other ear. They will stick to their ideals and if their ideals are being threatened, they will use the "I raised you, brought you into this world, sacrificed everything for you" blackmailing method. I know this because my parents already said this to me when I was in this "haram" relationship. If I want to live separately, they will think it as abandonment and use the obey your parents rule, they come after Allah, especially the mother rule.
      I wish it was very simple for my mother to understand but it is very difficult. I have tried before and she wouldn't budge. Inshallah it gets better.

      • It's not "haram" to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, it is for sure HARAM to have such relationship, brother. But otherwise, I understand your points - I don't think anyone should have their life planned out for them and get blackmailed. As long as you don't do anything haram and you always try to explain things to your parents when they're disagreeing with you on no Islamic grounds - regardless if they will listen to you or not - you're entitled to make choices for yourself; and yes, sometimes parents will be very upset by that, but usually parents come around. At least you're not making the mistake that a lot of Muslim women, who've written to this blog, have: married someone just to please their parents, against their will - then a few months down the road decided that they will finally say no to their parents...when it's basically too late. I definitely don't think you should go down that road...and it doesn't sound like you want to...thankfully :).

        As I mentioned, you're a man and you're lucky in the sense that you in fact don't need your parents approval to get married. However, of course it's always nice to have your parents blessings...but that's just not always possible...

      • Dear brother,

        I feel as if your story is a carbon-copy of mine. I swear that each and every event you listed in your post happened to me too. My break-up was also due to my mom expressing her dislikeliness about my ex and my relationship.

        Like you, even I used to score distinctions while I was completing my engg, just to be a better person and ask for my ex's hand after my graduation. Infact, my case was the worst. My parents first expressed their happiness the time I disclosed it to them but as the time passed by, their inner feelings about my relationship showed up and after I graduated, they said to me the same things as your mom told you. They said: "We have raised you, gave you quality education, spent a lot behind your comfort and luxuries and still you don't give us a single chance to choose a bride for you..". My mom was the one who created a HUGE issue infront of my whole family when I tried to express her about asking for my ex's proposal after I graduated. And there I was ! Broken and shattered, even after coming up with a healthy and happy relationship for 3 and a half years.

        And now, even my behavior towards my mom is the same as yours. I don't feel like talking to her even if I want to. It's been 7 months since I broke up and I've even gotten over it now but still I want an escape from my home, don't know why.

        So my point of mentioning all this, my brother, is that please try to be patient. Ask Allah to grant you patience. I won't be going with the lecture on PARENTS'/CHILDREN RIGHTS but would advice you to please be patient because afterall, she is you mom and you'll have to accept that either this way or the other.

  5. Greetings!

    I have a one serious question.

    I am a Filipina, Christian Woman, working in Dubai and my fiance' is a Muslim MARRIED Man. I met his family. His children are all professionals and his wife is good too! He wants us to get married in the Philippines, so he can also meet my family.

    The question is: How are we going to deal with the situation of marrying him knowing that he is MARRIED to another Muslim Woman?

    I hope you can enlighten me.

    Best regards,

    • Hello Anne,

      A Muslim man is allowed to marry upto four women, if he can deal with them all justly, so this should not be a problem, as long as he agrees to the condition. However, the problem is that you are not Muslim yet. This will bring a lot of complications in the future.

      Why not consider Islam as a way of life? Allah Is The One True God who Created you and me and we will all return to Him Alone. The obedient Muslims will be under His Pleasure and those who were not obedient will face the consequences. Jesus peace be upon him was His servant and His Messenger, like Muhammad peace be upon him is His servant and His Messenger.

      I invite you to learn about Islam and consider embracing it as your way of life. You can visit to learn more.

      Secondly, being a second wife is totally allowed, but you may have to see jealousy from his first wife, which is sure to happen. You must be prepared to face it with patience and justice.

      Should you have any more question, please login and submit a new post.

      Thank you.

      Abu Abdul Bari Editor

      • Hello Brother,

        Thank you for your response. I want to know what are the complications given in the future and what legal acts must we do to get married? Should she divorce his first wife to be married in the Philippines?

        I wish you can help me with this.


        • He can not divorce his first wife in order to marry you. Additionally, religion will be a complication - what customs to follow, prayers, rituals, etc. What religion children follow? (Children MUST be raised as Muslims), how do the children learn their religion, because mother is supposed to be the first teacher of the children.

          These are just a few, many more will arise with time. If the mother (that is you) is Muslim, all these complications will cease to exist.

          Legal problems may also arise for the fact that most laws of the land do not recognise polygamy, like Islam does. In the west, a woman can even sue her husband if he marries another woman, but there is no such thing in Islam.

          You can submit a new post as mentioned above, if you have any more question.

          Abu Abdul Bari

  6. Assalam alaikum,

    You are not allowed to ignore your mom/father or be mean to them at all, but you can marry someone of your choice and as long as you are dutiful to your parents, especially in their time of need (sickness and old age, etc), you are allowed to make that decision and will have to live with the fact that they may not initially accept your future bride--but by no means should you be mean to your parents or talk to them in a hateful tone.

