I have married a girl to keep my parents happy but I still love my ex girlfriend.
Salaam all,
I have been with a girl for 1 and a half years and we fell in love and wanted to get married to each other. After being together for nearly a year, our families met up and it was decided that we would get married. So we got engaged over a year ago now and was supposed to get married about 4 months later but then my girlfriend at the time said she wants to get married in April the following year due to her starting a new job; it was agreed by both families that we would get married in April. But in between all this time, we have had many ups and downs but we always make up sooner or later. And also families had arguements and stopped talking at one point and the marriage was called off, but still me and my ex wanted to get married and everyone knew that. So, it was left at that, and this kept dragging on with the families not talking but both families knew we wanted to still get married to each other.
The following year, around February me and my ex had another arguement; she got annoyed with me and said its over but she didn't mean it from the heart. I took it seriously and thought I can't be bothered anymore with her. On the other hand my mother was always pressurising me to get married and kept saying that your younger brothers need to get married and they can't until you get married. So because of all this pressure I decided to look for someone else to marry. And I found someone else who was looking to get married, and we saw each others photos and then we spoke over the phone, and we got on really well. We spoke for about 1 week and decided we wanted to get married; we told our parents about it and they spoke to each other.
At this time it has also been 1 week since me and my ex haven't spoken and I really thought it was over. My ex rang me after a week of not talking to her and told me she has spoken to her family and sorted everything out, her family have now agreed for us to get married and want to sort things out. I told my ex at that point that I have moved on now and I am getting married to someone else. When she heard this she started crying and begged me not to leave her and I kept telling her its too late now you had your chances, I have said YES to someone else, not realising that I still love my ex more than anything.
So after about 3 weeks the engagement date and wedding date was already arranged, and me and my ex hadn't been talking all that time. Then about 2 or 3 weeks before the engagement I realised what I was doing and I thought to myself what am I doing? I love my ex and I am marrying another girl thats not right. So I quickly told my parents that I want to call this wedding off and I want to marry my ex. But my parents weren't having this, they kept saying no its too late now, we've told people about this wedding and how will we face other people if this is now called off? My parents were thinking about their reputation more than anything else. And I told them forget what anyone else thinks, this is my whole life, I can't be married to someone else while I love another person. I was arguing with my parents for days but they weren't having it, my family also told me think about that girl and her family, they would be heart broken if we called this off now. They made me feel guilty, and I was being pressurised into getting married to this girl; I no longer wanted to marry.
I decided what I wanted I spoke to my ex about it and she said just call the girl up and tell her that you don't want to go ahead with this marriage as you love someone else. But me being so weak and being made feel guilty and pressurised by my family, didn't have the courage or strenghth to call her up and tell her the situation. My dad even said to me if you want to marry your ex then you have to get out of the house. And I was thinking where will I go if I leave home? I have got no where to stay. So, I was scared and made to feel guilty, so after several days of arguing and trying to make my parents understand but they never cared, I just gave up and thought I will just get married to this girl and make things work, knowingly that I still love my ex.
So, I got married; me and my ex lost contact, it had been about 5 months now but before we stopped talking we were really close and we were both really upset that we were losing each other, it was so hard for us both. After I got married I was trying to make it work, and me and my wife were getting along fine for about 2 weeks and after that it hit me, and I thought about my ex and I couldn't help myself from thinking about her. I kept thinking what have I done? How could I leave the girl I loved so much and marry someone I don't have no feelings for? Then for a whole month I was feeling really down and depressed, I wasn't talking to my wife or my family properly.
I told my parents quite a few times within that time that I am not happy in this marriage, I can't do this anymore. But instead they started arguing with me, so I gave up speaking to them about it. Soon afterwards I really couldn't help it, so I got in contact with my ex again and we spoke, and she told me how hard it was trying to forget me, she went through a lot. But still she cared so much about me. I told her my situation and she felt really bad. And she still would marry me if I got divorced, because she still loved me just as much as always.
