Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Distressed about my marriage

Ashamed woman, sad woman, depressed woman

Asalamalaikum,

I apologize in advance for the long post, but please read it all if you can. Your help will be greatly appreciated!

I am young female in my early twenties. I recently got married (I had a nikkah performed but I am still residing with my parents), and I am having many problems in my marital life.

To begin with, I got married to my husband even though his parents didn't approve of me. The reason for their disapproval and unhappiness is because he is their only child, and they had a desire to live with their son forever. My husband, on the other hand, always had a desire to live separately as he is born and brought up in the West; bu twhen he brought this idea up on many occasions his request was put down. It came to a point where he made a compromise to live in a duplex home with his parents.

When my husband met me, he asked if I was okay living in a joint-family system. I responded by saying I am willing to consider it, but I have to meet my potential in laws first to see if I can fit into their lifestyle. If I cannot, I’d prefer to reside separately. Now my in laws are very traditional people who expect their daughter-in-law to be quiet, do all the household chores, cook and serve them. I am an educated woman pursuing my Masters. They have been residing in the West for the past 27 years, but they live in a bubble. They have no social life (they don’t go outside, no dinners, nothing) and his mom is the quietest woman I have ever met. She doesn’t talk until talked to, and responds only to what is asked. Basically, you cannot strike a social conversation with her. It is so difficult that we have given up on her at this point.

When I met his family I realized I would not be able to adjust with them because I live a very different lifestyle. I am cultural, but at the same time I have adapted certain customs from the west. My in laws are completely traditional and have separated themselves from the Western lifestyle in every way. After my in laws met me they approved of me. However, I told my husband that although I like his parents I do not think I can live with them because my lifestyle is very different from theirs.

As a side note, my husband is a really educated man but every proposal his parents considered prior to me, the girl’s family always rejected them. Most of the times the reason was his family being too traditional and his father seeming too dominating. My husband was beginning to get frustrated that things weren’t working out for him. So when it came to my proposal and he saw that I displayed some interest in him, he immediately told his parents after they came from my house that he wants to live separately as this was always his desire. They however took this very offensively and began disliking me.

They blamed me for all sorts of things, such as me taking them away from their son. His mother even asked him, “What do you see in her?” Please note, alhumdulillah I am a very beautiful woman (I am not saying this with any ego or pride—people have told me this themselves). I have never been rejected for a single marriage proposal. Even though I am married, any wedding I go to people still ask my parents for my hand in marriage but I am obviously married now. So when his mother said that, I felt so hurt. I consider myself a kind hearted, caring and beautiful person, so I do not know why she could say such mean things about me. My mother-in-law has never called me beautiful- not even on my wedding day, which hurts a lot. She only hugged me after her son requested her to do so. When I entered the banquet hall, she was looking somewhere else while everyone was looking at me. People asked my parents after the nikkah what is wrong with her, is she not happy with this marriage? What more is she looking for in a daughter-in-law?

Prior to my nikkah, his mother didn’t even want to call my family over for dinner after my parents returned from Hajj. He had to force his parents to do so. And when my parents went over, they blatantly rejected me in front of my parents. My eyes were filled with tears, at which point my parents tried to convince them that "they both like each other, please for their happiness let them get married". Otherwise my dad told me that he wouldn’t sit at their place for a minute if they said no, but seeing me in pain he asked them to accept me. His dad is so stubborn, he blatantly said no. Meanwhile my husband said he was going to marry only me and no one else, so it didn’t matter what he was saying (he said this to his father right then and there).

I felt stuck in the middle. I love this man, but his parents clearly dislike me so much that they openly rejected me in my face. Things got so bad, my husband moved out and began living on his own. I told him I couldn’t live this life and to just end things between us but he wouldn’t listen. He began going psycho and started hitting himself. He would bang his head across the walls, punch himself, etc. He began coping destructively because he was so angry with his parents for not letting him get married to the girl of his choice.

With much force and persuasion from his end, his parents agreed to let us get married. We got married, but my in laws never call me. They only called me once to ask if I knew where their son was because he wasn’t picking up their phone. I let everything go, even the fact that my in laws didn’t give me a single gift on my nikkah. My husband gave me everything. My mother-in-law gave me a dress for eid after her son pushed her to do so, and although she knew my clothing size, she gave me a dress I can’t even fit into.

