Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I right to ask for Khula/divorce from my abusive husband?

Forced marriage, hands chained together

Forced marriage?

Salaam Brothers & Sisters,

I came across this website and read many posts from many muslim sisters in a similar situation to me.  I thought I would also share my story, even it be a long one.

I am 27 years old and I have been married for 4 years.  I married my second cousin from Pakistan and sponcered him into the UK.

At the time of my marriage I didn't like my husband.  I was never attracted to him.  I had a few proposals, I didn't like any of them.  One of them I was happy with (a family relative) but my mother said no.  So as the same with all muslim sisters I was under lots of pressure to agree.  My mother was desperate for me to marry to fit in with her crowd of friends who had got thier daughters married.  There was no other reason.  She didn't even ask me if I was happy or help me with any decision.  The only reason I agreed to marry my husband was to get my mother off my case.  My dad was not too happy but went along with it.  My mother didn't even tell me directly that my nikkah was taking place.  She just gave the zubaan and started arranging everything.  If it was solely down to me and  I had no pressure I would never have married my husband in a million years.  I have always resented my mother because she never treated me as an equal to my other sisters.  I made so many decesions in my life to make my mum and dad happy but in return I got nothing, Ijust wanted them to be happy with me and love me like they do for my other sisters, I ask for nothing else.

Anyway my husband came to the UK after 3 months and we lived at my parents house.  I decided I was going to give my marriage 100% commitment regardless what happened in Pakistan.  And allah is my witness I put my heart and sole into my marraige.  I believed that what had happened has happened and moving forward was the only way.  My husband was good to me and treated me well.

We moved into our own home 3 years later.  I never actually loved my husband but I still wanted to make my marraige work.  I would cry during and after sex with my husband, but I didn't know why.   A few months later I found out that my husband had been putting recorders in my own home and listening to the conversations I was having with my sister when I was telling her that I do not feel any stability with my husband.  I work and I have pay half of everything such as the mortgage and bills.  I was telling her that I wanted my husband to be my rock and provide for me.  I wanted to quit work and become a full time housewife and a mother.  I told her that he is not taking full responsibility and does not give me a wife's basic right such as money.  I found I was paying for all of my own things and felt as though I was a tenant in my own home putting my share in everything.  I told her that I may have been happier if I had married my other relative whom I agreed to.  My husband does earn enough to provide for both of us and has enough savings aswell.

My husband confronted me about this, accused me of having an affair.  He stopped me seeing my sister so I told her not to come to my home and not to call me.  I told him that yes I agreed to marry someone else but my mum said no and I accepted that.  I told him that I do not have a boyfriend.  He refused to believe this and everything took a turn for the worst.  He started drinking alcohol in our home.  He stopped talking to me.  One night he came to me and started demanding oral and anal sex from me.  I was stopping him but he was so forceful.  I told him that this is haraam and he said you do it for others so do it for me.  He raped me.  He held me down for anal sex and I was screaming and crying but he had no remorse.  He was putting his penis near my mouth and telling me to suck it and I wouldn't (sorry to go into detail, but I need to get it out of my system).  After I coulnd't get up and asked him to take me to the toilet and he didn't even do that.

After this my imaan became so strong with allah and I prayed day and night that everything gets better between us.  I was so scared of my husband that I couldn't even argue or address what he had done to me.  I remained a silent life.  Still paying half the mortgage and bills and going to work.  I didn't let him near me for 3 months.  Then for the sake of making things better I tried for children hoping that it will make things better between us.  In 12 months I had 2 miscarraiges.  My husband gave me no support.  I stayed at my mums to get better and recover but my husband did not look after me or talk to me about my health ( I was bleeding for 3 weeks and the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat of my baby).  Throughout those 3 weeks of hell before my D&C I was working.  My husband didnt even suggest time off work.  I was still cooking and cleaning for him.  And all he could do was have a face on with me.  I was giving sadka and niaz for my baby and my husband did nothing. On the day of my D&C I told my husband to come to the hospital with me.  He said no that he wanted to work, so my mum spent the day with me.

