Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Divorced my narcissist ex and feel hurt and lonely

past, present, future

Aoa,

I'm writing you all today, because I don't know what to do. About a year and a half ago, I had gotten married, to what I thought was a good man. It wasn't until after the wedding I learned he drinks, and gambles. I had hoped that would go away with time. In the beginning everything was ok. His mother caused a lot of issues between us. She said a lot of trash about me and my family. I disliked her after that, but remained quiet. She liked to have control. Me and my ex would get into arguments, like everyone, but there were things he would say to try and break me and I would respond by saying mean things to him.

Finally, after 6 months she left and went overseas. I thought things would improve, only they didn't. My ex would want me to wait on him hand and foot. He would come home drunk do to something happening at work. The rest of the night would be me listening to his rants until he would be sober the next day. I would have dealt with his hot-cold behavior towards me until I learned he was having random affairs with other women. That broke my heart. The part of me that had remained quiet and putting up with all this was gone. I told him off and drew a boundary. No more gambling Friday night, (He lied saying he met this woman at the casino when he met her online so I tried to use that against him)

We had an arranged marriage. If he didn't like me, he didn't have to marry me. After learning about this, I stayed with him for another few months where he was becoming more and more emotionally and sexually abusive. A few days before I separated his issue was I was working, while his mom was home alone, and if I were to go to my parents house, I would be there earlier then when I arrive home. He insulted me by saying where am I all the time roaming the streets. That was my breaking point.

I separated late last year. The divorce was finalized early this year. My iddat time is finishing soon. I believe I may have overheard my brother saying he has remarried. I don't know if this is true or not. But the thought of it, stings. I know what I miss is a façade but I can't help it. My parents are worried, I am 32 years of age. Who would want to marry a divorced woman?

I'm scared for myself. I don't have children, but always thought one day I would. I don't know what the future holds for me. I try to keep myself busy, work, gym, family, close friends. But sometimes, I feel lonely. That person who was there, no longer is. That person who when in a good mood would give affection is gone. I'm scared, let says I do remarry, what if that person turns out worse than my ex? I've been through so much in this year and half, more than I can ever describe in this post, Whenever thoughts come to mind of him, the things he's said, pictures that I found on his phone, it's like I'm reliving it all. How do I get this nightmare to end once and for all?

I don't believe he will ever change. I want to sit here and hope the lies he initially told me are now what he really is like and he's changed, but know that he hasn't. I no longer feel beautiful, like what I once was at age 27. Men today want slim, fair, beautiful women. I fear if I remarry, I am not allowed to age. I'm going to look worse if I were to become pregnant, and another man would cheat too. Will this man be punished for hurting as he has?

healing786


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11 Responses »

  1. First of all sister KUDOS for taking care of yourself after that. Most people aren't that strong specially going to the gym and all that. Secondly accept your situation as it is, neither good nor bad. And remember the old saying: this too shall pass. Pray to Allah on a thankful note, you never know what you saved from. After sometime you'll laughing at all this like it was a dream.

  2. Salaam Sister,

    Very motivating to hear your story about how you have gone through so much and still trying to live a better life. May Allah make you even more stronger.

    Keep steadfast on the deen and have patience.

    Allah says,

    And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.

    Chapter Name:At-Talaq Verse No:3

    And notice the name of the surah, it's called Divorce.

    So have Tawakkul on Allah and bear with patience.

    Try matrimony websites, there will surely be atleast a few out of the thousands from there who will be ready to marry you.

    In the meantime, increase your knowledge about Islam and learn from the basics about what is shirk and what is a deviant path of Islam and try to correct yourself. (I got a hint from your name which included 786)

    May Allah guide you on the straight Path.

  3. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    I think we can summarize the core issue as this: your fear.

    Fear that you will always be alone, because no one will marry you as a divorcee. Fear that you may never have children. Fear that if you remarry, you will again marry someone who will hurt you.

    Fear is the most bogus of emotions in our day and age because much of the time, we are not afraid of a real threat, but a potential one. You aren't afraid of the tiger right in front of you, ready to pounce- you're afraid of the tigers in the jungle that *could* come into town, find your house, and attack you.

    The only solution to fear is faith, and good planning. You need to work on deepeninging your faith in Allah first. He alone knows the future, we do not. He alone planned the tests for you that will bring you nearer to Him, and He never gives what we cannot take. He is our Guardian Lord, and the Most Merciful. If we really, really believe that, and believe He is only doing what is best for us and will help us and make us better muslims and ready to meet Him in the hereafter and be worthy of Jannah, then we can't be afraid of anything He gives us- whatever it is.

