One new year after my divorce, I am still a wreck and depressed
Depressed.
As Salamou Haleykoum dear friends.
Exactly one year ago, I went through a divorce and I was very depressed with a 4-month baby in my arms, and no family around.
Here is my former post, as some of you might remember
Numerous trials, I have been praying for death and feel suicidal.
During this last year, I have at least submitted a plea to the Immigration, and it might take 2 years from when I file InchALLAH. It might be approved. I am hoping that ALLAH will make it possible.
On the other hand, my depression is going so strong, especially today. I have done a lot of duas, wazifas, tahajjud and prayers to feel better. first it was to be back with my ex-husband, it didn't happen, and I have prayed for sakinnah and end of my depression. I am crying so hard. i am most of the time inside the apartment with my baby. My ex-husband is feeling better health-wise, he has completely moved on me, and according to common friends he might be back with his first wife whom he divorced after she cheated on him. I married him when he was a wreck, abandoned by that wife who had a boyfriend.
few months into the marriage with me, he started acting like I was a mistake, and he wanted to go back to her. I suffered that ordeal when I was pregnant with my son. My vaginismus issues didn't help. I suffered terribly until we divorced. After the divorce, I am in so much pain. My family is so far way. The shame of divorce eats me up. Now, when I hear he might get back with the lady who cheated on him, even though I am not his wife anymore, I feel betrayal, hurt and endless pain.
In every life, there are tests but i feel like this test is the one I failed. I went through a lot in my life, but this trial has seen me failing miserably. That's why lately I have started again praying for my life to be taken away from me, and to welcome death. Because the longer this is lasting, this depression, the more sins I am committing. I have done something I never did before, seeing psychics to see my future and i know it's haram, but I just wanted my mind to be quiet and the pain to stop. I hardly wake up a day without asking the LORD why i am put in such trials. I tried to follow our deen, being a virgin, getting married, getting pregnant. All exploded back to my face. I feel like the more days I live, the more sins I am committing, and maybe if my life is shortened, my son might be happier with people who are not depressed. i tried it all to make it.
May all of you please have a special prayer for me.
Jazakumullahou,
Leyla83
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ASSALAMALAIKUM-
DEAR LEYLE 83 YOU DONT HAVE TO WORRY YOU ARE GREAT YOU HAVE OVER COME ALL THE UPS AND DOWNS IN THE PAST-
IT IS JUST THAT SATAN WANTS TO DISCOURAGE YOU TO DO SPMETHING WRONG-
YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR NIND THAT YOU ARE NOT ORDINARY WOMEN ND THERE IS LOT OF HAPPINESS IN STORE FOR YOU-
HENCE YOU WILL HAVE TO SMILE AND SAY THE LIFE IS MINE AND HAPPINESS ALSO MINE JUST YOU HAVE TO REACH IT-
HOPE YOU WILL SEE THESE TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE ALLAH IS WITH YOU AND WE ARE ALSO ARE WITH YOU-
Say: O My servants who have transgressed against their own souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Surah az-Zumar 39:53)
This hadith teaches us the importance of realizing Allahs mercy, having faith and hope in Him especially when making dua, calling to Allah alone for forgiveness, and the importance of repentance in the life and faith of a believer.
Allah says, Put your hope in Me. Man was not created sinful, but he was created weak. He is prone to fall into the temptations of sin and the whispers of Satan and when he does, he should always remember to turn to Allah, call upon Him, and ask for forgiveness with hope in His mercy. Allah stated in a Hadithi Qudsi, I am with My servant as He expects of Me. The meaning of this is that Allah treats His servants the way he expects Him to. If one has hope in Allah and trusts Him, Allah will act accordingly to that servants beliefs and faith. And if he does not have faith and is in despair of his Lords mercy, Allah will act accordingly.
PL TAKE PERMISSION FROM THE FORUM EDITORS AND JOIN THIS PAGE MADE FOR PEOPLE TO GIVE STRENGTH TO EACH OTHER-
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MAY BE YOU WILL GET TO KNOW MANY MATCHING LADIES WHO HAVE PROBLEMS GRERATER THAN YOU AND THAT WILL INSPIRE YOU WITH STRENGTH AND ADVICE-
HOPE YOU WILL HOLD ON STRONGLY TO ALLAH JUST IN FEW DAYS YOU MIGHT GET A LIFE YOU DIDNT IMAGINE-
HOPE YOU WILL HOLD ON ITS JUST A SPAN OF HAND AWAY THE UNIMAGINABLE FROM ALLAH INSHALLAH-
REGARDS
ALI YOUSUFF
Sister,
You are sadly mistaken...you did not fail...your husband failed you. Please stop wishing for death, your son needs you. You need to get yourself together and start living again. Just because your husband did not appreciate the woman that you are, does not mean that no one else will. You need to move on and quit hanging onto the past because if you do, there is no way you can move forward. If you have family close to you, keep close to them and involve them in your life. Get out of the house, keep busy, go shopping and be happy. Things will get better if you let them. You need to let go and be free. You can have a happy and fulfilling life if you allow yourself to.
Salam
Please sister be there for your son marsallah he is the only person you need in your life . So you need to be stronge for him no men is worth your tears, this is a test from Allah so please open your eyes for the sake of your son. Marsallah I have a 1 year old son. I can not live without him for a second. I miss him so much he is the must important person to me. Insallah you find a better person soon.
Firstly, I dont know what is "As Salamou Haleykoum " . You should say "Assalamualaikum "
Secondly,
Read this..
I have great problems in my work and in my social life. Is it permissible for me to wish for death?
Praise be to Allaah.
Your state is like that described by the poet:
“If death were for sale I would buy it.
This life is something in which there is nothing good.”
This is wrong. It is not permissible for the believer to wish for death. If he has to say something, then let him recite the du’aa’ that has been reported for such cases.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Let not any one of you wish for death because of some harm that has befallen him. If he must wish for something then let him say, ‘O Allaah, keep me alive so long as life is good for me, and let me die when death is good for me.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari (al-Fath), 11/154)
From al-Eemaan bi’l-Qadaa’ wa’l-Qadar by Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem al-Hamad, p. 159
________________________________
are you prepared for the life after death ? are you prepared for the life in the grave ? are you prepared for the day of judgement ?
Don't you care for your child ? Do you just want to let him into someone's hands ? what if they do not bring him up well?
You are a muslim my sister. Learn about Islam, practice and teach your child about Islam. Make him a good muslim.
Why are you finding it so hard to leave him. Are these the whispers of the shaitan so that you go astray ?
Fear Allah. make dua. be patient.
Have you spoken to your family about your situation ? Speak to them. How are you leaving in a strange country without a mahram with you. I would advice you to go back to your family.
Forget that guy who does not love you and left you in this condition. Start your life a new.
you must learn about Islam. Learn about Aqeedah, tawheed, shirk and so on.
here is a link which can help you learn more about Islam. ->> abdurrahman(dot)org/ [replace (dot) with . and search in your address bar of your browser]
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
I think so from her previous post sounds like sister asked.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/trials-suicide-marriage-baby
Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.
May Allah make it easy for you and us.
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
Sister you have not failed anything..
That guy never loved you, he just wanted emotional support and you gave him. He used you in a way. So, why cry for that man?
And subhan'ALLAH you have son! live this life for ALLAH and him sister.
I sorta understand your situation, but tell me is there anything you can do to fix things up? no right?
so, why cry?
and my Beautiful sister I believe in you, I know you can fight with these feelings.
I know you won't like my words still I will say somethig.....
I read your previous post who h you posted last year http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/trials-suicide-marriage-baby/
to me I don't see that you tried hard to save your marriage you were not patient that much. This kind of happen in married life even worse. I think it's because he refused to apply for your green card that's where your patient has lost and maybe you thought he used you maybe! only Allah knows what happend.
There are some points I want to tell you....
1) it was your parents mistake to send you abroad by yourself. Without family member it's always unsafe for a girl to live alone. Dose your parents know you were married? Who was your wali?
2) you are graduate woman you should find or get a job to support yourself and your son.
3) in your previous post you didn't mention about his 1st wife. So did you find out middle of your marriage or after divorce or you knew from the beginning?
4) no matter what he is responsible for the child expenses. If he still not paying then make him pay tell the government.
5) inform your family what you going through. If you don't tell you will feel more depressed. Dose your family know?
Sister, This is not asking you a question it's for you. You ask yourself and take steps. Pray to Allah for you and your son wellbeing instant of death. Do not worry death will come when it's time for you don't write your own death time by committing suicide.