I spoke to my older brother and sister and they told me to give it more time and see how it goes, but I kept telling them I have tried and I can't do it, I have no feelings at all for my wife, my heart is with my ex. But they insisted I still keep trying. So I kept trying to make it work, but I still couldn't get close to my wife and I felt bad that she is not getting any love from me like how she should. And I thought to myself this is not fair on her, but I couldn't help it that I had strong eelings for my ex and no feelings for her. Everyone in my family has noticed that I am not happy and that I am suffereing but no one seems to care. I just feel like running away from all this and ending the whole thing.
What I want to know now is would it be sinful if I was to divorce my wife? Islamically would it be ok to divorce my wife as I can't force myself to get close to my wife and give her any love? I have tried to make it work but its just not happening because i love my ex to bits. I wanted to pull out of this wedding before the engagement but my family pressurised me and made me feel guilty and got me to agree and get married to my wife. Because I was scared I didn't have the courage to stand up for myself and tell my wife that I didn't want this marriage. I have only married my wife for my family's happiness but not for myself. So could this be classed as forced marriage?
Please help.
brother-in-need.
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Dear Br in Need
Classifying situations and relationships does not help the issue at hand. You are an adult and were indecisive and weak and you are trying to find fault with your parents for forcing you. What purpose would it serve to classify your marriage as forced or not? You have to figure out what to do next - what if you did divorce the REAL innocent person who is suffering in this trio of you-your girlfriend-wife is your wife, not you. She was dragged into this by YOU, bec you atleast liked her well enough to consider marrying her and that too within barely several weeks. Now, to bail out would be hurting her the most. True, we don't have to be forced to marry someone, but yours was not forced -you got yourself in this situation and sometimes the rights of others over you have to take precedence over your own desires. Stop trying to blame others when you should have stood up. If I were you, I would try my best to concentrate on building a wonderful relationship with your wife. It seems like if you and your ex already were fighting so much before marriage, you must be more infatuated than truly in love - as Tina Turner sang: What is love? but a 2nd hand emotion!
p.s: people love what they cannot have - at this time you are in that situation. Allah allows divorce but is displeased with it.
Wasalam brother-in-need,
Brother, I think you should move on. Past is past and you know; your wife didn't have to do with the situation you are in right now. She is innocent in all this; she deserves better. You said that everyone in the family knows about your situation so, my guess is that your wife does too. Put yourself in her shoes and see how you will feel if she had a boyfriend and didn't want to marry you but did so to please her parents. Besides, you were not forced at all; we all have to make choices. Your sacrificed your future for the happiness of your parents. Now, you should concentrate on your relationship with your wife and love her like you loved your ex (which was haram in the first place). Believe me, being single man looking for wife in late 20s; I can tell you that their are not many sisters who will marry someone who is not independent and lives with his parents (even though I am earning a decent amount Alhamdullilah can support a family). Had you been working, earning a decent money, you would have better chances to marry by your choice. Now, you should repent for whatever kind of relationship you had with that girl before and ask Allah (swt) to put love in your heart toward your wife.
You said that you tried but couldn't love her but you couldn't; have you thought what's the reason? The reason is that you have not cut off ties with your ex which is not only causing you problem in your marriage but is also haram. You weren't then and aren't now mahram to that girl because she is not your relative or wife; so repent and ask for Allah's forgiveness so that you can heal and cherish your wife. Look bro, if it was some other women she would have made your life difficult (which she had every right to because now you are married to her); may be she is giving you time to move on understanding that it's not easy. This is a favor on your from her; go to her and explain her everything if she doesn't already know and ask for forgiveness if you have hurt her feelings (if she knows and you have been ignoring her in the past). I have seen some women in my life who help their husbands move on after knowing their problems especially past relationship. You don't need to give all the details of what kind of relationship you had but just that she knows that you are trying to move on and it will take some time. She may be able to help you in any way Insha Allah.
