Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Divorce or Keep Secret Nikkah

Asslam-u-Alikum,

I have a situation and I really need help. I live in north American society and I met a beautiful muslim girl 3 years ago. After meeting her couple of times I proposed her and consulted with my parents.secret nikah My parents spoke to her parents.  I was 20 at that time. Her parents did not want to get her married to me at that time and did not say yes or no to my parents. To avoid any problems and thinking both parents will agree any time we decided to have our nikkah done in secret (without a wali). During the 3 years period of nikkah we had intercourse only once.

However within three year period things got worst. The girls parents never bothered to keep any relationship with me or my parents which ended upsetting my parents and saying no to this marriage. At the point when it was communicated that my parents dont want to do this marriage any more the girls parents started saying they want to do it.

At this point the situation is I have to choose to be with this girl or my parents. What hurts me is that I was very happy with this girl however her family has not treated we well or respected or cared about my existence in last 3 years. At this point I do not want to be part of girls family but I do love the girl.

I fear Allah (swt) and got secret nikkah done only and only to avoid doing any haram. At this point the argument with girl/wife have increased and none of the parents know we are married. The problem is if we tell them it will be a situation of their reputation and honor.

I have tried explaining to my parents and they might even say yes but can clearly see they would say yes in pain and after being forced and I do not want to hurt them. Can you please tell me at this point is it better to continue this marriage? Or end this marriage to avoid any future problems? Also I fear allah (swt) and like i said i had intercourse once due to which girl is not a virgin anymore. I cannot weigh which one is worst divorce or hurting parents and going fully against their will. Can someone please guide, May Allah reward you for this.

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4 Responses »

  1. Salaam Faleh,

    I am sorry for this terrible, complicated situation you have found yourself in.

    First I would like to address that a secret marriage is not valid in Islam, and you cannot marry without a Wali - and there are good reasons for this: to avoid this pain and strife that you are going through now.

    Regarding your situation, what is happening is that all of these problems revolve around the root cause. There are two roots here in your problem which I can identify - the first is that you are trying to have a marital relationship in secret, and the second is that you are trying to maintain some kind of good image with your parents and uphold their view of you as a loving and obedient son. Whilst all of your intentions have come from a good place - they have led you to a stage where you cannot uphold both of these things - you cannot on the one hand, tell everyone that you are secretly married and look good to your family at the same time.

    Before I go on, I just would like to say that looking good to our families and upholding our image is something that is very important to most people and it is also the cause of a great deal of problems - it is a human's fatal flaw. We must be willing to do the right thing no matter what at all times, and sometimes the right thing is to do is to admit we have erred, admit that we are not perfect and come clean with everyone to the expense of our image.

    What happens when we try and do something in secret is that we cannot be fully honest with anyone. And when we are not fully honest about something, the advice and guidance that we receive cannot be applied. People cannot properly advise you when you are giving them an incomplete picture of your situation - and they get frustrated with you because they cannot understand why you cannot follow their guidance. So your parents cannot understand why you can't just walk away from this girl - because they don't know that you have got married and that you have slept together.

    The key to solving your problem is to first of all own up to everything that has been going on and be honest - and then deal with the consequences. All of your relationship troubles and heartache revolve around this dishonesty and secretiveness, and the girl's parent's reactions and attitude toward you are also because they have no idea what is going on.

    It's hard to stand up and say "hey everyone. we got married, and we have been married now for 3 years". Its brave, its courageous - and most importantly: its the moral and right thing to do, the only route to clearing the air - and this is my advice to you.

    Once all is out in the open: there will be pandemonium. There will be anger, upset, hurt feelings, accusations and all sorts going on as the people around you process the information and formulate their own feelings about what they want to do. People will become very emotional about it. Let them: it's a natural process. After this pandemonium, everyone has to sort the situation out and decide how to move things forward for universal benefit: that means to come up with a solution in which all parties must compromise to achieve peace.

    If that conclusion is that you stay together, or you part - I don't know: but the right and proper way to go about all communication and all relationships is with a core of honesty, truthfulness and a willingness to hold your hands up and take responsibility for your actions, face the consequences and behave with humility - even when your image and reputation is at risk, and even when secrecy remains an appealing route to escaping without damage or pain.

