Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Difficulty in getting married

When will a suitable proposal come my way?

When will a suitable proposal come my way?

Salaam,

I am a 28 years of age Muslim girl. I am facing a lot of difficulties in finding a marriage proposal. A lot of marriage proposals have come for me but none have worked out or progressed. I am in constant stress and depression but sometimes think that Allah doesn't love me and doesn't want to help me. Please help me and make dua for me. I don't know what to do. I'm extremely depressed and upset.

Please help me :'(

sanatahir

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94 Responses »

  1. Dear sister
    let me tell you my eldest sister was in similar situation. we were very worried to an extent that we almost lost hope of her getting married.

    Whoever came to see her always complaints abt her height though she is very attractive. My mother did every wazifa, every ayat and you name it every thing and every effort possible to make her rishta settle somewhere.

    My sister never expressed her grief but she used to cry in sujoods, perform nawafils, tahajjud and fasts on every monday. we were doing efforts for her for 5 dam years and those were not just efforts those were actually DIRE efforts.May Allah give Ajar to my Parents Ameeen

    Then one bless full day my mother received a call from one of the proposal who visited our house their son was pilot. She has recently got married and is soo happy MASHA ALLAH that i being a sister desire for a loving husband like hers.

    So sister the reason for telling this story is so that you can relate and be hopeful. keep on searching and at the same time keep on asking Allah. Cry in ur sujoods. Do tawbah all the time. In Short do every effort to Please Allah. Do zikr and read Quran. Keep urself busy in remembering Allah. Give zakat and do sadqa.

    I guarantee you from my experience that Allah will surely listen to you. Sister MIND MY WORDS. If you will devote ur self to Allah, Allah will respond to you INSHA ALLAH.

    please do act upon my advice as i have witnessed a success in my sister's and you will also get the best man in store for yourself INSHA ALLAH.

    KEEP PRAYING AND REMEMBER IN PRAYERS
    Jazak Allah and best of luck (Y)

  2. OP: A lot of marriage proposals have come for me but none have worked out or progressed.

    There is no perfect man or woman in this world. What do you think is the main problem that proposals for you are not working out?

  3. Salaam
    Please do not worry. I am 28 and divorced two months ago, I knew my ex husband two years and was still unsure but stupidly I ignored all the signs from my isthakhara and family warnings thinking I was getting older so I married him. My mother in law caused us so much pain and her insistence on divorce caused divorce in the end. My point is don't rush, don't worry have hope Al Lateef is protecting you by delaying marriage. Don't rush like I did and make the wrong decision for the sake of being married. I believe their is a better man out for me there who will honour and protect me, one I will respect and love. I have increased my ibadat and I know Al Muntaqim will make me victorious in the face of my enemies. Have trust have faith have hope have iman love his Oneness he is Ar-Rahman and Al Fattah. Call on him.

  4. salam, i am 31 year old Muslim girl and still waiting for a marriage proposal. i dont get any proposal hardly 2 or 3 people came but they said height is short or she is not that fair. i have done every wazifa but of no use. My cousins, friends and even younger one get married now parents of 2 to 3 school going kids. i am so depressed and think Allah dont love me and i will never get married. i am tired and dont want to live alone as i was always told since childhood that girls dont have any career but marriage/kids /husbands. why me? i neer made any bf neither do any zanah and pray five times a day. I also read Quran on daily bases. i dont know what to do now. My mom has done everything people told her and ask many people for rista. She also registered me in several marriage bureaus but they havent send any proposal yet.

    • i have done masters in English literature but wasn't allow to do job so at home for 9 years now. i dont know what to do. when billions of girls get married easily without doing any wazifa so why not me? i know many who get married twice or thrice. i am so frustrated now. i always dream of getting married and settling down in usa but i dont think any of my dream will come true. i hate life and myself now

      • People have become so choosy these days. Specially mothers of boys are becoming greedy. Even They want everything in a girl for their illitrate son. Dont know why.... I am doing C.A.... And proposals came for i.com . Matric. O levels. Only. Although my complexion is pretty much fair and i am slim . Despite of these qualities i have lost my confidence to face people further. Some friends of mine have dark complexion .short height but they have got married.

      • Change your life sister. I am single at 33 and im trying to make it beautiful. Maybe go to school for nre careers or get a new job and do your best so you make friends and have fame for hoe good you are at meeting people, dressing, personality and work. And save some money and travel. Instead of hiding yourself at home and school and work. Do everything and hide your life travels and good experiences so people don't envy you. Harmat main barkat.

      • Marriage is not sister.I am unmarried and used to think like that trust Allah.Do not hate your self because you are unmarried.After marry a man can give us a piece of paper called divorce. Are men worth it?

  5. I have a similar problem. I am 32 years old Muslim and highly educated and successful in every way in the world. Have travelled the world over, good family,good looking , slim, in short there is no reason for me not to get married. However, this is not happening and I am sevetely depressed now. I left my job abroad and came back to my home only to get married when nothing else was working. I always had guys appproaching me when I was abroad but none were the right kind and I didn't want any relationship that was not right. I protected myself from all evils and now I desperately want to get married, have kids and I don't know what to do. My mother has made so many efforts over all the years but the few proposals who call are way, way below my education or they wanted to settle abroad even when 10 yeats younger to me. I have lost hope in decency, our society and am constantly reproaching myself for leaving a well settled life only to go into depression

    • Phd-girl , Sister, It seems you are phd holder and probably you are judging people based on degrees (as per what you said). I feel its very difficult to get everything .I feel even a person with bachelors or masters degree who is well settled in his career can be a good match if you like him . I suggest you to go back to your job and don't waste time in your home county ..i guess its Pakistan ...you will some body .take a chance at some point of Time .

      • Thanks for your reply - I so appreciate it. I did judge people sometimes on degrees if they are complete strangers because I found that most men coming in for arranged marriages were insecure about my career and status. However, all people approaching me themselves had a Bachelors or Masters degree and I didn't mind that at all, but they didn't suit my family or were not settled at that time. I never had any shortage of proposals - it was just that none was the right one and my family and I have come very close to be cheated by the few people we actually considered. In my job, I worked 9-7 and then came home and cooked/prayed/watched TV. I never went to pubs or meeting places, so I never met any men apart from my work place where no one was a Muslim. I came back to my country then to have more time and opportunities but people are so materialistic and strange. Either they want a girl of 20 or money only or to be settled abroad. I don't meet any men here either and I don't know how will I ever get married. I am now thinking perhaps this will never happen. Who wants to marry a girl of 32, even if she is educated, religious and beautiful? 20s is the magic number which I don't have.

        • Phd-girl, I think its not a good idea to get a boy from your home country ..like for below reasons 1)if they are too much jn to culture they will feel not so good if their wife works abroad with non mehrem men and they don't earn much 2) if they don't bother much about culture and even not so practising Islam they will be behind your money and you need to support them whole life .they will sit at home n try to flirt with other girs ..
          I suggest you to try to find some body who is already settled there in US
          Atlest he will be sensible even if he is divorced . Most of home country will give only problems in your life ...all the best .

