Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Disappointed About Life

Lonely woman

My life is not happy at all. I know I said previously that I am in a happy marriage, but that's actually not the case. I just was embarrassed to tell the truth. My husband always yells at me for no reason. If things are not done his time, he starts yelling. For instance, if the bed isn't made by the time he gets out of the shower and the room isn't straightened up, he yells at me. I try to cook nice food for him and then he rates my food from a scale of 1 to 10. It's very annoying. He says by doing this I will get better at it. Also, I have done so many things for him and I think I've been a great wife to him, but he always has to complain about me and tell me that I'm not a good wife or woman. Since he came to this country, I have helped him pass him driver's test within 3 months of coming to this country, I've helped him find a job, written resumes for him, and I'm helping him with citizenship. Yet, I'm still not "good" enough to him. He always finds something I did wrong and tells me his life is a disaster when that could be so further from the truth.

We are living in my parents' house and I am searching for housing. I would try to get a job too to help with our finances (since he isn't making enough money), but he doesn't let me study so that I can go back to school and study for a career that will pay well and help our situation. I feel like I'm in Afghanistan where the men don't let the women pursue education and deny them opportunities. He hates seeing me read and I feel we have nothing in common. He yells whenever he catches me with a book.

To make matters worse, my mother does nothing about it. She sees how he is treating me, and she continues being kind and nice to him and not telling him anything about why he is treating me like this. I can't believe my mother wouldn't support me. When I was crying to her because he yelled at me for studying and gets mad at me whenever I use the computer, she ignores my cries and makes a nice dinner for him. If he wants a cable channel, she automatically orders it. She treats him like a King because he is her son-in-law, but doesn't do anything to help her daughter.

I am also facing extreme tiredness and have discovered that I have adrenal fatigue because on my blood report my DHEA levels are below the normal range. The primary care doctor didn't do anything about it, and I had to research it myself because it seems I always feel tired and exhausted all the time, but the primary care doctor doesn't really help at all. I feel as a doctor, it is negligent on her part not to refer me to the proper doctors to help me further if she cannot help me. If she sees something is out of the range on the blood report, it is her responsibility to help me find someone who can further assist me to feel better. I had to do research on my own and now found a functional medicine doctor (a doctor who treats the underlying cause and not just the symptoms). Unfortunately, they don't take my insurance so I may have to pay 20%, but I'm willing to feel better. I have tried to explain to my husband my problem, but he constantly yells at me for not being able to get up in the morning and for feeling tired all the time. He never understands me when I try to nicely explain to him my problems.

Finally, we barely have sex. He is never interested and I don't think he wants to have children. I feel like I'm wasting my time going to the Infertility Clinic. I should have known this marriage would end up unhappy when he told me on the phone after our marriage ceremony, that "everything is my responsibility" and if I don't manage everything financially and in the house, then it is all my fault. However, what he doesn't realize is that marriage is a partnership, and in Islam, the duty of finances rests with the husband, with the wife supporting financially, if need be.

What should I do? I am so unhappy, but I don't want to divorce because I want to earn Allah's favor by trying to make a mismatched marriage work. However, I feel like I'm sacrificing my happiness and dreams to stay in this miserable marriage. My husband isn't meeting my emotional, sexual, and financial needs at all. I don't know what to do and a lot of times I have cried to Allah. I don't want the community to call me a failure. That's how divorced women are looked on in the community, so I am trying all I can to make this marriage work, but no matter what I do and how much I go above and beyond to make the marriage work, my husband just loves to yell and find something wrong. I think a lot of women would have divorced in this situation and wouldn't last even a year, but I've endured all of this for 4 miserable years. I've tried going for counseling, but he hasn't changed. Please help me. I don't know what to do and I really am afraid of the consequences of filing for divorce because I want to try to make this work somehow. I am crying all the time and I feel so sad. Please help me!

islamicgirl28

 

 


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24 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    I skimmed through many of the previous posts that you have. I don't think I have ever commented, but I think I am going to take a risk and be brutally honest with you. Dear Sister, you want to make everyone happy so that you don't face criticism but that robs you of your own happiness and at the end of the day, you also can't make people happy.

    You need to go for counselling, develop self-confidence, go for counselling with your husband and then decide if you want to carry on or end this relationship. Listening to this person and that person will not solve your problems because at the end of the day, only you know what makes you feel happiness.

    You want it all, but it is like gripping your hand with sand in it - and eventually you are left with nothing.