    Stand up, put your hands up, come clean and accept the consequences - then you will see clear answers, and you will feel a peace in your heart.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  2. Der Faleh, Walaykumsalaam

    I agree with Leyla 100%.

    Attempting to continue with this secret will do nothing but cause more strife in the long run. Come clean and face the consequences. Its the best way forward.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalamualaikum,

    I agree with what Leyla and Sister Z said..but what if he just choose to separate with the girl whom he married because of his fear in his family...and leaving the girl,,,who doesn't do anything but to love him...being good in her deen,,,or just say...HE DUMPED HER...

  4. Hello,
    I am the same person who started this post in 2010.

    After writing this post I am sure most of the person who will read this post with hate my guts. However this is more of a lesson that I wanted to share. I have always made greatest decisions in my life. Alhumdillah. Always. However when I look back this is something that kills me.

    Life takes terrible turns. Just an update on my life. I left my wife in pain and went ahead to marry someone my parents wanted. Keep in mind from age 19 - 25 I was with my ex wife and loved her. She was my best friend and I was hers. No one knew we were married since marriage was secret. We did not live with each other but we took care of each other and understood each others responsibility.

    I have been married to my new bride for 8 months now. I tried my best to get along with my new bride. From shopping, going out, gifts, surprizes everything. Everything in my capability I did to make this new marriage work even now. However every day I wake up my guilt and it kills me. It burns me from inside. I cannot be honest and say I love you to my new bride since I do not. I always loved my ex-wife. I guess I became a good actor and pretend to care and love. But love is from heart. We cannot make our self love anyone.

    There is abslutely nothing wrong with my current wife. She is beautiful, talented, educated, respectful and tries her best to take care of me. However I cannot be connected to her becasue somewhere in my brain I am connected to my ex-wife. Since I share most of my life and experiences with her I cannot take her out of my daily life. (Keep in mind I tried and I know how bad it is to think about someone other then your wife). I tried to seek help from pious people from community. However no benefit.

    The major problem is I cannot talk to her becasue I cannot think of anything to talk about. I try to go for long drives but they are quiet quiet drives. The relationship in bed room is there becasue I have to. Please do not get me wrong. I tried to plan my days and plan things and conversations to make this work however cannot. I cannot plan my whole life ahead. As soon as i come to bedroom I fall asleep as much as I try to talk but I cannot. I have never felt happiness in my heart more then an hour or two. The best thing to me is my friends who lighten my day.

    My parents see the pain on my face and have cried to me many times. They regret what has happened here. However they are no one to blame becasue it was my responsibility to protect my relationship with my ex-wife.

    In my Ex-wife's world:
    After going to the emotional pain and guilt inside her for 1) being married 2) not be a virgin for her new husband 3) her feelings attached to me, she finally decided to get married to another guy. However 2 weeks before wedding she called it off becasue she feared her new husband will find out about our relationship and she could not face him.

    I ran into her recently and I could see the love she had for me and the feeling I got in my stomach. I was recently contacted by her and the happiness I felt in my heart was unbelieveable however I cannot be a cheater and I do not want to ruin her life again. However everyday I wake up and see how my new bride is getting dissatisfied by me. I am doing everything to make this new marriage work but when the love is not from heart people will notice.

    I regret I did not step up in my responsibility
    I regret I did not stand up to my parents
    I regret to getting married in a rush to leave things behind thinking I could just continue with my new bride
    I ask for forgiveness everyday from Allah (Swt)
    I wonder if I will ever be able to love my new bride
    I wonder when will she realize that I am not honest to her inside my heart but am going through relationship becasue I have to

    I fight everyday with my self against thought of going back to my ex wife who would fully would accept me today even though I have been with another person and trusts me. Allah knowns what will be the future of me, my current wife and the women I love and loved.

    Keep something in mind we are average people just like you guys who tried to make things right by getting married in secret to please Allah (swt).

    Sister Leyla and SisterZ I wished I listed to you and would be a love and honest husband today.

    May Allah forgive my sins and make these tests easier for me.

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