I let all of this go, but I am so unhappy. People say just focus on your relationship with your husband and although he’s good most of the time, when he gets really upset he goes psycho. He hits himself. Just recently he tied a rope around his neck and tried strangling himself. I am traumatized by him and this marriage. I love this man but I am so unhappy. The only thing that keeps me bonded to him is my love for him and his kindness towards me. Otherwise I would have filed for divorce long time ago. We have even tried counseling, but things are not changing. Not only that, we have financial issues now as he can’t find a job in his field and many times I provide him money.

I have become depressed, and many times think of committing suicide because I can’t leave him nor can I stay with him.

Please tell me what to do. I can’t live like this any longer, and I want to make a firm decision about my marriage soon—either to stay or leave forever.

-DepressedMuslimah

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36 Responses »

  1. Honestly I can surely say you are not a practicing muslimah, who submits his will to the will of god, you take pride in incorporating western customs which I am sure against Islam.

    you first learn the married islamic life and then re think your problems. i am a research scholar abode in scotland , So no countries custom will change you unless you want to

    • Assalaamualaikam

      We must be very careful when alleging that another person is not a believer:

      The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,
      "When a person calls his brother (in Islam) a disbeliever, one of them will certainly deserve the title, If the addressee is so as he has asserted, the disbelief of the man is confirmed, but if it is untrue, then it will revert to him."

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Asalamalaikum,

      I believe you misunderstood me. When I say I have adopted certain Western customs, I mean in terms of lifestyle (and they are not haram customs).

  2. Hello with Ass Salam o Allaykum,

    I have read your mail and I am very much confident and assure you not to worry, soon you will be out of depression and all your desire would come true, Only you have to trust on Allah and Allah always says "Whatever submits has whole self of Allah, and is a doer of good, has grasped indeed the most trustworthy hand-hold: and with Allah rests the End and Decision of (all) affairs"
    (Al-Quran Luqman 22)

    In short you trust on Allah and have complete faith on him, Inshallah very soon you will get whatever you desire, just leave it to him and see the miracle with all good deeds.

    Regards
    Sayeed

  3. asalamu alaikum,

    I've read your post, and I can understand your view. but you have to realize something its not un-common for the in-law to behave in such a way. to be honest you might be lucky compared to the other sisters who are getting far worse treatment. some are getting physically and verbally abused by the in-laws, while the husband puts a blind eye. on top of it sharing a house with the in-laws with no intention of moving out.

    when you go through hard times, just remember their are people who have it worse.

    I know what your in-law is doing is wrong, but don't let their treatment crop into your marriage. you cant please everybody. really what do you want from your in-laws? praises every time? you just maintain your good conduct from your side. in a way its not a bad thing for your in-laws to have less contact compared to some who invade their privacy and dominate the couples lives.

    on this site, I've read stories about the guy never stand up for the woman, nor does he speaks out, rather quiet like a wimp. you don't know what you have till its gone.

    you are in your early twenties, I don't know what vision you had about your married life, surely it wasn't going to be just about getting treated well by the in-laws was is it? put more effort in how you want to build your home.

    you have financial issues, because your husband cant find work in his field. has he thought about working in a place different than his work field? during drastic time drastic measures need to be taken. surely you can look for factory/warehouse work were you pick and pack items or even a cleaning job. as long the pay is halaal it should be okay, during that period he can seek work for his usual field. sometimes in life you cant be picky.

    you do your part, pray to Allah(swt) and put your trust in him.

    also suicide is a temporary solution to a bigger problem. you have a loving parents you know what would happen if you did such a thing? for your action you can destroy your parents happiness.

    if you had a child you would understand, because your child becomes your world and happiness.

    ma salama...

    • I agree with everything you said, mashaAllah.

    • Asalamalaikum,

      JazakAllah Khairun for your reply, brother.

