Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I disobey my parents and marry her?

dreams

Peace be up on you.

I am 25 years old and I am in love with a girl who is also a muslim. She converted to Islam recently due to her belief in God. I was born in the UK but my parents were born in Turkey and they are very very cultural. The girl in question is british.

I want to marry this girl but my parents are not agreeing with any of it. I have tried to talk to them, they do not even want to listen to me. Over the years my mother and father always said you must marry a turkish girl for the sake of our family bonds/traditions etc, but I have reached that age where I can make my own sensible decisions.

My family have told me that they will basically disown me/not talk to me, basically cause chaos if I choose this girl over their wishes.

I have talked to a few family members, some show support for me but they are afraid of my mother and her attitude towards it all. I feel that my dad is also compelled to side with my mother because she is his wife.

I talked to a islamic friend, he said that I could not marry without my parents' consent. But they will never give me their consent. I am so unhappy, I pray 5 times a day, I guide as many people as possible to the right way but I cannot solve this problem.

I am so heart broken and this girl is ready to do anything for my family,(her family agree with this marriage), but they will not meet me in the middle and I am torn between what is right for me and what is wrong for me from an islamic point of view.

What should I do? Should I disobey my parents and marry her? Is it right that they are imposing this cultural custom on me? Have I been emotionally blackmailed?

ozan

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , ,

12 Responses »

  1. Dear Ozan, Asalaamualaykum,

    This is not a nice situation to be in. On the one side you have Islam that makes things so easy for you and on the other side you have your culture which is suffocating. Brother, the situation you are faced with is a test for you, a test that will push you to your limits and above.

    Marriage is an obligation as is being good to your parents, but here your situation is in conflict. You want to marry a good Muslimah but your parents are not giving their blessings for reasons which are not from Islam. They are holding on strongly to their culture whereas you have had the chance to move away from this as you have been raised in a multicultural society.

    Islamically, a man does not require the permission of his parents to marry. However they are your parents and it is always better to have their happiness and blessings in what you do. Brother, I would encourage you to speak to a local Imam from your Masjid or from a Shariah Council. They will no doubt support you and will help you to gain the support of your parents aswell, maybe by speaking to them.

    There is no easy way around such matters. It involves a lot of heartache and feelings of guilt - although you do not need to feel guilt. The same situation for someone who's parents are more Islamically inclined as opposed to cultural would not be made to feel guilty, instead they would be encouraged and it would be a happy time.

    If you feel that you will not be happy without this Muslimah as your wife, then I will say to you to make firm your decision and continue. Do istikhara and ask Allah to give you the strength to get through. Try to muster up support from your family members, although I understand that even if the whole world supported you, it would still feel minute without your parents on your side. Ask an Imam to speak to your parents and at the same time, keep talking to your parents. Tell them how much this is upsetting you and ask the girl to visit them with her Wali.

    I am sure that they will not disown you if you marry this girl, but they will be upset. On your part, just continue being good to them - thats the test, can you strike a balance and still be patient and good with your parents despite their ignorance.

    One very important thing though, something I should have mentioned at the beginning is this: I would only say to try and pursue this path if this Muslimah you want to marry is really a striving practising sister and someone whom you feel confident that you can build a good strong Islamic home with. Ultimately our goal should be to get to 'Jannah' in the Hereafter, so bear this in mind.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Assalamu alaykum Brother,

    My advice to you is no doubt parents are important and their opinions too along with respect for them.

    But here is a girl who has entered Islam. It is better she marries a Muslim and find a home in the world of Islam. It is a matter of morals and common sense.

    You invite people to the straight path, Masha Allah, may Allah reward you for your efforts. But do not fall in love. It is a pack of desires incited by the Satan which make us think : I love her, she is my life, I can't live without her, I want her etc.

    And in most cases love for the loved one goes beyond the love of Allah which we should have and so this transgression is not pleasing to Allah.

    Once you talk to a woman, Satan whispers on both sides, you like her looks, get attracted etc and you overlook qualities which you should be really looking in to and this is not beneficial as well.