Remember, we don't get many chances and if you hurt anyone in your life (in this case if you divorce your wife even when she is innocent) then it will haunt you and come back to you one day. Please take my advice seriously because until you cut all the contacts with this girl and live on the hope that one day you will marry her, you will never start to love your wife and see her as a wife to treasure her for the person she is. I have seen men and women who have ruined their relationships for someone else later to regret in their life and were left to mourn their whole life. Give your marriage some time; you have only been married for few months, sometimes it takes time for couples to settle down properly after getting to know each other's personalities, behaviour , likes/dislikes, mood etc etc. I don't want you to make a decision which you later regret; just think how many fights you and your ex had when you weren't married and living under one roof, sharing things, waking up next to each other etc etc. What Allah (swt) does is for the greater good of his servants; it's just human mind which can't comprehend and gets too emotional and attached.
I hope this helps you; please write back and consider your situation logically not emotionally.
May Allah (swt) help you to move on, make the right decision, put love in your heart for you wife and bless you and your wife with a happy and prosperous life where you both love, cherish, care and respect each other and live happily ever after. (Amin).
Wasalam,
Muhammad1982:)
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Agree with mohammad... Great
brother in deed
What a mess.
Your wife is the innocent one in this marriage and far as you ex is considered you was the one who said goodbye to her and then you blame this all on your parents.
I am sorry you asked your parents for help to find a wife, you got married and how can you not love her when allah blessed you a good sincere wife. Your ex is the past, your wife is your future now and has Islamic rights. You have to make this marriage work you chose this path not your parents. Love comes in time your future is with your wife and i think give this time and work hard to make it work. Your problem is that you are the one making this marriage difficult by contacting your ex and due to this you are letting your emotions get the better of you. You are allowing yourself to become weak, and ungrateful without seeing good in front of you. Allah does not like people who are displeasing to him and my strong advise to you cut all contact with your ex and learn to love your wife, cherish and respect each others as there are other muslims who would love to have a loyal wife or husband in your shoes. May allah show you a path to encourage you to save this marriage then later regret making a mistake.
I'm surprised at the number of similar cases on this site. People need to realize that taking responsibility for your actions is "necessary" to be called an adult. To the young man in question, you are playing havoc with two women at the same time, please put yourself in their shoes before acting further.
Have you tried even talking and getting to know your wife? Marriage is hard work even for those who desired it in the first place and each person is unique. You need to remember that your wife is a different person from your ex and respect that. Counseling is another option that may help you both deal with the situation better if you are willing to try it.
If all else fails, remember you need to think of your life and their lives too and if you are miserable your wife is probably miserable too. If you cannot make her happy, pray let her go and maybe she will find a man who will love and respect her and give her what she deserves. People like you should not be allowed to marry as you have no empathy for another human being's feelings and their emotions.
Dear brother,
There is nothing wrong in Making mistakes and rectifying them, if you dont mess some oneelse life in the process. Now, your situation is different, you will hurt innocent girl in fullfilling your desires. Shetan has a habbit of making people to want more and more. HE will not let you live in peace or feel satisfied with your choice/desicion. As a muslim you should press your nafs not all what your nafs desires you should run to fullfill it.
Your Ex attracts you now because she is not in your reach. You are married to someone else now. Before you got married to your wife, it was the same. she did attract you, thats why you married her, it was not a problem which needed to be solved urgently. Do you know why ? again because she was not in your reach meaning she was not married to you.
Though, after marring her, it become a problem because she is with you now, and you have accomplished what you wanted. What next ??? You get bored because of sheitan and start to think of old days because of sheitan. Because your Ex is out of your reach at the moment, now are mentally imagining how life will be with her. Again these are shetanic thoughts.
Rememeber brother you might get married to your EX and not liking the life with her, and might regret for leaving your wife. The reason your relationship with your Ex was exciting at the time, is because it was haraam and a distance one. Sheitan always pull human being to do haraam, therefore will spice the haram relationship, so that you dont leave it. It could be for this reason, it is forbidden to have realtionship before marriege, because you dont have haraam reference to compare it with.
Marriege life is wonderful, get to know your wife, put all the thoughts of your ex to one side, you might be suprised. If things still doesnt work out, May be you can do istikhara... allahu a3lam
May allah guide you and show you a right path.