After the miscarraige I said to my husband that I have gone through so much and I want things to get better between us.  He said that this is they way he will be from now on and I have to deal with it. He made my life hell, he controlled me I couldn't go to my mums or my sisters without a valid reason.  If I answered the door late he would say 'why what were you doing'.  He would go through my phone and ask why my sisters are texing me.  He would question why my nieces are ringing me. If I didn't finish my plate of food he would get angry.  He started throwing stuff around.  If may attention went on to the tv whilst I was eating he would get angry.  He started sitting in a seperate room to me.  He would swear at my sister and thier husbands.  He would say bad things about my mum and dad.

With time I became miserable.  I hated it when I had to have sex with him.  I would cry.  I hated his foreplay, all he would do is lick my body and I felt discusting.  I forced myself to remain quite and sleep with him.  We argued all the time over stupid things.  I hated it when he came back from work.  I started enjoying time on my own.  I wanted to be hapily married like my sisters. I want children.  I still get jealous when I see my friends are happy.  But I just could not love this man.  I hated looking at him.  In 4 years he's gave me nothing, not a penny, no emotional support, no frienship, nothing.  I changed his life, got him into the UK, got him his indefinite leave, he's got money.  But I got no emotional or financial support from him.

A few months later I prayed to allah to give me courage and tell my mum and dad what has been happening to me.  I care for my parents izaath, it means alot to me, but my life was being destroyed.  I was self harming, crying throughout the nights and not eating.  I didn't feel like talking to anyone.  I wanted to get out of this misery.  With allah's help I told my mum everything (apart from the rape and drinking, it was too embarrasing) and she was understanding.  A few days later I removed myself from my house and stay at my parents.  I told my mum that I have given this marraige 110% and I cannot give anymore.  I can't be around him, I can't talk to him.  When I married him I thought I could live life without loving him, but I was wrong.  The foundation of marraige is love. I tried so hard to love him but I could not see any nice qualities to love.

I have told my mum that I don't want to be with him and I would prefer a divorce.  She is not liking the idea and says it's shame on the family but what can I do?  How can I go back and be miserable.  He will never change, I know him.  And despite everything I even tried for children.

If I stay in this un happy marraige I am not being true to allah and it will not make my way to janna.  My heart is filled with hatred and I was so relieved to get away from him when I went to stay at my mums.  My husband is telling me to come home, but he is not saying that he will pay bills and mortgage, and he is not saying that he will look after me.  He has been disrespectful to my parents when they  asked him why he has treated me so badly.  He basically became a bully without realising it.

I would like to ask my brothers and sisters out there if I am doing the right thing by asking for khula/divorce.  I just haven't got the energy to try and make this marraige work anymore and I apologise to everyone out there and even my family.  The relative whom I always wanted to marry is still single and I believe that maybe allah will unite us, and this has been a test from allah to increase my imaan.

Thank you for reading my story

wasalaam

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15 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum sis,

    if must have been really hard for you. seems like you are his golden ticket, his taking advantage. what i realised alot of people who come from back home tend to have similar mentality. its probably thats how they grew up and holding to rigid culture and tradition. the worst thing is he aint trying to make it better.

    in islam the man has to provide for the wife, and all the earing the wife makes is 100% hers. he is doing opposite of that.

    alcohol is forbidden in islam, yet he drinks. do you really wanna start a family with a alcoholic drunkard?

    also its his duty to support you, love you, take good care of you emotionally and financially. so yes sis you are doing the right thing, get a divorce. your husband is a lost cause he aint worth it.

    hope things work out inshallah.

    ma salama

  2. Salamualaikum sister,

    I hope and pray to Allah that this message finds you relieved.

    As brother Ahmad said, your income is yours and your husband has no right over it except until you willingly give it for some reason.
    The entire responsibility of the finance is upon a husband and the wife is free from it. Asking a wife to share expenses or pay bills is unacceptable. A man who lives on the income of his wife...its wrong when he can earn but asks his wife to pay.

