Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Father distressed about seperation from daughter

dad child

Father and Daughter

Assalamu Alaikum

I am in a terrible situation in life where I have seperated with my wife who also has my 18 month old daughter with her. I have tried very hard to make things work but somehow it looks like we are just not compatible. And maybe it is because of how our relationship started off. I was married to a girl from my own country and while being married to her I got married to my second wife and she got pregnant. and only because of my unborn child I had decided to break off ties with my first wife as I felt she would not understand the situation.

But now after trying to make things work and spending 2years doing so, things have become so bad that my second wife was abusive, physically hitting me and many other torments. I feel bad for my daughter who I miss so much and is now with her mother in Indonesia. But I really feel now that Allah has taught me a valuable lesson. I didnt appreciate the qualities of my first wife and after being with my second wife I realized how bad a husband I was to my first wife. Now I want to go back to her because I feel my happiness is with her. I need to be healthy and mentally well to earn a living and continue my life normally, which is never possible with my second wife.

I would appreciate your kind advice on the islamic perspective on what should be done and if I do decide to divorce my second wife, what will be my rights as a father. Will I be doing wrong if i go back to my first wife?Is this  wrong in islam?am I being selfish, and does this make me a bad person?Kindly advise.



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1 Responses »

  1. Dear DistressedFather, Walaykumsalaam,

    I am sorry for the situation you are in. It must be extremely difficult for you not being able to see your daughter and added to that you have recently broken off from one wife and had a violent relationship with the other. It is unusual to hear of a wife beating her husband, its usually the other way around, but this is just as bad and you should not have to put up with it at all.

    You have clearly been through a difficult time and not been able to deal with having more than one wife. Polygamy has many challenges thrown along with it: natural jealousy between wives, husband not being able to divide time and affection equally etc.

    I will not advise you to leave your second wife as I am not in a position to do that. But I will say that you should not have to deal with her violence and abuse. However, you made a rash decision with leaving your first wife, so do not make the same mistake again. If you think your first wife may be behaving abusive due to a medical condition or post natal depression or that whatever it is is treatable with counselling or medicine, I would suggest you consider taking this route. With regards to your second wife, whether you take her back or not, sincere reconciliation is always good and this should not depend on whether you leave or stay with your first wife.

    Regarding your daughter, of course you have Islamic rights to have access to her if you choose to divorce. For solid advice, you should consult the law of the country you live in and of that country in which your daughter resides.


    Brother, I do not think you are a bad person at all, you just seem to be confused. Learn from your mistakes and think before you take any further steps with regards to divorcing your first wife and to re-marrying your second. InshaAllah one of the Editors will write in with better advice for you.

    May Allah make things easier and clearer for you and May He(swt) allow your daughter to be a part of your life.

    SisterZ Editor

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