Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Hoor, polygamy, children…dilemmas of an ex-sinner

guilt sins forgive

Don't let shaytan keep whispering the past to you when you know Allah promises to forgive his sincere repentant slave

Assalamoalaikum,

I am a young Muslim man living in the West and brought up here and have a really dark and dirty teenage past. I was infatuated with the prospect of marriage at an early age because I desperately wanted a wife so I could enjoy intimate relations with her.  Had we Muslims still had the custom of early marriage, I might have saved myself from the larger sins I committed later on.

Despite my repenting and [sometimes brief] commitments to avoid the haram, one after the other I cascaded into masturbation, pornography and ultimately when I saw no women were available to satisfy me I turned to men [when I was fourteen, I think]. I never went out of my house before then but when I wanted to sin I began to sneak out at midnight.

I hated myself sometimes for what I did. It was some kind of psycho compulsion to sin even if there was a voice in the corner of my heart that told me to stop sinning.

I constantly repented and left the sin and constantly re-fell into the same sins over and over again. It was like my blood was thirsty on some occasions when I desperately wanted to stop sinning. I ultimately gave up gay sex completely though I was tempted several times to commit that horrible sin.

It was harder to give up pornography and harder still to give up masturbation. I invented any excuse to watch porn or masturbate, even though I may have repented for the sin the hour before.

Gradually I learnt about Islamic marriage and its beauty. I had always wanted to be a good husband and I came across articles on the net about ideal Muslim husbands and what a Muslim man should do to please his wife. I wanted to be the perfect husband [though I know that no Human can ever be as perfect as Allah].

One difference that made in my life was that I learnt that sexual relations should be based on love and not simply lust.  Getting myself into this frame of mind helped me many times prior to getting out of my sinning habits as I preferred to fulfill my desires with the woman I will love and also to fulfill her desires. By letting the idea of love overtake me and getting rid of lustful thoughts it became easier for me to get rid of haraam habits.

When I was ready for marriage, I married a woman with two children from her prior marriage. I wanted to be a loving and awesome stepfather and kind, compassionate and loving husband and so I tried my best to be the best husband I can be. Hardly a day has passed since my marriage when I have not trained myself to be a considerate and helpful husband and father to my wife and kids.

By being devoted to the world I already have I no longer feel any outsider and forbidden desires. By teaching myself to base my relationships on love and not lust I feel I am a better person and ultimately a better believer. Complete devotion to my wife helps me remain chaste. Whenever I tell myself that she is my wife and only source of pleasure I don't feel the lust that used to make me sin.

But there are still issues in my life. I feel terrible for my past. Its a stain that will never leave me. I have never told anyone in my family of my terrible past. My wife thought I was a virgin and the fact that she thought that and I let her think so still creates pangs of guilt in me.

And my wife wants children [we have been using contraception since our marriage on my request]. But I am uncomfortable with the idea of her being pregnant because of me. I feel it will be a drawback for me as I can't make her go through the pangs of childbirth and pains of pregnancy as that could touch upon my ideal of love that I have established in my life as I feel that my love for her would be fake if I become a source of pain for her.

But on the other hand our religion also teaches us to have many children. I respect this tradition but I just do not have the strength to do this.

But this also makes me feel like a hypocrite. If I was really a good husband then I would honor her requests. I have always hated to be a hypocrite.

Another issue is that whenever I read Islamic material and come across references to texts on the preference for marrying virgins for pleasure, having many children, polygamy, intimacy with slave-girls and the hur-al-ayn I get those feelings that men get when aroused. So I try avoiding such texts as their thoughts disturb me from the peaceful state of mind that I have built up.

Are we allowed to refuse Hoor Al Ayn in paradise?  Because thinking that I love only one woman and have relations with only her actually helps me remain chaste by giving me a sense of contentment, whereas becoming open to thoughts about such things actually become unhelpful to me.

Thinking of more women and variety reverses my contentment and harms the frame of mind I have constructed for myself. It feels like greed to me and it reminds me of my past. It doesn't leave any space for love at all. I just don't feel comfortable with extra lust. It just does not go well with me because I have tried channelling my natural lusts into love and not allowing it to become excessive lust [eg greed].

How can I solve such dilemmas? I really want sincere advice, please.

Wassalams...

~ Mudassir


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13 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum Br.,

    I do not have the answers to your questions directly or necessarily however, I think, in general, I can relate to your intellectual unrest.

    Whenever there are things that I do not understand or disturb me in reading them, I remind myself that Allah swt is our Creator and that He Alone knows what is best for us and it is shaitaan that tries to riddle our minds with doubts about what might await us in the next world. shaitaan tries to convince us that we should go ahead and enjoy what we want in this world so that we don't "miss out" because who knows what actually will be Jannah and who knows if we will even be happy - ALL whispers from shaitaan. If we listen to shaitaan, we will miss out beyond our imagination in the Hereafter and none of us can afford to take that risk.