I really dont mean to be harsh but I feel so angry with men like you. Why did you leave your ex in the first place if you 'loved' her so much! And now that your married, you want her back - that is so selfish, you have no respect for your wife and clearly dont care about her feelings.
brother/sister, you have to understand that there are certain cultures where the person is destined to marry his relatives.
such as in the indian subcontinent culture, a person may well be cursed/disowned by his/her parents if they dont marry from the same family, dont know why, but thats just the way it is.
i think you should try to understand the culture of the people and take it into context with their situation.
so i dont blame this brother for marrying that woman in order to make his parents happy.
to brother in need, i would say just enjoy what you have at home, your ex was first and fore most haraam for you and a big source of great sin, and she is where she is supposed to be, in the past.
it does not matter if you "love" your current wife or not, not all relationships are built upon love,
True, but cousin marriage is a cultural habit that should be broken. It's okay if it's practiced occasionally, but when it's practiced constantly and in serial generations, it becomes extremely unhealthy and leads to birth defects in the children.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
He hasnt mentioned marrying a cousin but thats besides the point. He made a hasty decision to move on, and leave his ex despite her begging crying etc...and now that he is married he wants her back. It would be understandable if he had not got married, he is now betraying his wife and making her life miserable and in a way preventing his ex from moving on. I dont know I could be wrong, but I have no sympathy for him.
Salam
I want to answer the man who said that we should understand some culture like indian etc... This is non sense brother , you said that he will be cursed if he didn't marry the person they choose for him? Is there ayah that says this??!! Also u said they are destined, its Allah who decide not the parents, we don't control destiny. And for me I don't respect this kinda culture at all (if they are not muslims I donmt care) but it irritates me when muslim people practice this non sense because its against islam. Allah said thr is no difference between a white or black or ... Ila bitakwa, so he mentioned just the religion that should be considered. But in indian culture and other culture they refuse the person for his culture or his nationality or ethnicity or whhatever stupid reason. If the guy is muslim and girl is muslim there should be no problem whether she is from his culture or country or not !!!
Dear Ms. Muslim Girl,
Actually, I read your message, that indian muslims are not accepting any other nationality or religion. That's true, because i am currently in the situation wherein my boyfriend will be engaged or might get married this month. It's so hard that i love him so much, but his parents doesn't like me at all, he did not even fight for me, cause he doesnt want to hurt his parents. it's so hard, i am now questioning my slefd does he really love me, why he can easily let me go. but one part of me wants to understand that he is doing that for his family.
It kills me thinking that he will hug somebody else that he will take care someone the same way he did to me before. God knows how much i love him and how much i respect his parents but they did not allow me to be part of their family.
I am dying now, i don't know how to stand, i don't know where to run, especially i am alone now, far away from may family, far away from the guys i love and considered my best friend.
Please pray for me to surpass this. I dont know what to do now, he will come back soon, i will see him everyday because of work but when he comes back we are totally stranger now...
I never imagined that my price charming will give up on me easily without even trying to convince his parents to me. He told me he did to his mom but not to his dad as he is really afraid on him.
I love him so much, i am now offering all the pain to God to help me to carry it as i cant sleep now for 1 week. i keep on crying. i'm so scared. i'm so scared he will be gone now totally to my life.
I am in similar situation,its not even 2 months i have married, everyday i am quarrelling, everyday we fight each,i tried to forget my past and move on, but my problem is not solved if i forget my past a new problem starts from here, because i hate the woman i married (my mom forced me into this marriage threatening for her own life), she is not even close to my type. this increases my problem, i tried to discuss this with my wife,and no wonder i gave her new topic to fight with me. so i have stopped speaking to her and my family.
i am thinking to divorce her and convince that girl(ex) to marry me. i have discussed this with many people, everyone talks about the innocent wife, but nobody answered what if i could never like her, what if we break after long time, everybody said give sometime you will be fine, but nothing has helped till now. And situation is getting worse day by day.