    You don't want a divorce, but you want a miracle in your marriage. You may either accept things as they are, work on changing everyone, or end this and move on. BUT, whatever your choice is, realize, not everyone will be happy with you and your choices. Does Allah swt want you to divorce? We can also ask, Does Allah swt want you to live in misery? This life is a test, you are the one that has to make tough choices.

    Bottom line: Before making any decision, get counselling, make a list of things you want and things you can't live with...pray Isthikhara, make a decision and live with it. Inn shaa Allah, good times will come.

    Al-Quran [94:5-6]
    For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.
    Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.

    May Allah help you in making the best decision, Ameen.

  2. Ya Allah! When I was reading this sister my heart burst with love and support for you. You really don't have to go through this. Please....I know you want to make this work, but it isn't fair that you have to work and live under such conditions. Islam offers much better for women. You seem very smart and capable. Divorce him. Just do. I know it sounds very harsh and maybe not everyone will agree with my suggestion. But think about it- people as a whole will never be satisfied. If you have a perfect life, they'll be jealous and try to make you feel bad, if you have a flaw they try to make you feel bad about it. The people have even invented lies about Allah, saying He doesn't exist (atheism) and more. If they wouldn't leave their Lord who gives them life and blessings alone, don't try to worry about pleasing them. Only Allah can really accept you for who you are and you can always go back to Him.

    If you leave him, you can at least have your peace of mind to worship, have the freedom to a good career or go back to school, join classes at the masjid, etc. The possibilities are endless- you've tried for far too long. Divorce was made lawful for these very reasons.

    If he refuses, get your father or wali involved (if they refuse- it's very serious and get the most trustworthy Imam and/or law officials involved). Most of all, pray to Allah, in the last 3rd of the night, for that's when Allah comes to the seventh heaven and answers the prayers for ANYTHING if a person abandons his/her sleep at that time.

    I do hope my answer was beneficial. I'm not as experienced as many of the other people who answer these posts but I hope I've helped in some way.

    If I've made a mistake, it's from me and the Shaytan, any good has come from Allah alone.

    Your Muslim sister (May Allah keep you firm and lift you from your hardship- Ameen)

  3. Your husband isn't changing, because he has no reason to change. He is living a life of luxury where he gets to literally, as you say it, live like the king of your household. He doesn't have to do ANYTHING himself, yet he has been given the authority to rate and criticize the services he's offered in your household. Your mother is really not doing you any favour by rewarding his bad behaviour with homecooked meals and warm welcomes in to her house. It gives him the idea that she has been desperate to get you married off and is thankful to your husband for marrying you. Why should she give him that idea? By the sounds of it, he should be the one to thank Allah for the wife and in-laws he's been given. If it were my parents, and my husband, my husband would have been kicked out of the house a long time ago and asked to go back to wherever he came from. Both you and your mother are rewarding him over and over again for his lousy attitude and behaviour - and you need to stop doing that.

    Don't divorce him before trying out a few options. Try talk to him, and if he - as I suspect - won't even hear you out, talk to your father or someone else of authority who can defend you in front of your husband. Again, if that doesn't work...I honestly I would turn on him for a while by deliberately serving him horrible food, stop cleaning, stop doing anything for him...if he thinks you are a bad wife despite everything you do now, then he can't possibly get a lower opinion of you when you do nothing. Islamically, you are entitled to do nothing :). It's your islamic right to refuse to cook and clean :). Maybe that will make him appreciate what you do do for him. If not, then take it a step further...pack his bags and tell him he's not welcome in your home until he starts to treat you with the respect you have been giving him :).

  4. OP: I am also facing extreme tiredness and have discovered that I have adrenal fatigue because on my blood report my DHEA levels are below the normal range. The primary care doctor didn't do anything about it, and I had to research it myself because it seems I always feel tired and exhausted all the time, but the primary care doctor doesn't really help at all. I feel as a doctor, it is negligent on her part not to refer me to the proper doctors to help me further if she cannot help me......What should I do? I am so unhappy, but I don't want to divorce because I want to earn Allah's favor by trying to make a mismatched marriage work. However, I feel like I'm sacrificing my happiness and dreams to stay in this miserable marriage. My husband isn't meeting my emotional, sexual, and financial needs at all. I don't know what to do and a lot of times I have cried to Allah. I don't want the community to call me a failure.