Sorry I forgot to add that sister it was you asked for divorce so you should not get hurt for him anymore.
asalamu alaikum,
I cant believe no one mentioned about " seeing psychics to see my future and i know it's haram"
you know how dangerous this is? whoever visits a fortune teller just for fun and you don't believe in it, your prayers will not be accepted for 40 days. and if you went there believing them then you have committed shirk and left the folds of Islam, you will have to re-do your shadaha. its a very grave sin.
ma salama
This is true, it is very very very bad. We must all stay away from psychics and fortune tellers at all cost. Only Allah knows our future and only Allah will know about it. We shouldn't go beyond what we already know in the present, it is extremely dangerous for our faith. Plus fortune tellers and psychics are not real anyway. They use our emotions and what we want to manipulate us. Everything they say even if it ends up coming true is a lie. They just take information and put them together in what they think will happen. Please, whenever something bad happens to you trust in Allah. Don't ever trust anyone who says they know about the future and what will happen because that is the biggest lie, don't be tricked by this my brothers and sisters. Many of our sins will still will make us Muslims but this is one of those things that has the potential to get us out of the religion and I don't think anyone wants to get severely punished forever just for going to and believing a "psychic".
-Starclusters
Asalamualikum leyla83 , I understand you situation. I was also married and divorced after a couple of months due to my vaginismum. I just don't know what else to tell you but that your not alone and to just have patience and make dua because Allah will bless you only if you show patience and reliance on him through your trials.
AoA
i got divorced a month back and im in miserable condition,feel depress all the time,not eating anything,feel betyral...m really hurt...dont know why this happened..
My husband had OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder)he was afraid of getting contaminated,he use to take 3hrs in the shower,wipes his body with sanitizer,i was no allowed to tounch anything inside the house,i had so many restrictions,could not open my own cupboards ,,,,i use to get so frustrated tht i use to fight n argue alot but living a life like tht was really difficult...
dont know how to come out of this depression,i was with him for 1 year,came to visit my family for 2 months and was about to go back but he called n said m giving u divorce...i dont know whts right n whats wrong...but i deserved a chance i was suffering alot but still didnt wantd it to happen this way
I'm sorry to hear that your marriage did not work out. It sounds like your ex-husband is not in a position to share his life with another person. Has he ever seen a health professional for his OCD? I believe there are medications that can help to control the symptoms. If you want to discuss this matter further, please log in and write your question as a separate post and give us more details, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Sister,
As brother Wael suggests...log in with your question in a separate post. I would love to respond to you as my sister suffers from OCD and I can understand your frustration however I don't want to hijack this sisters post.
Salam
SubhanALLAH, I am just seeing these answers only today. I came back the next day i posted the question, but there were no replies.
Jazakumullahu all for the answers. May ALLAH reward you all.
Brother ALI YOUSUFF, thank you for your kindness and advice since a year ago. Thank you for advising me to be strong.
Ahmed and Starclusters, talking to psychics was a horrible sin that I repent sincerely for and will never do again InchALLAH.
Brother Abdullah, I apologize for my spelling of. I come from a French-speaking country and that is the way we spell it. Thank you for the advice and prayer.
Thank you ImpureSoul, Muslim girl, Najah and Nadia.
May ALLAH bless you all.
leyla83 ASSALAMALAIKUM
THNAKS FOR REMEMEBRING ALL HERE
HOW ARE YOU NOW ANY GOOD DAYS HAVE COME IN YR LIFE OR NOT-
WE ALL ARE WORRIED SO PLEASE REPLY
Jabir ibn `Abdullah Al-Ansari relates that he heard Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) say three days before his death:
"None of you should ever die except while assuming the best about Allah." (Muslim)
The Prophet (peace be upon him) related to us that God says:
"I am as My servant thinks of Me. I am with him when he remembers Me. If he mentions Me within himself, I mention him within Myself. If he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in a better assembly. If he comes near to Me a handspan, I come near to him the distance of a cubit. If he comes near to Me the distance of a cubit, I come near to him the distance of two outspread arms. If he comes to Me walking, I come to him running." (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)
"When you beseech Allah in supplication, be convinced that He will answer you." (At-Tirmidhi)
GOOD OR BAD DONT HESITATE TO WRITE-
FRENCH SPEAKING COUNTRY I KNOW SOMEONE IN MORROCO WHO ALSO SPELLS INCHALLAH LIKE YOU-
BUT DONT HESITATE TO WRITE WHEN EVER YOU FEEL LIKE-
WE ARE ALL ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU WITH BEST REGARDS AND INVOKING ALLAH TO SHOWER SPECIAL MERCY ON YOU AND YR CHILD -
REGARDS
ALI YOUSUFF
As Salamu Aleykum dear brother Ali Yusuf,
I haven't read you on this site for so many years. Today, I was feeling a little down, and I thought about coming to re-read the post that I wrote more than 3 years ago, and what a long I have come ever since Alhamdoullillah. Before anything, may ALLAH reward you for the help you provided me. I followed your advice, filed for child support, saw an immigration lawyer, and three years later, I have a decent job, my green card and my child is 4 benefiting from child support from the dad. Alhamdoullillah what a long way after so many trials... The heartbreak and depression are still around, I am dealing with on my best with highs and lows. I am still single, even though I so pray to get remarried. I am still very much emotionally attached to my ex, and as recently as past Ramadan, I have been praying for ALLAH to make us remarry, but it sure doesn't look like that will happen. ALLAH knows what we do not know. My son has a little speech delay, probably because our social life was not very appealing during his formative years (he was always with me and wouldn't talk much), I am praying he gets better and try to help him in different ways. I still have dreams of being with his dad, and waking up super sad, I feel sad that he doesn't have a loving dad in his life, but I have definitely come out of the tunnel I once was in. May ALLAH SWT bless everyone on this site, may HE SWT answer our prayers and increase our faith. Amine Ya Rabb. Please pray for me bi IzniALLAH to remarry soon. Amine.
Wa Aleykum Salam dear brother Ali Yusuf,
May ALLAH reward you for your time, concern and kind words.
I am still struggling brother. I am trying to increase my ibadaat and Macha ALLAH remembering the LORD and watching khutba videos help tremendously.
I have finally decided to file for civil divorce, which we haven't done. My ex hasn't done any moves towards it even if financially he is sending money for our child every month.
But can I still pray ALLAH to be reunited with my ex?
"When you beseech Allah in supplication, be convinced that He will answer you." (At-Tirmidhi)
Since he hasn't remarried, I haven't remarried, can I still pray for that? I have done istiqaras but still haven't been able to move on even if I have tried a lot.
Our love for the deen got us together at the first place, a lot of stress was happening during the marriage on both sides. He had his health issues doing Roqyas and being upset and sad many times. At the same time, I was pregnant, far from family and resenting his talking to his ex-wife in an inappropriate way.
I still feel like a second chance might help with much more wisdom gained on both sides.
Can I keep praying YA ALLAH SWT for a miracle?
We live in different states, which doesn't make a reconciliation easy.
ALLAH hafeez.
Thank you so much dear brother.
May ALLAH bless you
Assalaamualaikam sister
If you wish to reconcile with your husband, make contact with him (in an Islamically appropriate way, of course) and tell him! InshaAllah he may feel the same way, and the two of you can then try to resolve your difficulties. If he does not, then you will know where you stand and can start to move on to build a new life with your family.
I would encourage you to involve your family in this, as you will need their support. You might also benefit from speaking to a doctor about your mood, as it sounds like you've been very low for quite a long time.
Pray istikhara, continue to increase your study of Islam, and take action to reconcile if you feel that is what you want to do.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
ASSALAMALAIKUM-
All-you-need-to-do-is-ask But be ready for his decision and YOU WILL SEE THAT THERE IN NO CONSTRAINT IN ONE PERSON FOR HAPPINESS BUT ALLAH KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR US & WAIT FOR HIS CHOICE IN ALL MATTERS OF OUR LIVES-
(O people! Take it easy on yourselves, for He Whom you are calling is not deaf or absent. Verily, He Whom you are calling is the All-Hearer, close (by His knowledge), closer to one of you than THEIR JUGLIAR VEIN-
{Is He [not best] who responds to the desperate one when he calls upon Him…} (An-Naml 27: 62)
For whatever problem we have, whatever difficulty we find ourselves in, we have the most powerful weapon to ward off the pain that plagues us. It is the weapon of du`a’ (supplication).
“O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another.
Have certainty that Allah (SWT) will answer your du`a’. The Prophet said, ”Ask Allah with certainty that He will answer your prayers.” (At-Tirmidhi)
Show submissiveness and devotion during your du`a’. The Prophet said, ‘Know that Allah will not accept the supplication from an absent heart.’ (At-Tirmidhi)
Be patient and do not hasten for an answer. The Prophet said: ‘The du`a’ of any worshipper will continue to be responded to, as long as… he is not hasty’ i.e. as long as he doesn’t lose patience. (Muslim)
God does not place a burden on us greater than we can bear. If the answer to your du`a’ has been delayed, it’s because God knows you can handle it. He tests those whom He loves, so keep asking and remember that God makes with hardship ease. And remember, as with tawakkul (reliance), we need to exert effort as well.
“And your Lord said: “Invoke Me [i.e. believe in My Oneness (Islamic Monotheism) and ask Me for anything] I will respond to your (invocation)” (Ghaafir 40:60)
“And when My slaves ask you (O Muhammad) concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor)” (al-Baqarah 2:186)
"And your Lord says: Call on Me, I will answer your (prayer)
IF YOU DONT MIND YOU CAN ANSWER BY CHANCE YOU NOT FOLLOWING THIS MISTAKE???