    Secondly, he RAPED you. He did a Haraam act. He drank, which deserves a punishment in Islam. He has been a very oppressive man.
    I understand that you needed someone to share your pain, where all this began, because he came to know that you shared all of it with your sisters.

    But when your husband does not wish to change, then according to me, you have a valid reason to ask for a Divorce. Allah Knows Best...
    If you wish to take "one more chance" you could have your father talk to this guy and tell him that any misbehavior will result in a divorce.
    But you have seen enough. If you want a divorce, ask him for it. If he denies, then you can seek Khula and pay him a fixed amount in return. You will need to ask the Qadhi/Imam about this amount.

    Don't worry sister, keep praying to Allah, guard all your 5 prayers, do Dhikr day and night, and pray Salatul Istikhaarah regarding this man you wanted to marry. Perhaps you have better things waiting for you.

    My sister, this life is a test that we all have to face in some or the other way. The real life is the life of the Hereafter, for which we all are here to prepare. This life is only one life, live it in pursuit of al Jannah, following the Quran and the authentic Sunnah, and insha Allah, you'll find the sweetness of the belief in Allah in your life. Every hardship will become easier to deal with, then.

    After you are done, trust in Allah and ask your father to talk about you to the man you wish to marry. My sister, don't worry, we are here to support you bu every stage of this. Write to us if you wish to share anything or need any more advise. Insha Allah, you'll find us help you to the extent we can. And I pray to Allah, my Lord and your Lord that He Helps you in all of this.

    May Allah Forgive all your sins and Have Mercy on you
    Aameen
    Wassalamualaikum

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • salaam

      i have a question on behalf of my elder sister. she is seeking advice for my elder sister. her story is extremely similar to the 27 year old sisters who i hope inshallah more settled. i am wanting to know if our farther and brother have moved away and we have no contact with them although they know of my sisters khullah and her wanting to seperate. Am i as her only family able to call him for her khullah?

      jazak allah

  3. Your divorce from this man is long overdue. Do it today and get out of the house.

    For other unmarried sisters who may read this, DO NOT marry a man you don't like. No one can force you into a marriage without your consent. Just say no, and stand your ground.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. salaam
    sister brother Wael is right
    don't forget you have to also get the english divource i am assuming you live in the uk but as you sponsered him you have to get it and do not let your house at the very least get your shear of it even if your name is not on the deed papers i will assume they are on there .
    i will keep you in my prays

    Allah Hafiz

  5. Salaam sister

    I read your message and tears filled my eyes . I thought I was the only one going through the torment and evil wrath of a husband .

    Sister you have been tortured for 4 years ! Is that not enough ! I could only take 8 months of my husbands behaviour and it broke me . I can not imagine how you are feeling like the earth beneath you is crumbling . Sister take a step towards Allah for he hears his servants he will listen to your prayers please please get out this mess! The advice on this site you are being given is genuine honest and good advice .

    You say that you are worried about "izaat" Allah says do not put yourself through hardship which is bad for your health ... What is izaat when dear sister this man is torturing you day i'n and day out?

    You don't have children see that as a blessing imagine having children from this man and him coming home drunk ?

    I strongly advise you inform your parents about the drinking this will shed some prospective on things. If your parents love you more than concerned about there izaat ( which I am
    Sure they do) they will support you .

    What I am fearing for you is what next ? Women etc as alchohol only leads to more sins ..

    Sister you can do it trust me you can go to the shariah council and seek a faskh of nikkah the immams will asses your case and assist you even if he refuses .. Iv been there sister I can tell you if it gives you comfort most of what you have been through I have except my husband has had various women on top ! I am near my faskh of nikkah and if you wish I can put you in touch with excellent Imaams who will resolve your case in a few weeks .