    I can assure you that divorcees do remarry quite often. People who have been divorced more than once manage to find spouses who love them in spite of it. People who have kids from their previous marriages find spouses who take those children as though they were their own. People with disabilities, health issues, challenges of all sorts- many of them marry or remarry. It is not as bleak a situation as many make it seem, although there may be some searching and waiting and trying to find the best match...so it ends up taking time in some cases (but not all!)

    As you are 32, I assure you that you are still young and attractive to soooo many men. Not having any children yet only works in your favor, actually. You have a good 15-20 childbearing years left, which is more than half the life you have lived so far! It doesn't make sense to conclude you'll never have one of your own, from a logical standpoint.

    As far as the concern you may meet someone who is just as destructive, that is a valid concern. We often repeat patterns when it comes to relationships, but that doesn't mean you're doomed to it. Here are some practical steps to help decrease the odds of making another poor choice:

    1. Get into counseling, and explore your weaker areas that make you vulnerable for accepting/choosing a partner who can devalue you. The better you know yourself, the better you can be aware of when you are functioning from a weaker part of yourself. Also, counseling can help you build up your sense of self respect and inner value for yourself so that you don't need to rely on someone else to supply it (a common factor in unhealthy relationships).

    2. Make a list of deal-breakers for any prospective spouse. If they violate a deal-breaker, let them go.These are things like, no drugs. No talking to non mahrem women. No talking in demeaning ways to you. etc.

    3. Take adequate time getting to know someone you might marry. The definition of "adequate" is going to vary from person to person. I would suggest no less than 6 months. Some men are very transparent and easy to get to know, but some are not. If you don't feel you know someone truly, then you need to keep getting to know them until you're satisfied you not only know them but ALSO trust them to treat you well. If more than 6 months have gone by and you feel you still don't know who they are or feel uncomfortable, let it go and move on. Usually that's enough time to get a basic idea of someone, even if the wedding is still planned for the future.

    4. Make istikhara before accepting a proposal. And even after that, if you have questions about the relationship and don't know if you should keep going, make istikhara again. You can make istikhara any time, as much as you need to- even if it's the night before the wedding. (However, if you are making istikhara every other week, that is probably a sign you're in an unhealthy relationship).

    You can know you are in a healthy relationship when you feel the man is helping you grow as a person and as a muslim. A good man will help you come closer to Allah. You will feel valued and respected, and you will not be uncertain about whether "he's a good guy or bad guy". You will KNOW beyond doubt he's a good person, because his personal taqwa and character will shape his actions. You will feel safe when with him, and secure when apart from him. Last but not least, you will be happy more than you will be confused, scared, or sad.

    I pray Allah bring you what's best for you and give you shifa from what you've already suffered in shaa Allah.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • such a good advice mash'Allah !

    • How you will communicate for 6 months before marriage ?
      Will it not be haraam to communicate via SMS ,chat etc etc to just get to know ? Will it not lead to fitnah ?

      How you will get to know via halaal way ? I don't think every time she will meet the man in the presence of her mehrem ..She obviously will end up in chat , then meet alone ,then affair ,then agreement/disagreement etc etc ..

      I am not sure i think this Chicken Egg equation ...

      • Assalaamu Alaykum,

        There are ways to get to know someone before marriage that are halal. If there were not, no one would know their spouse on any level before the nikkah. Not everyone is tempted to "break the rules" and go off alone to commit haram. Most people have a bit more maturity than that.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Thank you all for the comments! An update, I'm doing a lot better now, enjoying life, trying new things. I do get a bit sad when I tell people who don't know what has happened, but I hope it will go away too with time.

  5. be happy and grateful u didn't have children and was free to leave. Its very difficult to change people and things may of got even worse. Put ur trust in allah and im sure many doors will open for u incha allah amen.

    • Thank you all for your posts. I'll find at times, I feel down, almost guilty, I did something that caused all this, but as far as deal breakers go, I was not about to marry someone who drinks. I asked him on day one. He lied. He said he used to, but not anymore. I realize I'm naive and avoid conflict because I don't want to hurt someone else. Only instead I end up hurting myself. I seem to go into cycles. I plan on starting counseling. I want this all to be behind me. I don't want to have flashbacks when living with other people, and doing things. Is there a chat available? I'd like to talk to someone.

  6. i am single and looking for some body to entertain me in future life

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