      I agree on many things you’ve said. I do believe I am not as mature as other girls around me but I am trying my best to be. I do believe I am enduring a lot though and many girls would have left long time ago. I found out certain things about my husband that have hurt me immensely but I am trying to move past that. In addition it isn’t acceptable to the slightest bit for my husband to break doors in my parent’s home (where I reside) when we have an argument. He has done this twice. The police have been involved many times as well and my mother has had two panic attacks because of my husband’s violent behaviour. These are not easy things for me to accept. My father at this point dislikes him and doesn’t even speak to him properly because of the scenes he’s created in his home.

      My husband can be a loving and caring person but how can I trust such a man who can turn into a monster when angry? If things don’t go his way or he feels I am arguing unnecessarily he uses extreme measures to “shut me up”. Once he took a fist in front of my face and said, “You see this?
      This is for you but since I can’t hit you...” and he punched himself. How can I ever feel secure around such a man? My parents are so worried wondering what will happen when we live on our own, or even worse when we have children? What if he acts out then, who will I go to protect, my children or him?

      Also, please note, when he tied the rope around his neck to strangle himself (which he told me he wasn’t doing to strangle himself) he did it in my bedroom in my parents’ home. Both my parents had to come and help loosen the rope including myself because he was holding on to it so strongly and choking himself. Imagine if I was home alone and it was only me trying to loosen the rope, what if he died and my finger prints were on that rope and there was no suicide note? I’m sure I’d be arrested for murder. These things scare my parents and me. My husband is unstable and cannot be trusted. I do not feel safe with this man. He terrifies me.

      For this reason I do not know if our marriage can be salvaged. I’ve given him many chances and ultimatums but all go to vain. He knows I’m weak, it’s hard for me to leave but now I’m reaching my breaking point and I really don’t think I can live this life any longer. I rather be with a man that is less loving but doesn’t traumatize me like this than to live with a man who showers me with love but then has another side to him when he gets angry.

      P.S.: We have tried counseling and it's made no difference in his behaviour.

      • Also,

        Just to add on to my last reply, my husband is applying for minimum wage jobs right now along with applying to jobs in his field. We are trying to slowly yet surely work on our financial situation. There isn't much more we can do other then apply for jobs and wait, but it has become a worry for us (although we are trying to remain optimistic).

        • AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

          I'd urge you to listen very carefully to what Brother Ahmed and Sister A are saying below. They are really making sense. So put the emotion aside for a bit, and then watch the situation again, and then follow the advice/suggestions given.

      • As-salamu Alaykum,
        This last post of yours is very concerning and sheds more light on the situation. Sister, I am sure you know that it is abnormal to behave this way, but perhaps you are looking for someone to validate your feelings and suspicions. Personally, I have a young daughter and would not entrust her in marriage to someone who displayed such behavior. If you cannot feel safe with your husband, what does that mean for your future? A marriage is so that spouses may dwell in tranquility with one another, but you are already experiencing feelings of terror, insecurity, and turmoil before you even live together. Please take these red flags seriously and act accordingly. Alhumdulellah, it looks like you have the support of your parents, so you have to be strong and make the right choice for yourself, your well-being, and that of your future children.

      • walaikum asalam,

        thx you for your reply, I will try to brief as possible, straight to the point inshallah.

        firstly believe it or not in most cases counseling is useless. your husband has a psycho mentality. guys like that will eventually take his anger on you, in due time. I'm really surprised guys with suicidal thoughts usually be sent to a hospital with 24 hour watch.

        you said your husband is unstable and cannot be trusted. I do not feel safe with this man. He terrifies me.so why are you still with him? you said you love him, so where does love fit into all this? this is not love, seems one sided. if he truly loved you, he would think twice before going on a rampage. does he not understand or grasp the situation, that his craziness is scaring you?

        right now you have the best opportunity to leave this marriage, since you are still young without children. the first step is the hardest.

        does your husband admit he has a problem? does he want to change? if not then that's a big problem. when your husband turns sane, does he apologize for what he said and done? or does he just ignores it?

        first step to healing, you have to first admit you have an issue and want to change, otherwise its pointless.