          • Thanks for your reply. Much of what you say is true and there are plenty of gold diggers around. I am much disturbed by the materialism in our Muslim societies - all one wants is more and more money and yet they pretend to be very religious. Allah knows hearts but I believe Deen is much more than talk - you have to strive hard to make your heart pure.
            I appreciate what you have said and I realize you said with a good intention. But I really do not wish to marry a divorcee - I can't accept it somehow, specially when I am getting single men proposals. The only problem is, none of those single men suit me. I believe marriage is a very hard decision, specially in our society where people are lying all the time and there is no way of knowing a man if you don't date, which I don't.

        • Salam Phd-girl,

          I think the main issue you're having isn't related to there being bad people out there but it's that your requirements create a very small pool of candidates.

          There are fewer men that get your level of education, of those men there are few that prefer a wife who will have a career that competes with theirs. And then even within that subset of men there are few that will want a wife the same age as them. The problem with age with women is that usually complications in pregnancy start at 34. By 38-40 having kids isn't recommended, so by marrying a 32 year old to start a family one has limited options in spacing the birth of the children. This and the reason that men are most attracted to 22 year olds at every age are the main reason your candidate pool would shrink further.

          The people that are applying for you are looking at the immigration benefits and education benefits that you can provide them. And in that sense yes, they do seem to be after something. Unfortunately, the way arranged marriages are setup, you are seen as a resume and what you offer is what is seen first, they aren't getting to know you and aren't pursuing you based on your character first.

          In any case, you will get what Allah gives you and perhaps Allah will provide a man that's of similar worth or maybe not. I hope things work out for you. Salam.

          • Thanks for your comment and for the hard hitting reality. You know, when I listen to things like this, I try to convince my inconsolable heart that I will never get married. Then, I dare to hope as Allah has always given me everything - sometimes late but I have never been denied and I believe in the power of prayer.

            I understand your thesis and know the reality of our society. But the fact is that I am too educated and intelligent enough to know when a man wants me or my money/status and I cannot respect such a man. The hard part is to to compromise on someone you know you can never respect, let alone love. That's how arrange marriages are done and I cannot think I would fit into this. I don't know what will happen to me - I cannot be not 32 and I cannot lie. So I can do the only option left for me - pray to Allah

          • Salam PhD-girl,

            So the point of the last one was that there aren't horrible people out there every where. Anyway, please don't think that you will never get married, that has never been true. You can get married any time you wish, it's just unlikely you will get the same value you're providing. Now that in of itself isn't a bad thing, it's actually a good thing. It means that Allah has placed so many gifts in you that you are on the giving end and not the receiving end. Others have the opposite problem and lucky for you, you don't.

            As for marriage, you need to look at what you can provide and see if the person you marry is worth providing for. See if he has good character, is religious, and is research capable to get along with your level of intellect.

            Also I would like you to consider something. People at the bottom of society, no one wants to be with, the average person gets the most choice in pairing up with someone similar as they are average. The people at the top, everyone wants to be with them but they don't want anyone but the top. Now imagine that you were like the prophet, pbuh. You pray, you have excellent personality, you are devout and close to Allah. Which spouse out there do you think could match you then? And yet, he still married and was good to his spouses, he did not complain that they did not match his caliber in terms of personality.

            I think the prophet, pbuh, pulled this off by having great humility and great appreciation. He saw the good in people, he did not fight evil with evil, and he appreciated the good and looked for it in a person. This is why so many loved him despite clearly not being of his caliber, and he didn't look down on them. Is there a man in whom you could see good that despite the fact he is not of the same caliber that you could appreciate him and be happy? If you can then great, you get about 30 more years in this life if it matters. Once you're 60, romance isn't going to be the same. Then after this life, God willing you'll be off to get married permanently with someone that does match you in the afterlife, based on your deeds.

          • Thank you for your response. I must say you have made me look at this whole matter from a different angle that I had not considered before.Jazak Allah for that.

            What I know for sure is that none of us know our destiny and that we can but hope for best from Allah. Eventually, prayers do get answered. I realize from what you have written that I should strive to gain more humility and try to appreciate the good in others more than I do. I think that living abroad and alone for a long time makes you protective of yourself and this makes you a bit wary of people. One has to give people benefit of doubt. I am prepared to do that now but I think I have to force myself to do so in an arranged marriage. I would have preferred knowing someone first, even by email. I never had the inclination to date or go out and mix with strangers and find myself stranded now but I believe Allah will reward me some time for being the way I was, In sha Allah.

            I shall try to follow your advice. Thanks a lot.

        • i must say that don't loose hope. allah is superior he knows what is right or wrong for us.

          I don't know when you will get married or to whom with you will get married but remember one thing that if you are good you will surely receive good in sha Allah.

          Second thing I am also at age of 32, good earning, good looking and my parents also facing problem to get a good purposal for me but it doesn't mean that you should leave your life.. It's your life live at it's best. Make busy yourself as you can, spread your knowledge around you may be most of the people are needy can get benefit because of your deeds. Do what makes you feel happy.

          And finally 32 is not over age in this time, you are now eligible for marriage. It's a start not end.
          Take good care yourself

        • Am very much interested to know you.

    • Salam sweety, your sound interesting. Download Dilmil Muzmatch Minder on your phone. Lots of rishtas. And dont worry, guys do want to know if your pray and your inrerest in making love/marriage. Just keep making the relationship and tell no one until it gets to marriage. This way incase it doesnt work out with you move on to the next. As long as you have intentions of marriage, you will sort it out with the man. It only takes 3 months to know how sincere he is.

    • Questions i ask.

      Am I attracted to the boy, by heart mind and body? Will this relationship last and turn it to marraige for both? Or is it just one sided? Am i being myself? Does He know me? Do i know him? Are we friends?

    • Can i just say that i totally understand that it is a sad sitaution but you point at your age or your level of eduxation is completely irrational to me. First of all, I would not come onto a forum to seek advice from people who you dont even know. You dont know who is behind the screen so to take their word and implement it in your life is stupid and silly. I just wanted to come on here and set the record straight.

      There is NO need for anyone wherever you are to be depressed about this. In the Quran it says that it is only those who disbelive who are in despair. So if you truly believe in Allah, why are you worried? Why are you desperate? Why are you seeking the approval of men or asking for opinions?

      I have seen every sterotype broken, and I am a muslim asian girl.

      1. My uncle who is a lawyer is married to someone who has 3 degrees, one of which is a phd. Both were 29 ish at age of marriage
      2. My freinds brother who is a dr married another dr. They were seeking a highly educated woman who was opinionated and intellectual. They have one daughter and her in laws are fully supportive and she is still specialising and she studies as well as having her family.
      3. I went to a wedding where the bride was 35 and a consultant cardiothoracic surgeon. She was a Dr too :), with regards to skin colour she was also much darker and the groom was fair skinned.
      4. From the top of my head i also know 6 other female drs who are marreid. They went to the BEST medical schools as well. They arent just the ordinary med students, they are fully invovled in all aspects of life and are modern and just themselves. One even does modelling as a hobby and shes pakistani πŸ™‚
      5. One girl is asian and she is a medical dr and is doing a phd and is married to a fellow dr
      6. A pakistani girl who is disabled in the sense that she has to use a wheel chair or crutches to walk got married to a really good guy. She was from my school πŸ™‚
      7. I know of divorced people who are females and have remarried. Not all but the ones who haven't are fully enjoying life and are not bothered about guys, but at the same time with the others, it was in their qadr to remarry and so it happened πŸ™‚
      8. I know of someone who is a dentist, divorced with 2 kids and remarried.

