Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Do I choose my parents or the man I love?

depressing unhealthy love

I am a girl of 22 yrs  and I'm suffering with depression. I'm posting here ....  is that I am in a relation with muslim for 7 yrs. We love each other a lot. Now my parents are finding matches for me in my religion of my caste. They will not accept our love. I love him but as parents and family are warning me that they will die if I go with him, in helpless condition I'm acting with my lover as if I hate him and forever neither my parents nor my family will accept this proposal. I'm unable to handle with both..??!!!!   I can't decide whom I have to satisfy exactly and whom to hurt and I'm unable to guess or imagine what disasters will take place after I take a step... please help me.

please.. Im going mad. I miss him a lot.

lakshmi padma

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5 Responses »

  1. Salama Aleikum sister,

    I'm sorry for your pain and the tough time you're going through. Rest assured that there is a solution to your problems. You say ' you don't know who to satisfy exactly'. The truth is you have to satisfy Allah swt first. You are in this pain and mess because you chose to satisfy your desires and your boyfriends desires first. Having a relationship with a boy outside of marriage is not allowed in Islam. It brings us harm and pain. It will never be any good. If it was to be good then why are you crying now dear sister?

    I want you to consider your options carefully inshAllah. You are young, don't spoil your future. First, let go of this boy and ask Allah swt for forgiveness. Cut ties with him completely for the sake of your Lord. Next, repent sincerely and understand what a true loving relationship means in Islam. It's not to be a boyfriend/girlfriend having a secret relationship. Think about what you wish for yourself and whether you are ready to commit to a relationship which is to be as important as half your religion - marriage. It will come with test, trials and tribulations of it's own. And try to understand things from your parents perspective. Give things some time to heal your heart.

    Many of us at a young age may have liked someone and thought we absolutely could not live without them. You'll be surprised how easy it can be to move on from something someone who is bringing harm to you and to have a better chance at life with what is pleasing to Allah swt. Don't go mad over a boy sis. It's never worth it.


  2. I agree with Hopefulsis, however I wanted to add something that always worries me in these situations.

    Some say, God will protect you. Allah swt will give you nothing you can't handle, etc. etc. Well, you know I see people who are innocent die every day sometimes in the most horrible ways. I don't think part of Allah's duty to us is to be first and foremost invested in our personal wellness and longevity. I think we are supposed to commit to him, and in return we get rewards in some ways in this world and in some ways in the next world. I think the rewards we get in this world are just a natural process of action and reaction and following Allah's laws is the best action to get the best reaction. That's all it is.
    My point is, this could end in disaster, or it could not. The boy might really love you, be honourable, you two just made the mistake of having a relationship prior to marriage... it doesn't mean you're bad people, and it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed or cursed. It means that you started badly and to make it right would probably take your entire lives to become accepted by your families, or even your families will never accept your marriage and your lives will be lonely and void of family for how you have chosen to begin your relationship. However, you might live your lives together in peace, and your household may be filled with love, children, success, etc. No one knows but Allah swt.
    What worries me however is that your parents are looking for a spouse for you. Lots and lots and LOTS of stories on this website start just that way. "My family found a guy, I don't want him, but they forced me, said they would kill themselves (they've already said this about your current boyfriend) if I don't, now he abuses me, gives me no money, forces sex, won't let me have friends, puts me down, etc. etc."

    Ok listen here's what I'm saying... The consequences you're going to pay are consequences ANYONE would pay, not just you. Anyone dating against their parents wishes for 7 years is going to have to make sacrifices if they want to stay together. (how did you keep it a secret for so long??) But you really could chose either way. If you chose him, then get married ASAP. Stop fooling around, you guys are sinning and you're paying a heavy price for it! No one will take your relationship seriously, plus it's not healthy. What if you get pregnant?? There are so many other risks. If you stay with him, don't fool around and go get married immediately.

    However if you DON'T, then do not go from one problem into another, possibly even longer lasting and more damaging problem and marry someone not fit for you that you're parents pressure you into. Don't listen to anyone who says "Allah swt will make sure you have a good husband if you let your parents choose for you!" That's not true, parents, children, etc. etc. make mistakes and give their children, parent's etc. etc. misery every every everyday. The simple evidence proves that you're not guaranteed to get a great husband just because your parents choose. Make sure you feel you can love the guy. Make sure he has qualities you're looking for.
    But most important, if you choose to let your parents PROVIDE YOU WITH OPTIONS FROM WHICH YOU WILL CHOSE (that should be their only way to approach you with a mate), make sure you don't chose until you're emotionally stable. Give yourself time to grieve your past relationship and get well again before you do this. You need to not be victimized or traumatized when looking at your husband for the first time. To help give as much chance of success as possible, make sure you have an open mind and an open heart when you're finally ready to chose someone.

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    You wrote:

    "Now my parents are finding matches for me in my religion of my caste."

    If you are not Christian, Jewish or Muslim, it isn't possible for this boy to marry you and as a Muslim, he most likely knows that.

    Also, the boy that you were involved in probably knows he can't marry you as he isn't supposed to date Muslim or non-Muslim girls - I think it is time for you to do some investigating and asking the right questions and start making decisions based on facts and not just emotions. Even if you are not Muslim, based on what you have written, it is worth your while to reflect on what your parents are saying.

    I hope that if you have further questions that you continue to ask and I pray that you find peace.

  4. Good advices

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