Calling on others instead of Allah If one makes a pious dead person an intercessor of his supplications to Allah, then he isindulging himself in innovations which may lead to shirk (Polytheism).Today we find a large number of people calling the dead and thinking that they have theability to convey their message to Allah. They say like:"O' Jesus, O' Ali, O' Muhammad, O' Ghaus, O' Abdul Qadir, O' Daata, please helpus convey our message to Allah as He cannot say no to you and we don’t feelconfident that He (Allah) will listen to us."They make these persons as intercessors or associates with Allah, and do not fear about thebiggest of all sins, called-SHIRK
THE ABOVE PRACTICE WILL DETER OUR DUWAS FROM BEING ANSWERED JUST WANTED TO CLARIFY-
YOUR YEARNING FOR A PEACEFUL MARRIED LIFE IS NOT ANY THING GREAT FOR ALLAH TO ORGANIZE HE WANTS YOU TO ASK HIM CONTINIOUSLY SO THAT YOU ARE CLOSER TO HIM-ADVICEON THE POWER OF ASTAGHFAR-
A man complained to Al-Hasan about a drought, and he said to him: “Pray to Allah for forgiveness.”
Another man complained to him of poverty and he said to him: “Pray to Allah to forgive you.”
Another man said to him: “Pray to Allah to bless me with a child.” He said: “Pray to Allah for forgiveness.”
Another complained to him that his garden was dry. He said to him: “Pray to Allah for forgiveness.”
WITH IN A BLINK OF AN EYE HE WILL INSHALLAH CHANGE YOU LIFE INALLAHA MA SABAREEN-ALLAH IS WOTH THOSE WHO ARE PATIENT-
KEEP YOUR EFFORTS THROUGH YOUR DUAS THIS IS THE BEST TOOL EVEN THE PROPHETS USED TO OVER COME MANY MANY HARDSHIPS NOT ANY ORDINARY ONES BUT VERY SERIOUS AND DANGEROUS LIKE MOSES IN RELEASING THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL FROM FIRAUN&NABI SALAHUALAHAI WASALAMS LIFE AND THE WHOLE PERIOD OF MAKKA -ETC ETC-
HOPE TO HEAR SOME GOOD NEWS WHICH ALLAH HAS IN STORE FOR YOU-
REGARDS
ALI
Thank you so much midnight moon! I will see if there is a good occasion for that. I would need to be mentally ready to do that.
Brother Ali Yusuff,
Oh thank you so much brother. I just pasted your post on a Word document that I will read it over and over just to feel my faith and trust in the LORD rise. I was just thinking today that I needed to do a lots of Astaghfiroullahi because of how highly it is liked by ALLAH SWT.
ALLAH SWT hasn't forgotten me at all, I get so weak taken by emotions and depression and loneliness. But ALLAH SWT is really protecting me and my son, providing us with rizq, and giving me a lot of free time to learn more about our deen.
I pray and hope too dear brother that I will come back soon InchaALLAH with good news for the future.
Please keep me in your prayers.
May ALLAH reward you for taking the time to advise a sister in distress. Your answers from my first post in March 2012 were equally helpful.
Thank you so much.
ASSALAMALAIKUM-
THIS BROUGHT TEARS IN MY EYES I WAS NOT ABLE TO SEE WHAT I WAS TYPING-is really protecting me and my son, providing us with rizq, and giving me a lot of free time to learn more about our deen.
I WAS 4 YEARS WITH 2 YOUNGER BROTHER ONE ELDER ABU DIED AT THE AGE OF 36 AND MY UMMI WAS 26 NOT ONE RUPEE IN HAND LIFE STARTED YOUR ABOVE LINES BROUGHT BACK THE NOSTALGIA OF OUR LIFE-
NOW COMING TO THE PROVIDER AR-RAZZAKH-I LIKE TO SHARE HERE SO THAT OTHERS ALSO KNOW THAT GREATENESS IN THE GREAT RAZZAKH WHOM WE DONT PONDER-UPON IN THIS BUSY LIFE-
As Allah informs us in “Who is there who could provide for you if He withholds His provision? Yet still they obstinately persist in insolence and evasion” ( Surat al-Mulk, 21)
AR-RAZZAQThe All-Provider
Truly, Allah is the Provider, the Possessor of Strength, the Sure. ( Surat adh-Dhariyat, 58)
ALLAH as Supplier in Islam-
Human beings often look towards other people for their support and supplies. The farmer is looked towards for his produce. The rancher is looked towards for his cattle; and the water company is looked towards for a refreshing drink.
READ THIS NEXT
However in the Quran, according to Islam, ALLAH states,
“It is He who produceth gardens, with trellises and without, and dates, and tilth with produce of all kinds, and olives and pomegranates, similar (in kind) and different (in variety): eat of their fruit in their season, but render the dues that are proper on the day that the harvest is gathered…” (Quran 6:141)
As such, although bounties appear to come from others who should be duly compensated for their work, for the Muslim all praises go to God; for He it is who gave the ability and skills to the farmer, rancher and others to perform their tasks.
God as the Grantor of Gifts in Islam
All gifts given to individuals in their given fields of expertise are believed by the Muslims to flow from God. This is so men and women can fulfill their task of being caretakers of the earth.
As such, God is one who,
“… listens to the (soul) distressed when it calls on Him, and Who relieves its suffering, and makes you (mankind) inheritors of the earth …” (Quran 27:62)
It is for this reason, among many others, that Muslims turn towards Mecca five times a day and worship their Lord in prayer.
The Muslim prays that God forgives their carelessness, and sins. The Muslim knows that their Lord will forgive their indiscretions, and give them the gifts they need to fulfill their role as custodians of the earth.
Sources:Abdullah Yusef Ali, The Holy Quran; With Arabic Text.
So that Allah can reward them for the best of what they did and give them more from His unbounded favor. Allah provides for anyone He wills without reckoning. ( Surat an-Nur, 38)
Allah, Who is very compassionate and merciful toward His servants, places people on fertile lands that yield countless blessings. Indeed, even without tilling them, lands yield green crops and clusters of flowers. Yellow, red, green, and orange fruits and vegetables come out of the soil, and the blue oceans abound with tasty fish. These aside, Allah places the meat of most animals and birds at our service, and gives them pure milk and honey. All of these are all blessings from Allah.
HOPE THESE VERSES ARE REALLY A BOOSTER FOR THOSE WHO WORRY ABOUT SUSTENANCE-
AND DONT WORRY ALLAH WILL TEST AND THEN GIVE AND TO SOME PEOPLE GIVE AND TEST.
REGARDS
Macha ALLAH brother Ali Yousuff, I feel that tonight after reading your last post, I will go to sleep pain free. May ALLAH reward you endlessly for the right words that seem to lift the burden of depression and hurt and place it on YA RAZZAQ, YA RAHMANE, YA WADUD's hands.
I pray for the ability to mediate more on these words.
Your mother must have been very courageous Macha ALLAH to fight with four kids under those conditions! My life looks at a piece of cake compared to that.
May ALLAH SWT guide us on knowledge, love and worship for YA ZHUL JALALI WAL IKRAMI.
Keep me in your prayers brother Ali Yousuff (forgive me for the wrong spelling earlier).
Jazakumullahou
assalamalaikum
Hope u r fine-
I FORGOT TO TYPE OUR HOUSE CONDITION-
IT WILL BRING THANKFULNESS IN ALL WHO READ THIS-
OUR HOUSE IN THE REAR OF ANGLOINDIANS BUNGLOW ABOUT 100 YEARS OLD AND THAT
SHED IN WHICH THE CHRISTIANS GAVE US FOR RENT WAS HAVING FLOOR OF SAND JUST LOOSE SAND -
AND THE TERRACE WAS MADE OF TILES WITH OLD WOODEN REAPERS-
OK WE COULD MANAGE WITH THAT AS ALLAH WILLED BUT THE MAIN PROBLEM WAS DUE TO A CENTURY OLD CONTSRUCTION IT HAS POISONOUS SCORPIONS-
AND CENTIPEDES[ produce venom with which to subdue their prey, and venom is poisonous]
THEY WERE SO MANY THAT WE COULD SEE THEN ON THE FLOOR WHERE WE USED OT SLEEP ON MATTS-
WE HAD TO TIE BEDSHEET UNDER THE CEILING AND BRING IT DOWN IN THE MORNING JUST TO THROW THEM AWAY OUTSIDE AGAIN TIE IN THE NIGHT AND THROW IN THE MORNING-
IN THIS CONDITION WE SPENT 2 YEARS BY GRACE OF ALLAH WE DIDNT GET BITTEN BY ANY -
AND MY MOTHER USED TO HAVE CHILL -COLD WATER BATH NEAR THE CLOTHES WASHING CEMENT TANK AT 4 AM SO THAT NO ONE CAN SEE IN THE DARKNESS-
FINALLY ONE UNCLE CAME FROM BOMBAY CAME TO KNOW OUR CONDITION AND TOOK US TO A LITTLE BETTER HOUSE WHERE THIS PROBLEM WAS NOT THERE-
SO WE MUST THANK ALLAH FOR WHAT WE HAVE WHICH IS ATLEAST CALLED A SHELTER AND 2 TIMES RESPECTABLE FOOD-
REGARDS
ALI
SubhanALLAH, Brother Ali Yousuff,
Your story is truly inspiring for any of us going through a hard time or any Muslim period to be so grateful to ALLAH SWT,
I will work InchALLAH to develop more gratefulness.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and generous advice.