      I could goo onnnn and onnnnn but i would be here forever. Im just here to say that where I am from which is an asian community, being highly educated is a very desirable quality. You can have it all. You can have a career and be married. Just be yourself πŸ™‚ thats not to say for those who haven't got a career are less desirable, there are and I know of them but the only reality is you attract what you are. Yeah age and fertility can cause concerns but at the end of the day there are so many fertility drugs and tbh Allah gives kids to whom he wants.

      So just chill, it isnt the hunger games here. Your life is already written. If you are meant to marry someone his name is written in your destiny and likewise your name is written in his. You cannot miss eachother. So just chill and take it easy. It doesnt matter where you live, being successful and smart is a good thing so i don't know why ppl are tryna make it look negative. Allah has created all types of people and he controls everything in this world including your life. And for those men who say men like 22 yrs olds or less educated women, well you cannot speak for your entire gender. Allah created all types of men with different mentalities to you, so please stop being bitter. If you need to feel like you need to be a man with a wife who earns less etc, by all means do your thing. And to those women, when men come your way and for whatever reason it isnt working, remember it isnt a rejection its a redirection. Dont be desperate and dont just marry any old guy. Marriage is intended for life. So dont just rush into a random marriage. People marry at the right age and it doesnt even work out so chilll if you are in a different situation, its way more common than you think. Just because right now you only see yourself as single compared to others around you, well theres an even wider world outside your circle. Youll see theres way more diversity around, and so remember these stereotypes do not impact your life in any way.

      Take care x

      • A, you say that to take advice from people you don't know is "stupid and silly", then you go on to offer your own advice. You don't see the contradiction there? Wouldn't it be stupid to take your advice as well?

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Well if you look at my advice, i am not telling anyone to do anything other than to be themselves and be happy. I dont see why people need to mix marriage with careers or age or skin colour or looks or anything tbh. Its quite a shame that people state they have tawakul but yet they are depressed. Does not make any sense to me. All I have said is be yourself and stop overthinking. And my answer is proof that everyone should be proud of their achievements for it is Allah who has blessed them with their intellect and degrees, not just out of their own efforts. Their intellect is their rizq, so all I am saying is to not ruin themselves for another person. Just be yourself and chill. Being smart is a good thing. Being successful is a good thing. People respect you and rate you. If someone finds you intimidating then why would it affect you? Clearly not all men are made the same way. So yeah, my advice is applicable to everyone worldwide really, just continue being yourself and continue to become a better human being. Just dont ask personal issues to strangers on the net who could be sitting in some backwards country like saudi arabia where women in the name of islam arent allowed to drive (LOL).
          For all i know, soo many men (real men and not petty little boys) want a smart woman. So girls should stop being desperate, because that is soo unattractive.

          The only reason I came on here to type was after being shown this forum by a fellow friend I was in shock at the amount of BS. Everyone has a different mentality. At the end of the day, you will never know the faces or background of the people behind the screen. They wont even know whether you are dead or alive or pay your bills.

          To all those smart strong successful women, you are the product of successful parenting. Your parents are proud to have you as their daughters. When you are destined to get married it will just happen and when you have children, they will be smart and successful children. Better parents = better Kids πŸ™‚

          When it comes to askig for specific advice, ask people who know you, ask qualified people, and if not, look at facts and not opinions.
          For example is having a masters degree going to benefit me? Well yes obviously it will. So why complicate it? If its what you want to do, do it. You dont need to explain yourself to anyone. Do not put a specific question on the net, and then take someones word for it, because you dont even know who is behind the screen.

      • Thanks A. Your answer helped me. I needed to hear something out of the box.

        • No worries, just see yourself and normal. For you getting a phd is an achievement but its normal to you. So just see the world from your own perspective, have your own standards and dont settlte for anything less that you deserve. People are more picky with who their friends are and it takes years to have a best friend, but when it comes to husbands they are ready to take any man. Just dont be desperate, enjoy your life, grow gracefully. Take the advice you would give your own daughter. be whatever the hell you want to be, go on holidays, take that new job promotion, always aim to progress in life and not regress. You will eventually meet your soulmate and hey if you reach the end of your life and you hadnt, then that is not an issue. You know why? Because Allah will give you a spouse in heaven. So either way its a win win situation. πŸ™‚

          • Thanks A πŸ™‚
            I was precisely like that until few months ago. Maybe I will simply revert back to that devil-may-care attitude. Or maybe I will move away once again to have a new life.

            I am of the opinion now that one should not even ask "friends". There are very few people in the world capable of judging outside their own sphere of life. We are too quick to judge and condemn. From now on, I will ask Allah only (In sha Allah) who knows me best.

          • Its not about starting a new life, its simply living your life and embracing who you are. What you are thinking, your mentality and this depression over not having found the one is no life at all. You dont need go ask or explain yourself to anyone on the internet or anyone else. From my perspective I rate you for having a phd. I know soo many people who have phds and are married, so please dont disrespect yourself and be proud that you got your degree. Have some self respect and dignity. I just thought to actually comment because i find it so pathetic how people are actually blaming themselves for being single. And you are right in the sense that you do not need to ask people to find you someone. If they do and it happens to work out then great. If not then you dont need anyone to help you find the one for you. In fact you might meet this person at work and he might not be of the same culture etc. Theres so many people in this world and you only need one man. This is such an easy thing for Allah to do.

      • Love you sister for your highly motivational response. I was also sick and tired of all negativity displayed since I am also a woman who is 28 and unmarried. Remember Allah is greater than your problems. So chill and have faith in Him. That's the way of the believers. May Allah grant us understanding. Ameen.

        • May Allah ease out difficulties of all sisters who are going through troubles in getting married. Special duas for everyone out there. Please stay connected to Quran and dhikr (prayer, tahajjud). One great online source for learning Quran is Zaynab academy online for sisters. It's free and easily accessible.

    • you still single

  6. We need to really establish a research center for muslims and the problem they are having to get married then stay married. Most of the issues we have are related to both sexes and their parents having superficial beliefs or standards. Standards which 10 to 20 percent of the people can meet. These people marry or remarry with ease. The rest sorry hard luck. But things will change. I wanted to make such institution but have not found the right people to volunteer and join me in this cause.

    • I am willing to help or listen to any of my long-suffering brothers or sisters going through this rishta-hunt and the subsequent problems.

