Does Allah trully allow men to dispose of their wives by simply uttering the words I divorce you?
To give you a better understanding this is my situation. I married several years ago a man from another country who is muslim. We were separated for about six months in the beginning of our marriage because of immigration issues.
I never asked him to come to USA, I was planning to go to his country and be with him, but instead he went to the American Embassy told them he is married to an American, they gave him a visitor visa and he came here and refused to leave. When we got married he seemed such a nice guy, even shy. Once he came here I tried to be a good wife. I was the provider in the house, and came home cooked, cleaned and took care of him. I even learned to cook the traditional food from his country in order to make him happy.
Long story short, as soon as he arrived to USA he became morose, angry and very tempermental. He hardly ever touched me. He worked part time and no clue what he did with his money. All he wanted to do is hang out at the pool, gym, play volleyball and soccer. We hardly ever spent any time together so I requested that he spends some time with me. Every time I asked him it will turned into an argument and he will accuse me of being a jealous freak.
The day he found out I was pregnant he told me that he will not allow a child to change his life and left clubbing with one of his friends. The next day he left me two months pregnant and moved in with another woman. He claims she was just a friend. I heard rumors, but since I have no conclusive proof I am not going to duel on that issue.
Five weeks before the baby was born he came back and said he wanted to make it work. However nothing changed we still argued a lot. I am not saying I am a saint. Looking back I could have probably handled the situation differently, but I did not know any better. No matter what I did or said he turned around, he saw no wrong in himself.
When the baby was three months, one day I came home and he was gone. The next day he tried to sneak into the house thinking I was gone to work. He demanded I return the jewelery I received at the wedding. It was not a lot, I have lot more jewelery than that from my mother. On his way out to his vehicle without looking at me, he uttered the words I divorce three times, I am now a free man in the eyes of Allah and it was all done. Does marriage mean so little nowadays. I was disposed of like trash, I outlived my usefullness. I did not even know what I did so wrong.
All I ever asked of him was to spend some time home. We were not children, were not forced to marry, did not marry too young,we were both in our early thirties. We were married a little over an year when he left me the first time pregnant.
So he performed a religious divorce, and I cannot help but wonder, does Allah really allow this kind of behavior?
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Assalamu alaykum sister,
Allah is not pleased with such behavior.
If he made Allah a surety over your marriage and performed a marriage as per Islamic guidelines, he should have lived with you as a husband on Islamic guidelines as well.
What I see here in this guy is lack of commitment, love for the West and fun life it offers. He does not show any responsibility towards you and the kid, which is not right as well.
If he believes in Allah then he has to know it his duty to provide for his wife and for the child.
Men and women are equal in the sight of Allah when rewards and punishments are concerned and the Qur'an, Alhamdulilllaah, the Light sent by Allah, has revelations which are clear for all mankind:
1. O Prophet! When ye (men) put away women, put them away for their (legal) period and reckon the period, and keep your duty to Allah, your Lord. Expel them not from their houses nor let them go forth unless they commit open immorality. Such are the limits (imposed by) Allah; and whoso transgresseth Allah's limits, he verily wrongeth his soul.
Thou knowest not: it may be that Allah will afterward bring some new thing to pass.
2. Then, when they have reached their term, take them back in kindness or part from them in kindness, and call to witness two just men among you, and keep your testimony upright for Allah. Whoso believeth in Allah and the Last Day is exhorted to act thus. And whosoever keepeth his duty to Allah, Allah will appoint a way out for him,
3. And will provide for him from (a quarter) whence he hath no expectation. And whosoever putteth his trust in Allah, He will suffice him. Lo! Allah bringeth His command to pass. Allah hath set a measure for all things.
4. And for such of your women as despair of menstruation, if ye doubt, their period (of waiting) shall be three months along with those who have it not. And for those with child, their period shall be till they bring forth their burden. And whosoever keepeth his duty to Allah, He maketh his course easy for him.
5. That is the commandment of Allah which He revealeth unto you. And whoso keepeth his duty to Allah, He will remit from him his evil deeds and magnify reward for him.
6. Lodge them where ye dwell, according to your wealth, and harass them not so as to straiten life for them. And if they are with child, then spend for them till they bring forth their burden. Then, if they give suck for you, give them their due payment and consult together in kindness; but if ye make difficulties for one another, then let some other woman give suck for him (the father of the child).
7. Let him who hath abundance spend of his abundance, and he whose provision is measured, let him spend of that which Allah hath given him. Allah asketh naught of any soul save that which He hath given it. Allah will vouchsafe, after hardship, ease.
8. And how many a community revolted against the ordinance of its Lord and His messenger, and we called it to a stern account and punished it with dire punishment,
9. So that it tasted the ill effects of its conduct, and the consequence of its conduct was loss. - Surah Talaaq.
Also Allah explains to us peace is better, but if not achieved, separation is an open option:
128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing. - Surah An Nisaa.
227. And if they decide upon divorce (let them remember that) Allah is Nearer, Knower.
228. Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire a reconciliation. And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise. - Surah Al Baqarah.
230. And if he hath divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she hath wedded another husband. Then if he (the other husband) divorce her it is no sin for both of them that they come together again if they consider that they are able to observe the limits of Allah. These are the limits of Allah. He manifesteth them for people who have knowledge.
231. When ye have divorced women, and they have reached their term, then retain them in kindness or release them in kindness. Retain them not to their hurt so that ye transgress (the limits). He who doeth that hath wronged his soul. Make not the revelations of Allah a laughing stock (by your behaviour), but remember Allah's grace upon you and that which He hath revealed unto you of the Scripture and of wisdom, whereby He doth exhort you. Observe your duty to Allah and know that Allah is Aware of all things. - Surah Al Baqarah
Also, such divorce of 3 times at once is not the way prescribed by Allah. This is not at all an Islamic principle and he has to divorce you in a proper Islamic way, if he believes in Allah or fears Allah.
Giving 3 divorce at once breaks the whole wisdom behind the Islamic way of divorce in the Qur'an.
The only one to be blamed here is your husband and not Allah, Allah is altogether independent of His slaves.
Hope this helps.
Salaam,
Your brother.
As salamu alaykum, sister Egypt,
I am sorry you have to go through so much struggle, specially with a baby. When someone acts like your husband did from the beginning, lying and making his way despite your opinion, doesn´t sound too good to me, and you even took care of him, like he was your baby, sister you need to learn from this lesson, not to repeat it again, insha´Allah.
When a marriage fails is not a question of blaming one or the other, or feeling guilty about it; we have to focus on facts and we have to see the situation from outside, learn the message and move on, insha´Allah.
Being eyes open, you should had questioned your husband about what he expected from married life, your case is not so rare, many men don´t like children, some women neither, then even when for people like you, me and I believe the majority of us is so obvious that marriage life will include having babies and that fill us with joy, not everyone is the same, we shouldn´t take anything for guarantee.
Related to the divorce, I would advice you to go to your Iman and ask him for the proper way of divorce and to make it legal if that is what you want, this way you will have your rights and your baby´s rights ruled by the law, insha´Allah.
Not everybody is the same, sometimes we don´t want to see the obvious or we just don´t see it, now you are eyes wide open, try to solve all this situation in the best way for all of you, insha´Allah, always with Allah(swt) help and guidance, insha´Allah. And give yourself the opportunity to believe that there are good people out there that can be trusted, Alhamdulillah.
Try to be in contact with your family to help you with your baby and with all these struggles, with family´s support your wounds will heal faster, insha´Allah, and your baby will flourish having lots of love around, insha´Allah.
Forgive yourself and forgive him, ask Allah(swt) to guide you every step and to help you to heal, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor