Unfortunately, I am divorcing my 2nd wife due to my own problems
Assalam O Alaikum,
I am kind of unhappy in life, I married my 2nd wife who is also my 1st cousin, I have 2 children from my first marriage aged 6 and 7, they live with me. I married my first wife in 2002, she married secretly and was reverted from Hinduism. We had 2 children and I messed up and ended-up in jail for a year.
Upon release, she left me and the kids. She doesn't see kids regularly- its been over a year since she saw them. I took my kids with me to Bangladesh and I got married to my first cousin and she came after appeal against the UK government’s refusal of her visa. We lived together for few months and I went to jail for 5 months for something done years ago, she gave birth to her first and my 3rd child. She also got pregnant with 2nd straight away.
I was feeling weak in imaan so I looked for a second wife and found someone. In arguments my wife wasn’t happy with my intention to marry another girl. I said that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said “Multiply your wives and your children and I will be proud of you on the day of judgement.” She walked out with the baby, I was heartbroken.
I broke up with the new girl; I didn’t realize how much I loved my wife. She didn’t want to come back and wanted to stay married and live separately. She says she is covering up and is still married to me so isn’t interested in any men. I went to jail for 2 months and I had to drop my kids off to my mums' house as my wife didn't want to look after them. Upon release from prison I have seen her and she has her own council place, heavily pregnant. She has never said she wants to leave the marriage, although I feel by her actions of walking out of the home has contributed to a divorce. I am always getting angry and asking her if she wants me to divorce her, or I say its over I then phone and apologise as I still love her.
I understand that divorce is the most hated halal action in front of Allah and THE THRONE OF ALLAH SHAKES UPON A DIVORCE. I had never imagined divorcing anyone and today I got angry over everything and told her as she was not allowing me to show my baby to my family; this action of her is contradicting of her statement that she is married to me. I had avoided court action as she doesn’t allow me to take the baby out with me and I want to show my family. She knows I want to leave the UK permanently and if we separate she thinks I will kidnap her kids.
I also want to be a mujahid, so I don`t really want to look after a newborn and a 1 year old. I already have a 6 and 7 year old I look after by myself and its difficult to find someone I can trust to look after them whilst I go abroad. I told her I want to divorce her today August 15, 2011 and phoned 2 witnesses, so officially I am going through a divorce.
The problem is I can't last a few days without trying to fix things, but today and the first time, I have told 2 witnesses its official, from my understanding if I want her back then if it happens again the third time its over permanently until she marries again. My anger I feel will lead to this happening, but if Alllah wills then I am going through a period of trials and tribulation and naturally upset. Life is like a box of chocolate – you never know what you’re going to get.
May Allah forgive the muslims on the day of judgment.
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Brother couthar, wa alaykum as-salam,
You are clearly confused about so many things. I do feel for you, as I perceive that your life has been difficult, and trying. But I think much of the difficulty has been of your own making, as a result of questionable choices you've made.
First, a few minor religious points I want to clear up: I could not find a source for the hadith you mentioned about "multiply your wives" etc. As for the other hadith that says that divorce shakes Allah's throne, I happen to know that this hadith is fabricated and classified as da'eef. Of course divorce is disliked in Islam, but that particular hadith is false.
There are several things to discuss here so I'll try to take them point by point:
1. I'm concerned about your repeated incarcerations. What are you doing in your life that keeps sending you to jail? Whatever it is, brother, you need to implement some reforms in your life. Get a straight job, stop associating with friends who will drag you down, go back to school if necessary. Build a life for yourself and your children.
2. You wrote, "I was feeling weak in imaan so I looked for a second wife and found someone." Brother, this is not a reason to seek a second wife. It's a reason to pray, to attend the masjid, recite the Quran, seek the company of strong Muslim friends. Not a reason to get married.
3. Brother, forget about going abroad. I don't know if these ideas are your own, or if someone is poisoning your thinking, but someone is giving you bad information. There is no benefit in going somewhere to kill other people, most likely in a situation where the rules of Islam are not being followed and the leaders are badly misguided.
Your jihad is to take care of your family. That is your challenge in life. You have created this situation, and your task is to repair it and bring the best possible future out of it.
Go to your wife sincerely and humbly and fix your relationship with her. Her concerns about you are real and justified, so work hard to show her that you can be trusted to be a good, steady provider and husband. Get a steady job, love your children, and learn to control your temper so that in the future you don't spout words of divorce whenever you're upset, or say other things that you will regret.