      • PhD-girl, I actually think you've done all the right things. I did not get the impression at all that you were aiming too high or were arrogant. Not everyone has a ph.d and it sounds like you would be ok with a man with a bachelors degree. The reality is, "like attracts like". You are smart and hard working; you want someone similar. You are also pious, praying and staying close to your family;as such, you don't want someone with a dubious moral code. You want to settle down and be a mother; so, you don't want someone who is marrying you for immigration purposes so you can help them settle down. All of these desires are normal and commendable. To be honest, I was once in your shoes as well. People would make fun of how conservative I was, even when I reached my mid-30s. I just worked really hard in my education and career, and took care of my parents and made lots of Dua.

        Also remember that women remain fertile until approx age 42. Don't listen to the naysayers who tell you that after age38 "it's complicated". Yes, fertility declines but it's a gradual decline. I know many women who had babies after age 40.

        But the main reason I'm responding to you is to ask you this: what will be your life goal if you do not get married? What if your instincts are right, that it is unlikely you will find a suitable husband? Do you have a plan B? The years go by very fast sister. And beauty fades with time. Instead of sitting at home with your parents waiting for a rishta, why not do something adventurous? How about returning abroad? Finding a new job? Join a book club? Do you do any volunteer or charitable work? Travel -- join a group tour and see some other countries? You need to cultivate a life for yourself that does not include the husband and babies you want so desperately. Because if it never happens, you will feel stuck. Pray for guidance, pray that life opens doors for you. If you're living in South Asia, then I'm sorry but you need to get out of there. There are very few opportunities for single women there. And taking care of your parents is wonderful MA, but someday your parents will be gone..... And you will need a life to fall back on.

        Be the best you can be! You are intelligent and moral and insightful. See where that takes you.

        • Thanks sister, really thanks a lot for taking the time out to write to me. You got the right impression about me, despite the fact that I have not written many things here - this is a public forum and I want to remain anonymous. I am striving to increase in humility and I struggle to know the difference between humility and self-realization. The truth is that I am not just an average girl. Alhamdulillah, I have always been on top of my career, beaten locals and foreigners alike in study/PhD or on the job market, represented my country, travelled extensively etc. I have met plenty of people, have had plenty of proposals but somehow none worked out despite my efforts. I have grown wary to the extent that I mistrust most people and yet want to give someone deserving the benefit of doubt. I am scared that I may have grown into someone whose achievements intimidate all incoming candidates - I have been frequently told this. I long to be an average girl, the girl next door but you know, Allah writes our stories and sometimes, all we can do is to let matters take their course.

          I appreciate your advice. I returned to Pakistan two months ago and am already feeling the effects of reverse cultural shock. I am not sitting idle and will be joining a good job soon In sha Allah - this is not a bothering factor. The thing that nags me is what you mentioned earlier - what if I don't get married? I need to carve my own life, stop changing countries, settle down but this is hard to do in South Asia for a single woman, no matter how privileged. I am feeling this right now. I wish to move abroad once again sometime and I don't think it will be hard to find a new job but I am giving it few months here to be with my family, work, socialize and see if I get hitched. If not, maybe I will move away once again away from a society that only respects you if you have a man's name attached with yours. You are right - I need a life. I know it is a hard phase for me but gaining something good in life has never been easy. Jazak Allah for your answer - i never thought this forum will help me so much in easing my burden

          • Phd-girl,

            I think you are not wrong as you want to play safe . But some how we need to take a decision and unfortunately there will be some sort of gambling with that decision . I suggest you to play safe but take some calculative risk at some point of time . As and when you start growing old the achievement in career looks less exciting .Some times people have to bother who will take my money after my life as there are no kids for them .

          • Hi Phd girl.... I am a non -muslim girl of 27 years going thru the same thing... And the strange thing is that my situation is exactly the same like you..... I look decent, have a good degree, nice family n everything..... I get a lot of marriage proposals but they aren't of the kind I would like to marry.... I have never had a relationship....My family will choose a life partner for me but things are'nt t working out..... I have a question for you..... Considering that my situation is exactly exactly similar to you, i want to ask that is there anything that you regret doing now regarding this marriage issue coz i am ditto same like you.... I dont want to compromise n spend my life with someone i dont like much!!...... Allah bless you!!

      • Salaam MK,

        The only thing I would suggest is, trust Allah and do not ignore your inner voice. Sometimes our instincts already know what is going to come. Do not force yourself into a marriage that your heart keeps telling you is not good for you.

        It has been many months since I last posted my answer but my life is seeing changes in a way that is making it more exciting and complicated at the same time. I wonder why some people get to face all the hard choices. I have always had great rewards but only after terrible trials that have shook me. I have a feeling I have entered that phase again.

        I will never understand fate/kismet/ the way life works. Sometimes, I long to have an average life with no drama

        • Salam PhD-girl,

          How are things going for you? Is the spouse finding process going well for you?

          • Well, let's just say that my life has come full circle and now I have found the one I want to end up with it and he turns out to be someone I can never marry πŸ™ Life is hard

          • Phd-girl,
            Why you cant marry him ? Is he already married or from other culture ?

          • So that's great news! You've moved up from not finding anyone compatible to someone you'd go for. Next step is to just find the same person but available for marriage. Good to hear there's some progress.

            Just out of curiosity, why is it someone you can never marry? Is it because they are already married? If so then perhaps they may end up single in the future.

        • Yes, some one already married but also someone from my past. We wanted to marry 13 years ago but couldn't due to family opposition. I moved away, left my country, did everything I could to forget him but couldn't and he was pressurized to marry someone from same tribe/family. He has two kids now but even before his marriage, he has been pursuing me for years. I resisted because he was married and the case was hopeless. I tried to do the right thing but pined for him for years. He kept trying to contact me, we stayed in touch but I resisted.

          Now strange enough, I have moved back to my country after 10 years and so has he. Life has thrown us together again and suddenly we both feel nothing has changed in feelings. He knew that already, I know it now. Our families have changed as well as has my age and we are both settled. we both want to marry each other but don"t know how.

          I am depressed beyond words. I am hugely successful and nothing mattered to me ever except him. Allah accepted all my prayers after years and what now? I keep thinking how he cannot leave his wife due to kids and family pressures but could we marry even as it is and would it destroy me to share him, even if my family agrees? I may get all the proposals in the world but my heart was his and his only. I don't see myself even thinking of anyone else. I have tried and failed. I have prayed to go away and failed. I don't know what to do

          • He should not divorce his first wife but you can be his second wife .It will be fine after few months .I m suggesting only if your feelings for him are too strong and you will be tempted to desire him else move on and find other guy . You had affair with him before ?

          • Easier said than done but we are thinking of marrying because the desire for each other is too strong, has always been. It has been 13 years - I think I deserve a shot at happiness. I have loved him for too long and he me. However, unfortunately our societies are less concerned about what Islam says and more about culture, saving face, ethnicity etc. Those issues are more problematic.

          • Phd-girl
            If you both strongly desire each other then get married to him But please don't provoke him to give divorce to his first wife . He has first wife and kids and breaking that family will be sin on your name if you put efforts . You both can share and live .
            Don't spend too much time with him now else you will be tempted to do haraam actions .