        I don't know how old your husband is, but a real man during hard situation never takes it out on himself nor anyone else. he knows that's part of life.

        get your husband a full check up, to see if theirs any problems with his brain/cells etc. tell your doctor about his suicidal so he could be monitored, also if by chance anything happens at least the doctor will have it on record.

        you maybe weak, but don't be played a fool. everyone has goals aspirations in life, don't let one lunatic destroy your future.

        did your parents notify your in-laws regarding their mental son, who tried to commit suicide, if so what did they say?

        sadly a lot of young sisters get treated like a door mat which can be easily made right if only the sisters took a stand. not just suffer in silence and wait to see if he does this again or not.

        if you still want to be with him, then don't move out until his behavior changes. its good, keep applying for jobs. he will find one inshallah.

        also since you elaborated on your situations, it seems its far worse than your post.

        ma salama...

        • Aslamaalaikum,

          I am a very weak person, I am so scared of making a decision (such as filing for divorce) and regretting it down the road. What if I never find a man who loves me the way my husband does again (he is extremely loving when he is in a good mood)? What if I never forget him? What if another man I marry isn’t as caring, or doesn’t take care of my needs the way my husband does. These thoughts catch me every single time.

          My mom tells me to ignore my in-law issues but she can’t get past his anger issues. My dad has concluded he is a psycho and doesn’t even want to get involved now. I know I can push my husband’s buttons a lot, sometimes I get very argumentative which isn’t right at all but to act out in such extreme ways, I really cannot live with that. I grew up in an abusive environment my whole life (my father still attempts to abuse me at times) and I begged Allah to take me away from such a life but He put me in another abusive environment. I just don’t get it. Why couldn’t He just take my husband away from me on His own? He knows I’m so weak. More so, why did He introduce another abusive man into my life?

          In addition my husband does admit he has a problem and feels very bad the next day when things calm down between us. That is when he becomes very affectionate and loves me a lot. We began counselling because I told him I want to exhaust all options to see if this marriage can be salvaged. I know it's very hard for him to control his anger and he doesn't know how to cope in a healthy way, although we've both talked about it many times, including with the counsellor. I just don't know what more to do.

          My mom, dad and elder cousin (he is someone we confide in a lot) will be coming over this week to speak to me personally about my marital issues. My cousin told my mother that if we make a decision on her behalf then she has to stick with it and cannot cry for him later because she’s reaching out for our help. I have a feeling they are all going to suggest I file for divorce, especially after this attempted suicide incident.

          Please pray for me and ask Allah swt to do what is best for my duniya and akhirat. On one hand I can’t imagine my life without my husband. I gave him my body, soul, heart –everything but on the other hand I don’t feel safe in isolation with him, especially when he’s not in a good mood.

          • you might be weak, but you have to remember, you are a married young adult. you make the decision you want, speak up when needed to. if you do decide to leave I don't think you will regret it that much, it depends. theirs plenty of real good guys around who will treat you 10x better.

            you say your husband is really loving when he is in good mood? he's only loving when he wants and what will happen when you really need your husband but he's in a bad mood? when will he be in a good mood? can you imagine everyday you are thinking if your husband in a good mood or not.

            in due time you will forget about him, it takes time not something happens overnight. your husband loves you when in good mood, living off your money what needs is he fulfilling? it takes time you will find that special someone.

            how often does your husband turn crazy? is it daily? weekly? what makes him to lose his mind? I just cant understand what could he be so mad about to the extent he is beating himself, trying to commit suicide. don't you think he is going too much extreme? you said he is educated, so does it not cross his mind what he is doing has no benefit whatsoever? if he does these things on petty issue what would he do if he found out his parents or friends past away? would he turn berserk?

            did you tell your in-laws about their sons craziness who attempted suicide?
            if you want to be with your husband then make sure you say it.

            I don't know how you gonna make the marriage work since you don't feel safe in isolation with him.

        • Assalam 3aleykoum Brother,

          I quote: "right now you have the best opportunity to leave this marriage, since you are still young without children. the first step is the hardest".

          I dont think divorce is the best solution for every marital problem. Yes it is allowed in Islam but dont you know how angry it makes Allah SWT when two people divorce to the point that Allah SWT's arsh shakes?

          There is no medical proof to state that her husband is majnoon (one reason for divorce). So why not encourage to have hope in Allah SWT?

          Isnt Allah SWT the best knower of all things and reason why these two got married against all odds?