    The fact that other family members have come to know your tone/anger is a cause of concern as they (family, siblings) may start to disrespect your parents because of you--that is a huge burden to carry. Try your best to make your parents understand, and if they don't, do your Islamic Duty to them (take care of them with kindness), but marry who you wish to marry (perform Isthikhara) and deal with your emotions with patience in a private manner (ask Allah for patience and do not display this drama publicly as you have been doing).

    As Muslims, we try our best to follow the Islamic rules and will be judged on the things that are in our control, not the things that are beyond our control. If you can't change your parents mindset, you simply observe your duty to them--that is your (our) test. May Allah give you patience and bless you with a pious wife, inshaAllah.

    • Jazakallah Saba,
      Inshallah everything gets better. I pray to Allah to guide me, help me, and give me patience ameen.

  7. Brother,

    I have seen many Asian men in this situation. You are not the first and will not be the last. My cousins mother was like your mum. But he was determined to get married to the girl of his choice. There were a lot of problems in the family. The cousin and the wife suffered a lot of hardship in the family. But the cousin didn't give up he was determined to make things better. Later his mother came around and understood him and his wife. They live in a seperate house but visit the mother and help her out as much as they can. And the mother knows now that if she wants everything her way she will only drive her son away.

    So don't stress about it too much now. Just concentrate on your studies and be kind to your mother because she loves you a lot, and you being unkind to her is hurting her immensely
    You will cross the bridge when you come to it. You will have to go through a lot hurdles but in the end everything will work out Insha Allah. : )

  8. Assalamualaikum Wahramtullahi Wabrakaatuhu Brother,

    Let me tell you what happened to me a a month back. I had this very heated argument with my mother on her calling my relatives and doing "Gheeba(backbiting)" our maid servant who left our house, promising to return and never returned, she was complaining to all our relatives about the "Good that we have done to that maid servant" ,"How my mom feels cheated" etc ..... in reality my mother is a such a kind soul that she would even cross the ocean if that is what it takes to help a person.. May Allah bless our mothers with long lives and make them the queen of our lives ,, I found this really disturbing and obviously I snapped and I could not control my anger and I felt such a surge of anger, I knew it was bad right then and there, my mom took the other extreme and decided to pack her bags and leave the house and all the time she was arguing that what she did was right and I was wrong in the way I used to "correct her". This just was fueling my anger and even though I tried to control my anger, I could not and since I could not burst out at her, I just thought well who cares and I stopped caring about her, not totally but when tries to talk to her I don't give her an attentive ear, it was a mixed feeling.

    I loved her but I did not want to take her seriously any more, after all she was going against Allah and I would give anyone up for Allah ... that was untill I saw something like this

    “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour” [al-Isra’ 17:23].

    UNBELIEVABLE,,, if you notice the second command after do not worship Allah is to be DUTIFUL to parents and Allah after the first sentence does not speak about himself in this Ayah, the rest of the Ayah is dedicated to Parents .. Subaha Allah , this just melted my heart and I wanted to cry at the mercy of Allah and felt angered at those who say ISLAM DOES NOT HAVE THE SOLUTION. I can go on and on on this Ayah, for this Ayah is so profound, but here is a short clip of Brother Nouman Ali Khan explaining it way better that I can fair.

    One profound thing that he mentions is that he says we complain that "Yeah bro, I Understand but you don't know my mother, she is desi blah blah blah"(I at that time was giving this excuse) , but he says something so profound he said that the father of Ibrahim(alai) literally threw his son in the fire,conspired against him, stripped him naked , cursed him , you name it he did it ... but how does Ibrahim(alai) address his father that is mentioned in the Qur'an "Ya Abathi (Oh my beloved father)", this coming from a guy whose dad went berserk over him WHEN HE REFUSED TO WORSHIP IDOLS.

    After contemplating on this verse something hit me like a ton of bricks when I complain yeah this ayah speaks about obedience to parents, but what about parents who disobey Allah and then Allah azzawajal made me understand this.

    ALLAH IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM KNEW ABOUT MY PARENTS, THE PARENTS OF PROPHET IBRAHIM, YOURS etc .... even before he created anything and even before he sent the verse [al-Isra’ 17:23]. as revelation in the Qur'an, he knew how demanding they are going to be, how unjust they are going to be when they call their children towards falsehood, how abusive some parents can be, how depressing some can be etc .... but he told that IT DOES NOT MATTER JUST OBEY THE COMMAND IN THE QUR'AN FOR ALLAH IS THE ALL WISE AND HE KNOWS EVEN WHAT KIND OF PARENTS WE ARE GOING TO BE TOWARDS US KIDS AND WHEN OUR KIDS COMPLAIN THE SAME THING APPLIES

    Now bro Ibrahim(alai)'s father and your mother line them up in terms of "crimes against children" and I would rate it as follows.