Is there any hadith where anybody consulted our Prophet (PBUH), saying he was forced into marriage, what to do while he do not likes the woman? i am running out of patience. plz help
Fairoz bro!!
you didn let us knw.. wht have u decided...
hope u r happily living a married life with ur same wife. 🙂
Salam alikoum,
How can people sit there and make assumptions about other peoples lives?
It seems there is a high chance of fitna occuring as you have tried contacting your ex once before already.
I would advise you to consult an Imam/Shaykh in your region and seek advice.
P.S. To those who are badgering the poor guy about what he has done, yes the wife is innocent in all of this but this could be one of the many tests in her life for her aswell.
Allah (swt) knows best.
Wa'alikoum Salam
ItsSoReem
Very true.. The wife will suffer more if he cudnt make his mind. This can be a test to her too. I feel sorry about him.parents should havevthought more. Only a person who is in that situation can understand. This is about his lifevtoo not only her.
As Brother - In - Need
I fully sympathise with you, your wife and your ex-gf, its easy to sit here and preach to this brother but life is not black and white and you cannot truly judge a situation until you have walked in the other person's shoes.
Brother may I ask if you have been intimate with your wife? Do you have a proper relationship putting aside your ex issues?
You know what, I exactly know what you're talking about, but I am at the receiving end!!! No, not the 'innocent wife' everyone's talking about and feeling for, but the EX who unconditionally and selflessly loved a man for 5 long years, cared for him in his sickness, stood by him endlessly through all of his struggles ONLY to see him leave and marry another girl, because his family pressured him to.
1. Why don't these families, on the very onset of a relationship, STOP or PRESSURISE their son / daughter into avoiding such relationships, if they know they're never going to allow it?
2. Why can't men, courageous enough to fall in love, be equally brave in standing up against their family, when they're pressurised or rather emotionally blackmailed into marrying someone they prefer???
3. Why is it, that everyone feels for the 'Innocent' wife, and not for the 'Innocent' woman who loved this man unconditionally only to be left behind sick and hurt and betrayed? The wife may even gain something out of her relationship with the man, financial, emotional, social security. But what about the woman, who was selfless and sincere in her affection, and was with the man, out of affection and not for any kind of gains???
4. In fact, why can't people even understand, that even the 'wife' was put into a marriage with the man, she never knew or never had any affection for. That it would be the same for her if she's married to X, Y or Z. Whereas for the woman, who had sacrificed the best years of her life for the man she loved, struggled with the man she loved, stood by him through all his difficulties, THIS MAN MEANT THE WORLD!!!
5. Wonder why people don't understand, it's never a great situation, when people are forced into living together!!! In fact, that is where people stray. The good and strong ones won't, but then they will be miserable! In that case, they will also do injustice to a LOT OF PEOPLE... not only the WIFE, but also, the WOMAN HE LOVES, his FAMILY and also himself!
In fact, wonder why parents have to force their children into just about anything, that they think is FEASIBLE or PRACTICAL!
Truly unfortunate... this entire situation is... of course, Bro - in - need should have avoided leaving his EX and marrying another woman.... but now that it has happened, and now that we know, that no one's going to be happy, instead of encouraging, a false marriage, he should get out of it. Not only for him to go back to the woman he feels complete with, but also to let his 'WIFE' feel complete with another person, she really deserves!!! I believe, God respects sincere and honest affection!!!
By depriving, two women of their TRUE love, you're only creating more misery and perhaps, a potential disaster! Just be brave, and confess it to your wife and everyone involved, that yes, you have made a mistake, and you wish to rectify it! You have experienced your bit of true affection, and now let your 'Wife' find hers! Who knows, perhaps, even she was emotionally blackmailed into this, like you were! And if that's the situation, then it would be best for the two of you to part ways, but if not, and if she insists, she is not willing to, then you will have to consider what her take on the situation is! If she's an understanding woman, and is not happy in this situation, she may well dissolve the marriage herself, and if not, then it's a right you have given to her, no matter, under what circumstances!
And to people here, please be little considerate towards the 'innocent' woman as well, who got nothing in return of all her selfless affection, not even love! Let's respect people, they are all creations of God, and God loves people who are selfless and sincere in their affection. May God bless the WOMAN WHO LOVED YOU, with strength, and immense affection. May God heal her wounds. May God blesses US all with unconditional affection. AMEN.