    So brother, abstain from love and seek refuge of Allah from whispers of Satan.

    You may love someone with "true love" after marriage. When desires will be away and reality will be in its place. That is the time when test of love begins.

    Repent to Allah.
    Alhamdulillaah, she has entered Islam, give her congratulations and greetins on our behalf.

    Regarding marriage with her, you may like to consider below points:

    1. Is she really interested in Islam and has become Muslim by a call from within or just to get "this" marriage through?
    2. Did you have expectations prior to meeting her regarding what kind of wife you want?
    3. Did you overlook any those expectations and decided to marry her? Check this with yourself well in order to avoid future conflicts and regret in making choice.
    4. Do you see in her a "progressing" Muslimah?
    5. Do you really want to be with her and make a successful marriage with her?
    6. Do you think the purpose of your life and your priorities in life seem to be fulfilled by marrying her?
    7. Ask the girl if she is ready for a marriage and put forward your priorities "openly", "frankly" to her.

    Think about these points well before making any decision.

    As far as parents are concerned and an Imam is brought to explain them, it may not work. If parents do not understand their own son's choice and words, would they understand a total stranger even if he be an imam? You may give it a try though, there is no harm, if Allah wills, they may pay heed to the Imam's words.

    As far as my opinion goes, it is the kids who have to be with each other in their married life, if they choose, let them choose, except if there is something "faulty" or "unislamic" in that person.

    Alhamdulillaah, she has entered Islam and so I encourage this marriage only on one condition: as Sister Z said, do you think this would help you both in making improvements in your worldly life for a better aakhirah? If yes, say Bismillaah and go for it.

    Allah is with the good. Allah is with those who believe. And Allah is with those who ward off evil.

    I hope the advice helps and your question is answered to your satisfaction.

    Salaam,
    Your brother,
    Munib.

    * * *
    Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  3. ASA brother!
    I know exacatly how you are feeling! Im in the same situation. There is a good muslim i love and loves me...but his family wants nothing to do with me because i am not arab! I will tell you what i tell the man i love. Do what your heart tells you. Your family will say many things but they will NOT afford to lose a son! They will gain a daughter. Yes, they will be upset for a while but this cannot last forever, once they see how happy she makes you and you make her, they will understand! Or do you rather make you family happy by marrying someone you dont love, ruin your life, the women you love,and the women you dont love. Please brother... think about it! You must give it all if you feel this is true love! There is nothing wrong with being from a different country/culture! As long as you two are good muslims that is all that matters! Dont let the love of your life go away!! Good luck! And may Allah guide you,and help you make the best decision. BTW have you tried praying Surat Al-Baqarah? Give it a try if not 🙂
    Blessings your way

  4. Salaams ozan
    Firstly sisterz advice is well said and I really admire you masallah you always give really helpful advice to people who are even lost you somehow make the abilities/connection to understand and to guide a person through there difficult time you have so much passion to what you give and I really admire that from you from the heart. May Allah reward you for the hard work you do and help people ameen and the other brother’s editor Wael, Munib and sister’s Maria and Sara ameen.

    For you brother this is very difficult situation and hard to chose. But the thing I can really honestly share with you is that try pursing your parents has I till this day believe parents are there for a reason maybe this is a culture thing because brother you are Turkish maybe they feel she wont understand the culture and also the way each family to their own, this is a trust issue of the tradition so on. Time to time I have from my own experience seen so many muslims fighting over ridiculous things like caste issues and this even today makes me so angry why?. What gives people the right to downgrade anyone just because they are not the same as you? Allah as made each one of us different for a reason and this is why it is a test path for all of us. So your situation is no different and does not surprise me except I feel you pain. Brother your story not any different to someone falling in love and one I don’t ever see myself in and I too obey my parents and they come first on top of everything else. There are too many people chasing things are not meant to be when there are so much that needs improving. Parents are parents, people you need to stop saying parents are not good parents of course there are I know there are some who don’t have the right intentions for their children’s but at the end of the day children should listen to their parents as well. Brother all I will say to you is if you truly love this sister and she is a good muslimah then marry her with your parents blessings I don’t think they will disowen you somehow they will have to give in to your happiness as well and say ulhumdiallah.