    Sister this man will destroy you please seek refuge with your lord find the strength to leave him for a much happier life even if it is being on your own to find yourself for a short while .

    Inshallah I will pray for you .

    Samiya

  6. dear sister, i have made the same sacrifice or lets say mistake as u did at the start, engaged to someone whom i just dont want to marry, im feeling so miserable already when im not even married yet, and u have been married and plus gone through so much, it must have been really really tough!!

    send this question to islamqa website, in shaa Allaah u will get an answer from a good scholer. or u can go to see a local imam perhaps and see what advice and support they can offer u. do istikhara as well sis.

  7. Salaam brothers and sisters and thank you for your comments.

    Since my post there have been several family meetings. My mum and dad have approached my husband about his behaviour and all he has to say is that send my wife home. He is not promising to change and take the household responsibilities. I know he won't change I've been batteling him for 16 months and he'll never say or do anything he doesn't want to. He says he doesn't want 'a chance' either. So my parents have accepted that this marraige will cause nothing more but misery for me. I feel lucky that my parents have accepted this as I thought they would never support me. Since I have been sleeping at my mums for 3 months I've still been paying half the mortgage and bills.

    This man has destryoed me from head to toe. I hate my body and feel discusting looking at myself. I have lost all my self confidence.

    I have prayed salatul istikhaara regarding the guy I wanted to marry in the first place and it has not come back negative. So inshallah allah has something better for me at the end of all this mess. Infact I have full faith that my patience is being tested by allah and something good will come of it. I just wanted to know from all of you that if I was doing the right thing. My Imaan has increased so much and I feel very close with allah. I read durood shareef, durood tanjeena, namaz, quran...praying that allah gives me strength getting through the divorce. I feel very embarassed by it (no girl wants to be a divorcee) but I have no other option. I wouldn't wish any woman to go through what I have gone through. I do believe that whatever happens to us allah always dpes what's best for us even if we are upset at the time. I'm sure he has seen that I tried so hard for a family.

    Thank you all for your advise and may allah keep your lives happy and blissful. Remember me in your duas and may allah forgive all our sins and reward us with happiness.

    Wasalaam

    Thank you very

    • Salamualaikum,

      Its a great news that your parents are supporting you.

      Hope for the Best from Allah but seek refuge from the worst. Pray only to Allah, seek Help Only from Him, obey and follow the Sunnah of His Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, to the extent possible.

      Eliminate darood tanjina from your list, as it is not prescribed in the Quran or the Sunnah. Keep your a'mal pure and only for the sake of Allah. If you need any help in it, you can ask us.

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. Salaam brother waseem

    What would be a the most appropriate surath to read or any duas? I can them study and read them and seek help and guidance from allah talla..

    Wasalaam

    • Wa Alaikum as Salam sister,

      I am not aware of any specific Surah you can recite for your situation (authentically proven), but I heard Surah Yusuf can be recited in times of hardship, but I don't attest it, because I am not sure.

      There are many du'as you can recite from the book of Du'as: Hisn al Muslim

      This book has du'as for almost every stuation.

      Yes, you can recite the following, authentically proven from the Saheeh Ahaadeeth of our beloved Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam:

      Surah Ikhlaas, Falaq and Naas after every prayer (once, but thrice after Fajr and Maghrib)
      Aayah al Kursi after every prayer and before sleeping
      The last two Aayaat of Surah al Baqarah before you sleep
      Surah al Mulk and Surah Sajadah before you sleep
      Surah Aal Imran Aayaat 190-200 when you wake up in the morning (while looking at the sky)
      Surah al Kahf on Friday

      There are more, but I can not recall them now. Insha Allah, if you practice these, it will help a lot. Also regularly read du'as from the book I mentioned above. You can download it for ready reference.

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Thank you very much brother

    Wasalaam

  10. Sister, the guy raped you that says a lot of 'how much he loves you' (sarcasm). Report him to the police, let your sisters know and then tell mum. Leave him completely and marry someone who you will have feeling for and also who will love you back.

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