Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Do I need to call off my marriage?


As-salamu alaykum, I am in a tough situation and not sure what to do. Need your assistance. I am a revert(born as Christian) and now submitted my will to Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) as the messenger of Allah and Holy Quran is the book of my heart. I got married to my boy friend who is born muslim.

It took lot of struggle and efforts to convince both the families for marriage. Alhamdulilah we are married. Its been 4 months of marriage life. And all fine at the beginning of the new life. But after few weeks of marriage, everything changed. My husband lost interest in me and showed ignorance about me. Even my mom in law started comparing my household work with her daughters( who did better than me).

And I felt very uncomfortable being at home and thought as this was common for a newly married because of the difference in ambiance and new experience. But the mindset between me and my in laws dint match in every single matter. The differences of opinion, fights started between me and my husband in every small thing. My health condition was on toss because of new food habits at my in laws place. Whenever we had misunderstanding or whenever I feel ill, my mother in law was happy to see us in that state.

As it was a joint family living with in laws, we dint had much privacy and we couldn’t spend much time together as a newly married couple. One of the spiritual person mentioned that it was an effect of black magic done to us by our relatives and wanted to break the marriage.

I been pushing my husband to live in a separate house but he is not ready to moved out because of his mom. He is least bit bothered about my happiness, my health and does not stand by me whenever I need him. Now I am so restless to live with this family and whenever I mentioned about it to my husband he just start abusing me with words(B****h, s***e etc) in front of family members.

I am so depressed just wanted to end my life for choosing this destiny by my own hand. I have no support from my parents also.

As a wife, don't i have the right to ask for a separate home? Am i selfish for willing to live a happy life with my husband? Should i call off this marriage? Please please need your assistance.

Syeda Fathima

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4 Responses »

  1. Assalaamalykum sister
    May Allah have mercy on you.
    To be honest with you, islam does not allow a married man to live between his other brothers,
    There are rights of parents and rights of wives,
    Cant dump wife for parents and parents for wife,
    Everything has to be fair, and usually living in a joint family 99% goes like how its going with you.
    M not saying you take your hisbend 100% but shouldnt b like how you describing it.
    Tell him about your rights in islam, ask him to be fair with you as evrythings new, ask him for a seperate place to live close to his parents but seperit,
    Divorce is something not liked by Allah swt but it could b done if things arent working out for you.
    REmind him of his islamic duty, seems like wouldnt care but try ur best, if ge rejects his islamic duties then go to close by imam of ahle sunna wa jama (ahl hadith) and go from there inshaAllah,
    Anything good is from Allah swt, anything bad from me

  2. Aslm syeda, I was in the same boat as you. I can write a book onnthe hurtful , painful things people do.
    I came from a Christian home and also a different race as well.I reverted to Islam months before my marraige. It was a battle , but I discovered a love for Allah swt through my journey by going to madressah and learning about Islam and the difference between traditions and shariah in Islam. Whenever there was a problem, i relied on Allah swt to make it easy on me. I asked him to soften the hearts of those consumed with hate and jealousy for me. I asked him to soften my heart to forgive them. All of those people who critized me, who would taunt me , who would say things like" shes rubbish , she not like us, or look at my husband and say" what did you do, you've taken the skin off my face!, all of those people, have eaten their words. Have sabr and be strong. The road is long and tiresome because you feel alone, but with education and having a relationship with your creator, what more would you need?. As for your husband, he is at a crossroad as well, he doesn't want to have to choose between his family and you. It should never come to that. He is afraid , as nobody wants to loose their family. Many more " back stabbings " and insults are coming , but Inshallah Allah will give you strength and comfort like no other.

  3. It makes me sad to hear about women like you that have so little self worth and self-esteem that demanding their basic Islamic and human rights is something that makes them wonder if they are being selfish. The only selfish ones in this scenario are clearly your husband and his family. They are not treating you fairly or with respect at all, and you certainly shouldn't tolerate their maltreatment of you. A husband is supposed to be good to his wife, respect her as his partner and protect her from harm - clearly, your husband doesn't do any of that. So what's the point of him? What positive purpose does he serve in your life when he calls you offensive names and refuses to be responsible for the rights you have over him?

    I personally think it's always a mistake to get married when you have to REALLY struggle to win the accept of either families. A marriage is not off to a good start when it starts with struggles, and starts with forcing family members to pretend like they are accepting of the marriage . So in that sense, I personally think you made a mistake in marrying this man. However, what's done is done and you now need to figure out how to make the best out of a less than ideal marriage choice.

    I won't beat around the bush, you don't really have that many options if you are serious about taking action. You can either:

    1) Keep accepting being verbally abused and mistreated by your husband and in-laws.
    2) Involve 3rd parties that might be able to mediate between you and your husband, and even both of your families (provided both your husband and your families are actually willing to accept a 3rd party's input - not everyone are)
    3) Accept that things aren't going to change (due to stubborness and unwillingness on your husband's part) and get a divorce.

  4. To all readers, especially male readers. When you marry if you can afford a property or even rent, however small the property, even 1 bedroom and 1 living room, go for it. So many marriages would be more successful and peaceful if the wife and mother are not in the same house.

    You need to work on convincing your husband to move to your own place, even if it's a 15 min away, that's fine. You have to work on this, don't think about ending a marriage without trying this.

    If he refuses to move away you will continue to have these problems, they will never ever go away.

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