          Dont you think that it could be that Allah SWT is testing both couples on their iman and sabr?

          There are many sister's out there who are single and even single mothers and believe me its no joke the pain they go through because of a divorce.

          Its too early to determine if divorce is the solution.

          • Wa Alaikum Salaam SisterZahriya,

            I do not think brother Ahmed actually meant that the divorce should be the first thing to do. The good advice/suggestions he gave later explained that the divorce should be the last thing to do. For example, he said the following statements:

            "does your husband admit he has a problem? does he want to change? if not then that's a big problem. when your husband turns sane, does he apologize for what he said and done? or does he just ignores it?"

            "get your husband a full check up, to see if theirs any problems with his brain/cells etc. tell your doctor about his suicidal so he could be monitored, also if by chance anything happens at least the doctor will have it on record."

            "if you still want to be with him, then don't move out until his behavior changes. its good, keep applying for jobs. he will find one inshallah."

          • There are many sister's out there who are divorced and single and even single mothers and believe me its no joke ?

            I didn't say its a joke. it takes both parties to make a marriage work. woman in their early twenties have far more chance to remarry compared to sisters who are in their 30's.

            the situation seems far worst than being divorce.

            you might be able to laugh it off by having a crazy husband, fortunately not every woman has your mentality.

            a close friend of mine got married to a divorce sister with a child. so we don't know what the future holds.

          • Salam sister Zahriya,

            I am a divorced single mother. Yes it is painful at first to split up with the one you love and hold so dear and it was the most hardest and painful decision in my life! But Alhamdulliah I am at so much peace now. I do not feel anything for my husband. My kids have also forgotten about their father.

            I am grateful to Allah to be free of my abusive husband. I was going mental dealing with the torture day in and day out. It is definitly not a joke! You do not know how excruciatingly painful it is to live in a marriage where you are constantly struggling to reform your husband. Women are not sent to this world to put up with a abusive husband. Divorce is allowed for these situations do why must someone suffer so much for what? If you can avoid harm then why still continue being harmed. I was going mental with my ex husband.

            I am so much happier now! I only wish i divorced him earlier! It would have saved me years of heartache trying to make it work and saved my money too! I wouldn't have been in so much debt today!

            Million dollar to question. To stay in an abusive unhappy marriage and be miserable all your life trying? Or divorce and live as a single parent? I will choose single parent everyday! For me marriage is about love and compassion and praying and worshipping Allah together. Why marry to be abused and depressed? How can this man raise kids or be the leader of the family in this state?

          • Thank you Brother Issa and the clarification, I believe you understood me better than Brother Ahmed.

            Sister Sumaira, its a beautiful gasture to share your experience. It sheds some light on areas where the OP (if she choses the option of leaving her husband) can attain hope from the experience.

          • Assalam Aleykoum Brother Ahmed,

            I dont know why you would say "you might be able to laugh it off by having a crazy husband, fortunately not every woman has your mentality".

            Why do you seem to think I am laughing?

            And how do you know my mentality?

            Please dont answer any of those. They are just rhetoric questions. However as a Muslim, its not really a beautiful adab for a brother to assume such from anyone that you do not personally know. My response was a genuine opinion of my own (which differed to your opinion), and even though I reread my post, there was nothing there that could have triggered any friction on your part. And if you didnt mean anything bad in your response then InshaAllah try to be a little noble in your response in the future.

            JazakaAllah,

            Sister Zahriya

          • first off, when I say anything it is not to offend you or anyone. trying to hurt anyone is a total waste of my precious time. I didn't come on here to exchange messages with fellow posters.

            everyone has rights to their own opinions, suggestions even a little help to provide to those who are seeking advice/help. so it makes no sense when a fellow poster has something to say to another poster just because you don't agree with something. where did your beautiful adab go? although you misread my post to begin with.

            everyone has their say, just because I don't agree doesn't mean I have to point that out. its also not my job to convince you or anyone why I wrote such a thing.

            have you noticed on previous post, so many posters tend to have this internal dialogue? why? the original poster came for advice, but due to internal conflict everyone trying to convince one another from their point of view. the original poster is confused on what is happening. this exactly what is happening now.

            that's why is rare for me to read other peoples post, let alone respond to other poster comment.

            so please, if you don't agree with someone doesn't mean you have to say anything, just respect their opinion. just like how I respect other posters opinions and suggestions.

            peace..