    Many blood tests can be a little outside the range and still be kind of normal. You go and see an Endocrinologist about that test. DHEA seems like a HORMONE.

    Your extreme tiredness may be because of depression caused by your unhappy life with a husband who is unable to fulfill your emotional, sexual and financial needs. Do you know if your husband has been married before or has another wife? How did you meet him? Why are you getting him US citizenship?

    You need to get some education and a job.

    You say "Finally, we barely have sex. He is never interested and I don't think he wants to have children. I feel like I'm wasting my time going to the Infertility Clinic"

    How can you get pregnant if you barely have sex? Who told you to go to infertility clinic? Did you tell your doctor you barely have sex? Your husband should be examined for his low desire for sex.

  5. Has he got his citizenship already ? I suppose you have more control until he gets his visa so just something to consider. I feel your pain sister im going through something similar and I understand how hard it is to end a marriage even when you know your husband is treating you badly. I agree with most of the advice that's already been given, you need to have a strong word with your family. Funnily enough my brother was exactly the same in my situation when my husbnd was lying about thigs, my brother would always side with my husband and in Laws and it burned!! They got away with a lot whilst I was blamed and made to apologise for questioning things!!! Luckily my brother came to his senses and so did my family and now they support me 110%! I think it's important you have a word with your family and tell them your not happy. If they're not listening then you talk to your husband and tell him that you want to be treated with respect. Perhaps get an imam involved? Stop putting extra effort into things for him! Look after yourself, rather than focussing all your attention on him. Give him a chance to chase after you and see what happens. Basically your husband has been spoilt!!! I hope things work out for you inshaAllah

  6. Your story somewhat relates to my best friend who went through the same struggles has you. I tell you it wasn't easy for her either.

    One thing I will say is your husband is in the same situation as you. Do not lose hope or be impatience you have to talk to him tell him how you feel. Don't divorce talk to him you have this chance dont waste it there is no perfect partner or marriage. You have to work together and understand each other that takes years to make a marriage work.

  7. First of all, I pray that Allah Taa'la give you patience and reward you immensely for trying to be a good wife.

    Before you think about taking divorce, you should also consider the male insecurities that might be at play here. Men are somewhat primitive creatures, that is to say that they act aggressively and get provoked apparently for no reason but at the same time this primal behavior make them less vindictive and easy to change their mind if approached in the right manner.

    In some cultures they have a huge sense of entitlement which is even beyond what is Islamic. But that is the society we live in.

    From your description, I am sensing that you husband is feeling inadequate (i.e., you supported him in getting settled abroad, passing the driving test, finding him a job) all of this is interpreted by him as if he is not able to do it on his own and that is why he is trying to find fault in you to maintain the balance and belittle you. It is like saying subconsciously , "ok, if i am no good then you are no better than me"

    Therefore, I suggest that you think that you are not unintentionally stepping on his ego. I understand doing the right thing is important but humans are emotional beings and understand everything in the light of emotions. That is why men hate to ask for directions because it compromises their ability to lead no matter if it wastes 3 hours circling the same block.

    If you connect with your husband at an emotional plane, the intimacy will come naturally, And for financial needs, Allah Taa'la is the best provider.

    Since it has been 4 years, therefore, I think it would take you 6-9 months to build bridges.

    But if your husband is the type who thinks that wife is a servant and doesnt not deserve his attention then divorce is certainly an option. There must be something that your husband does for you. If he does you should encourage him by genuinely feeling happy about it, no matter if it reflects your taste or not, it now represents you husband's affection for you.

    Unfortunately, divorce is essentially a failed marriage and people are seldom interested in finding out whose fault was it. your friends will support you and his friends will support him. It you fear health or life threatening consequences then I think divorce is certainly better and on judgement day you will be properly rewarded, InshaAllah.

    I think your mother is doing the sensible thing. Interference by parents will not be seen positively by your husband. You need to understand what kind of relationship your husband's father and mother have, often people want a relationship that they are familiar with. Try to imitate the same dynamics if possible. If it is too conservative, at least give it a try may be after a few months you might be able to create some space for things that are really important to you.

    I pray that Allah Taa'la give you and your husband health, patience and sensibility to continue your marriage.
    Ameen.

    • Good response! I do agree that it's importent your parents remain calm during the situation as any anger from them can make the situation worse, but at the same time they should try to understand your dilemma and provide support in improving your marriage. May Allah swt bless your marriage and soften your husbands heart, ameen.