    I think you should focus on your wife in the way that allows you to feel peace and trust in Allah as He, being your Creator, knows what is best for you and inshaAllah, you will be forgiven for your sins after sincere repeated repentance and will receive much Mercy--ultimately, whatever we do or do not know about the hereafter - we can TRUST Allah as our Creator, our Friend, our source of peace and love - He will fulfill every promise to us and He knows each and everyone of your thoughts and understands you best. We do not have to plan out the Hereafter and worry about it, we can really just focus on ourselves and improve our character, our deeds, our goals - the things that we actually have control over and for what we don't, we TRUST Allah, 100%..

    May Allah bless your marriage and give you peace of mind, Ameen.

  2. Brother,

    I think you are way too hard on yourself. There is not a person I know that walks this earth who doesn't have a stain of their own or things they have done that they would not necessarily be proud of. You have repented for your prior sins and what has transpired is in your past. Leave your past behind you and let go of it. You may not forget some of the things you have done however, you have grown as a person because of those life experiences and are a better person because of it.

    You need to allow yourself to move forward and be happy. If our creator can forgive you, why can you not forgive yourself? Having a child with your wife will only make you love her even more than you do now. May Allah almighty bring peace to you and lift this heavy burden from you during the holy month of Ramadan.

    Salam

  3. Asalamu aleikum
    Brother be strong enough to let bygone be bygone don't be hard on yourself no one in dis entire planet is perfect

  4. Asalamalaikum brother,
    I just read your story and said wow to myself because its very inspiring how you made a 360° turn around and took those things that made you bad and used them for good. Bravo! Keep up the good work, or love 🙂
    May Allah swt help you and bless you through every step of life.
    I understand you completely when you said you are feeling guilt for lying to your wife about your past, but trust me its better that way. I myself had a bad past and told my partner and it cause him a lot of pain hearing what I did. Better to keep it between you and Allah swt.
    As for childbirth question, thats up to you brother. If your wife wants babies, then you can only think of how rewarding those kids will be later in life for you and your wife, supporting and surrounding you both with love and future generations. Allah o akbar.
    Salams
    Shereen

  5. Brother,
    U r blessed enough to give up all bad deeds. U were young, now u r mature enough to start fresh. Go foward, don't let ur past to draw urself back. Its shaytan who is injecting ur past thoughts in ur mind. Pray n fast, wipe all past memories. U r now cured, don't even think about the disease anymore. May Allah make ur life easier.

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    Alhamdulillah you have walked away from sin. Many people struggle with such temptations, and it is so nice to read about someone overcoming them.

    I'm not a scholar, but I can try to give you a female perspective on some of your worries.

    With regards having children, yes childbirth is painful, but it's the least important part, at least from what I've been told, of the joy of bringing a new life into the world. Rather than thinking about causing your wife pain, think about the positive aspects of pregnancy and raising a family, and discuss your worries with your wife - she has had children in the past and as well as reassuring you of her love for you, she can inshaAllah explain her experiences of pregnancy and childbirth. If after that you still feel concerned, you could discuss your worries with a counsellor or a trusted friend.

    One of the beauties of Islam for me is the flexibility and acceptance of life choices, and the rights afforded to men and women. Polygamy, having children, marriage to virgins/orphans/divorcees/widows... These aren't compulsory, so as long as your life is guided by and adheres to the values of Islam, I wouldn't worry about feeling you must do these things if you truly do not want to. Our Beloved Prophet's (peace be upon him) life provides a perfect example of how to live by Allah's guidance - if you find yourself in doubt about what to do, it might help to read about how The Prophet (peace be upon him) and the Sahabah acted in similar circumstances.

    I do not know the answer to your question about Hoor Al Ayn, but whenever I find something that I do not understand, I make an effort to remember that these are Allah's plans and teachings, and that while I may not understand, I can trust in Allah that His plans are best. Once I feel that acceptance and peace, I can then try to learn more about the issue. It might be helpful to discuss this question with an imam or knowledgeable brother at your local masjid, as they might have a better understanding of Islamic teachings on this matter.

    May Allah protect and guide you and your family, and all of our brothers and sisters, in this blessed month of Ramadan.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  7. Salaams,

    To me it sounds like you are saying that when you think of the hoor, you start to get desirous thoughts for other women in imagining what they might be like and this bothers you because you want to be only desirous of your wife. Because of this, you are wondering if you can be "exempted" from having any hoor as your own in the hereafter, and only be with your wife.

    I just want to let you know that despite what is described of the hoor, the women who attain Paradise that were human will be even that much more.

    Umme Salamah (radi Allahu anha) narrates that she said to Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam): "O Rasul Allah, are the women of this world superior or the hoors (of Paradise)?" He (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) replied, "The women of this world will have superiority over the hoors just as the outer lining of a garment has superiority over the inner lining." Umme Salamah (radi Allahu anha) then asked, "O Rasul Allah, what is the reason for this?" He answered, "Because they performed salah, fasted, and worshipped [Allah]. Allah will put light on their faces and silk on their bodies. [The human women] will be fair in complexion and will wear green clothing and yellow jewelry. Their incense-burners will be made of pearls and their combs will be of gold. They will say, 'We are the women who will stay forever and we will never die. We are the women who will always remain in comfort and we will never undergo difficulty. We are the women who will stay and we will never leave. Listen, we are happy women and we will never become sad. Glad tidings to those men for whom we are and who are for us.'" [Tabrani]

    Not only that, but there is another hadith (can't find it specifically at this time) which states that when a man enters paradise and sees his wife from this life, he will stare at her for 40 years because her beauty will be such that he will be left in awe for such a length of time.