          • I didn't come here to argue. We all have our opinions. The OP does not need to get confused, because she will find the truth Biidhnillah. She does not need to listen to just one opinion and go with it.

            InshaAllah, she will find her answers. (I will not continue with this because believe it or not I totally agree with you on.... "have you noticed on previous post, so many posters tend to have this internal dialogue? why? the original poster came for advice, but due to internal conflict everyone trying to convince one another from their point of view."

            Salaam

        • There is nothing wrong with replying to another poster's remark (hence why there is a reply button). And just because there is a dialogue (and I view it in a positive light) between Posters, it doesn't mean that the OP will be confused or there are internal conflicts - it may actually help them think and weigh the pros and cons.

      • as salam o alaikum,
        i don't understand why are u in this relationship. Allah SWT has given u a brain to think and make good and righteous and correct decision. if ur husband is acting like this before u have moved in with him how do u think he will behave after u have moved in. I think you should first talk to him and tell him u are giving him 6 months time to change his behavior otherwise u are going to be out of this relationship. check him for 6 months before u move in with him. and do ISTIKHARA before u move in. If he has been physical with u now aggressively then he is surely gonna be physical with u after ur moving in with him because he has come from a very confined and isolated family and will get his anger out on you. u will feel choked up in this relationship. u are still young and can get married again . u are in a western country where survival is not hard and people are open minded. the guys wants to be away from his parents which he cant because of religious reasons and if his parents would have loved him they would have changed because of their sons love but they are like typical desi parents using their kids for their wishes. i have seen these type of relationship don't work out. get out when u still have time.do Istikhara or talk to ur masjid imam or muslim marriage counselor. May Allah help u in making a right decision.AMEEN

  4. As-salamu Alaykum, Sister,
    In general, I think most in-law problems can be resolved amicably, especially if the husband supports his wife, which it seems that your husband does. However, the big red flag in your post is that your husband strangles and harms himself when upset. I do not know the psychology of what makes him do that, but it sounds very frightening and could become a really big issue once you move in together. I would be worried that he would seriously hurt himself or start using the same maneuvers on you or your children. Watching someone harm himself (even if just for show) would also be something very horrifying for a wife and children to witness. I do not have specific advice on this issue, but I wanted to at least point this out so that you can ponder the implications of this behavior a little more.

    • However, the big red flag in your post is that your husband strangles and harms himself when upset.

      I agree with you Sister. She should help him get some counseling about it before it gets worse.

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    Given your husband's actions, I would have concerns that he could be psychologically unwell - I would strongly advise that he seeks help and support from his GP or family doctor - they should be able to put him in touch with professional counsellors or therapists, inshaAllah.

    It may be that your in-laws come to accept you in time, or they may continue with their current opinions; but this is down to them and does not mean that you are a bad person or unworthy of love and respect. Your marriage is between you and your husband, so focus on that relationship, and trust in Allah that He will guide you and your husband through this.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  6. Hi, my advise is don't worry, and pray for help.
    I wonder how those old dudes of your husband got into the USA when they're looking all traditional everything.. I mean if they wanted to be traditional and everything they can just leave in their country of origin. Personally i've been raised with colonial mentality i like USA hard music, etc.. and I've never been to USA and if given a chance I wanted to.

  7. Assalam 3aleykoum dear editors,

    What happened? I just lost my position on the pending que! I just added a few paragraphs on my post then all of a sudden 'puff' I am the last on the pending list. Please advise. And is there a better way to contact the editors directly for technical errors like this instead of taking over somone else's post? Sorry for any inconvenience.

    SisterZahriya

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Posts are published in the order received, for the most part. The pending list visible to users updates based on when a post was last changed, so that the more recently edited or received posts are at the end, but this doesn't mean your place in queue has been lost - that's based on when you first submit your post as pending.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  8. Peace be upon you my Sister in Islam,

    First of all I apologise for taking over your post with my own/personal request from the editors previously.

