Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Difficult Partner

Worried women

Assalamualikum,

I am married to a man from 6 years who is like 7 years elder to me . We have been through our ups and downs from 6 years almost shifted 10 houses -5 cities and now we have moved to another country. My husband had been good to me 2-3years of marriage. He appreciated me and we had good sex life also.

Of late since we moved to another country from 1.5 years we have not been intimate with each other and he is always lazy and he just watches TV whole day . When I say him something we just end up fighting and arguing and he never gives me money when I ask him. He spends on me but I dont make him spend much on me except clothes and food nor he helps me in any household except vaccuming before we had maid to do all the things so it was not burdening me . In new country we do everything on own .

He doesnt help me , appreciate me, doesn't give me time , It makes me feel not loved at all , Gradually, my emotions are going off and I feel life is nothing but a punishment imposed. I married him with my own liking so I am forced to be with him and also considering my situation back home I married him as my father was sick.

I regret , I committed haram with him when he was not legal to me before marriage, I do repent everyday but its my past. I was not that wise and also was not so Islamic then though I had moral values. I thought its fine to get intimate with the one you love, which is wrong. But I regret and repent now. However, we married each other with the consent of our parents and our parents had no issues whatsoever then. Infact, even now my parents have no issues at all . Its between me & him that things are not right.

I love him but I can't take that he is being so careless with me  from 3-4 years almost but I used to ignore thinking he will change as time passed but it has only worsened  now and I need a kid and I can't force him to come and sleep with me . I am shy to tell , Its like begging him and I have lot of self respect, I am earning myself so that I don't have to beg in front of him and off late I quit work as my father passed away and I had to be back to India and stay with my mother who is alone now. He taunts me that I leave him and go & he is not even ready to understand the situation at my home, though he lets me go as I don't listen to him( I don't listen cause my mother needs me more than him now). He wants me there so that I can cook for him and give him food on time and clean his house . I know its my responsibility and I used to do all this before my father passed away and I am just away from him from a month. But when it comes to giving me rights he backs off.

Initially, when we moved to Europe and I found a job after a lot of difficulty as I had no European experience . He told me I am supposed to share house expenses as I earn on his visa.I denied coz he choses to live a lifestyle which is affluent and I never asked him for that lifestyle. We pay too much rent for just 2 people as he wanted to stay in a independent house and I was ok with small flat . He takes expensive cars and he wants me to share the expenses as he can maintain his lifestyle. I told him I am ok to share the expense if you want to buy a property for ourselves back in India and he says its not needed at this moment as he doesn't like to spend all his liquidity on an asset. The property we took 3 years back in India has been named on his mother's name and he took this after our marriage and when I ask him he says it's only for tax purposes. I am a finance graduate and I know his mother can easily do a gift deed to save tax and he lies to me stating that its for tax purpose only and he will change later . I kept quiet . But, now I just asked him hardly 20,000 rupees which is nothing for him and he says I should use from my savings and not keep asking him. I feel I am nothing but an unpaid maid now,

He has a problem with me staying with my mother as my mother is alone and my father passed away recently and it is not that I am going to stay here forever .I don't know whom should I choose. When its his mother she comes and stays with us and I have to do all the work but when we stayed in the same city as my parents for a while . He didnt even invite my parents once and he expects me to serve his mother all along. My mother is sad after  my father's demise. I regret not being with my father during his end times and I don't want my mother to face the same loneliness and I have no relatives. My sister stays with her and she is also seperated . I used to cope with him as my father used to be stressed about my sister already as she is seperated and also she has a kid and she has her cases going on in court already and even if I do the same my father wouldnt have  been  able to take.

