Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have filed for divorce with my abusive wife but now I miss her

pain heart ache


I am a 36 years old man. My wife is 29. We are both immigrant Muslims living in North America. I got my immigration through marriage. My wife is more religious than me. She wears a hijab whereas I pray my salat  rather infrequently, usually on Fridays, but I don't otherwise sin (no alcohol or gambling etc).

We have been cursed in that my wife has extreme jealousy. She has an extremely controlling nature. She can also be very abusive physically. She doesn't let me be in touch with anybody and has tried very hard to completely isolate me from any friends or family. It became difficult for me to survive or function properly, because I have a professional job and I am the main bread winner for us and have to have some degree of interaction with my colleagues after hours, at times.

I lost all my friends and it became increasingly difficult to keep in touch with my siblings. My parents both died a few years ago. I could not even talk to my only real younger sister on phone and used to call her from my work land line because I was afraid of my wife. Please understand that she didn't have problem with any one specific person, she would just not let me have any human interaction.

Due to my wife's violence, I got injured once and she got in trouble with the law. That still did not stop her. Hitting was not even the worst part. The worst part was living in fear all day, day after day being cut off from everybody. She has also been assertive otherwise up to an extent to tell me what kind of clothes I could wear. Our marriage suffered a lot. She spat in my face once. I used to protest from time to time and acted "rebellious" in her words.

Our relationship got reduced to just being mostly roommates. She was also very unhappy because we had just become stuck in a situation and were not moving forward. We did not have any real or big issues like finances, sexual health, infidelity or family interference from my folks (I hardly have any family left). She tried very hard to make things right but did not understand what she was doing wrong.

She grew up in a family where her mother used to abuse and control her father. I strongly think that the control and physical violence in her nature comes from her mother (either genetically or as a learned behavior). I wanted to escape from this marriage. I told her parents everything and informed them that I was going to leave if things don't change.

I also informed them that I was not going to have a child or buy a house with her unless things changed. More than one year later, I was still facing the same problems. I left and filed for a divorce. The physical abuse lasted about four years. Now I miss her and pray to Allah to make things right between us. I don't want a divorce and still love her. She will not get professional help, because she doesn't have an insight about the nature or extent of her problem and because her family is not very educated and there is stigma attached to it.

Please make dua for me and advise me. I know that she loves me but if I go back, I would suffocate. I am afraid to have children with her or to just be with her. May Allah help me.

~ sinnermuslim

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11 Responses »

  1. Salam sorry to hear this I really thought it was only men but from gearing your story I am hurt Allah is with u but I think u should not go throught with it again nobody should go throught violent relationship I know u love her but I wil tel u one thing a person who is abusive ect they wil never change bec I hve been through it for 10 years only if she wants to change if she loves u don't be hard on your self u hvet done anyt wrong h just hve loved her and this is the way she repayed u for ur love I say don't go bck life to short ...

    • Hukraj Khan no matter what situation you face your never alone there are many people out there who face it at the same time with us but we know less of this.

      For both Hukhraj and Sinnermuslim I am really sorry to hear about this I know it must be hard dealing with any type of abuse whether its physical or verbal abuse is abuse. Its not right to do this to one and other I know it must be hard to get other your wife's but that's life we cant do anything and go back to the pain again you guys need to be strong and stand up to yourself and do whatever you can to move on with this I know its easy said than done but in shaa allah if you remember Allah swt more each day Allah will place you on a path where you won't remember slightest pain you had from the past.

      Our Allah swt is here for everyone so don't ever feel that your in alone with whatever I know its hard but sometimes we need to just accept the fact that we cant go back to something that's not right for us especially something like this.

      so guys try and distract yourself by more prayers ,duroods, giving out to charity etc. all good deeds that Allah swt expect from us and in shaa allah allah will make your life's more brighter out there.

      I would suggest you guys finding new people out there but I know its not as easy as we would think it can be because you need to be careful not to get yourself into something like this again but if you do agree finding a new partner may allah swt protect every men away from situations like this and guide them to the right spouse in shaa allah ameen.

      stay as patient as you can because with great patient comes greater things in life in shaa allah may Allah give you more happiness in life and guide you to the right path.

  2. Salaam Sinner Muslim,

    I am sorry that you are feeling this nostalgia, and that you are experiencing regret over the situation.

    Did you know that Cancer survivors sometimes report dring therapy that they miss their Cancer? Its amazing isn't it. It seems that it doesn't matter how harmful something is, it is part of human nature to grieve it when it is gone, because good or bad - something that has been around for a long time, becomes a part of our lives - and we grieve the absence of it.

    What you are experiencing is a sense of loss, not necessarily of your wife, but of the gap that she was taking in your life. Now, that space is empty and you feel a sense of missing, a sense of something-the-should-be-there-and-isn't. Your mind will fill gaps with what it knows (after all, it is not aware of what it does not know), and so your body will signal to you: "I want my wife back" - because your mind's job is to make-things-make-sense.