    As for your situation, please have Sabr. There are in-laws worst off than yours. Say Al7amdulillah that your mother in law does not strike a converstaion that very much. If she is the quiet type then isnt it better than the one who interferes with much nonsense talk in your marriage?

    Put your parents in their shoe and ask yourself how you would have wanted your husband to treat them. I am sure you would want him to be kinder, supportive, softer and understanding toward them. So treat them as if they are your own parents.

    Most parents who have only one child are very dependent on that one child. Remember they are getting old and in a foreign country. They want to uphold their traditions and what makes them comfortable in this western part of the world. There is also that fear of "who is going to take care of us when we are very old and helpless". I am the last of eight kids and my mom sometimes worries about who will care for her when she is helpless (MashaAllah she is very independent and travels alot to visit all of us). And we all lover her and want her to have the best from us, yet she worries.

    Please, think of them as if they are your own parents. Be kinder to them and love them as if they are your own.

    Dont give up on your husband. Allah SWT has plans for you and reasons for you to be married to this man. He seems stressed and he needs your affection. Be there for him. Make dua for Allah SWT to help him with his psychologial response to problems. Beating hismself, strangling himself is not normal. Does he pray? Show him the right way. Encourage him towards Allah SWT. Show him the light and Allah SWT will easen your burden.

    Much prayers for you,
    Sister Zahriya

  9. Sister,

    It's a shame that your husbands parents are unable or unwilling to see the damage they have done to their only child. He is torn by wanting a normal relationship with you on one hand and on the other, he wants to please his parents. It is a shame that counseling has not helped. I know that you say you love him and I am sure that you do. However, in such an abusive and unstable relationship, you put yourself in harms way and that is the scary part. Your husband needs help and if he doesn't get it, things can only spiral downwards from here. Either he get some help or you are going to have to look inward and determine what your next step needs to be. If divorce is the best solution, so be it. The most important thing to know is that you are trying your best to make things work by going to counseling and being patient. However even in the best of marriages, sometimes this is not enough. Alhumdillilah, your family is there by your side to help you and any decision in regards to divorce is yours and yours alone. You need to do what is best for you.

    Salam

  10. Asalamalaikum Brothers and Sisters,

    Thank you all for taking out your precious to write to me. I truly appreciate it.

    I am trying my best to be strong, but it is so difficult for me, the reason being my husband is extremely loving and caring with me, but when he’s really upset (it happens whenever we argue and often when I say
    I won’t stay in this stress with him forever) he becomes self-destructive.

    Just currently I found out I was pregnant (I had no idea regarding this) and a miscarriage. It was a very early pregnancy and he was with me in the hospital all day making sure I was okay. He was so caring and considerate. These things make me re-think if I should end our marriage twice.

    Also, in my culture it is a huge thing if a girl was previously married and an even a bigger thing if she is no longer a virgin. My mother found out a few days a go herself when I had to head to the hospital She’s been sad that I decided to give up my virginity as well especially because I am “only” nikkahed and not living with him yet. But I decided to give myself to my husband in the fear he might cheat on me due to fitnah in the outside world and I wanted to do everything to save my marriage. It now seems like this is back firing on me though. Who would ever want to marry a non-virgin. It’s not as easy many people say it is. I am 24 and running out of time.

    I have decided that I will begin performing istikhara soon and just make duaa to Allah swt continuously. I will then observe how events in my life unfold (in the positive or negative direction) and make a decision for myself and stick to it.

    Please remember me in your duaas, this is not an easy decision for me at all. If he was purely abusive it would have been so much easier but my husband has two extreme ends (extremely loving, meaning he will go as far as to my favourite restaurant which is 40 minutes from my home to get me food to breaking the doors if I argue with him and tell him I can’t take this stress and will leave if these problems persist).

    Sometimes I feel it’s because he loves me so much that when I argue with him it hurts him immensely and he hurts himself. He has never hurt himself otherwise (i.e., when I do not argue with him). In any case, it is wrong and if it doesn’t stop I just can’t stay and I am slowly starting to build strength in this regard.

    • As-salamu Alaykum,

      Sister, from things I have read over the years about abuse...an abuser is rarely abusive 24/7. It goes in cycles, and an abuser can be very nice or charming the rest of the time.