Stay in touch with us Insha'Allah, and let us know how things go. I will mention you in my dua.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
AA;
I agree with what Wael said. I would also like to highlight his statement:
Your jihad is to take care of your family. That is your challenge in life. You have created this situation, and your task is to repair it and bring the best possible future out of it.
This is your family and your kids. This is a HUGE responsibility to make sure they grow up with no issues, happy, healthy, so they can continue as such.
May ALLAH guide you and resolve all your issues.
AA
“Multiply your wives and your children and I will be proud of you on the day of judgement.” She walked out with the baby, I was heartbroken."
I will provide a woman's perspective-- she was probably heartbroken that you wanted to practice polygamy and take another wife. That must have hurt her so terribly. Both of you were in a marriage, so when you wanted to change the structure of your marriage and family by bringing in another wife, she should have had a say in this. Technically, in Islam, I'm not sure if you are or are not required to take the permission of the first wife in order to practice polygamy, but regardless, she is still allowed to feel hurt, and she clearly did.
I agree with Sarah Leaf,
Any woman will feel betrayed and hurt if a man says he wants another woman. I have read the english version of the quran, in surat al nisa where it states "take one, two, three, and four wives..." later it goes on to say "it is better that you take one if only you knew..." and again in the same surat it says "you will never be fair to your women(so one is better)" Allah knows best.
So saying to your wife “Multiply your wives and your children and I will be proud of you on the day of judgement.” will not get a good reaction from her.
If you love her, try and make amends. Inshallah all will turn out fine. Good luck to you both.
wael did u find the source for multply ect? pls lemme knw if u did.... its urgent
haniyya, please clarify, I don't know what you are referring to.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salamu alaikum warahmatullah.... there is no hadith that says multiply ur wives...its such a shame how ppl folllow fabricated stuff without even going to find out if its true or fabricated yet they wana talk of imaan and this and that suppose to be like this and taht...the authentic hadith is ''marry and multiply your kids'' jeeze imagine ur wife do so much for u give birth which is soooo hard and in the end u say multiply wives??? for what? u first need to solve your problem with number one befre u go to number two,,,,as u suppose to be just with all wives....and ppl dont divorce over small things u suppose to try nd make things better before thinking of divorce....really i think u need help mentally.....
AA;
Dear Sister Haniyyyya and all other sisters and brothers;
In Islam, a man can have 4 wives at one time as it is mentioned in the Quran. The Hadeeth by the prophet (PBUH) " (1)تزوجوا الودود الولود فإني مكاثر بكم يوم القيامة" or "(2)تناكحوا تكاثروا فإني أباهي بكم الأمم" (two narration by two people) says:
1) Marry the friendly and the one who can carry babies. On the day of judgment, I will be proud hwo many followers I have.
2) Marry and have kids I will show you off to the others.
The point of the hadeets is to marry and have children. You can look them up in Saheeh Bukhari. It does not say have many wives in this hadeeth, it just tells to marry and have kids.
With that said, I have few comments:
1) Please do your own search before you call something a fabrication. You can search, read books, or even ask an Imam before you put such a comment. It is all of us responsibility to seek knowledge and wisdom. And of course, it is also our responsibility to convey the message and teach others. The Prophet (PBUH) said: to teach something about him even if one Ayah (Verse)
2) As a Muslim man, you can have more wives (up to 4 at a time) PERIOD! If you want to look up the wisdom of it, if you want to think about it, if you want to pray to ALLAH so your jealousy does not get in the way, etc. is one thing. But to negate the fact that a man can marry more than one wife without a reason (sick, can not have kids, etc) is WRONG.
3) When trying to solve a brother or sister problem, lets focus on the problem at hand. No need to get harsh in your comments, or more general than needed.
4) I do agree. The Brother needs to slow down, work on his deen, think about life, focus, plan, etc before jumping to decisions.
May ALLAH guide us, grant us patience, and shower us with his mercy.
If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me. Allah knows best.
AA
Slm bro I'm one women and in 20yrs of marriage if Allah wills I can have 20 kids wit my hubby.....the prophet had alot wives but less then 10 kids....so if u talking bat increasing umah y does a man need four wives if one can give him the same amount of kids four cud give him? Think,,,,, if it wer like how u think the prophet wud have simply said marry alot women but all he said was marry ,,,, the is nO Hadith that says marry lotsa women,,,,yes it's permissible but no one said it's better
You argue your point well, and your right, may Allah reward you with many children insha'Allah.