Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Divorced by my husband in favour of his second wife

Muslim woman walking

Assalamualaikum, sisters, I want to share with you my story.

My husband recently divorced us - by us I mean me and our children. My husband married my jithanis sister who was not happy with her marriage. My jithani kept on filling filth in my husband's mind until he agreed to marry her sister.

I gave birth to our second son and was almost paralyzed in the hospital knowing that my husband is not there for me anymore. He had bad behavior with me always. At Eid no one asked or wished me eid or even noticed me as his wife.

He has now settled with his second wife in Islamabad and was leaving on eids third day. I had our last fight with him. He patted me at my shoulder that keep doing as you were.

I knew I was seeing the last of him since his second wife and a daughter from her have become so much influential that I could never continue. I begged him to write me divorce and he did. During writing about kids I looked at his face thrice that he might stop but he didn't.

He wrote the words three times and left. It's been seventeen days after this incident. I was happy that a toiling but useless twelve year marriage finally ended. He is as ignorant about his children as he was since last seven years. It hasn't changed me much but rescued me from unbearable hellfire.


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5 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I'm not clear what you're seeking advice on. By the way you explained it, you asked for a divorce and received it. You also mention that he didn't always treat you well, and that it was in some ways a relief for you (rescued you from unbearable hellfire).

    Divorce is painful no matter how due it is, no matter how much better the life following the divorce is from the previous marriage. Why? Because there is a part of us that feels like we failed when we divorce. We feel like we should've found a way to make it work, maybe. Or perhaps we feel we gave up, and we don't like to see ourselves as quitters.

    Or maybe it hurts because we know we should've done it long before, and didn't. We are feeling the regret of waiting too long.

    I'm sure you're going through a lot of complex emotions, so now is an ideal time to rely on your family and friends for support. It's also the best time to turn to Allah and ask Him to give you guidance on how to see the past, and trust Him to provide all you need in the future. Most importantly, ground yourself in the present. Sometimes after great difficulties we start to get too worried about what is or isn't coming, or obsess about how things already went. Just live in the moment today, and thank Allah for today's many blessings. Enjoy your time with your kids, and start looking into developing your talents and interests. With time in shaa Allah the pain will ease and you will be a stronger woman from all you've experienced.

    -Amy Editor

  2. @Amy,

    Marshallah, such a comfortable, practical and kind advice.

    Sister dove 123,

    Take good care of yourself and your children. Let the past go, turn yourself upon Allah. May Allah grants you strength and hope to face the future.

  3. Amy , very good reply .masha allah

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear sister, there is no point in having a man around who is so influenced by his sister-in-law that he can no longer make a decision for himself nor take care of his wife/mother of his children. He wasn't just disrespectful to you, but to his own existence. To ignore you while you gave birth to one of his children is an atrocious amount of pain both physically and emotionally.

    Allah says in the Quran [65:1-12]

    "O Prophet, when you [Muslims] divorce women, divorce them for [the commencement of] their waiting period and keep count of the waiting period, and fear Allah , your Lord. Do not turn them out of their [husbands'] houses, nor should they [themselves] leave [during that period] unless they are committing a clear immorality. And those are the limits [set by] Allah . And whoever transgresses the limits of Allah has certainly wronged himself. You know not; perhaps Allah will bring about after that a [different] matter.

    And when they have [nearly] fulfilled their term, either retain them according to acceptable terms or part with them according to acceptable terms. And bring to witness two just men from among you and establish the testimony for [the acceptance of] Allah . That is instructed to whoever should believe in Allah and the Last day. And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out

    And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.

    And those who no longer expect menstruation among your women - if you doubt, then their period is three months, and [also for] those who have not menstruated. And for those who are pregnant, their term is until they give birth. And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him of his matter ease.

    That is the command of Allah , which He has sent down to you; and whoever fears Allah - He will remove for him his misdeeds and make great for him his reward.

    Lodge them [in a section] of where you dwell out of your means and do not harm them in order to oppress them. And if they should be pregnant, then spend on them until they give birth. And if they breastfeed for you, then give them their payment and confer among yourselves in the acceptable way; but if you are in discord, then there may breastfeed for the father another woman.

    Let a man of wealth spend from his wealth, and he whose provision is restricted - let him spend from what Allah has given him. Allah does not charge a soul except [according to] what He has given it. Allah will bring about, after hardship, ease.

    And how many a city was insolent toward the command of its Lord and His messengers, so We took it to severe account and punished it with a terrible punishment.

    And it tasted the bad consequence of its affair, and the outcome of its affair was loss.

    Allah has prepared for them a severe punishment; so fear Allah , O you of understanding who have believed. Allah has sent down to you the Qur'an.

    [He sent] a Messenger [Muhammad] reciting to you the distinct verses of Allah that He may bring out those who believe and do righteous deeds from darknesses into the light. And whoever believes in Allah and does righteousness - He will admit him into gardens beneath which rivers flow to abide therein forever. Allah will have perfected for him a provision.

    It is Allah who has created seven heavens and of the earth, the like of them. [His] command descends among them so you may know that Allah is over all things competent and that Allah has encompassed all things in knowledge."

    I hope that you read those verses and find peace. There is a reason why Allah swt has chosen men to be protectors over women and indeed they have a great(er) responsibility over women which shouldn't be taken lightly. Sometimes women think that men have it easy and that they get away with so much, but this is a foolish thought to have because Allah reminds us again and again that He is watching over whatever we do and that we should be fearful of our ways. If your husband wronged you, he wronged himself. When a man divorces his wife, he must do so with justice--it doesn't say anywhere that he can be cruel in anyway--if we hope for Mercy on the day of Judgement, surely we can try our best to exhibit it too. Your husband will undoubtedly be held accountable. The One who created the seven heavens and the earth is Watching over us all--do not lose faith. Find peace in the Quran as it will comfort your wounded soul.

    I can't imagine your pain, but I fully agree with Sr. Amy, especially with focusing all your time and energy on your children, your talents and interests. May Allah ease your pain, Ameen.

  5. Assalamualaikum,

    I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. May Allah make it easy for you.

    I'm a 35 year old woman and I went through the same thing. My husband wanted a second wife and I couldn't forgive it so I asked for a divorce. He gave me one talaq. To my knowledge he still isn't married.

    I think we should speak because we seem to have a lot in common. Divorce is one of the most difficult experiences to go through. Its been said that its more difficult to cope with then death because that person is still alive. There are times when you might feel like it was a bad thing but I realise that if a man wants another woman that will always be the case and you are better off on your own.

    Its difficult being on your own after such a long marriage. I was married for 14 years which is a lifetime and I have a daughter.

    If you ever need to speak let me know.

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