May THE LORD reward you.
Assalamu alaikum,
Dear editor brothers/sisters,
Its been a month i am waiting for my post to be published and for me the depression is getting higher day after day.. can u please look into that post and publish it so that i may get some better islamic advice.
Apologies for posting my request in others post but i dont know what to do.
Salam frieends and ALI YOUSUFF,
Just a quick update.
I did many istikharas and prayers to get back together, so many wazifas, fasting, qiyyama layl.
My LORD has decided otherwise. My ex moved on, doesn't want to get back together and is filing for civil divorce this week.
I can just say I am very disheartened and very sad. Maybe some people are doomed for unhappiness and heartbreak, and I think I am one of those. I thought dua could change qadr. My pain that is so great doesn't seem to have any meaning...
For the last 3 years (during my pregnancy) up to now, pain and heartbreak have been present the whole times. People can say others have it much worse, terminal illnesses and all, I agree but my pain and my emotional trauma are my ordeal. This is so sad.
I have done duas for depression, istikhara to move on emotionally and mentally. I don't have much money, but I made sacrifices to pay for a counselor. I take pills, but nothing.
I raise a little boy alone. We are together alone since he is 4 months. I wish I could understand all this that has happened to me, You marry someone you love, only problems, vaginismus (which is a trial that just came on me), my husband rejecting me like he never knew me. I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I am so skinny, a lot of weight loss and sleepless nights for the last 3 years. I have been tried. And I am not sure I can't take it anymore. My husband is running after his first ex-wife who cheated on him and treated him so bad. I came after their divorce in his life younger, inexperienced and got with him because I thought he would be kind to me as he is religious.
I am so ashamed in front of my community who sees ma as a woman whose husband didn't love. People look at me with pity, struggling with my sons, while I had so many proposals for marriage, and apparently went for the wrong one...
YA ALLAH, I don't have any strength anymore 🙁
I know this is not what you want to hear but this is the only thing I can give you at this point. The rest is up to Allah to heal you by time.
1. Pray to Allah. Regularly, 5 times a day. Read Tahajjud every morning before Fajr and cry your soul out to Allah to heal you and replace the pain in your life with something much better.
2. Pay attention to your diet. Eat LOTS of fruits and vegetables. Change your entire lifestyle and take care of your body inside and out. Take showers regularly and pamper yourself with nice smelling shampoo and soaps. Drink lots of water.
3. Exercise. Go for a walk outside. Go look at the creations of Allah. Go to the park and take a deep breath and try to clear your mind.
4. Be grateful of all the things in your life that you do appreciate but don't realize such as your sons, your faith in Allah, the food on your table, etc. Keep a journal and write down everything you are grateful of and look through it when you are feeling bad.
5. Spend time with your sons. Have fun with them. Read to them, take them to the library, take them to the park, teach them Arabic, walk them to school, watch Islamic videos with them, let them pray with you, recite Quran with them, etc. Just love them with your entire heart and give them the attention they deserve.
6.Volunteer to help others, donate to charity, keep a smile on your face, do what you can to help those around you who need your help.
7. Boost your self esteem by listening to positive media and audio. Watch and listen to as many Islamic audio and videos you can. This will increase your Iman inshAllah and just give you a feeling of wellbeing.
The last tip would be to just keep living. The man I loved got married to a divorced woman and now she loves him too. When I think about it I am pretty sure that she went through bad heart break when her marriage ended but she found someone who loves her and will take care of her. InshAllah you will find someone too because maybe at one point she also thought she couldn't love anyone else. But she did.
We are only heart broken because we don't know what the future will hold but Allah does. When we go to Jannah, inshAllah lets all strive towards it, we will see who our true soulmate is then and when we do we will all say "I am SO glad that I am still not with the other guy!" something basically all women say when they get over their exs completely.
Salam leyla,
I couldn't read your previous post coz the link didn't open for me. I just Googled vaginosmous though coz I thought that must have broken your marriage but whatever the reason was, we only see spilt milk around. Your marriage with this man is over and we need to figure how we are going to work your way out of this mess.
Sister leyla, first of all plz take no offense to anything I'm about to say. plz understand that all I want for you is some peace. I am not qualified in anyway to pretend like I have any solutions but since you have read every1 here do have some patience to read me too. I might not come up with a brilliant advice either but since my heart goes out to you I would like to share something with you. that personal side of me which I hate to discuss anywhere but its worth revealing all if it helps you even a wee bit.
I have been married for 13 years and I married my husband when I was 18. I was a high school dropout and he was highly educated with a decent home of his own and a promising career. I married him to flee away from my abusive parents and he married me coz he thought I was HOT. It flattered me back then although I aways knew that men and women marry for different reasons and hence stay in their marriage for different reasons. However since I was an absolute romantic with a high sex drive, his base reason to marry me didn't bother me much. very soon I realised that he suffered from Ed and PE both. His Ed wasn't really so bad but his PE was frustrating to me. with my hormones at their peak I didn't know what to do with them and resorted to masturbation which I accidentally discovered one day. it did help me for a while but was hardly a substitute. Since ours was an arranged marriage there was little love and since we had a huge age difference there was even little compatibility. I couldn't go back to my parent's hell nor suffer the suffering that only I knew of. I couldn neither share it nor change it nor walk away from it. Soon I got pregnant and my priorities changed.
the more I pondered over what I deserved the more unbearable my situation got and all this frustration was gripping me though amazing sex was never on the top of my wish list ever. (it was love that I missed the most). that is not y I married him for so then I wondered if halal sex was his only motivation to get in a commitment with me, how things would have turned out if I were the one incapable of satisfying him? it would have been nothing but divorce for us. Today we have 2 healthy kids and a peaceful home where there is no violence and I thank Allah for it all. I'm getting all that I married him for and he is getting all that he married me for. thinking about losing bonus though it may be a basic need for most people, it is irrelevant for me now.
Before I turned to Allah I often looked back at my journey and wept over what I never had but that was making me increasingly pessimistic. Shaitan kept coming to me in different forms to lure me out of my marriage. I always knew about akhirah and Allah but it only sank in much recently. I got involved in an accident that could have killed me instantly in a very brutal manner and I saw the unpredictable nature of ilife and how deceptive it is. Death, the only truth which will come to us any day, any moment even now as
I write to you, I may not be able to submit my comment and you might never know what had to say, is the ultimate truth . the ultimate end of all pleasures of this world. You will see how temporary all pleasures are and how overrated love is. Except one kind that is from our divine and the one for Him.
Today my life maybe very boring and fruitless but I see boredom as a blessing. at least its not filled with
ugly action. I know how annoyed you must feel when someone told you how bad their lives are or how much people are suffering in Africa as though their tears have washed everything else away and Its like your sufferings are not even worth sympathy or any attention. I know what you think coz I have been there.
You have 2 problems from where I see.
One is your trauma from the past and the other is your uncertain future.
Lets talk about your past first since it hurts you the most.
your untreated vaginosmous was more likely the reason behind your divorce. If that was the case forgive him.
I know you are probably screaming at me like'' WHAT!!! What about the love and the sacrifices?'' Trust me sis I really know when I say that those things matter very little for most men when it comes to picking between physical love and emotional commitment. For most of them emotional commitment comes only after a promised physical fulfilment. to live with men in harmony we need to understand and accept their true nature. You will never get hurt if you never expect the impossible.
Your ex husband was extremely selfish though, not because he disowned you for unfulfilled sexual needs but coz to get rid of you completely he even abandoned his baby. yet I will insist you to forgive him coz its only the sense of closure that will bring you peace. so forgive him for yourself.
I don't know why he is still running after his cheating ex wife but should that be our problem anymore ? He has been selfish enough to deserve a selfish spouse for himself so let him be with what he deserves but what I can tell you is what you don't deserve.
you don't deserve to be lonely and miserable.
first of all cut off your ties with 'common friends'. after a breakup if there is anyone to enjoy the mud fight the most then it is none other than the so called common friends. if they are getting the kick out of giving you the unecessary updates then you are better off without them. this man is not your husband anymore. He is your non mehram and trying to talk to him either directly or indirectly, whether just to know what he is upto or about to do is all major sin. your ibadah will not be accepted unless you stop that first.
one of my best friends had a breakup last yr and all she does is try to find out what her ex is doing. if he
has found new love interest or he is still single. I'm telling you its driving her crazy. she is just stalking him on Facebook all the time.she looks like someone with no self esteem. what are her chances to move on? she is not even a Muslim to digest the non mehram concept. I feel so helpless. I just sit and stare as she goes frantically from one page to another and one pic to another. there comes a point where she looks like she has finally got a grip on it all and then suddenly she calls me in the middle of the night and cries till morning. I feel like we are at a dead end sometimes. So just get rid of his thoughts coz he is not coming back and he is not what you need. unless you accept that yourself no one can help you.
