Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Divorce is the Only Option

Salaam alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakathu,

I met this girl online and after years of on-and-off communication, I decided to meet her.  Up until meeting her, I had had no past relationships.  In fact, I had no past!  Despite having no past, I did not hold her past against her and after a few meetings, I decided to marry her because I was given assurance that at least our future household will be a reflection of an Islamic home.

Now, we lived in different countries (a 6-hour flight one-way), it was customary for us to visit each other (mostly, I'd visit her).  To make matters easy and legitimate, we discussed getting our nikah done while she'd continue to live with her family until I wrap up my post-grad.

Things started getting shaky as soon as my family asked her family for her hand.  This girl had immense insecurity toward people.  Without having met them, she was already convinced that my mother and sisters are borderline "evil" who are (pretty much) out to get "us".  She is the only daughter in her family and has four brothers all of whom are married.  After having spent more than a decade with almost all four of her sisters-in-law, she has nothing but the worse things to say about them.  While that is a massive red flag, I continued to give her the benefit of doubt and thought it would all go away.

Leading up to, and after, the nikah, I was busy working and doing my Masters so as to invest in our future.  At this point, she had her Masters but was not working.  So it was normal for her to call me and occupy me with petty things when I had bigger things to tackle.  I would listen to her patiently but my patience is not infinite.  I would request her to take a job just so that she could get her mind off things but she always had something cooking in her head.

She was also convinced that I'm a "mama's boy" and that I am easily "influenced" by my family.  Again, I thought nikah would make her insecurities and concerns vanish.  My family and I flew to her city, did the nikah in August 2016 and returned home later that month.  Two months after our nikah, in October 2016, she came to visit me and that is when every thing came undone.

I had planned a trip for us (while she was visiting us) and on the day of the trip, I realized that my driver's license had been suspended over something I had already addressed.  Given that I could not drive, I had to cancel the trip.  I lost about $1500 on the trip (no cancellation policy).  On top of that, I had to pay another $750 in penalties to have my license suspension lifted.  While I was looking for papers to see if I can fight the $750 penalty charges, my wife did not offer any help.  I did not expect her to give me any money (she wasn't working at that time) but she did not even offer moral support.

She started acting weird and picked a fight with me with my family in the other room.  In the mess that I was, I still made sure she was taken care of and the next day, without having had breakfast myself, I went out and got her breakfast (exactly the stuff she liked).  Still upset over what transpired, she started arguing with me.  I would never start a situation but unfortunately, I'm not strong enough to stay quiet either so I had to say a few things (nothing disrespectful, no profanity....while she was openly saying things about my family).  At a certain point, she threw the same coffee I bought for her at my face.  I had cleaned the apartment less than an hour ago so her coffee landed on the sofa, the wall behind the sofa and I was soaked in it.  That enraged me but I, Alhamdulilah, still managed not to get into a physical altercation with her (although what she did is considered assault....aggravated assault if the coffee would've been hotter than it was).

She left the next day.....she took off 10 days before her scheduled departure and it broke my heart.  Moreover, I had to pay for her round-trip ticket when she first expressed her desire to visit me; then, I had to buy her a last-minute one-way ticket because she decided to 10 days before schedule.  I was appalled because I had lost $2300 in less than 24 hours.  I was the only one earning to save up for us to move in together so I thought she would have the slightest of concern for my financial situation.  She had none; I bought her the ticket and she left.

After she left, I felt bad and thought I wronged her so I flew to her city to smooth things out.  We talked things over and less than 2 weeks after I returned home (after we "fixed" everything), she had her "concerns" again.  This time, she was suspicious because I left the office 17 minutes late.  She was expecting my call 17 min earlier and when I explained to her that it took me 17 min to turn my work over, update my manager on the situation and get to my car, she made it appear like she suspected me of having an affair with a coworker.  I reminded her that I never had any girlfriends in my life (prior to getting married); it would be nonsensical to even entertain the notion of me having an affair now that I was married.  She wouldn't see it any other way but hers so I said to her - and for the first time I brought one of her family members into our argument - that she cannot see her own flaws just like her mother cannot see her (my wife's) flaws.  Hell broke loose because I mentioned her mother.  She totally disregarded all the times she insulted my family and how I'd forgive her the next day.  She took off again, figuratively.

