Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Divorce or stay?

wedding rings divorce

Assalam walaikum sisters,

I have been married for the past one and half year to my husband who lives in India. I live in the USA, since a year. I just stayed with my husband for 6 months and then after I came back to the USA as I study here.

My marriage was fixed in 15 days, I was not really comfortable to marry him as he was very young and has never worked before and it was a deep feeling that I had that this marriage won't work out as it was getting fixed so soon. I also thought that the family was hyper religious which I am not.

I liked someone for 5 years in my teens, he always promised to talk to his parents about me but then went off to another country for work, we did talk like once a week but no progress. I was upset that he was just passing time and then I just stopped talking to him for a few months. He came to india and called me up, I did talk to him and he said he wants to meet me , I met him thinking he wants to talk about marriage. I did not know that he was already married, he hid it from me. When I did find out I was heart broken, and decided never to marry again and came back to the USA, got busy in my life.

When my marriage was fixed and I went to India , he was texting me saying he is not happy with his wife and she left him and that I should leave my husband as well. I met him to return his things back, this was what I hid from my husband. When my husband found out, he was very hurt, but he made me take a promise that I will never talk to this guy again. I swore on the quran that I won't and I was having no intention of cheating my husband and that I did love him a lot.

My husband forgot about it, and I came to the USA. He was forcing me to come back to India but I couldn’t because of college and I had applied for my husband's visa for USA. We started having fights, and we pointed at each other but I never complained about him to my family. My mother in law doesn't like me cause I am staying away from my husband. But I had to as when we both will be settling in USA, I was supposed to be able to support him as this country is new for him.

He recently after a year of me taking the swear that I wouldn't be talking to that boy and which I never did after that day, he went and told his mother all of this. She got very upset and called my family up. After that neither my in-laws nor my husband is taking my calls, I do know I was wrong but he said he forgave me and suddenly brought this up out of nowhere. My husband had promised me he would not mention it but since the day I came back to USA he always taunts me on my character. Please help me, I do not want a divorce - my mom will be broken, I am her only daughter.

Recently after one week and many messages of mine, he spoke to me and asked me sign a paper saying I will not repeat my mistakes, to which I agreed I would. He insisted he would send me the letter and I just need to read and sign, when I received it in my email it was an actual notice typed up by his lawyer. I was shocked and the contents read wrong allegations on me saying I was intimate with my ex bf after marriage and I still am, this is totally untrue. I am in a different country from my husband and living with my family which are moderately religious too and would never allow it . In the notice he totally portrayed that I am such a horrible person hiding all his faults. He had told me if I sign this off he would consider giving me a last chance. Every time I believe in him and trust him it gets backfired, and all marriage is based upon is trust. I am very confused, I do not have much time as within a month his visa would be current and I wouldn't want him using me for that only if he wouldn't stay.

Please guide me . He doesn't communicate through texts thinking I'm gonna use them as proof or calls . Just a photo app .

Zarawahed

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4 Responses »

  1. Assalam o alaikum
    Dear sister, i can totally understand ur situation as i have also been with a man like this. Once anyone among the marriage is questioned, that trust can not be build again. My husband used to do the same, not exactly but he had trust issues that i share my in laws stories with my mother n family. Just on that issue he gave me a divorce. Its been more then three months. He also lives in england. I think its better to take a step back from those who questions ur loyalty and sincerity. That blaming means he doesnt deserve u at all. He will keep on doing that when u will beg him for the forgiveness as he will understand that this relation is ur weekness. Believe no good pious women wants a divorce but slaying ur life with a wrong man who questions ur loyalty and points u out everytime a mistake happens is not worth living with. If he can leave u or avoid once, he can do it again and again. Believe me even i never wanted a divorce but i atleast deserved to be respected but he couldnt see that loyalty so he is the one who needs to understand few things. Bad people cannot stay with good ones for long. I pray to Allah May he helps u in going n picking the right track. Ameen
    Stay blessed

  2. Dear Zarawahed,

    From my understanding, part of trust is gone because you are not living under the same roof as your husband, so therefore, all sort of thoughts have been going through his mind. His imagination/thoughts has probably overtaken him.

    Before divorcing try to live with him to regain that trust. And after this if he is still mean to you then only then you should consider divorce.

    Also, after divorce, my other advice is that you should not return to your ex. This is just my personal opinion. Let your ex sort out his life out alone, and you move on and sort out your own.

    You seem independent person, so don't cling to your past.

    Best wishes,

    Me

  3. Leaving him! Please you deserve way way way better

  4. I didn't want to say it, but part of why he doesn't trust you is because you went to meet your ex. You didn't need to go meet him to return his things, you could have mailed them or gave them to someone else to give to him. I, right now, don't know that you're saying the whole truth.

    I also agree with another person who posted on here about not living with your husband. From what you said in your post, you may have left immediately after Nikah to finish your studies. You don't have any holidays? You can't go on leave for a semester? I think this problem can be worked out.

    As far as using you for a visa, I have no idea how to help you figure that one out.

    In Sha Allah Khair, sister.

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