MOVE ON.
So you have a son with this man who has no one except his mother. So y wont you live for him?
I don't know which country you are in but I'm sure there should be ways to get help for raising him. I don't understand why your family can't support you. Get yourself a job and focus on your health. continue to pray but not for him. he is beyond your reach anyway. even if he wanted to marry you again it wouldnt be possible.
your future will seem clearer to you once you stop weeping over your past. allow yourself to heal quickly. don't tease your wounds.
have your sexual problem treated and move on in life. Never ever expect a man to live with you just for
your love ever again . let this experience make you smart. do not deprive your child of your love or allow
depression and anxiety to ruine your baby's life. You are a mother and a strong Muslim woman with full
faith in Allah. try to forgive the spineless man and next time when love comes knocking your door make its worth it. you have so much ahead of you. you are not alone, we all are suffering in some way or another. just that we have accepted our fate in this duniya and hope for the best later.
p.s A man who has a loving father in him is far more attractive to a wise women, than a cool hunk.
Salam dear Apple Green,
Sis, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for telling me your personal story to help me out.
Thank you for the clear and sound advice. Honestly, I can feel your concern and a lot of your advice is totally on point. You read my mind, I cut off a lot of common friends, and it helps. I want to comment more on your post.
Here is a link of my original post from last year.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/trials-suicide-marriage-baby/
Please let me know if you can access it and read it. I will comment on some of the things you said in your post. But I can promise you my marriage didn't break because of vaginismus. Sure, penetration was quasi-impossible (I apologize for giving too many details), but he always enjoyed our intimacy times, would tell me how much he never enjoyed his first wife like I was with him, that I "made him enjoy women again", that our chemistry was the most amazing time with a partner, and really I got pregnant before the first one year of marriage, and . Besides he had low libido very often himself because of his health issues. Somehow his ex-wife found a way back in his heart, and he started behaving like "he was unfaithful to his first marriage" ( ex wife and daughters) by being with me. In our fights, instead of focusing on reconciliation and finding common grounds, he started finding reasons for neglecting me and being with her on the phone all the time.
I get sad by even talking about this period, when I was pregnant and alone in his house...
Please sis, read the post, and let me know.
Ok I finally read your first post but rather than helping me understand your situation better it has confused me more.
I see many missing pieces so I will speak to you on the basis of what I understood.
Leyla I can point out at least 10 horrible mistakes that you have done. plz allow me to point them to you. it is very important for you to understand them so you could move on.
1. chasing your American dream ALONE- in Islam even if you are old and wealthy and sane and.strong and have a large group of other old women with you, you cannot travel for pilgrimage which is btw an obligation for every Muslim, without a mehram and I'm amazed at how your family let you step out of their home for over 6 yrs for further studies, all alone to America. no matter how pious you are this step was firstly not Islamic. its not the lifestyle of any muslima. this was not just your first but your biggest mistake ever.
2. Involvement with a married non mehram- I don't know if you knew that this man was married already since you haven't mentioned that you were aware of his marital status coz that should be counted separately if you knew it. How could you even assume that he is religious if he is getting all friendly and romantic with you? Anything that starts on a bad note cannot end well. do lots of astagfaar my dear sis. you let a non mehram into your life and placed him above all.
the first rule that any woman whether a believer or not, must follow is not to trust a stranger so much.
3. Marry without a wali- were your parents present at your wedding? you haven't mentioned that either. If they were present and aware of this important development at that time, then where are they now when you need them the most.
see, please don't get offended by these questions since I'm unclear about these important facts.
4.ignored all the red flags and got pregnant- From your previous post I have gathered that his behaviour towards you steadily worsened after your vaginosmous, but if you still insist that it wasn't the reason then sure it wasn't but I wish you saw troubling brewing in your marriage. your husband showed no tolerance towards your problems and started blaming you for everything. that was good enough to scare any girl who has no support anyway. I love optimism but not like this one.
5. Asking for divorce though you didn't want it- He had already divorced you once during your pregnancy (which is btw not allowed...proving again how religious he is) thankfully for you it was just once so it could be ignored but I don't understand if he was angry and had done it once already, why did you give him the idea to do it again? You should have never asked for it if you never wanted it in the first place.
6. Not involving your family in this mess- I understand your concern for them perfectly but I must say your judgement is poor when it comes to handling this all alone. firstly you are all by yourself with a trauma of a broken marriage, then to make it worst your single motherhood together puts you and your child in an extremely vulnerable situation. call them over and let them take a lead.
7. Not returning home- if there is no room left for reconciliation with the father of your child and you cannot call your family over then why don't you leave for home? should you continue to stay with your friends? if this is Not enough then let me warn you that much worse is waiting to happen to both you and your baby if you do not make right decisions now. what is lost is lost why should you lose anything more than what you have already lost to wrong choices in the past.
8. Ignoring your child- this charge will leave any mother fuming with anger. I'm sorry but I'm not talking about feeding him or bathing him. when a mother has been depressed for so long then the child's development automatically gets affected. it just rubs on to the poor little soul. its too much for him to bear . he deserves a stable home and a happy and responsible parent. your love for him won't mean anything if it cannot protect him.
I'm confused that a country which is so swift at deporting people and taking away children from their parents to foster homes hasn't noticed you yet. what exactly are you doing if you don't have a job? raising a child is not child's play. how do you pay for his diapers or his formula? I'm not even talking about your visits to the pediatrician for medical tests or vaccinations. is your friend supporting you with all of this? is there some sort of arrangement between the two of you? I mean I have kids so I'm just asking, how do you manage?
9. slowly falling in the traps of Shayateen- I can already see you falling in traps. when You pray so much then why don't you trust Allah? should you ask random people to tell you your fate and pay them for fooling you, especially now when you are walking on such a tight rope? sister this is a sign that you are not thinking straight. your condition will attract opportunists your way, who will trap you very easily. what do you want? a green card, some money for now, a job, a home. that can be arranged temporarily so you could be exploited. looking at the condition you are in, even a false promise for these things will make you fall for it. so BEWARE.
10. Not accepting reality-
your ex husband didn't love you accept it.
your relationship with him is over and beyond repair.He has made his choice. Accept it
you are the only parent of a child who needs you. Accept it.
You have made several mistakes and now you can't afford any more. Accept it.
Your parents will be hurt but you will have to face them some day. Accept it.
your American dream is over but your life isn't. Accept it.
Allah is aware of your pain and your existence. Just Accept it.
Move on my dear sister Leyla. All we can do is urge you to look at what should be noticed by you. all we can do is to persuade you. we cannot control your life and steer you out if your problems. what does an advise mean anyway if its not worth making any difference? I don't even want to tell you to look further for other options in America anymore. just pack your stuff, pick you darling baby, take your nikah papers and go home.
to the safest place on earth for both of you. Home.
Dear Apple, I am glad you told me on which points you are confused. I will try my best to explain.
1- being alone in this country: I agree this was my family and mine's first mistake. I am come from a muslim country where Islam came much later. Unfortunately, it is very westernized and families do things a certain way. I was born, didn't know any better and followed the culture. Being mature now, I understand the problems of such practice as not living with a mehram.
2- the man was DIVORCED when I got with him. He was divorced for a few months. His ex went back to our country back home with the kids. I wasn't living in the same state as him. We got to know each other by phone. He taught me a lot of ayats and hadiths.
3- Of course, my entire family knew about my wedding. His family did the proposal to mine. We both come from well-respected families, a wedding was back home and here too. Both families were overjoyed!
4-My ex husband used to call my mom, and told her how he wanted us to have a son. My mom told me this is a good guy who wants a family with you and prayed for us to have a son. I just attributed my vaginismus to fear, and he thought the same. That didn't prevent me from being a happy bride with lots of dreams of building a family. The problems started after my pregnancy. He went back home for his health, and this where I guess many fortunetellers/mullahs told him the marriage wouldn't work. He also visited his ex and kids when he was there. Maybe it did shake him? It is when he started withdrawing. So, what did I do wrong on that level?
5- Asking for divorce: imagine all pregnancy hormones in my situation where he was withdrawn and neglecting for months. He woke up one day and told me that the marriage was cursed, and if the marriage kept on, "blood would be spilled" in a house where it was me, my newborn and him. Married with someone who clearly showed you he was done. Isn't it understandable that I told him since he didn't want the marriage that much to let me go? Dear Apple, you can ask something out of hurt, hoping that the person would see what is at stake and correct his behavior if he wants. He clearly didn't want it enough. Is it a reason for me not to be so hurt, that my family lasted for such a time and broke so fast? My dreams all shattered and I was emotionally so invested, my parents so happy for me and all. Can you see the depth of my disappointment and pain?