She stopped communicating with me for 4 weeks despite the fact that I texted her thrice on three successive days (after our argument).  I apologized as well but didn't hear back from her for 4 weeks.  A month later, she returned and tried to pretend that everything was good.  However, during her 4-week hiatus, I had plenty of time to think things over.  All along, I meant to be just to her; a wise person I trust reminded me that it is as important for me to be just to myself as it is to be just to her.

My paradigm, in everything, is Islam.  My wife has no framework so her arguments can come from Islam (if it suits her), our native culture (if its to her benefit) or Western system (if all else fails).  In other words, she won't stand for any of them.  She will use what she can to have it her way.  Realizing this bit, coupled with the fact that I ought to be just to myself as well, I informed her (when she got back in touch with me after having disappeared for 4 weeks) that I cannot be with her anymore.

We had more arguments.  This time I did not hold back.  I outmatched every single one of her insults hurled at my family.  She even had her mom leave me nasty voicemails chewing me out.  I did not retaliate; no one from my family did.  That was 2 months ago (in January 2017)!  Now she is contacting me again begging me for one more chance but truth be told, I cannot give her another chance.  I did so much for her but every time we would argue, she would taunt me for not having done enough although I was pretty much sending her money for virtually all her bills and needs.

Am I wrong to think this way?  I just don't see myself being with her anymore.  After all the nasty things she said to me and all the things I was forced to say to her, I cannot be with her.  How can a man be with a woman he does not respect?  To make matters worse, her mom left me some disturbing voicemails.  There is no way I can ever associate myself with her family again.

I want out.  Is it the right thing to do?

Salah


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23 Responses »

  1. Hi brother,

    Sorry to hear the situation you are in. This sounds very similar to my story. However I sponsored my spouse from abroad and ever since he came here, he has been hurling abuse and threats towards my family and me. During this time I became pregnant and suffered immense ill health however my husband was of no support. Soon after my daughter was born, he left me and decided to stay with his sister in the same country.

    I had also previously caught him cheating and making this whole 'visa' plan on the phone to his sisters. I could go on and on but ultimately, I wish I had left him sooner and from day 1.

    At the end of the day, follow your gut - it's never wrong and it sounds like to me that your wife is not interested in this relationship but is hoping that she will make life hell for you so that you are compelled to leave her. This is what my husband did to me however I didn't leave him, he ended up leaving me.

    My advice would be to put an end to things peacefully. Brother its probably not the best Islamic advice but trust me there are some people out there who will use abuse and trod on you and will have no shame on it. They will break you and still make it out like they are the victims - its better to end things earlier rather than get more involved and then regret it later.

    All the best, keep us updated.

    • You've really been so patient, sometimes lotsa women have problems of nagging and complaining, but just because you left 17minutes late I can see that hers is way too much. And shutting you out for good four weeks is a very bad thing showing she doesn't care, and shamessly involving her mum to tell you nasty things, and insulting your parents Is a very wrong thing, divorce is the way out and you don't love her or respect her anymore.
      I just hope she learned her lesson, brother but you should understand how painful it is being a divorced woman . If you're very certain that she's changed could you please give her a second chance but if you feel you really don't like her anymore and you think she's putting up an act you can just divorce. You should have let her come over and stay with your parents after marriage instead of her own home

    • Sorry to hear that sister Coffeegirl. I don't understand how any sane human being, in their right mind, can curse their own in-laws if they haven't done anything wrong to them. My family, after the first few arguments between me and my ex-wife, completely detached themselves from us. They would support us financially and in every other way ONLY when I would reach out to them. Other than that, they left everything upon me because they sensed that my ex-wife does not like them getting involved (even though they meant well the entire time).

      Also, I loved everyone in her family, from the oldest to the youngest. She had 8 nephews and nieces back then, 9 now, mashaAllah. I loved her nephews and nieces more than she loved them. I remember going to Toys R Us this one time to buy them the latest video game console only to be stopped by her. She did not want me to spend $300 - $400 on them; I, on the other hand, saw it as buying a gift for my own nephews (if she had let me purchase it).

  2. Brother you sound like a nice, sincere and hard working man. You deserve so much better. What made you be attracted to her. She sounds like a spoiled brat. Who requires attention all the time and is a selfish *itch (excuse my language, i never cuss but can't stand people like her). Do you see her as setting a good example of what a future mother should be like. She is far from Islam. She doesn't appreciate you and has no respect for your efforts. Pray istikhara and ask Allah to guide you.