    1. Ibrahim(alai)'s Father
    3.Billion Light year
    4. Your mom

    Yeah I will tell you why because
    1. Your mother did not call to Worship others beside Allah
    2. Your mom did not abandon you, strip you naked,let alone throw you in a fire pit.

    All that your mom did was and to quote what you said

    "Ever since me and and my girlfriend broke up (who I wanted to marry and was working on my degree), I have blamed my mother (because she didn't like it and complained a lot which drove me crazy) and now I have a certain hostility towards her."

    She did not break up the affair, you presume she was the reason because she did not like it, you blamed your mother for it.

    But I urge first me and then you to fear Allah, the issue of disobeying our parents is not a minor offence, Allah would not be pleased with a person whose parents are not pleased with him. Some Ahadith to magnify the status of Parents in Islam. Disobeying parents in Islam is a Major sin. The deeds of a Muslim is not accepted if he is angry with his brother for more than three days, so what do you think will be the case of a person who does not speak to his mother, that too not over a issue of a deen, even though that too is a SIN, but over a matter which has not yet transpired(You mom will be demanding towards your future wife) and for a thing which she MIGHT have influenced(Your breakup).

    Brother how do you know that the GIRL WAS a good influence on you, you are saying you were doing good in College, Happy(When skyping with that girl) etc ... WHAT ABOUT YOUR AAKIRAH ? DO You think Allah was pleased with you ? A HARAAM RELATIONSHIP is not going to earn your Suhadaa or Siddiqueen points with Allah. I don't want to trivialize Haraam and Halaal, you should know better, if you want to play with fire(Haraam things that lead to HellFire) then you should also be prepared to get burnt for it, for the very nature of fire is to burn you even though it may provide comfort in times of cold...

    Allah says in the Qur'an

    But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.

    Perhaps what you liked might have been bad for you, hence Allah removed that thing from your life even though your liked it. Also brother please understand what happened was Qadr, it could have not happened any other way as it was the WILL OF ALLAH, even if you, your mother, the entire mankind and jinn kind got together to bring you and this girl together they will not be able to as only the will of Allah takes precedence all else is a manifestation of his will, so my question to you is this Are you angry at Allah for removing this girl from your life or you are angry at your mother because Allah manifested his will through her, in either case brother your are NOT HAPPY WITH ALLAH, that is the indirect implication and you are playing perfectly following along the footsteps of Shaytaan, when you mentioned that you wanted to talk to your mom, it is your Fitrah that does this, but then Shaytaan beats up your Emaan to pulp and makes you submit to him.

    Brother I know all may seem lost and depressing for you now, BUT I urge you to TRUST ALLAH COMPLETELY and make amends with your mother and ask for her forgiveness for being so harsh on her, yes even though YOU think she might be wrong.

    Ahmad (15577), al-Nasaa’i (3104) and Ibn Maajah (2781) narrated that Mu’aawiyah ibn Jaahimah came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: O Messenger of Allaah, I want to go out and fight (in jihad) and I have come to consult you. He said; “Do you have a mother?” He said: Yes. He said: “Then stay with her, for Paradise is at her feet.” Then a second time and a third time he said something similar on various occasions. Shaykh Shu’ayb al-Arna’oot said: Its isnaad is hasan.

    Do you not know that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent back a man who had migrated to join him when he found out that he had left his parents weeping? Abu Dawood (2528), al-Nasaa’i (4163) and Ibn Maajah (2782) narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr said: A man came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: I have come to swear allegiance to you and pledge to migrate but I have left my parents weeping. He said: “Go back to them and make them smile as you have made them weep.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood. And it is well known how important hijrah (migration) was at that time.

    An-Nasaa’i (2562) narrated that Ibn ‘Umar said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “There are three whom Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, will not look at on the Day of Resurrection: the one who disobeys his parents, the woman who acts in a masculine manner, and the cuckold. And there are three who will not enter Paradise: the one who disobeys his parents, the one who is addicted to alcohol, and the one who reminds people of what he has given to them.”

    Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh an-Nasaa’i

    Ahmad (24299) narrated that ‘Amr ibn Murrah al-Juhani said: A man came to the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) and said: O Messenger of Allah, I bear witness that there is no god but Allah and that you are the Messenger of Allah, I offer the five daily prayers, I give zakaah and I fast the month of Ramadan. The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “The one who dies in that state will be with the Prophets, the siddeeqs and the martyrs on the Day of Resurrection like this”– and he held up his two fingers – “so long as he does not disobey his parents.”

    Brother I love you for the sake of Allah, Please don't take my advise as something that is against you, Think of me as mirror which relfelcts yourself without any alterations and forgive me for the sake of Allah if any of the my words hurt you or caused you grief.

    Wallahi I am no better, I Have to work on my relationship with my mother and never stop to attain excellence in being her SON, I am not better than poster here as I sin differently from him. The only thing that people would be impressed with us is the way our sins are covered so efficiently by Allah

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