  8. Thank you so much, my brothers and sisters, for your support. I think the brother is right about my husband feeling insecure because I am doing everything for him and he can't adequately provide. What I failed to mention is that I am on disability for depression, and I also feel afraid to divorce because I might not find anyone else after that. Plus, I feel I have to keep trying to make this marriage work somehow, but I'm feeling more and more depressed because my husband always treats me so badly and nothing makes him happy even though I've done more for him than most women would do. I ended up hospitalized for a nervous breakdown because of my husband. Plus, my husband ridicules my weight and thinks putting me down in front of my mother at the dinner table is showing his love for me, but that's just hatred, not love.

    I have tried going for counselling, but he just puts his arm around me and talks sweetly in front of the counselor, then they think we have a good relationship, but we don't. I think I cook great food and have helped him so much getting on his feet, but he is so ungrateful and complains about me and that he will find another woman from his country, but what woman would put up with this. Constant complaining for nothing, no sex, and not able to provide on his own?

    I am trying to get myself a masters degree in speech therapy, but he hates seeing me read. He says there's no value to reading. Yet, he doesn't understand that Allah commands us to seek knowledge so that we can succeed in this life and the next. It's so difficult living like this when my needs aren't met.

    I don't know why my mother found a man so backwards like him. I cry all the time about it, but I feel stuck because I feel this may be as happy as it's going to get for my life. I just pray to Allah to cure me and help my marriage to improve. I hope Allah rewards me for being a supportive, dutiful wife despite his ill treatment. Inshallah, I believe I will find happiness one day.

    • What kind of counsellor thinks a couple are in therapy when their marriage is fine? Sounds like you need to find a better counsellor who actually has experience dealing with people who pretend and create a lovely image for the world to admire. And you should not just sit there and let your husband lie and cover up the issues that bother you in front of the counsellor. Be honest with the counsellor and let him/her know that your husband i sitting there pretending to be the best when he's obviously not - be honest about the fact he's lying to put up a front and make himself seem like husband of the year.

  9. I do, but they don't listen to me. They find him very believable and charming.

  10. . This sister has mental problems, a lot of insecurities, she is emotionally unstable, extremely sensitive to the world around her ... she blames everyone else for her problems and it seems never ending cycle… she expects an immediate gratitude & sympathy from her family members if she does something good for them…
    Also, I have done so many things for him and I think I've been a great wife to him, but he always has to complain about me and tell me that I'm not a good wife or woman. Since he came to this country, I have helped him pass him driver's test within 3 months of coming to this country, I've helped him find a job, written resumes for him, and I'm helping him with citizenship. Yet, I'm still not "good" enough to him. He always finds something I did wrong and tells me his life is a disaster when that could be so further from the truth..I can't believe my mother wouldn't support me. When I was crying to her because he yelled at me for studying and gets mad at me whenever I use the computer, she ignores my cries and makes a nice dinner for him. If he wants a cable channel, she automatically orders it. She treats him like a King because he is her son-in-law, but doesn't do anything to help her daughter
    I feel for you dear sister. The solution to your problems lies within yourself. You cant change people around you, so change yourself… Continue your therapy; get medical and emotional help, Inshallah. When you do something good to your mother or husband or anybody else, do it for the sake of Allah (SWT), hoping for a reward from Him only, then you will find peace and satisfaction within yourself.

    There are lot of people who suffer much more in this life dear sister.
    .
    .
    So, please try to be grateful for what you have and Allah SWT will give you more, inshAllah.

    The best therapy when hit with calamities of this life is sincere, long prayers, constant zikr of Allah SWT with patience, humility and submission.
    Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest (13:28).

    I wish you find an inner peace and harmony and be grateful for the beautiful life your Lord has granted.

    • @recovering for you to say the OP has mental issues and insecurities that is bang out of order.

      Secondly we dont know what she going through whatever it is the marriage may have caused her destress and realised she needs help to make her marriage work. These days marriage is very tough.

      May the OP find the courage to deal with the situation patiently.

  11. Excuse me, sister, but the reason I have emotional problems is because how my husband treats me. He hates it when I pray and when I help him he belittles me. You have idea what I'm going through. I don't expect gratitude from him, but I do expect respect. You don't know how angry you've made me. I don't know why people like you pass such harsh judgement and automatically assume someone is sensitive and emotional, when they don't have a clue they are being abused. I hate how judgemental some muslim people like you can be. I'll bet you are nowhere near as pious and like to have your judgemental self looking down on others.