      From Wikipedia:

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

      Reconciliation/Honeymoon Phase:

      Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident. This phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage the abuser feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness, or at least pretends to. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse, stay in the relationship.

      Sister, above you mentioned that your father is also abusive, and you questioned why you are now in another abusive environment within your marriage. Maybe this is because we often seek out what is familiar to us...which also makes it harder for us to recognize the things that are harmful to us. Maybe somewhere inside yourself you don't believe you deserve better. I don't really know. All I know is that once you have children, things become a lot more complicated. I feel really sad about you losing your child and can imagine how you feel. But maybe Allah SWT is giving you a second chance to examine your marriage and what is right for you and your future children. Continue to pray Istikharah, and always imagine what it would be like to bring a child into such an environment.

    • Assalam alaikum Sister,

      You wrote the following:

      "What if I never find a man who loves me the way my husband does again (he is extremely loving when he is in a good mood)? What if I never forget him? What if another man I marry isn’t as caring, or doesn’t take care of my needs the way my husband does. These thoughts catch me every single time."

      These are natural feelings to have, but I don't think a person should accept abuse because of the fear of having no love.

      You also wrote:

      I know I can push my husband’s buttons a lot, sometimes I get very argumentative which isn’t right at all but to act out in such extreme ways, I really cannot live with that.

      I don't a wife can MAKE a non-abusive man into an abusive person - so please do not fall into the trap of blaming yourself.

      Yes, you may wonder why Allah took you from an abusive home to put you into another - but Sister, you have to realize that ultimately Allah wants us to fear Him alone, worship Him alone and be dependent on Him alone. Often our worse fears come to the forefront of our lives, so that we can overcome them, not just run away from them. There was a person in my life who I feared a lot and they too were very abusive. It finally happened that I had no choice to face them like an adult, and even though I would normally fall silent, I learnt to say what was needed. For you, in your case, you have to think like an adult, feel that you are justified in fighting for yourself and now for your child.

      If you feel powerless to speak for yourself, that is deeply concerning and speaks to the fact that you need and your husband need to go for counselling. I don't know if you should remain with your husband especially given that now you are expecting. But if he is abusive (even if it is time to time and not 24 hrs a day), along with praying to Allah swt, you will need to take action to heal the relationship between both of you, and he will need to learn how to deal with HIS anger.

      I pray that Allah give you the strength to do what is right for you and your child, inn shaa Allah, Ameen.

  11. As salamu alaykum,

    My beloved muslimah, it is not your fault that he hurts himself or he gets out of control or that he wants to kill himself, he needs proffesional help to learn how to deal with anger, rage, dissapointment, ...and other issues that will appear, insha´Allah, during a proper psycological/psyquiatric treatment. This is tough, but there is no other way , something he has unsolved is shouting to get solved, insha´Allah.

    He cannot deal with it by himself and for sure, the first step to heal for him is to recognize he has a problem and that he needs help to solve it. If you want to stay in this marriage this is the first step to take, a commitment that he will look for proffesional help and that he will follow the advice given to him. This should be a must, because the process will get worse in time and even if you don´t want to stay in the marriage, insha´Allah, he feels the call of healing and look by himself for help.

    Related to you, it doesn´t matter if you decide to stay married or divorce, there is something called codependence, you should learn about it to get out of the circle of abusive relationships and insha´Allah, enter the circle of healthy relationships. If you feel this is too much for you, ask for help, there are meetings for women that have been on abusive relationships to learn how to heal the dependance on the abusive patterns and learn to react to red flags as physical or psycological abusive behaviours and to appreciate and value a healthy, balanced relationship. In my country you can ask your doctor or a social assistant to guide you and help you at the beginning of the process and to put you in contact with skilled proffesionals to assist you, insha´Allah.

    Please, remember that the first step to solve something it is to acknowledge its existence, the second to look for help if we are not able to deal with it by ourselves and the third one to follow the prescriptions, treatment or whatever is required to heal.

    Alhamdulillah, both of you are educated people and will understand that you both have some work to do before calling a child to this world to become healthy partners and conscious healthy parents but this is just my personal opinion, after reading your post and following comments.

    God knows all and best.

    My unconditional love,

    María M

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