Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Divorce and family relationship; will they ever forgive, accept me and not be disappointed/ashamed of me?

Divorced couple split in two

Divorce is often a traumatic experience.

Asalamu Alikum wa rahmatulallahu wa barakatu

I apologize in advance for this is a long story but one in which I need advice on. Some of the things I will talk about I know are haram and I am in the process of repenting for these Inshallah.
For two years I was involved with a man outside of marriage. For one reason or another he didn't ask for my hand. He traveled to his home country and it was assumed he would marry. However this did not happen, something that I found out till much later. I ended up going back to my home country for a holiday and whilst I was there I asked this first love if he truly was engaged or not. He confirmed he was and told me to follow what my mum plans for me. Couple days later my cousin proposes and I know everyone in our family wants us to get married. It's because of my parents that I agreed.

Once I returned from the holiday I learnt my first love had not proposed to any girl. He was waiting for me and hoping I would come back. After I learnt this my attitude and respect for my husband to be changed. I became very bitter to him, did not respect nor love him. And to this day it has not changed. I continue to speak to my first love as he often gives me some guidance like be nice to your husband, go forth with the marriage to make ur parents happy etc. after a year and a half of engagement, constant arguments, near break ups my fiance got his visa to enter the country I live in. After he came here my first love encouraged me to attain aqd (marriage) to make my mother happy. And so I did. I was in absolute tears as it was taking place.

Now 6months later I have asked for talaq, we both are still virgins as we haven't had the marriage ceremony. I don't want to be with this man, something i have told my mum before. I do not treat him as he deserves to be treated. Any girl would be lucky to have him. But I just can't stand him. Now my parents are saying I am free to do what I want. They said they will go and live back in home country (sell everything we have here) and they don't mind what I do (get divorced, study, work or travel abroad) and they said I can come visit them anytime but I will be treated like a guest. I am trying to convince them to take me with them.
I realise I am not a good Muslima at all. I have ruined and caused grief to so many people all because I couldn't stand up for myself in the beginning and say "No". I'm begging Allah SWT to allow my parents to forgive me. For I am terrified that I will not lead a joyous life at all if my parents are not happy.
What am I to do. If they say no we don't want you to come with us do I just stay where I am and continue to beg for forgiveness? Or do I go with them regardless. I am glad I am getting a talaq (as sad and heartless as it sounds) because I know "my husband" will find someone who will love care and actually want to be with him. Someone who will be such a good wife to him just as he's a good husband. I want him to be happy but I just can't make him happy.

Is there any hope for me at all? Or is everything doomed? What about my parents. Will they ever forgive me, will they ever accept me and not be disappointed or shamed of me? My mum wants to move, on account of she doesn't want anyone talking behind her and saying words about her divorced daughter.
Again my apologies for the long message I just hope someone can help me :((

Jazak Allah khair,


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5 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I think your post may be confusing to many readers, because in it you refer to your cousin as your husband and your fiance interchangeably. It's not clear if you've actually married or if you're just engaged, because you are talking about talaq all the while saying you haven't had a wedding ceremony or consumated.

    Could you please clarify whether or not you are married, because I'm sure the responses you get will differ depending on this crucial information.

    -Amy Editor

    • I guess she meant she had nikah (official angagement). Thats why they are still virgin cos no wedding

      • Salaams,

        A nikkah is not an "official engagement". A nikkah is the actual wedding vow exchange per shariah law. Once a couple has a nikkah, they are married. The idea that a nikkah is merely a betrothal is a common misconception, and that's why it's important for the details to be clarified.

        -Amy Editor

      • Yes I just didn't express myself correctly, yes I meant the islamic contract. And by wedding, i meant the party. But today's culture, people wait for the ceremony to have any sexual relations even though they are already in halal.
        I live in middle east, gulf. And here I was confused when they say angaged means they had nikkah. In my home country, in Europe, being angaged has nothing to do with mariage, it's just a promise for marriage. But the girl needs to clarify, but I just think she meant nikkah, that's why she said married but still virgin cos they have not yet had the ceremony yet.

  2. Salamu Alikum,

    What I meant was, we are religiously and legally married. However we have not consummated as we have not had the wedding ceremony/party yet.

    An update on this issue: a wedding party date has been set for end of this month, however as of two nights ago, we had another massive argument, one in which has meant the wedding date to be rescheduled/cancelled. He has asked for his gold and his money back (which i gave back promptly), now not too sure what is happening.

    From what I have read online and seen versus from the Holy Quran, a lady does not need to go into Iddah period if she is still a virgin. Does this make the matter of divorce less significant than what it is?

    My mother was saying to me today, that I should tell all my friends as she does not want to be the one to break the news to others. I am just hoping that ALLAH SWT, is okay with what is going on.

    My husband is not very happy with the way I treat him, although I did think I was changing my ways, however this is not something that he or anybody in my family is seeing. And I'm always at the same conclusion, that I think it would be for the better if we separate.

    I'm in a confused state. I don't really know why I even came back on here, I'm the type of person that just needs everything to be okay. That's why I got engaged and then married him, because I can't deal with everyone being unhappy, however because I am unhappy, it's difficult to continue doing what everyone wants of me.

    Before the recent argument, I was praying to Allah for something to happen, for the wedding date to be rescheduled. I was and still am so scared of getting married to him, I'm not attracted to him in anyway.
    I said to Allah I would do anything for my husband to leave me/find someone else. I don't see divorce as a big thing, however I am becoming more worried of Allah's thoughts of me. I'm just really really really hoping that He isn't too ashamed of me.

    Please keep me in your dua'a.

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