6 and 7- Of course, my close family knows about the divorce. They had asked me to come back, but again in our culture when parents invested so much money for your studies, and hardly any jobs in my country, my dream was to finish my studies, get married here and help my old parents. I don't see why this man/marriage must cheat me out of my responsibilities. I still can marry again, and raise my son with a good man, and provide for all my old parents. My ex always made it clear that we might get back together, and he was actively taking care of his health. We were talking over the phone and all, he didn't even want to send my clothes that were left at his house because he was hinting we could get back together. I thought he needed time, and waited, it is not until lately I understood that it won't happen. This is why my pain and depression are twice painful, and why I haven't sought on getting remarried on the sited like the one Brother Ali Yousuff provided me months ago.
8- SubhanALLAH, sis slow down. I never ignored my child. People who have been around him are always amazed how I raised him into such a happy and blossomed baby. There is no absolutely no neglect in my caring for him emotionally. All the opposite, he is full of love and the happiest baby you can imagine. He cracks up everybody, my friends, my neighbors. He is so loved, I play with him, introduce him to different things to make him smart as a child. He is very close to me. He has a great routine, I cook home meals like for a traditional family, we listen to Quran. ALLAH is my witness how I see him enjoy the recitation.My mother looks at us on Skype, and all the time she tells me she wouldn't have been as strong as me, cause she knows my pain is inside, yet I keep going. Child services will never have a problem with me. He is my prince, my delight. On the flip-side, an agony of pain lives in me, but I hide it. Night times when he is sleeping, I sit by myself and that is mostly when it takes over.
9- Talking to opportunists. This happened when my pain was overcoming my faith. My ex at some point brainwashed me to think really maybe an evil spirit was responsible of my vaginismus. That phase is over. Alhamdoullillahi
10- Today, I accept every single point. Again, that doesn't prevent my heart is made of blood and flesh. A lot of pain and turmoil have accumulated. Healing is necessary for me, It is like tearing a limb. I accept the reality it os torn, it doesn't prevent me from feeling all kinds of pain because of it. My son is an American citizen, his dad too, As such anytime he can decide to keep him in this country and not let him live with me in a different continent. I even need his agreement to let him leave this country. As such, I can hope my residency application goes well. So that even if it was the case (his dad wants to keep him here), I can still be in status and come visit him. I have lost so much in this, my son is not the next on the list of my losses Incha ALLAH.
Dear Apple, at one point n this trauma, I understood how my upbringing and culture made me far from Islam, true Islam that is nit the westernized kind I have been living. This is why I came on this forum,and I respect and think about every piece of advice that is given. This divorce and situation might be my biggest trial till the rest of my life. I am trying to come out of it victorious in ALLAH's eyes even though I know I have been failing a lot with my patience betraying me or thinking that ALLAH SWT has forgotten me Astakhfiroullahi. Even today, I am one thousand times better emotionally when I first posted last year, but I am still far behind on my recovery road. I am doing my best but I am still hurt. I hope you understand.
Thank you for helping and taking time to break it down. Please don't hesitate to ask me any questions you might have, This is helping me, it can help someone else as many posts here have been helping me. Unwanted divorces are a reality that women struggled so much with emotionally, socially and financially. I know because I have read tons of them.
Jazakallou alaa hayr.
Dear Apple Green,
Sorry here is a third post to tell you my wedding was "halal" in all aspects. My ex used to talk to my parents back home on the phone often and lovingly. He used to tll his own parents that he felt like this was his first marriage, as he was never this happy the first time around. He had a lot of health issues, maybe even mental. Later on, I found out one of his siblings was really mentally ill. Maybe something genetic? He believes too much in this supernatural stuff. He was convinced his first wife and her family were doing witchcraft to him. Some mullahs who were prying on his money were telling me his illness was due to witchcraft and all. :ater on, he changed his mind thinking that his ex-wife was the best woman...In spite all of this that has happened, I feel he doesn't have a bad heart, maybe selfish, only ALLAH SWT knows. This is why I have difficulty letting go. This is a sad situation. This is why I prayed for another chance to get together...But I am moving on. I just pray the sadness and hurt to disappear. Ameen.
Thank you all
yes indeed your wedding is halal in every aspect, I understand that perfectly now.
if he is mentally ill then it could be his illness. He accused his wife of witchcraft, Allah knows how much truth that holds but its best you stay away from that triangle. jealousy can really mess up with emaan.
May Allah forgive him if what he did was done due to his mental illness and gives youth strength to move on.
Assalamalaikum Leyla
okay! so now its all clear to me. I have now come across many facts which you had not mentioned in either of your posts and hence I said I see missing pieces., but Alhamdolillah sister then you have not made many mistakes. I can sense your anger but please dont assume that since I'm here on your post I will dare to take liberties in judging you. It was the lack of adequate information which made me ask you those questions.
Mashallah your baby is your pride. when I said your depression is affecting him I thought u r still in.the same miserable condition as you were when you wrote your first post. your comment on another post looked like you are in desperate need for help which caught my eye.
He has truly wronged you. I don't mean to take or give you the thrill of imagining him in hell but by abandoning you and your child he is heading for it. it is so sad that people who preach seldom practice. if his piety was what attracted you to him then he is Allah's enemy coz he used His name to cheat you.
Sister why should we even discuss him? just accepting makes no sense if we don't understand what it means to accept. are you aware that now if he wants to re marry you then the only way to do it is through halala ? this concept was discussed several times although I still know little of it. in this process the divorced lady should marry another man and he should divorce her for genuine reasons or die naturally, then only the ex husband can marry her. which makes the two of you beyond each other's reach. close
the doors behind you so no confusion remains. its the confusion that interferes with decision making process.
I don't know how he can take your child away. has he been supporting you and your baby financially? see, I don't have that information either.
what is your next plan? sis you must sit down with some body from some trustworthy
organisation which will be able to guide you better. its really good to know that your family is supportive and is willing to stand up for you. please be flexible and make the right choices. now that I know that you are already headed for the road to recovery there is little for me to worry about. I'm happy for you.
This pain will go gradually in shall Allah.
lots of love to your baby and best wishes to you. you are free to talk to me whenever you like. sometimes just letting out your feelings can help immensely.
take care.
My dear Apple Green,
Oh sis, I am mot angry at all. i understand how hard it is to gather all the pieces. A book wouldn't suffice to record all aspects of this situation.
But to add a little more light, he was paying me very little support. I waited fir almost a year, and then I opened a child support case with the state. He got scared, and is paying a decent amount.
ALLAH SWT hasn't abandoned me at all, friends' apartment is empty many months during the year so they gave me a good deal for the rent.
Also, this is still a revocable divorce. So, we have still one opportunity to remarry for a last time, and if divorce occurred after that, I would have to marry someone else and all...
ALLAH SWT knows best, and this must be best for me but the heart has a mind of its own. It is hard to let go, and this is my biggest trauma as an adult.
My dear Apple (and brothers and sisters here), please pray for me for my green card application to be granted. I will be free to find a job and help my parents who invested so much in my studies. I will also able to go visit them. Please pray for me. I should have a decision on my case before 6 months.
Please also help me pray for a good husband, pious, and loving towards me and my child and my depression to leave me alone. Amine. I enjoyed a lot being married, praying together, cooking and family life.
May ALLAH SWT bless you too sis. I see your answers on many posts and you always take time to break it down for the OP. May ALLAH SWT reward you and bless you with your beautiful family. Are you here in the States?
Thank you for all
No sister I'm not. if I were in states I would have given you ample legal options and references of organizations. I would have been surely of some help to you sister Leyla. the more I read of you the more helpless I feel. you are a good person and Allah has something great in store for you. All the believers have some rough patches in life. mine began when I was 18 and lasted almost for 3 yrs. it was a horrible phase. I was contemplating suicide at one point. All doors were closed on my face and my reality looked like a nightmare and I couldn't wake up. there was another rough patch 2 yrs ago when my Facebook got hacked and it was a very scarry experience. Coz my hacker was toxic. was doing it out of revenge. some strange guy I didn't accept as a friend on fb. He was an absolute psycho and I was pregnant with my kid at that time. my husband naturally got involved and things got ugly on the net. both men swore at eachother. we had to hire a hacker to counter attack and so on just to recover all our email accounts.
God knows how he did it. I was always careful. it was crazy and I was dying from panic. Fortunately there was nothing for him to mess up with except my friends btw who also got some taste of him. he didn't spare them either. Although I still think he has some of my pics but its all over now yet I still feel the chill down my spine. he was so obsessed.
You know as per our capacity Allah tests us. No matter how many people tell you that you should do this or that the truth is you will get into situations automatically. its as He plans and He won't discuss them with us ever.
I prayed for you last night and I will continue to. you know when we share our emotions a chord binds
us together.doesn't matter how far you May be or how strange you are to me, I have felt the pain of my sister in Islam.