          • Thanks for sharing your story PhD girl. The being in love part kinda sucks because that prevents you from marrying someone else. Are you able to find his qualities in someone else? I'm worried about the second wife option. You're not into sharing and we don't know if his wife is. If she was up for sharing and you two could live happily with him then there would be no problem. But if both of you aren't into sharing then perhaps you should look into another suitor. So either get it to work with this guy or you're going to have to move on. Perhaps in the future both of you will be single again or you will meet in the afterlife. Salam.

          • Dear Abc

            I don not intend to do any such thing. Infact I have tried hard over years to stay away from him due to the very same reason. Now I can not resist his offer of marriage any longer, though I still am trying hard to turn my heart away. I do istikhara every day, pray everyday for guidance and the more I do so, the more I feel he is my destiny. I am genuinely in a very trying situation

          • Dear M

            The simple answer is, I am not able to consider any one else. I have not found his qualities in any one else for so many years, and this is not for lack of trying. You cannot imagine what I have not tried to forget him - I have moved to 3 different countries, I stayed away for 10 years, I tried to accept different guy#'s proposals but never could feel any thing for anyone. I have thought of him every single day for the last 10 years and cried for him and then consoled myself that he is not for me. It is not easy to say no to a man you dearly love for so many years just because you think you are doing the right thing in saying no. And I did that!

            I do not know about the future.. I know sharing will hurt but I have persuaded myself to accept it. There is no other way to get him. I don't know yet if my family would agree or his would. This is a hopeless case. and the sad part is, now I don't have the courage to do what I did 10 years ago....move to other countries and try to forget him. I would rater pray to Allah to end this misery and take my life. It is really getting too hard for me to bear.

          • You are in a tough situation. I would never suggest to break family. He should really stop contacting you. He chose this life and could not fight for love. He should have known better. He already has kids and breaking a family is very bad. You'll be happy to be married to him but his wife and kids will suffer, and since you sound like a good sister- you will feel super guilty. Imagine what reason he will give his wife why he wants a second wife. Think deeply, her reaction. The outcome will not be good. I would say move on but it's not that easy as he keeps contacting you, which is very inappropriate.

          • Dear Tami,

            I know. His wife knew all about us before marriage. His family knew, everyone did.

            It is easy to say these things now and I hope no one ever goes through this hell that I am going through right now. Never ever. It kills. I do wish for death. Life without him is unthinkable and life with him seems impossible ....

          • His wife knew about you two before marriage...strange, yet she went with the marriage knowing that this guy's heart is attached to you. Was it a marriage pressure. I dislike when I hear stories of parents pushing their child to marry someone they don't want to.

            Please don't wish for death. Shaytan is involved in your mind. Please seek serious help- a therapist. Talk to some pious, a trusted person. Your head is overwhelmed. Pray to Allah a lot for peaceful heart. I know it's not so easy but it's a start.

          • Dear Tami,

            Yes, his wife, parents, siblings, extended family, neighbours, colleagues, friends all knew about us. They also know that we kept in touch. He married under family pressure as he was spoken for in childhood. You know, crap society - and he could have faced serious consequences if he had not married her,
            I am not giving excuses for him. If it were me, I would probably have not married anyone. Just like I cannot now. I feel it is impossible for me to even think of anyone, let alone marry. It would be a serious injustice to the other person.

            Life is sometimes very hard and I always feel like mine is straight out of a Tv or film. It is not glamorous and very, very tough to face, I sometimes wonder why I keep going through trials after trial. This current one, I fear, is going to be the end of me. I really have no courage left now. Totally drained.

          • Phd-Girl ,

            So far your actual problem of not finding the right guy is not because there are no good guys but you keep looking for your ex boyfriend qualities in your search hence overlooking other good qualities in them .

            There is no guaranty that you will be always happy after marriage to your ex boyfriend .Life looks excising before marriage but things will go for a toss after marriage .

            If you know things are complicated in your society then leave it .Why simply wasting your time ?

        • Dear abc

          You have clearly never been in love.

          May Allah ease our pain. Ameen

          • PhDgirl, I agree with abc, but I also understand what you're going through. You sound like a sensible, mature and a smart person, but you are emotionally inside of a box because of your strong feelings for your ex.

            This is your test from Allah, this is your burden. Indeed, you are Islamically allowed to be his second wife, but realistically and practically speaking, can you, him, his wife and kids survive this? This is a question only the people directly involved can truly answer. You have to make an extremely difficult choice - being his second wife or completely letting him go, and in both cases you will need to summon copious amounts of strength, patience and persistence and have complete faith in Allah Almighty.

            Pray Istikhara.

            As a woman who's loved and lost, let me tell you that this is not the end, even though it may emotionally feel like as such. You can survive and rebuild yourself day by day, should you choose to let him go. Loving someone deeply is always a massive risk, and there's no guarantee one will end up marrying them or living happily ever after.

            Indeed.... May Allah ease all of our pain. Ameen ya Rab.

          • Salaams Sisters,

            My apologies for intruding on your conversation - the title of this post captivated me. I, a brother, am going through similar situations.

            Nonetheless, the advice, I can give you - and feel has worked for me is to replace the thought of your previous affection with dhikr. The instant you start thinking about him, condition your brain to do dhikr.

            I was engaged to an amazing person, but unfortunately, due to cultural differences, our engagement ended, quite abruptly - with little explanation or closure. Yes, this nonsense even happens in Canada, amongst the Pakistani diaspora.

            Having said that, I was hurt, and still am progressing to move on from that experience - but it's only been three months in. However, I can tell you that replacing thoughts of that person with Allah's hope definitely helps.

            Remember Allah will ease your distress when you do istagfar - no matter what issues you're going through life. Do the dua'a that Yunus (AS) did when he was in great distress during his time in the belly of the whale - Allhuma anta subhanaka inna kunta minazaleemeen, or Mosa (AS) - when he was wondering in the desert - Rabbi Inna Lima Anzalta alaya min khairn faqeer. Or simply Hasbun'Allah Wa Na'malWakeel - Allah take care of my matters for me. And progress in life with great positivity and optimism, surely one day your dua's will be answered.

            You sound like an amazing person - make sure you say yes to someone worthy of you.

            Salaam and Khair,

          • Salam PhDgirl,

            Here's a map of love:
            http://www.alturtle.com/Posters/MapofRel(2008)%20Color.pdf

            Your relationship stopped at the romantic stage and it has blocked future relationships from occurring. You haven't dealt with this guy in compromising on how to run the house, having him pick seeing his friends over you, or him just passing gas in your presence. All you've seen is the loss of what he could do for you if he was your husband. And this is a big part of what love is, seeing the potential and then experience the work the other person does for you. When you're actually married and resentment builds up or you just get bored of each other then the real relationship starts.

            So instead of running away from this I think the right course is to either work on getting over him or work on getting married to him. If you got married to him I would say you'd have a hard time after the first two years. He would have to deal with the loss of the first wife and time with his kids and it would hit him once the honeymoon period is over. If you want to work on getting over him you could try playing out the life you would've had with him in your head until you're bored of it.

