Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Do I have to support my lazy father who doesn’t work?

unwanted houseguest, lazy man, too much tv

Asalamu alaikum

My father hasn't worked for over 10 years. My mother has been supporting us by cleaning houses till we started working and now me and my brother have been financially supporting our parents. I'm getting frustrated at my father's habit. I paid for my own wedding as well as my brother's. We spent a lot of money to sponsor them and after they came here my dad started insulting us that we are not financially well off. And he wants us to give him $30000 so that he can buy a house in our home country. He sold the house we had. He says he is not well enough to work but there's nothing wrong with him clinically. He is just lazy. The money we give for food he wastes on tobacco and stuff. My parents are back to home country right now and my dad wants more money from me so half he can spend on food and half on tobacco and nonsense. I am 6 months pregnant and working really hard to clear some of my debts before I go on leave. My legs are swollen, I'm on my feet 8 hours a day to earn as much as I can on minimum wage. My dad didn't even let me attend university but now he expects me make lots of money and give it to him. I think it is unfair for my dad to be expecting anything from me and he should go to work. I told my mom to leave him and I told her not to go with him to home country coz I needed her here but she left. I don't mind supporting my mom but I hate the fact the money I work so hard to make and send is wasted on nonsense. Do I have to support my parents? I don't even have any money to send them. My brother says currently he doesn't have enough because he has to pay off what he owes and he has other issues. I want to tell my dad it's enough now. I have done my best and at the moment I can't help them and he should go find work.

awaitingdeath


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7 Responses »

  1. As salam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh...

    In Islam, women aren't obligated to financially support their parents under any circumstance. Your dad sounds healthy as an ox, he should be supporting himself and your mother and since you're pregnant, he should even be helping you out or figuring out ways to help you. You are the daughter, not slave.

    Fi AmanAllah

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    I can imagine your pain and difficult it is must be these days. I wonder if you have given birth by now considering when you submitted the post. May Allah make your delivery easy and grant you much happiness, Ameen.

    You need a plan. If you didn't go to University, you should be able to go now after having the baby. Find out about subsidies in the area that you live and even if it is difficult now, it will pay off. Stop being a hero for everyone else--it isn't your obligation and you are going to run yourself sick. You must be practical with your health and wealth in your situation and do not feel guilty--you need not be rude with anyone, but don't feel bad if you say no to something that is not your obligation. If anything, your family should be helping you.

    Stop sending anyone money that you don't have. Your priority right now is your health and your baby. Do you have any other support?

    May Allah swt ease your pain, Ameen.

  3. You should give your parents financial help. Always, even if your father refuses to work. It is your duty. But that doesn't mean that you have to work extra to do so. Nor does it mean that you have to buy your father a house, pay for his tobacco, etc. You sound like a smart girl. Give your dad what he needs, rather than what he wants. Your brother can fill in the rest. When your baby arrives, things will change as your baby will require your resources. I know its hard, but please try to his insults.

    Sister, we can't choose our parents.

  4. Aoa Sister,

    About 15 years back, I was in a similar situation. I can understand it is very difficult to balance the financial pressures and moral obligations. I suggest that you try to keep on helping your father and mother as best as possible without compromising your health, well being and chances of betterment.

    In the long run supporting the basic necessities of your parents (food and medicine) will give you mental peace and will also bring blessings from Allah and He will for sure return your good deeds many fold. I can understand that sometimes people back home try to emotionally blackmail people living abroad thinking as if money is growing on trees here. But ignore them for now. If your father asks you to buy a house or tobacco or whatever, just tell him that you will try instead of a blunt refusal. Just try to help the food and medical needs of your parents as best as your circumstances allow you without stressing yourself on how unappreciative or greedy they are being.

    If see that you have used the name"awaitingdeath" under your post, I say being an expecting mother all you should be waiting for is "life". Who knows the life that you bring into this world might be a source of incredible happiness and prosperity for you.

    Please remember as per the word of Allah (SWT) there is ease after hardship and he never burdens someone more that what he or she cannot handle. May be with this hardship He is preparing to give you an even bigger bounty.

    With prayers for your health, happiness and well being.

    okdeduss

  5. I don't think that you are required to support your parents.
    I also don't think people here should pressure you to support them
    while you are pregnant and trying to pay off debts and otherwise
    arrange for when you have to go on maternity leave.

    There are a lot of people who assume the purpose of Islam is to
    put all of the responsibilities on women's backs. Islam is NOT
    Hislam, no matter how many people try to expand the purported
    responsibilities of women.

    The funniest one I ever read was some claimed religious leader who
    insisted that it was the duty of a new wife to "server her mother-in-law"
    and to live in a joint family house.

    I'm still looking for the proofs for that opinion.

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