    So I suggest on this particular issue, you focus on those realities instead of the hoor. This will help you keep your focus on earnestly desiring your wife in this life and the next.

    I agree that you should allow her to have children if she wishes it. If your relationship is healthy and strong, children will only bond you closer together. If you happen to have a daughter, it may be that her presence in life only inspires you to be even more chaste and less sinful, similar to the case of Malik ibn Dinar. If you have a son, then maybe your own lessons learnt will be the motivation to raise him to be the best man he can possibly be, avoiding the pitfalls you've dealt with yourself.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. I was just wondering why is it that a phisical relationship between a man and a women seems to be the ultimate desire and highest pleasure in this world and the hereafter? Men desire beautiful women, women desire beautiful men... Isnt there nothing else to life! What about the children? What will happen to them wouldn't parents want to see their children instead of admire their spouses or hoors beauty?

    Is it just couples in jannat? No single people or children? Isn't their any hadith regarding children who pass away?

  9. Brother,

    What matters is who you are now. I wish their were more muslim men like you in the world who love and respect their wife so much. Your wife is a very blessed women to have you! You should keep up the good work.

    And childbirth is not that painful! It only lasts a few seconds but the pleasure of raising the kids lasts a lifetime! Believe me when you both lay your eyes on that beautiful being you will forget the pain in an instant!

    Raising your children will keep you away from sins too and then you can concentrate on becoming the best father you can be!

    I can understand where your coming from regarding polygamy, some men abuse it and think they have a licence to treat women as objects for carnal desires! In the process they hurt all their wives and don't give their rights. In some cases it can be beneficial, eg for a women who cant have children. If your happy with your wife and you both love each other then why think about different horizons. Its better to keep it simple, and have more time for Allah.

  10. I, too, would like to commend this brother for having moved away from his sins and sincerely made amazing changes for the better in his life, mashallah :). May Allah forgive all of our sins...

    But on a different note, I'd just like to add that considering your past, I really do hope that you have undergone tests to determine that you're healthy and free of any STDs that you could possibly transfer to your wife. It's always important to be sure of your own health when you're sexually active...

  11. Assalamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah,

    Brother, you have done the right thing and have taken the right steps towards repentance, in sha Allah. The concern now is that Allah must Forgive you, and why will He not if your tawbah is sincere and you have left the sin for His Sake? May He Forgive you.

    However, I want to tell you something. Overthinking about anything is wrong. We should think only what is apparent and what helps us remain chaste. The mention of Hooun 'Een is not to make us desirous but to help us give up haraam desires. For example, we look at female models who are beautiful by face and body and our eyesight slips to them. Allah Asks us to lower our gaze at this sight. And the mention of Hoor comes to use here. We ask Allah to Give us women who are much better in beauty, desiring none but their husbands, as the Hoor are described.

    They are a reward of the Aakhirah from The Most Merciful Lord which is best kept for the Aakhirah. We must not overthink about these matters, especially when they are affecting our deen. Exemption from Hoor is not something you should ask for when you do not know whether you will make it to the Jannah in the first place. Strive instead, to Please the Lord Who Created the Jannah and the Hoor.

    The Hoor exist for sure, waiting for the day of Judgement when they will meet their husbands, but that is a matter among the matters of the unseen. We know only what we have been informed. And when we ask Allah, we should only ask for Jannah and not specify this and that:

    Abu Na`âmah narrated that `Abdullâh bin Mughaffal overheard his son say: ``O Allâh! I ask You to grant me the white palace on the right hand side of Paradise as soon as I enter it.'' So he said: ``My son, ask Allâh for Paradise, and seek His refuge from the Fire, for I heard the Messenger of Allâh say: `There will be in this nation a group of people who will overstep the bounds in purification, and supplication.''' ( Sahih )

    Islam teaches the middle path. Too much thinking is exaggeration and something not good. So, brother, enjoy the company of your wife and please the Lord with her help. Aakhirah is a place of reward and justice. Seek Allah's Refuge from His Wrath and seek His Mercy, His Reward. Polygamy is for people who can afford more than 1 wife and can do justice among them. When you know it is not for you, why should the thought of it bother you?

    Your wife seems to be a reward for your tawbah, and Allah Knows Best. If she makes it to the Jannah, she will be superior to the Hoor of Jannah, in sha Allah. She is your queen and she deserves all that every other Muslimah deserves. So brother, make her smile and be a good husband. It is understood that you are concerned about her when it comes to child birth, but brother, again, too much thinking in this is not good. You maybe depriving your wife of the halaal pleasures she deserves.

    May Allah Make it easy for you and grant you and your wife - Jannah.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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