            I do feel bad that you two weren't allowed to get married and that makes me feel like saying you two should just get married but I don't really know the circumstances of his situation. I also don't know how easy it would be for his first wife to get remarried as I would see her going for divorce even if he married you as a second wife. Sorry you're going through this. On the plus side though, you two could ask for each other in the afterlife. Like 10-15 years left before you two stop looking at each other with wonder and see each other as old people? The pain shouldn't last forever and then if you make the happiness should inshallah. Salam.

          • Dear M,

            Thanks for your answer.
            This is no fantasy I am living through. Actually we know each other inside out and I have gone through all the things you have mentioned. We know each other's families, routines, colleagues, friends, schedules, likes and dislikes...I know all his faults and he mine and strangely it does not matter.

            I am struggling really badly. I am a very strong person usually - I have been through hell and illness and loss and loneliness and have learnt self-sufficiency and emotional detachment. I am the sort of person for whom people fall madly and never forget. But he has always been the person who can twist me around his little finger. I cannot help it. You do not know how I cry and ask Allah for help. I was devastated today thinking of a life without him today and started reading the Quran and came across Prophet Yaqoob crying for Prophet Yousaf for years and how Allah brought sight and Prophet Yousaf back to him. I started crying loudly when I read those Ayaat.....something on the lines when it was told to Prophet Yaqoob that you will kill yourself crying for Yousaf.
            Everytime I do Istikhara, I get peace...I actually start talking again.

            I haven't told any thing of this to him. He is very optimistic about the future - he is sure we will be together. I wish for his sunny disposition.

            As for his wife, she will not leave him. She always wanted his money. I met her years ago..I know the whole family. And neither would they care if he married a second time as long as he keeps the first. They are not a usual family.

            I sometimes feel why do people say I am lucky. I never wished for riches or the world. I have got all of that. Allah has given me things I even thought of having in my heart. The only prayer I ever made was for him. 13 years...13 long years.......

            I feel hopeless and devastated

          • Dear ZeeHK

            Thanks for your answer. I came here to delete all my comments and then found your answer. You are right - Zhikr helps. So does the Quran. That's what I have been doing.

            I understand your situation only too well. I belong to the same Pakistani society and even among liberals, there are rules that over ride islam.

            It has been three years for you. It has been 13 years for me. Kuch cheezain La-haasil hoti hain. Aur Allah insaan ko khawahish bhi wo de deta hai jo mil nahi sakti.

            I am not an amazing person. I feel like the scum of the world. I literally feel that an ant crawling the earth is better than me. I have been so, so, so humbled and this is the exact same feeling I had 13 years ago. Now I begin to think the misery will only end with my life.

            I have asked for him in afterlife if I can't get him in Dunya. I do not know how else can I pray to Allah....May Allah never let anyone go through an agony like mine

          • Dear PhDgirl,
            You say he does not know all of these are happening...you are crying your eyeballs out. You're emotionally drained just thinking of him day and night for 13 years. You are going through severe depression and he doesn't know any of it. Do you know if he is as severely crying for you. He may have moved on because he accepted that this is his qudar and he can't do anything. He is living his normal life raising his children. And you are still glued to him. Do you think it would be a good idea to let him know, what would he say and do? Don't kill yourself over him. This is not Romeo and Juliet.

          • Dear Tami,

            He knows now. He made attempts every month for 13 years to reach out to me and start the relationship but I resisted and he eventually thought out of sight was out of mind. I also did sabr. But everything has changed this year. We both have been thrown together by fate again and the passion now ignited is much worse than before. We have only started thinking of marrying now and on his insistence. I had given up every such thought as an impossibility

          • PhDgirl ,

            In another way if you were not having any past you would have selected some guy and got married . I think you are wasting time here by crying for haraam relationship .
            How can some body got so much emotionally involved if she/he has kept out of haraam ?
            I think its high time you should come out with some clear decision else you are spoiling everything for yourself .
            Please note after marriage your excitement with that guy will come down and life will not be as green as you think .

          • Asalam Alaikum Wa Rehmat Ullah Wa Barakatuhu,

            Dhikr, Qurah, and the sunnah most definitely help. One who follows islam is always a winner - and that is what I see in your case as well. Afterall, you have been praying, begging, and approaching Allah with great humility - what can be bettar than that? You sound like you are close to Allah (SWT) than ever before, were you like this before? Or did you become this way because of your situation? I am betting on the latter.

            Every soul shall go through it's share of tests, trials, and struggles - and you are going through yours.

            When my engagement came to a grinding halt, I used to make dua'a for her, but eventually understanding the realities - I tweaked my dua's for someone who will make me successful in deen, duniya, and akhira - and Wallahi my mind and emotions started thinking of the positives.

            If Allah swt created the person whom you had such strong affection for, Allah has created hundreds or even thousands like him - you have to give others a fair chance, and you will automatically re-direct your feelings for them. Use this experience of yours to further define what you liked in him, and what you disliked so that you can use this to understand what you prefer in your spouse, instead of being fixated in him.

            Unfortunately, and as hurtful as it may sound asking for an already married person in the afterlife is not ideal - however, I ask that you try to give someone else a fair chance - and force yourself to build a connection.

            You sound like an amazing person, a person who has the traits to be a loyal wife and a caring mother - please don't let that go to untapped - in this selfish ethos those qualities are hard to find.

            If there was a way to connect with you, I would have extended my contact to get to you know better.

            Salaam and Khair,

          • Dear Zee HK

            Thank you for your reply and kind words.
            I would also like to communicate more with you if you would send me an email ID. If you would rather not, it's fine

            The answer to your question is that this situation has not made me like this. I have always been like this - always. And let me also tell you that though I say this myself, I am not an ordinary girl. I am extraordinary by every worldly standard and strangely that means nothing to me. Never has, never will.

            The only person, in fact the only worldly thing I have ever desired was him. Is him. I have seen miracles happening in my life when I didn't believe my prayers would be answered in this way. With respect to him, with respect to other things. I choose to believe in Allah knowing my intentions and struggles. I choose to take the risk of loving this man because I have done everything I could not to love him and he seems to cross my path all the time no matter which country I am in. I may get badly hurt, but I may also witness a miracle. This seems foolish, I know - the practical half of me knows that. But let me tell you that my parents married in exactly the same situation and it seems history is repeating itself after 35 years.

            One question: Can anyone be forced to make a connection? I forced myself for years with some of the best men society could offer, friends who wanted to marry me, colleagues. I tried. I couldn't even bring myself to share a day with them, let alone a life. I am just not the type to do things the way everyone else does. I am hard-wired to be different. I tried, believe me. And every other relationship failed. Now, I am fed up of all relationships. I thought for years that no one could get through my walls - I have been so emotionally detached. And there he comes after 10 years and took a month to break all the barriers down.

            It is good to get another person's perspective.

            Jazak Allah. May Allah give you the best in Deen and Dunya.

          • PhD-Girl,

            Hope are you doing well. Yes, that would be great - you're more than welcome to connect with me via e-mail: ******.

            If you've always been like this, than power to you for always having the intensity to reach out to Allah as one would going through challenging times.