WELTSCHMERZ
Wow. I completely 100% agree with your thought process and your thoughts. It's unfortunate nobody sees how hard it must have been on the woman he was with "the ex" in this situation. Everyone just sees the poor "innocent" wife. I have a very similar situation, where I am the "ex" and the love of my life married someone else due to emotionally abusive parents, who want their kids to marry their first cousins. I understand the pain that my ex is going through right now being married to someone he does not want to be married to. He is unhappy and disgusted by his parents and his own actions, for causing hurt to a woman who stood by his side and asked for nothing. Thank you for speaking up and saying exactly word for word what was on my mind. I truly appreciate you and your sincerity. He is now actively pursuing a divorce, he wants to be happy and realized his mistake and is working to make things right in his life again. Everyone deserves a second chance! Nobody is perfect and we are nobody to judge others, when we haven't spent one day in their shoes.
The hurt that was caused upon the "ex" nobody cares about, because they didn't have an Islamic marriage. Imagine her hurt and her pain. What she must have went through because of his marriage, how it must have broke her and made her go through Severe depression. I was that girl, I've been there. Everybody only seems to care about the "innocent wife." Nobody sees how many years and effort it went for the other girl in this relationship. Lord have mercy on us all.
I finally found someone who understand the situation of the "ex" some of my indian friends told me that i am selfish for praying that hopefully the miracle will happen and he become brave to talk and fight for me. They told me i'm selfish without thinking about the girl and the family of the girl. They told me that i should not wish for that as i am crashing someone else's life which is the girl. I was so hurt, why i become selfish? how about me? am i not crashing into pieces? i am destroyed, physically, emotionally i am totally destroyed. But no one in them understand what's the feeling being left behind.
They dont know how i cried at night just to be look okay in the morning. They dont know how many hours i stay in the wash room in the office just to cry everytime they are talking about his marriage.
I am lost, i am in darkness, i don't know how to stand again, i'm totally bleeding but no one cares. They tell me i will be okay, but how ? how?
Please somebody tell me how to remove this pain. I want to be happy for him, but thinking that he will forget me once he got married that really scared me the most. He call me just to say sorry and asking for my blessings to his decision, i cant do anything. He even told me he loves me but he cant hurt his parents.
I want to understand, i want to but, why it's really hard for me to accept, why it is easy for him to decide like that, why it's easy for him to let me go.
Salaams,
No offense, but the pain you are describing and going through was brought on by the poor choices you made. You, as a muslimah, were forbidden from having a boyfriend or engaging in a premarital relationship with a non mahram, but you did so anyway. These are the natural consequences of such sins, and exactly why such relationships are forbidden. I'm not trying to be hurtful in being blunt, but the only one to blame for the pain you are going through is yourself.
If you sincerely want to move past this place, make sincere tawbah for the wrongs you have done in having a relationship with this boy to begin with. Then, cease all contact with him. If he is getting married, there's no need for him to call you for a 'blessing'. Take control of the situation by moving on with your own life, instead of focusing on how he is moving on with his.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi Amy,
Thank you for your comment i respect your opinion, however i am not a muslim that's why his parents diesnt like me...
i just need to hold on to God to Surpass this.
Again, thank you 🙂
Meana, how are you doing now? I am in a similar situation my ex was forced to marry his cousin less than 1 year of us being apart due to him finishing his studies and he still loves me. I feel dead inside when I think about it all and I know he does too. We were together for 6 years I can't imagine not seeing my life with him. We still talk but I just want to see my future and happiness with him.
Dear Weltschmerz..
I'm in the EXACT EXACT same situation as you were.. 5 years...complete love devotion etc . n now he's gotten engaged...
Anyway.. I need to be proactive about it.. how did you cope and how are you now? I have to know what to expect in the next couple of months so I don't aimlessly suffer what each day brings for me. If I know what to expect from your experience I will be able to handle myself better... I'm sorry if I sound selfish but you will be in my prayers always for the support and guidance you offer. You seem to be the best person to ask.. may God bless you..