  5. Your grown, she's grown. There are no laws stopping you. If your parent's will not stand by and the woman you choose to marry then they are bad parents and you don't need them anyways.

    • Hmm, thats abit of an immature thing to say. The parents are stuck in their culture, that does not make them bad parents.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. should I disobey my parents to become a muslim?

    • Assalamu alaykum Tamara,

      Yes, for sure. The Prophets & Messengers of Allah (peace be upon them) had to part ways from their parents, had to reject worship of what their fathers worshipped instead of Allah.

      So when it comes to choose between following Islam or parents who are against it, you should follow Islam, the path of one who repents to Allah and not the path of those who reject faith.

      100% you can disobey them, but with kindness at the same time because they are your parents.

      Sister Tamara, Allah shows you a way in the Surah of Wisdom, Surah Luqmaan:

      12. And verily We gave Luqman wisdom, saying: Give thanks unto Allah; and whosoever giveth thanks, he giveth thanks for (the good of) his soul. And whosoever refuseth Lo! Allah is Absolute, Owner of Praise.
      13. And (remember) when Luqman said unto his son, when he was exhorting him: O my dear son! Ascribe no partners unto Allah. Lo! to ascribe partners (unto Him) is a tremendous wrong
      14. And We have enjoined upon man concerning his parents. His mother beareth him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Give thanks unto Me and unto thy parents. Unto Me is the journeying.
      15. But if they strive with thee to make thee ascribe unto Me as partner that of which thou hast no knowledge, then obey them not. Consort with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who repenteth unto Me. Then unto Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what ye used to do.
      16. O my dear son! Lo! though it be but the weight of a grain of mustard seed, and though it be in a rock, or in the
      heavens, or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. Allah is Subtile, Aware.
      17. O my dear son! Establish worship and enjoin kindness and forbid iniquity, and persevere whatever may befall thee. Lo! that is of the steadfast heart of things.
      18. Turn not thy cheek in scorn toward folk, nor walk with pertness the land. Lo! Allah loveth not each braggart boaster.
      19. Be modest in thy bearing and subdue thy voice. Lo! in harshest of all voices is the voice of the ass.
      20. See ye not how Allah hath made serviceable unto you whatsoever is in the skies and whatsoever is in the earth and hath loaded you with His favours both without and within? Yet of mankind is he who disputeth concerning Allah, without knowledge or guidance or a Scripture giving light.
      21. And if it be said unto them: Follow that which Allah hath revealed, they say: Nay, but we follow that wherein we found our fathers. What! Even though the devil were inviting them unto the doom of flame?
      22. Whosoever surrendereth his purpose to Allah while doing good, he verily hath grasped the firm hand hold. Unto Allah belongeth the sequel of all things.
      23. And whosoever disbelieveth, let not his disbelief afflict thee (O Muhammad). Unto Us is their return, and We shall tell them what they did. Lo! Allah is Aware of what is in the breasts (of men).
      24. We give them comfort for a little, and then We drive them to a heavy doom.

      Hope these ayaats show you a way to Islam and answer your question.

      Salaam,
      Your brother.

  7. Same problem with me. I want to marry this Muslim girl that I have been talking to for a year. But my mother is being against me in marrying her, telling me that im young and shes older than you and also telling me about her family background of them being poor.I did salat istikhara twice and the outcome has turned out to be good alhdamdililah. I want to know if It's okay to marry her if my parents aren't happy with it? I told them its my life I'm gonna marry the one I love and listen to Allahs dream that he made me dream of.

  8. Assalamu alaykum

    • khan, please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah. And do not post your email address in comments. However, if all you want is information about forgiveness and tawbah, you can read some of our articles on these subjects (links at the top of the page).

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Assalamu alaykum
    plz show me the way of allah forgive me I had lot of mistakes in my life I had massage and get happy ending disobey parents beating parents and no pray inly Friday plz plz.help me some times I hate by my on self plz help me

Leave a Response