    I think what would be good for you is to ask yourself exactly the specifics of what you miss and try to define. "I miss my wife because...." - and what you will notice is that you are not missing a person, as much as you are missing a way of feeling. "I miss my wife because she knew me" - means you miss the feeling of being known. "I miss my wife because she was a home to go to" - means you are missing the feelings of stability and rootedness. Overall, it seems that you miss the feeling of knowing what each and every day is going to hold and this is something that you can fill by finding them elsewhere, in a healthier way.

    It is hard to come out of an abusive situation, and the nature of such situations is that they take up a lot of time and energy, as those who are abused tend to become completely absorbed with thoughts of their abuser, with how to get out of this situation. Once it's gone - of course there is massive amounts of space to fill - what to do now that you are free? How to fill the time, the thoughts, the emotions now that the up and down roller coaster of emotions has passed? Naturally, your brain has learned to think of her - and so now, in the void - like an addiction of sorts - your thoughts go back there.

    Healing, is to fill those things with people and pass times that are healthy for you, and you find that as you become more occupied, your thoughts of your wife will decline and you may even be able to identify for yourself what is lacking for you in your life, and in your self-esteem that you would consider putting yourself through it all again.

    For now, when you think of her - let it pass. Notice that she is in your thought, and show little interest in that thought: say to yourself "huh, there is the thought again" and guide your thoughts to something else. As you practice and practice this, you will find that a thought is a bit like a photograph - appearing and disappearing - only staying around for as long as you hold it. As you keep letting go of these photographs, and taking new photographs - your mind will learn to generate different thoughts when you are feeling lonely, or empty of thoughts.

    I hope you do not go back to her. You sound like a nice person, and you deserve to be happy.

    Peace and blessings,

    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • salam Leila,

      so good to have you back ( if you have been back for a while and i have missed that , then appologise).

      you are blessed with such a nice way of addressing peoples problems. ages ago you wrote to my post as well it was so helpful , still i visit that reply when i feel I need some help.

      May Allah be with pleased with you.

      Brother, dont tolerate any abuse ! yes one should be patient but not a victim. I agree with Leyla , you seem to have put up with it till you couldnt take it any more. if she is not taking any professional help then dont put yourself through that torture again.

      • Salaam Friend,

        This is not the first time you have shown me this kindness 🙂 From the bottom of my heart, thank you - it gives me peace to know that what we are doing here does help in some way xxx

        *hugs* look after yourself for me* xx

        Leyla xx

  3. may allah make your problems easier

    stand up for yourself .
    if your wife begs you she will change etc then do istikharah and consult with your family or her family and take it from there.

    your wife is treating you like this and you still love and want to be with her????

    seems you like the way your wife treats you if you still miss her.
    only take your wife back if she changes her disgusting ways and lets you live a normal life.

  4. Salams brother,
    It is doubtful that your wife will change without the help of a proffessional, and so I urge you to step away from that abbusive relationship. I pray that Allah will make it easy for you to direct your thoughts away from how painful it must be to leave her. It is a well documented theory that victims of abbusive relationships want to go back to their abbusive partner not out of love, but out of familiarity. Im sure this is what is happening to you brother. Insha Allah it will feel much better when you can stand on your own two feet again and find a sweet, respectful wife.

  5. salaam all,

    i am deeply hurt to hear this and can relate to this, i was in a very physically abusive marriage for 12 years, but was glad to be rid of the horrible man only to fall in love with a man who mentally abuses me and tortures me... my question is why do these people feel the need to abuse and hurt someone, are they not afraid of allah??

    i think sinnermuslim my dear brother you need to just pray to allah and take each day as it comes, i know it is never easy as i still love the man who is mentally abusing me but i turn to allah and pray, i dont like violence of any kind and i believe if you give love you should receive love... islam is a peaceful religion but abuse is in every religion and its pot luck who you fall for and who you get.

    i can relate to you as i am in the same boat so my advice would be just be strong and if its meant to be with allahs will it will be.

    may allah bless us all in situations that hurt!

  6. Assalamu alaikum sinnermuslim,

    You know you strike me as a man that truly loves his wife with all her flaws as well. i commend you on dont seem like alot of men...who would retaliate back and cause more injury..and you seem like a good a woman or man or human being it isnt even justifiable to beat an animal let alone a person you have made a commitment too.You owe yourself dignity and respect. YOU dont need to consult with her family or friends..its NONE of their business..what DO YOU WANT? and is she willing to change? leave her alone for a while take a break..if she changes and you want to try again so be it. WE TEACH PEOPLE hwo to treat us.

    i have been married just a few years and have five children..i dont EVEN HIT my kids let alone my husband and i WOULD DIVORCE if he ever raised a hand to me...but i am different.everyones situation is different..if you want to make it work take a breather.

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