LOVE EACH AND EVERY WORD U SAID
I TOTALLY AGREE.
Excellent answer given by Weltschmerz, I completly agree with him/her.
Weltschmerz... I really like your answer. It felt like God speaking in real for the happiness of all three victims of the situation. Human beings learn through mistakes and God will make them suffer unless they realize the mistakes and rectify them. Only few people in this world are blessed with true love and every human must learn to respect this wonderful creation of God. Marriage is created by humans and the only purpose of marriage is to create control over the feelings of two human beings, so that they are only devoted towards each other. All the other things can be achieved without marriage. If either one of them cannot commit to the devotion, then the meaning of marriage is dissolved. Here the husband could never be devoted from the heart towards his wife, so why make her live her whole life in falsehood ? If you free her, God will be proud of you. If you give all the rights to the woman who loves you unconditionally, God will grant you happiness. Besides, what about your happiness ? You only get one life. Just because you made one big mistake in the past does not mean, you punish yourself for a lifetime. Maybe you will love your wife in the future if you force yourself but believe me, you will still be a criminal to your ex. Their is no loop hole to this. Her tears will curse you for a lifetime. True lovers can definitely be separated physically, but they cannot be separated from the hearts.That way life becomes more miserable. It seems most of the people who gave your answers have never been in love. If you are really confused, I'd suggest to divorce your wife and not connect with your ex either for sometime. Do not tell your wife that you want to divorce her because you love someone else. Just tell her some other reasons. Marry with your ex after atleast a year from that. That way you would save your wife from being hurt. Please don't turn away from that girl who loved you forever.. Believe me.. True love has intense powers. It is the most beautiful gift that God can give. When you don't respect that gift, it can ruin you to death. The wife is innocent, so you must free her ! Your ex is innocent too.. So you must save her.
Nayara,
The institution of marriage was not created by humans. Its is an institution established through Divine Law - the Law of our Creator Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
my dear brother pray from your heart... and surely u will find a solution In Shaa Allah
My dear brother of Islam, i definately know how you feel thats why islam tells you to be cautious of falling in love before marriage i was in a similar situation. where i was in love with a guy whom his parents wants to marry someone of their choice when i heard i was absolutely shattered and i cried very much. i never believe in forced marriage i believe in arranged marriages if you agree to that term but not forced them, to marry is something you have to willingly commit to, but i never fought for him i only cried i never told him to give her up to be with him and all now it hurts and i feel heartless at times no emotion i don't even speak to him on my own anymore i just reached that stage,still miss him and always thought we would've been perfect together and i know now through out my life i will never be entirely happy cuz i didn't get the person i felt closes to, but still islam says if u love a person or u feel attracted to someone marry them so u don't commit zina don't marry someone you are unhappy with and for everyone whos saying about your poor wife she needs love and affection and so do u and if you cant give that to her then let someone else do it and for the person you felt close to marry her. but best advice is to do salaatul isthikara seek guidance from Allah when you do salaatul isthikara you will feel warm at heart because only Allahs answer can guide you.
Salaam 2 all brothers and sisters
i have an important question
"messed up boy", please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
If you are not a Muslim, your life would be toxic with his parents.. Parents are biggest obstacles... Then you two have to live separately...
Weltschmerz
Have some heart. I respect your feelings but consider being in her place. If the EX can feel so much pain (when she has got no legal relationship) how much painful would it be if that EX was married to the guy and the guy had left for some other EX_EX?? obviously much more painful then because then you would have a legal right over your husband. That's exactly the case with this bro. First of all he was too hasty. One week time is absolutely nothing for making such decisions. Nobody was killing him if he had thought for a couple of months even. He should not have left her Ex just because of one little fight. Just in seven days he found a new girl, saw her photos, liked her and talked to her over telephone>? doesn't this show that you didn't really love your Ex- if you had really loved your Ex, then you could not have possibly moved on in just seen days and found a new girl, talked to her and even decide to marry her. That was your biggest mistake.