Oh sis Apple,
Be blessed.
Thank you for sharing your personal traumas. Life is hard, it is said it is a cycle of happy and unhappy moments. Thank GOD your ordeal is over. As a Muslim woman, our reputation is priceless and that drama on Facebook was really terrifying.
Compassion like I am feeling it from you means the world to me. "you know when we share our emotions a chord bindsus together.doesn't matter how far you May be or how strange you are to me, I have felt the pain of my sister in Islam." Be blessed dear Apple. You really touch my heart.
Us as women has a strong need for nesting and being loved and cared for. Sadly I felt like I had this before in my life, and lost it all when I got married whereas it is supposed to be the time I would be loved and cared for. The loneliness of my pregnancy and the loneliness of raising my child alone have shattered me to the core. But as you say I pray ALLAH SWT has something good in store for me. May HE bless and protect all of us and save us from harm.
May ALLAH reward you for praying for me and my child. It means the world to me.
jazak Allah khair sister Leyla,
This is the true beauty of our religion. Sympathy and compassion makes us Muslims.
One day all this will be your past and you will sit happily with your son in the comfort of your lovely home, feeling blessed and telling him how difficult these days were. May Allah bless you with all the happiness you need. The sacrifice that you are making for your parents will be rewarded soon. Ameen.
Sure we women are very emotional and need lots of love. May Allah give us enough strength to hold ourselves with grace in this world so we, the women of this ummah should rise again in the hereafter with honor.
My prayers are always with you Leyla
Take care
Assalam Alaikum.
Dear Apple,
Thank you sis for all the prayers. May THE LORD SWT grant them and reward you.
I am watching many videos on YouTube dealing with sabr and the quick journey in this world and getting ready for Akhira. macha ALLAH it helps a lot.
Thanks for all.
Ameen. jazak Allah Khair sis.
I will never forget you.
May you get the best in this world and the hereafter.
lots of love and prayers
your sister in faith.
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my dear sister Leyla,
Please do not hesitate. Sending across a word of comfort at my convenience is the least i can do for you. i visit this site everyday and if you left me a message on your post i will be happy to read it and respond in sha Allah. if my sister finds me useful in her agony i FEEL useful.
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i hope you are coping well now after the new legal procedure. sister trust me i have sincerely prayed for you more than once, begging Allah at length for you and your baby as if i know you personally. remember i told you '' ill never forget you'' ??
Also remember me in your dua. iam trying to get close to Allah, plz pray that he allows me to get close to him and makes me pious.
This Ramadan is going to be special. i am making a list of people who im going to pray for rather than just focussing on what i want from Allah. you will be there on it for sure my dear. i hope this sister who posted this post also gets peace and Allah makes her life easy. iam going to make a special list of my brothers and sisters on this website and weep for Allah to unite us in jannat ul firdaus. there is a part of me that really wants to see you guys.
Dear Apple, you are the sweetest and the kindest Macha ALLAH.
I so appreciate the prayers sis, they mean the world to me. I get very happy when I hear you say "I'll never forget you."
Your vows for this Ramadan are so selfless.
May ALLAH SWT count you among the Muqarabbun (the ones closer to him). I believe sincerity will go a long way, and I feel how sincere you are.
You are my sister in my heart. I also pray that we are reunited in Janatul Firdaws, content and blessed, dear apple.
May HE SWT bless you and your family. You are a breath of fresh air.
Aameen Aameen sister.This is by far The best prayer ever, the best wish ever. subhanallah.
When a momin prays for his momin brothers and sisters his prayer gets accepted.
plus the chances of its acceptance gets higher when he is making a dua while fasting and to add to it making supplication at the time of breaking fast has to have some extra effect, so why miss this chance of earning rewards. im sure sister Allah will listen to us and you'll be happy soon. Ameen.
i have honestly nothing to ask for, in this duniya yet i was always weeping over petty things, its only after i came here i saw how much i nag Allah.
May he forgive me.
we will stay in touch here In Sha Allah.
Take care my dear.
As Salaamyu Haleykum all, especially my dear Apple Green and my Brother Ali Yusuf, I wanted to greet you and thank you for your endless support. I am still hanging in, better days and less better days sometimes.
But Alhamdoullillahi.
May ALLAH SWT bless you all
Dear Sister,
I happened to read your post today and I felt a lot for you. You have been through a lot. I pray for your betterment. Dear Sister, don’t be disheartened, life is all about ups and downs. I have also been through ups and downs. Though I have family around Alhamdulillah but I am struggling all alone and working to overcome my pain and agony. I know how it feels.
Based on quick reading of your post, though I am at work but I cant stop myself from sending this down to you.
1. You are thinking of everything but you do also think that an innocent life i.e. your child depends wholly on you for everything. Don’t you find solace in him seeing his innocent face, his/her smile or laugh. Don’t you realize that if he/she does not have you, how it will affect his/her life. Still don’t you find a reason to live. To live for sake of your child. Don’t you find this child a blessing from Allah(Swt) that he has blessed you with him/her. Can you imagine how lonely life would have been if he/she has NOT come into your life. My point is that you have to live for sake of your child. Not matter what , how hard conditions may be, but your child gives you a reason to live, an aim to make life better for her/his sake. Its your duty as a mother and as a Muslim to raise your child in Islamic manner and give the child best of upbringing you can.
2. You would come out of depression and feeling sad if you accept the reality (a) your husband was not a good man. He was actually a hypocrite in disguise of religious practicising muslim and was himself a evil and not you. I have myself seen such man around. He took advantage of you and married you with no serious intentions. If he were serious for you then he would got you green card and would have worked to save the marriage. He put (False) blame on you for the health issues he was suffering from prior to marriage with you. What sort of husband or father he was, who left you all alone during this hard time when a wife needs her husband most. He was so smart that he turned things too ugly for you that you had left with no option but to seek divorce, and this is what he had wanted so the blame could come on you and NOT on him. What kind of husband or father he would be who left you making single parent, jobless, paperless, under debit of loans. What kind of man would he be, who did not even think of his child, for his/her safety or future. I read you saying “The shame of divorce eats me up”. Don’t you think that Allah made you to get you as well as your child free from that animal (he even doesn’t deserve to be called a human being). Was it not clear that he would never ever been a good husband nor a good father. How failure and loser he was. He would have been an abusive father as well apart from an abusive husband. How long could and your child would have suffered in his hands. At least you are safe now from his emotional and physical trauma. See the positive side of this divorce. (b) you have been a victim of circumstances, you were there all alone and in state of loneliness, you made wrong decision of marrying him. I don’t find you at fault. You thought of him as a religious and pious man as he posed so. You were too innocent to understand the legal and other relevant requirements of this marriage, especially considering the laws of US. So we all make mistakes but there is no point in keep on thinking why, how, if, that, but…it will take you nowhere, correction of mistake is what you need to think and act upon. It shouldn’t make any difference to you if he has moved on or marrying someone. You should be thankful to Allah(Swt) for saving you and your child from this evil man. So just think that whatever happened was for the best. Mistakes and hardships only make us more stronger and wiser. also bringing us closer to Allah.
If you read and realize carefully what I have said that you would no longer do this as you said “I have been praying ALLAH for a reconciliation with my ex-husband because I still love him, without success. Now, I am praying for death, and someone to take care of my baby. I am so tired of all these difficulties after all my trials and hardwork.” Would you still like to be together with a man who ill treated you, abandoned you for no valid reasons, did no think of your future, didn’t have any heart for his own child, didn’t do anything for his child, do you think that your death would solve the problems, do you think that anybody can feel, love and care for your child , the way you feel or do as his/her mother!!! Life is never every easy for all, we all go through difficulties, but giving up is not solution. If you read many posts given on this website then you would realize that we all are going through or have gone through in past about difficulties, failures and sins.
I can give you an example of my elder sister. She got married to man of her choice. He posed to be a good pioius Muslim just like your husband and soon after marriage, he showed his true colours just like your husband. My sister was pregnant and he did nothing for her. She even when got her labour pain, all alone went to hospital (we were living far from her) and her husband was nowhere around before of after delivery of the child. He used my sister physically and monetary. He made her bankrupt. He was about to divorce my sister but he died out of heart attack. After his death, my sister came to know many loans her husband had taken in her name. he even didn’t register the marriage so she not even his wife under government laws. Its been almost 11 years now that she is fighting in court for her justice and rights (she even has to prove that she was married to that man). She had no higher education as such, no penny , no help as such. She faced a tough time. Now she is still struggling a lot earning, maintaining finances, taking car of her kids, she says that my present conditions are not that good but surely I am better off that person and in being that abusive marriage. She says I have a aim in my life to improve myself from all sorts, to live for my kid and parents, she is not just working now but completed higher education too. Still she is having many issues but she is going on.
So, understand that you are not alone in this. This is a way of life. Pray to Allah (swt) to guide you and help you to make things easy. Pray to him that you could be a best mother to your child. Seek Allah for courage and inspiration.