            We have all desired someone or something that we have not received, and I leave the wisdom up to Allah as to why we have not received it, but Allah spoke to us in Surah Baqarah through the following verse "And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (AI-Baqarah, 2:216) - I leave it to Allah to provide the consolation that we are yearn for.

            In addition, Imam Ghazali's quote "What is destined will reach you, even if it be beneath two mountains. What is not destined will not reach you, even if it be between your two lips". Allah (SWT) has written out everything for is - every single thing is pre-destined and defined in our lives, the matter is up to us to accept it, for bliss, or not, for depression.

            PhD-Girl, life is finite - we have to make the most of it. I pray that you push yourself towards healing and are able to find someone who will not just meet, but exceed your expectations, iA. I know you are looking for that miracle, and I too am childishly hoping for a miracle, but my practical side tells me something else. One thing I refuse to do is let my youth, and vitality pass me by, only to realize it's too late when it's gone.

            Learn from ramadan, Allah (swt) has created us to be adaptable, and flexible, physically, mentally, and spiritually. If you force yourself to heal, you shall heal. Mind over matter.

            iA, I hope we are able to connect through the contacts I provided you.

            Salaam and Khair,

          • Zeeshan, please do not post your contact info here, as we do not allow it. Here you have a sister who says she is in love iwth someone else. What is the benefit of giving her your contact info? What are you trying to achieve?

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Apologies Brother Wael,

            I was unaware that it was not allowed.

            Thank you for informing me.

          • Dear Brother Wael,

            Could I request deletion of all my comments? I think it has become too personal and I wrote too much about my personal situation. It could lead back to my identity.

            Thank you

          • PhD-girl,

            Next time you don't choose titles like PhD-Girl .Or specifying specific information like you moved back from USA to Pak etc etc .You can tell in generic words like I am highly educated and staying in some western country and now moved back to one asian country etc etc .
            I think if you keep things generic it won't leak your identity .May
            Allah help you .

          • Salam PhD-girl,

            I don't think you're identifiable at this point and even if you were I would hope that good comes from it.

            A couple of things though. If things do workout for you can you post here and let people know? I would like to know if they do work out.

            You said he broke down your walls after 10 years. That means you weren't feeling this doomed for the last ten years? It's just a month and it hit you when you were having a hard time finding someone in the first place?

            To answer your question about forcing yourself to love someone else, it doesn't quite work that way. Some people can love more than one person at the same time. They just appreciate the different qualities in each person. For such people they can marry someone else they love and still be in love with another person they didn't marry. For some people, it seems it's exclusive. I think this is a product of the society in which one was raised in. If the romance movies put out a one to one relationship being it then people see and want that. For people that have loved, then given up on that person and loved another they realize that they actually do love two people at the same time. In your case, I don't think you ever gave up on him. You always ran and avoided the problem, you never dealt with your feelings and accepted that you will never marry him, or give up because he is married to someone else, or that it's ok for you to love someone new.

            Lastly, if you're sitting on a marriage offer from him can you just accept the offer? Or are his kids and wife going to be too much? What would he need to do for it to be a good outcome for you?

            salam

          • Dear M,

            I will post if things work out.

            The answer to your question is, I did give up all hope. Everything. That's when I left my country. I absolutely changed EVERYTHING about my life, except my family. I never hoped to even see him again. I tried meeting new people, I had friends. Lots of people proposed to me and I went from success to more success. But it seems I was running away from my actual feelings. Every night before I went to sleep, I thought of him with sadness and thought he was happy. He tried to contact me everywhere but I blocked him from all social apps, emails, etc. From time to time in months, I unblocked him and he would message the next day and we talked a bit and I realized I still care and blocked him again. He read about me, heard about me from people, tried to contact and I resisted, but I cried. But those tears were not of desperation - they were of sadness and emptiness. I did try to find good in others but every man who tried to come close felt like far away - I couldn't connect. I didn't feel anything - I had the range of an emotional tea spoon. I liked the attention but it didn't touch me. It was fleeting. Even I thought I had turned into a hard hearted woman and there have been nights when I wondered where was a guy for me in this whole world who can melt me.

            Life has changed again from early this year. It all just started from our moving back and we happened to be thrown together a lot due to work, location, friends and he chased me. I resisted, I prayed, did istikhara, failed. I am astonished at the speed at which a stable person like me can go to tatters - 6 months and I am done.

            As to the offer part, he has asked me if I would be willing to marry him now and I have said yes. But we both are thinking of the consequences and the reaction of our families. Mainly about what people will say. I think he is more concerned about it than I am but he is also more optimistic that this would happen. I am more concerned of the sacrifices I will probably have to make and whether I would be happy. Sometimes I think I will give up everything and move away but then after a few days, I realize I cannot let go of this slim chance of happiness. When I talk to him, we are all good, compatible, feels wonderful. The second we go to our cars, we start missing each other. I wonder then if I still have years to try to forget him. I am in my 30s and I don't have the courage or time to start over again.

            I have left things to Allah. I will pray to Allah to guide me.

          • Salam PhD-girl,

            Thanks for the response. I find that running from one's feelings just put them on pause. Running from your feelings or suppressing them makes the 13 years insignificant. Thinking about him at night hasn't helped much either. Usually to get over a person you have to be comfortable with them being around you without feeling anything. What causes this to happen is to not assign any weight to the potential relationship that could develop. For instance if he somehow had changed genders as was a girl now I don't think you would feel the intense love you feel right now. In fact I bet you would feel pretty indifferent to him or I guess her.

            Where you are now, you never really got over him, and you set a high bar for future guys. Now that over a decade has gone by without marriage you're more desperate for that love you could've had before. If your two options are to run away from these feelings or marry him I would say marry him since running away hasn't worked out. As to what others would say, you could try running with him to a new country. Then they can say what they want to say and you don't have to hear them. In 10 years perhaps your elders will be too senile to comment :).

            I do feel bad for his wife though as I doubt she was interested in this arrangement. I can't really blame you two as it seems that he was forced to marry her. I hope things work out for everyone. Salam.

          • Since you have agreed to marry him, what arrangements will the 2 of you make? Will he be able to manage 2 wives? When he was forced to marry (or should I say he agreed to marry), how could he have the audicity to contact you. I would been angry at him for not fighting for me, let alone secretly contacting me after marriage. What was he thinking...it's a form of cheating his wife. He could have divorced her long time ago before children came to get you. I have to say, you have such strong feelings for him, you continued to lit the fire 10-13 years ago. Please, be careful with the decision you are making. Don't follow your heart but think with your head. Do istikhara. You are a smart intelligent woman and have a pure heart. I wish you all the best.

          • I second Tami's excellent answer.

  7. We women have honestly become the man we want to marry.

    • Yes you have :). And if you were shopping for a woman you would be flooded with choices. But since it's a guy you want it's considerably harder and that sucks. When I was young I felt my cousin was oppressed because she was prevented from pursuing higher education. She was smart and she could do it but her father wouldn't allow it or allow her to get a job. Now I realize that what I saw as oppression was just him looking out for her marriage.