Then when you decided to moved on, you tried to get involved with a new girl. She started having expectations from you. You told your parents yourself that you two want to get married. The families were involved later. Then when everything was ready, you put your families' reputation on stake. Even if you had stopped at that point, it might not have been that wrong as it will be now. Remember two wrongs never make a right. and believe me even if you ignore the feelings of your innocent wife, (and send her to hell) you can never be happy again. It is life. if you do injustice to your wife, you will never be able to live a happy life with your Ex- you will fight with your Ex even more..you will have a feeling that you left your family, you destroyed your wife's life, you ruined your wife's family, and all relations just for your EX..then naturally your expectations would be very high from your Ex. when you didn't have these expectations before, you fought with her so often and left her in just one week..imagine how many more fights will you have when you have all these expectations now? and to sum if up..try being in your parent's shoes. think if your child does the same thing to you, how will you think. one can never be happy when one's parents and family are not with him..your EX has no fault...( except for a haram relationship with u)..your wife has absolutely no fault..your parents have no fault...it's not your fault even as you were pressurized and emotionally blackmailed..it's just fate...Indeed marriages are created in heavens and celebrated on earth...live with it..be happy and make your wife happy..if you think you can just divorce her and that would be the end of it, you are highly mistaken..you will be haunted all your life..
No offence to your comments, but who are you to say this man will be haunted for the rest of his life? I know many people who are happy after they got out of an unfortunate situation. Please be respectful for what he has gone through and do not put in your opinions where they are not asked for. It is true he should not have married the other girl within one week, but you really do not realize how "real" the pressure is from parents to get married. Not only that this young gentleman should be allowed to be happy, forcing yourself to be with someone is also against Islamic law. Forced marriages are not allowed. You cannot say that he will never be happy, you are not God, therefore you cannot tell somebody that. Shame on you!
Salam brothers and sisters... I'm in the same situation but over the ex... And still married to someone I don't Love like or am attracted to and it's been 3 years. Think your situation through carefully with your heart and mind. And keep Allah and yourself in mind because things won't change unless you change them... Either changing by divorce or changing by learning to love and care for your wife.. My wife and I are 2 totally different ppl with different likes and different views. I prayed I tried and I'm sure this is a huge test from Allah and I am thankful for it because I found who I am even tho I am still in this horrible situation... People's culture as much as they hate it and how wrong it is have a huge part in there marriage... But in islam is shouldn't it should be between the two ppl and Allah SWT... Would he be pleased if you were married to someone you didn't like who you said yes to just to please your family ???? I'm not a scholar but I don't think he would. Or would be be please if you were with someone you loves and care about and have a healthy relationship while following islam? It's a tough situation I know how you feel brother and I hope Allah SWT Eases your pain your exes and your wife's pain... Thoroughly think the situation through on what's best for you in this life to lead to paradise in the next.. There's no reason someone shouldn't be happy in there marriage.. I wish all three of you the best and I don't mean to sound selfish but say a prayer for me also... Salam
You will ruin the girl's life (your wife). You will re marry but what will your wife do? Do you know how hard it is for divorced girls to re marry? You are married to your wife now. Make the relationship work and forget your ex. I think that you don't want the marriage with your wife to work. You just want a way out. Try hard to make it work. I feel so sorry for your wife..what did the poor girl do to deserve this
What’s worse? Staying with a girl you don’t love because she’s ‘innocent’ in all of this? Or staying with her because you’re scared you’re going to hurt her?
God gave YOU life to live, not to live for other people (eg. Your family)
Although I understand it’s hard to go against family decisions if they truly love you, they will eventually forgive you and come around. If they don’t come around they don’t have YOUR best interests at heart.
In this current scenario all 3 of you are living a lie, by getting back with the love of your life at least your soulmate.
I know you posted this a few years ago, I would love to know the decision you made as I'm going through something similar myself
In the end happiness is what that matters.....n you cant love ur wife neither are you making her or yourself happy...so whats the useof staying in a bondage n compromise ....get divorced...be free...be happy...ur wife will find someone who can love her