I cannot stay with him/ though deep inside I love him but I can't stay like a maid without he giving me any rights of a wife- I have no emotional support( we don't talk to each other at all as I am busy with my Job and he is busy with his and when I want to talk to him. He just watches TV and also asks me to watch with him & I don't like wasting my time . He is always in his gadgets, He takes ipad even when he goes to bathroom. So even if I talk anything . He doesn't listen. It is like I am just talking to a wall and if I raise my voice he argues and we end up fighting and not talking again for days and again when we reconcile its the same repetation). I have told this many times with him but he blames me for eveything that I raise my voice so he doesn't like it. I raise only when he doesn't even give me an ear and when I am sweet to him . he just takes me for granted. He doesn't give me sexual intimacy- he is not at all active , After watching TV he just sleeps and I sleep at around 10.00pm. I call him many times to room. He is only watching TV and comes and sleeps at around 11.00pm or 12.00am . I sleep early as I have to cook and work again next day ( He has no problem with me working. He used to have before but since he thinks I will ask him for money . He is ok with me working for that) nor he gives me any rights- His properties are on his mother's name. I am not saying I want on my name but atleast he can keep on his name . God forbid If something happend tomorrow atleast I don't have to go ask his family and He knows I have a lot of self respect and when I ask him for my expenses he plainly denies nor he expressed he loves me and he calls me with names which makes me feel bad and when I say that to him . He says he is just teasing me and calls me with love. Who calls a wife with crooked names with Love. He never said he loves me from 4 years. He used to do first 2 years ( not much but still he used to do).

I dont know if I should leave him or stick on to him. He is not bad but as a husband he is not good to me ,My father has also passed away and my mother stays alone with my sister( my sister is not so responsible)so I feel bad for my mother that she has to do everything alone at her old age as my father left her. we have no relatives which he doesn't understand and I am an independent woman . I am dependent on him only for love even that he is not giving me. Should I stick on to him or leave him( Talking is not working anymore). I have done that already and I know its not easy for me to leave him or even live with him. Though I dont like the way he treats me but I still love him somewhere may be so I sometimes do miss his prescence may be I am used to him. I am now in India and I am thinking to reconsider this marriage. I never used to do before and I used to cope with him as my father was alive and he would be stressed. I have told my mother and my mother says- Do whatever you think is right for you and also I should add that he is not islamic. I pray my namaz but I can't force him as he doesnt hear me at all. He just simply ignores me when I give him religious lectures.He offers whenever he feels like and when he offers .he prays for like 2 hours and I am not sure which Namaz he offers too.

 

Please help & suggest.

Assalamulaikum,

Naheeda

 

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5 Responses »

  1. Sister i think you should talkwith him again about relationship if he does not care about relationship you should seprate it is better for you and it is best for your bright future .You should listen your husband when he say not stay at your mom,s home bcz in islam wife shoyld be act upon when husband say her but not act upon on wrong deeds but you should visit your mother but not stay too long with your mother it is true she is alone and need help but you should talk with your sister ehich is stay with your mother take care mother understand herbin polite way may be she understand that you live anothr country with your husband and difficult for you uo live with your mother ,you have not child and you want child but your husband does not want and careless about you so seprate and live life with your own will if your child born it is very difficult for you to seprate from him .I can undrstand you love him but you shoyld understand he does not love you if he love you he fulfill your needs and sex with you so when you seprate from him may be yoy would be suffer in depression but nake dua ALLAH help youband forget him forever and HE is LISTNER HE will accept your dua IN SHALLAH it is 100% wrong he take his ipad when he goes to bathroom may be he have relation with other women .

    • Assalamulaikum sis,
      Thank you very much for ur kind response. I am reconsidering this marriage again and also doing isthikhara in sha Allah. Not sure what's the outcome. However, I do have faith on Allah swt.

  2. Sister ,

    If you are from Bangalore in India then i can suggest you some good property consultants and marriage counselors .
    Each marriage will have its own challenges .I suggest you to work on current marriage .If you stay away it will further spoil your marriage .

  3. Salaam as a Sunni Muslim and married to a women Islamic scholar.. .My wife says that man has to take care of the queen...in other words provide a shelter cloth food and household work...the perfect example can be seen in the prophet Muhammad himself.Remeber life in this world is nothing more then a test for everyone up to your last breath...If this man is chasing duniya and not praying on time and and not making salah at mosque when he can...then there is problems...everything in ISLAM has a solution so we have to look at the problems.are we leaving a halal life.. .100%. Majority of people take INTEREST lightly consume doubtful food listen n watch haram stuff...what do you expect...Anyways if you are not happy you can divorce too...Islam doesn't burden restrict anyone....

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