    • A curse word should not be mentioned with the name of Allah, so please remove your curse word, Thankyou
      and to the person who wrote this post, Just because you had chatted with her Online doesn't mean you should have married her, A person can identify the personality of one person from day one. How could not recognize her personality through messages or while meeting, sorry to be harsh you sound as a loving husband, i hope you find peace in your life.

      • Even if Salah met her in person, you never know people fully. That takes time. You can see, he tried to do the right thing.

      • A lady seeking for attention from her belove is not wrong.it is normal and shows how she cares,i see nothing wrong in seeking too much attention from someone you love.

        She did many wrong things but not seeking for attention

    • Insha'Allah I'll pray to find someone who can be a great future mother and a good Muslim wife to me. I've full faith in Allah (swt). HasbunAllahu wa ni'mal wakeel.

  3. You deserve better than her, you sound like a very nice gentleman but you can predict a human's behaving from his past. She has no respect whatsoever and you don't have to suffer. Move on and don't look back. I got divorced after 5 years of a horrible marriage, single mum with a little kid. I've been single for three and a half years and trust me the only time I was able to see how miserable I was is when I left. My life seemed so different and I knew that I should've left ages ago. Luckily you guys were newlyweds with no kids so nothing to hold you back or make you think twice before getting a divorce. Life goes on and you'll find the right girl who's going to give you all the happiness insha'allah. Just be patient and make sure that the girl you want to make your other half is the right girl for you.

    • Thank you sister Aycha. May Allah (swt) bless you and your child with the best in this life and the Hereafter. Insha'Allah I have full faith in Allah (swt). He will take care of all our affairs.

  4. Oh brother may Allah heal your pain this is very deep story i wish and pray for you may Allah bring happiness and joy in your life and divorce is very last option when things not work after trying again and again but i will say that you must do istakhara ,istakhara is asking help from Allah that you should leave her or give her chnace so i will not say anything more than that you should do istakhara and ask Allah for help

  5. Please brother do istikhara and help to ALLAH and guideness .If istikhara result in negative then you should divorce her .When i read your post i see she is not good for you and have no respect for you .Please first istikhara and after that take some action.

  6. Salam brother,

    You need to divorce this woman. You are seeking a wife to run an Islamic household, you are not a psychiatrist hoping to help out a patient for free. Coffee thrown at the sofa, four weeks of no communication after you apologized, seriously, get out now. Don't get married to her again, don't wonder if this was a mistake. If you stay with this woman she will become the mother of your children. Do you want your children to be raised by her and have this tainted view of the world? Do you know how difficult it will be to divorce her once you have kids with her? Run and find someone else. Run now! Salam.

    • Walaykum as salaam wa rahmatullah,
      Brother, I am amazed at the things you all are saying. These are the exact things my loved ones were saying regarding my situation. Almost everyone, without exception, said that she seemed to have mental issues. And yes, she threw hot coffee at me. Not once but twice. Apparently, she could not empty the entire cup in one throwing (swing) motion so she did it again to make sure I am drenched in all of it (including the sofa and wall). I had to get out because I figured if she could do that to me in my parents' home, I can only imagine what she'll do in our own home. I was able to control myself that time; next time, I may have hit her back and that would land me in serious trouble. I do not want to be charged with domestic abuse and have a police record.

      • Salam

        I'm glad to hear you got out of that situation without escalating it or getting a permanent record. Hopefully you'll get someone good now. Thanks for the response.

  7. Salaam alaykum wa rahmatullah,
    Jazakum Allahu khairan for all your responses. I had posted my query months ago so between then and now, I already decided to move past this relationship. I have enough reasons to believe that such an alliance is not worth it.

    Having said that, I would like to mention that my side of the story will always be subjective. May Allah (swt) forgive me if I have presented a one-sided picture of the situation. However, I never transgressed my limits - ever - until I was pushed to the edge. And that happened after a year of silly arguments, repeated taunting and insulting of my family and no regard for anything I did....no gratitude.

    May Allah (swt) bless you all; keep me in your prayers.

  8. Wow ma sha Allah brother. I hope I will have a future husband like you I would try anything to make him happy, seriously. May Allah bless you and may you find a righteous wife that will honour and respect you. Amin

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