3. In state of depression and dejection, you made further mistakes like seeing psychics to see my future inspite of knowing haram or paying some fake scholar in the name of black magic. Dear don’t you know that what will happen tomorrow, nobody can predict, that life changes everyday, that allah (Swt) knows best what is good for us and what is bad, may we understand or unable to see. So change your thoughts, don’t rely on anyone except Allah(Swt). Try to come closer to Allah(Swt), pray regularly and think positive. Have your Namaz (prayers) and Holy Quran as your guiding map& tool to be on right path & self help. Recite Duas to fight back negative thoughts. Don’t I get into any haram activities in hope of getting answers or to improve your present /future. Trust Allah(swt) and leave everything on him. No one can help except Allah(swt). Develop a belief that Allah alone is sufficient for me. Isnt it a blessing of Allah that you are getting help of friend with whom are staying, be thankful to Allah(swt) and to your friend as well.
4. If you can return to your home country, do it, if you can take up any job in US, take it, you still have a chance to fulfill your parents dream of your education and job. I know its is easy said than done, I know its very difficult but you can atleast try to do so, pray to Allah(swt) to help you. Think of ways, you can help yourself. Give your child the love, attention and protection every child deserves.
I have learnt and realized these words( My sister on this website Sister Sumaira- Jazakallahu khairan) full of wisdom so sharing with you
“Just love, trust and hope from Allah alone then you will never be hurt. “
“Just because you love someone with all your heart doesn't mean that the person will love you too. Just because you are doing good actions doesn't mean your life will turn out great! “
“We can't change our past but we can change our present and future to what we want it to be Inshallah.”
So, accept the reality, try to move one, keep youself busy so you may not have negative thoughts nor let youself get into the past. Stop thinking about that man, stop having grudges about that man, to your own self.
Self yourself and Allah(swt) will help you. I pray that Allah gives you peace and happiness in this life and the hereafter. Aameen.
Your Sister
SubhanALLAH dear sister, before everything, I want to pray that may ALLAH reward you and make you content as your message touched me so much this morning.
Oh sister @a repenter muslimah, you are so kind and so generous to go out of way to send me these words that are both reasonable and comforting. Truly, reading these words that you wrote to me for the sake of ALLAH SWT gave me the strenth to get out of bed. I had a bad night yesterday, feeling down, crying and feeling very sad. My ex husband told me he was going to Hajj next week, and I thought about how his life looked happy and free of responsibilities. At the same time, I am raising my son alone in America with no backup or even a person to watch him for me to take a shower...My son is 2, not speaking yet, probably speech-delayed because he doesn't have a stimulating environment at home (more than one person) to start talking or even to call me Mama because I am pretty much the only one with him. All these things weigh heavy on my heart, let alone the loneliness. But again, ALLAH SWT has not abandoned me sis, I am just a weak woman who feels sad too often. But kindness like yours help me so much.
1. you are so right sis. My son means the world to me. I love him so much. Seeing him grow up is a coolness tp my eyes. When I remember being with him when he was only 4 months and our LORD has seen us through many hurdles and hardships. Today we are much better off. By ALLAH's grace, I found a local daycare where he started free of charges. I was very worried not to be able to afford childcare fees. My ex pays child support, as it is the norm in the US, bt that money covers living expenses as I am not working yet. So Alhamdoullillahi that he has a chance to interact with other people other than me, and become more social. Amine for all your prayers dear sis concerning us. May ALLAH SWT The Able assist you also with everything that is going on, soothe your pains and hurt and comfort you. May you be blessed in both worlds.
2. These words are the voice of reason. You summarize well the circumstances of this marriage and divorce. I just got so attached to him, my whole life given into his and the family we formed, with no Plan B for when it didn't work out. That is why I am struggling emotionally so bad. Sister, when I was a wife, I felt so eager to cook for someone, have a companion, being a wife and a mother. Being discarded so quickly without any regards to my future by a person who I trusted even more than myself when I was marrying him has destroyed my spirit. But sis, I learned so much through this about dunyaa attachments and the purpose of life which is seeking ALLAH SWT. I love my religion more than I ever did before. I will keep on learning and trying to become a better person.
And sis, when it was time to file the civil divorce, he suggested to file for my papers (maybe his conscience got to him). I completely refused. But meanwhile I filed an application with the government, and by ALLAH's mercy the petition was recently approved!! I should have the green card in a few months, and a work permit was given to me ;ast week. May any person struggling know that ALLAH SWT has always a way out and miracles HE readily gives to his slaves. I am so much more optimistic about my future. I am actively job-searching now sister, please keep me in your duas to find a good job Incha ALLAH.
You sister is a strong woman and an inspiration. May ALLAH bless her with agood man who loves and appreciates her, as this is a prayer I am having for myself.
3. Thank you for the great advice given by Sister Sumaira. These words are golden. I will Incha ALLAH reread them a lot. I made a bad mistake with the psychics. This was at the lowest point of my life, I just needed to keep going and was ready to grasp on any glimpse of hope, so immersed I was in a depression. But SubhanALLAH, I learned that hope is with ALLAH SWT. The future and the present as well as the past belong to HIM. May HE forgive me and anybody who did the same mistakes.
As for holding grudges against my ex, sadly I am still unforgiving and hating him at times. May ALLAH clean and purify my heart in that matter.
Keep me in your duas sis, my resume is weak as I graduated 4 years ago without much job experience. But I will keep applying and praying the LORD for a breakthrough.
May ALLAH SWT reard you sis for your kindness and prayers. Amine to all the great duas you made for me. Your kindness inspire me to reach out also to other people suffering.
Thank you for all,
Your sister with love.
As-salam-alaikum Dear Sister
It really pleased me to learn that my advice helped you dear sister. Being Muslims, it is our duty to help each other and this is what I try to do.
I just received some eye opening words from sister Sumaira on my situation but they are so useful to you too, so again sharing with you
“You just have to let him go and close the chapter. This relationship was just a bad experience. It was a mistake. It was never meant to be. The end.”
“I have come to this world alone and will leave this world alone. I don’t need anyone to rely on or depend on only Allah.”
“Why should my life stop because he is gone?. He does not control me, I have full control of my feelings. I decide whether I want to be happy or sad.”
“I do not care if he marries a million women. He doesn’t mean anything to me, well maybe just the father of my kids! That’s about it.”
“Let him be happy! My only concern is that I want to be happy and make my kids happy and give them the best in life Inshallah.”
“Just forget about the negative stuff and focus on the positive aspects of your life. Your still young and free, the world is your oyster. Life is so short why not spend it doing something worthwhile instead of being in the dumps. So when life gives you lemons then make lemonade! (lol)”
I felt happy knowing that insha-allah soon you would get green card and you already have got work permit. Keep looking for some decent job and insha-allah you will get soon. Don’t you realize the blessings and mercy of Allah (Swt) you got from him? Do pray thanksgiving (Nafl) prayer for each blessings you get.
Allah(Swt) has given you another chance to improve yourself as person , to be a better mother, to be a better daughter (you still can fulfill dreams of your parents ), when you get job, try to enroll yourself back to education (if regular course not possible, go for distant learning mode but do continue to higher studies).
Maintain your finances in such way that you should be saving a bit , simultaneously, try to pay off your student loans.
It takes time to heal, I am too overcoming my past, I understand why you are still unforgiving and hating him at time. It happens, its normal. But if you start looking at bright side of your life and keep yourself distracted with your son, job, education and Islamic duties, you would soon overcome your past and he would no longer matter to you. If you have Allah(swt) with you and your son, I don’t think you need anybody else!
Keep going, insha-allah, you will be better than never before. Do remember us in your Duas.
Your Sister
I forgot to add that if you are financially not strong, doesn't matter, if you don't have people around as such, doesn't matter, still you can gradually change your life.
Go for morning or evening walk out with your son, go to some park, you can enjoy the natural beauty of this world like flowers, greenery (trees), looking at various people etc. your son can enjoy playing around, he can get along with other kids there. with this, both of you can enjoy at no expense and can even socialize with people around. You need change and this can be a good way to start off.
Start finding happiness in small small things, whenever you feel down or dull, remind yourself of the blessings from big to small (like you are alive, you got work permit, you have a child, you still can pursue higher studies, you have normal body, you are educated, you are improving yourself as Muslim etc...)
“Forget all the reasons it won’t work and believe the one reason that it will.” - Unknown
“Life is like photography. You need the negatives to develop.” - Unknown
“The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth.” - Unknown
“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. it means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” - Unknown
Good Luck,
Jazakumullahu, dear sis.
MAy ALLAH's blessings be upon all of us. Ameen.
I know with these problems of overcoming the past, it is a work-in-progress, I am10 times better than I was a year ago, but healing takes time. May ALLAH SWT accept our pain as means of purification. Don't forget me in your duas sis for a job or a great husband Incha ALLAH. May also ALLAH grant you your wishes and bless you with tons of happiness. I will follow your advice Incha ALLAH, from going back to school to hanging out with my little boy
may ALLAH SWT bless you sis,
big hugs fro your sis.