    • sister Islamicgirl, your husband has no right to belittle you. It is not right for someone to just say "bear it with patience". You have every right to be upset. A muslim husband is not his wife's master, but her labaas - he is to protect, comfort and support her. He should not be hitting you!

      Please continue making salaat, even if your husband tells you not to. Perhaps, by watching you he will realize his mistake and begin praying salaat himself. If it continues to anger him, then you know that you are not compatible with this man who cannot integrate Islamic principles into his marital life.

      Please try to ask a family member or close friend to help you with the situation you are in, to see if the union is still salvageable. This may require some anger-management counselling for your husband so that he stops beating you. He must be open and agreeable to making changes too. I think you have been quite patient and you have sought Islamic advice, which is very commendable.

      I will remember you in my duas, as will everyone who reads your story.

    • Here is the thing Sister...people will never truly understand what you are going through and sometimes seeking understanding from others leads to more turmoil as the above comment did for you. I know that you don't want divorce,and may Allah give what is best for you - but your husband doesn't depict the picture of an independent reliable husband - in any part of the world. He needs to grow up, but it also seems that you are enabling him. I can't say much about your parents, because they are wrapped up in an idealogy that they born with (or surrounded by) and I am sorry to say, they will NOT change.

      You need to move out with him and NOT work.

      OR you do not give him money.

      I don't want to call it patience, but ignore your husband's remarks because they are immature. He is still competing with you, his wife. Anything he says to put you down is most likely because it is harder to elevate himself.

      Many girls are in a situation similar and even worse than yours. The only ones, that I have noticed, whose situation improved was when more responsibility fell on the husband and he finally started behaving like the leader of his family.

      I know you are going through a rough time, but perhaps you can list the things that you can change:

      1. Can you move out of your family home?
      2. Can you go to the counsellor alone or get a different one? You need someone who has expertise dealing with immigrant husbands.

      Talking about it and holding onto all of this is too much emotional pain - you need at least one real change that you can begin with for healing to start.

      May Allah ease your pain. Ameen

  12. He never physically abused me, but he is verbally abusive because of his insecurities with himself. He prays five times a day, but stops me from praying and wearing hijab. This is the problem. I stand up for myself though, but he is still very verbally abusive and disresvpectful to me. The brother is right that he feels inadequate because he can't provide and maybe feels like he isn't good enough, so I am seeking Allah to guide me, but he stops me from praying. He sees I am getting better through prayer and he wants to control me and keep me under him so he can feel better about himself. That's why he doesn't let me study. That's why.

  13. I meant disrespectful. It was a typo on my part.

  14. Thank you sister Saba. I'm glad you understand what I'm dealing with. I don't know where to find a counselor who deals with immigrant husbands, but I am just fed up with how immature he is. He is from the countryside of his country, and the men there are very backwards and primitive in their thinking and don't know how to respect or talk to women. He lives a life where women have served him hand and foot, like a servant and that's how he treats me. He also talks down to me all the time, probably because in the countryside that's how they talk to women.

    I hope Allah SWT guides me in finding a marital counselor who is trained in this kind of problem, because he isn't changing at all for the four years I've been married to him. I don't know what to do, but may Allah SWT guide me in finding out the right path, inshallah.

    Please pray for me, and thanks so much for your support. May Allah bless you for helping a fellow sister.

    • You need to stop reacting when he does something to get you to react.

      You also need to stop doing things for him, that are his job to do.

      Don't fight or talk back to him. When he says mean things, filter your hearing, focus at that time on Allah.

      You both need to get away from the influence of your parents. Reading through your previous posts suggests that you have been living after marriage, too long with your parents. This is one really big point that is destroying your marriage.

      If you want to remain married, you have to see him as a leader, and he has to become that leader. It sounds like you and your mother and enabling him to remain in the state he is now.

      Make one change, stick to it, then make another change some time after.

      Ideally, it would be best if he stopped getting all the help he is getting because it would actually make him feel better if he was financially independent.

  15. You are right, sister

  16. You are right, sister Saba, but he constantly belittles me and tells me it is my responsibility, so I have no choice. Then, he says he will move to his in-laws and they will take his side all the time if I live with him. In terms of my parents, he isn't making enough to move out. I applied for low-income housing, but it's taking a long time to get. He isn't a strong man so I have to constantly baby him. Don't know what to do. Please pray for me.

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