Is divorce a solution for a loveless marriage?
AS all..
I've been married for 9 and half years. My marriage was a love marriage and started off well. I have two children. For the last 5-6 years my husband has been increasingly uninterested in me, we're are now at a stage where we barely speak, have no marital relations - we just basically live under the same roof.
I have tried to If I try to speak about this but he ignores me - he either ignores me or tells me that I'm not perfect and that I should try to be a better mother (though he always fails to explain how that relates his treatment of me).
In the past I would cry, send him links to Islamic talks on marriage, suggest counselling and have even threatened to leave him.. he would change for a few days and go back to his old ways.
Now I don't see any point in all of that. It's no use trying to make someone love or value you. He is not violent or verbally abusive -- just dismissive and he is a good, loving father to his children.
I'm writing to you to get an idea of why he is behaving like this. I would also like some advice from people who have gone through a divorce with young children..is it really that bad?? I'm I wrong to put my happiness over my stability for my children? I think, I may seriously have to consider this (getting divorced) as I'm personally not fulfilled by this marriage...
Fatima33.
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Salaams,
I don't think anyone can give a solid answer as to why he acts like he does. All anyone here can do is speculate, and the guesses could be right or wrong. In any case, knowing the reason why won't really change the situation as it stands. He is acting as he is, and you are in the place you are trying to decide if you can or want to keep living with it.
You asked if divorcing with young children is "really that bad". To be honest, there's no set answer to that, either. Some couples with children divorce amicably, and are able to co-parent their children with little trouble. In other cases the spouse who does not want the divorce (or maybe they do, but have differing ideas about what the kids need from the other spouse) will fight tooth and nail for custody of them, and this ends up being a very stressful and financially draining process. The bad feelings between the two in that case can even continue long after the divorce is settled, and create strain for everyone involved.
Having outside support from family and friends makes any type of divorce much easier to go through. Being able to financially provide for your kids and yourself helps too. There are a lot of factors to consider in order to answer whether a situation is going to be easy or difficult, but really you won't know which side of the coin you would fall on until you get into the situation yourself.
I can't say whether or not your marriage is at the place of being unsalvageable. I don't know if there is hope for it or not. However, I do understand having a "loveless" relationship is agonizing, and no one wants to spend the rest of their life feeling unfulfilled and empty. Before you make any final decisions yourself, maybe it would help to sit down with a counselor and work out all the pros and cons of making the choice to stay and to leave, and defer your decision until you've clearly analyzed all factors. And of course, make istikhara to ensure you're following what Allah knows is best for you.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ASSLAMALAIKUM
THE CASE OF IGNORANCE FROM HUSBANDS SIDE IS VERY WRONG IN THIS MATTER HE MUST UNDERSTAND THERE ARE 2 LIVES INVOLVED AND HE CANT JUST TAKE DECISION FOR THE SAKE OF HIS MOOD OR IF HE BORED WITH THE WIFE AND SAYING SHE IS NOT PERFECT AS IF HE IS A PERFECT HUSBAND AND SHE HIS WIFE IS SOME DOOR MAT OR BROOK STCIK JUST THROW AWAY BECAUSE HE DOES NOT FIND HER TO BE A GOOD MOTHER=WHAT IS IS THIS HE IS ACTING AS IF HE HER GOD FATHER AND HE VIEWS HER ACTS OF A MOTHER NOT SATISFACTORY AND WANTS TO OUT THE SANE CHILDREN WHOM HE IS DEFENDING BY HARMING THE GOOD FABRIC OF FAMILY LIFE-'MAY BE THERE ARE SOME OTHER OUTSIDE REASONS OR SOME INFLUENCE FROM MOTHER OR SISTERS WHICH HE IS NOT REVEALING AND JUST ACTING IN THIS MANNER -
WE HAVE GET MORE INFORMATION ON THIS PERSON BACKGROUND TO COME TO CONCLSUSION
REGARDS
Search seven year itch on the Internet. Psychological studies have shown a decrease in marital quality measured by taking into account passion, satisfaction with the relationship, amount of shared activity, and agreement between the partners after about 7 years. The marriages start with a bang (with passion usually high), but after the "honeymoon effect" wears off they show a decrease in overall quality.
Go back and think about your life, how your life changed as you got married. You need to figure out ways to get closer. Even if you get divorced, you won't be able to get back the feeling you had when you were 16-20's.
Sexual intimacy can decline as time goes by. I don't think he is ignoring you by purpose. You are the same woman with who he fell in love. What is happening in your life has little to do with what you do.