  8. PhD-Girl: I forced myself for years with some of the best men society could offer, friends who wanted to marry me, colleagues. I tried. I couldn't even bring myself to share a day with them, let alone a life. I am just not the type to do things the way everyone else does. I am hard-wired to be different. I tried, believe me. And every other relationship failed. Now, I am fed up of all relationships. I thought for years that no one could get through my walls - I have been so emotionally detached.

    Are you looking for a perfect man? How are you different from other women? Looks like you met many men (best men society could offer). What were some of the reasons you could not share with them?

    No one is hard wired, it just people who think they are always right, never think about changing?

    Do you have a anger problem?

  9. Brother Wael,i cannot login when i write my login details the message present there please write correct login detail my detaila are incorrect but actually my details are correct plz help i can login my profile.Thanks

  10. Assalam Alaikum
    I am 23 years old i had done all my wazifa yo get married but still not married... My parents are really upset for me... Help me plzz and kindly make dua for me...

    • As Salam Alaikum Afsha,

      As 2018 Ramadan is approaching. It is being harder and harder to be single. It is like saytan is over me. I want to get married as well. I am in Canada. If u r still looking for marrieage then contact me. May be In Sha Allah we might be the one looking for each other.

      Allah hafiz

  11. Hi I am 37 and not married yet is it a test from Allah

    • Salam,

      It can be a test but it depends on people as well. You could show up at a retirement home and any 80 year old man would be happy to marry you today. Obviously you wouldn't take the offer but that shows that you can get married today at a low price. Now as you try to get more in a husband so it's closer to what you're worth it starts to take more time. If your price has been too high in the past or you have poorly assessed your market value then it would lead to you not getting married till 37. The process is kind of like selling a car or a house. Sell it at a discount and it sells instantly, the more the demand the more you can get, the less the demand the less you can get. Good luck to you Inshallah things work out for you.

  12. Pray to Allah wholeheartedly. This is the new year, ask for lot of forgiveness, do sadaqa, and affirm your faith. Do extra to seek nearness to Allah. InshaAllah, your desire will be answered. Pray for yourself and other single people who is seeking to get married (like me). When you pray for others the angels will say may your prayers be accepted too.

  13. Dear username: Precious Star,
    Where are you? I haven't seen you on any posts. You would always be the one to comment about this topic- So difficulty in getting married. Any update yet? I hope all is well. Btw, I grew up admiring star shapes and dimensionals, decorated my room with stars, and have star shaped jewelries. That's why I like your username. At the end of the tunnel may we see the bright star in our life, InshaAllah.

    • Assalam u aliykum.
      Hope you are all well. I am new to this. First time i have come accross your website. I am 24. I have been feeling like i am the only one not getting married. But it gives me hope when i can see all you strong women out there. Having patience and waiting for the right time.
      Please remember me in your duaas.

  14. Assalam u aliykum,

    hope somone can give me perspective and advice. i have tried to find comfort, but every day is becoming a struggle. i cant stop myself from feeling emotinal. i have heard that everything is written, marriage etc and i do belive this. i am apporaching 30, and feel really dishearted about the fact i am still unmarried πŸ™ all my friends are now happily married and settled. my parents havent found anyone suitible for me, any proposal we have met, declines or doesnt work out. ( for example last week we were told of a ristha and i went to meet the guy along with my parents) it truned out he came to meeting just fo the sake of it, but liked anouther girl and waited untill after me metting him to turn us down πŸ™ i feel really sad, what is so wrong with me πŸ™
    i was in a relationship in the past (i know this was wrong) i loved the man, and truthfully, my feeligns for him havent gone. he left me to marry anouther girl, and now has a child with her. he apporached me as he said he wanted me in his life (he thinks i am married now) said we can have "fun". i know this is haraam, and even though i feel soo lonely and want love, i knew nothing good can come of doign haraam so i cut him out my life. but i am struglling. even the man ho broke my heart is happy in his marriage and been blessed with the one thing i always wanted most in life, a child πŸ™

    ive done duas, ive performaed umrah, was it written that i would have my heart broken? that i may/maynot get married/is it my fault? that had i things differently in past, i would be married? that even though this man used me, treated me badly, good things were werriten for him but not me? is this a punishment of my sins of being in a relationship even though i repented?

    i feel really confused πŸ™ my parents dont know of any other rishtas, i dont want to date/do haraam, but we are also told no one wants to marry an old 30 year old girl πŸ™ i dont know what to do or where to turn

    • As-salamu alaykum "brokenMuslimgirl". You are not thinking clearly. That man that you loved is married now and approached you to see if you would be willing to have "fun" with him. In other words he wants to cheat on his wife. He is an adulterer. Is that the man you wish you married? Would you want a husband who cheats on you? And do you really think his marriage is happy? His wife is either living in sad ignorance, or is in torment.

      Far from punishing you, Allah saved you from marriage to that cheater.

      You're living in this fantasy land where married = happy. It doesn't work that way. There are many ways to be happy, and it's also quite possible to be married and miserable. You need to take whatever gifts Allah has given you and make the most of them. Focus on what you have, rather than what you don't. Live a good, full life, and I guarantee that people will find that attractive, and that you will find the right man in time insha'Allah.

      You are not being punished. Everyone has different tests in this life. Not everyone's life moves on the same timetable.

      As far as finding a spouse, pursue all avenues. Join some Muslim matchmaking services such as Zawaj.com, Muslima.com, Shaadi.com, etc. Let your friends know that you are looking - they might know someone good. Be proactive rather than waiting for fate or your parents to do it for you. Don't rule out an older man, or one who is divorced. Focus on the man's character. Keep making dua'.

      May Allah make it easy for you and grant you what you desire.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. I have lost everything! A man I loved tortured me that much had come out from that relationship. But before, I wanted to give a another chance cause he promised me about marriage and miscarriage. I was a pharmacy student and wanted to complete my degree. Me parents weren’t supportive from the very beginning for anything. My mom never supported me for anything or. Ever treated me like other mom does for their daughter and still is same. My parents always accusing me and made me feel I am worthless! My friends does think that I am a characterless woman. So they stop contacting me. I am living just by myself for last five years like an orphan. Now I am in final year at uni and no one trust me that I am not a characterless woman. Everyone laughs at me, tells me so much. I am 30 years old. I had dreams like others but I don’t have any ways or anything that I can get any positiveness from that to live my life. Allah knows everything and I feel like I am getting punishment for my past sins! I always repent about those but it’s so difficult to have patience and feel like my situation will never change.

  16. I have one he is my friend very Nice, Decent and Well Educated Family.
    He is my friend, He is Ahle-tashi Sial and is a Software Engineer. He had done Double Masters BCS and MBA and is living in his own house and he is from Lahore. For Further Contact do contact at *******
    Thankyou

  17. Inshallah with regards to such a matter first and foremost I am in a similar position my advice to u is Allah does as he wills he is not bound by space or time what i am trying to explain is our version of now is not Allahs version be patient keep happy and always remember that a man who is yours is better than a man whom is no good patience is the only way sorry

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